“When you start living the life of
your dreams, there will always be obstacles, doubters, mistakes, and setbacks
along the way. But with hard work, perseverance, and self-belief, there is no
limit to what you can achieve.”
Roy Bennette
I feel like, there’s been a
lot of instances – particularly recently – where I’ve made the comment “I can’t
believe that this is happening…” and this blog post celebrating I’m NOT
Disordered’s 10th Birthday, is definitely one of those occasions…
I guess that the most obvious
place to start is by talking about the creation of the blog way back in 2013…
In the summer of 2012 – after three years in and out of both psychiatric and medical hospitals – a psychiatrist recommended I be admitted to a hospital specialising in my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I had an assessment with one unit, and they conceded that they couldn’t accept my flight risk. On my second assessment with the hospital in Bradford (over 100 miles away from home) they were happy to admit me, but I refused to go after hearing of their very structured, intense, and rigid way of running things. The sound of a therapeutic timetable and wake-up/lights-off times, felt overwhelming and unappealing.
Not long after verbalising my
reluctance to go to that hospital, I made a suicide attempt and after refusing
to have the lifesaving antidote, I went into a coma and was put on life support.
When I came round, my Community Mental Health Team decided to apply for funding,
and I was admitted to the specialist hospital in Bradford just a few days later.
Having read up on the ward, I discovered that the ‘average length of admission’
was said to be 12 – 18 months because the programme for the Dialectical
Behaviour Therapy (DBT) they provide usually takes 6 – 12 months to complete.
And so, I packed a suitcase(!) and wasn’t at all surprised when, on January 6th,
2013, I found myself still an inpatient and in a difficult but productive 1:1
with my Key Nurse.
From my admission in July 2012,
things had been hugely challenging; mainly because being detained under the
1983 Mental Health Act and in hospital meant that I was pretty much entirely
robbed of all the means I used to self-harm or to attempt suicide. The
difficulty in doing that, was that I was filled with the notion ‘what the heck do
I do instead?’ But staff felt I was too unstable to start DBT, and so, I began
taking psychiatric medication that meant by the beginning of 2013, I was
feeling a lot stronger and full of the belief that I was on the right track. In
my 1:1 with my Key Nurse, I agreed to write notes and letters about the abuse I
experienced when I was younger for staff to read and learn more about what I’d
been through so that they’d be better placed in helping and supporting me. And
as I returned to my bedroom to find my laptop sat on my bed, I found myself
filled with the desire to begin documenting – what I believed I was finally
really embarking – my mental health recovery journey.
In all honesty, I put barely any
thought or consideration into creating I’m NOT Disordered and starting to blog
(something I would definitely not recommend for anyone who are debating joining
the industry). In fact, I think the most effort I went into was to make the
decision that creating a blog on Wordpress felt too difficult and challenging;
so, I opted for Blogger, which seemed to be so much more straight forward and easily
understandable. To be honest, I really didn’t appreciate that low sense of
effort until recently. Now that the blogging industry is so popular and
‘trendy’ I recognise that having such little headache and stress over creating
my blog was a bit of a blessing. Another area of blogging I find myself
grateful for my own experience with is that nowadays it’s so important to have
a stand-out quality to your blog; whether that be through design, name, genre,
content… But back in 2013, there were about three well-known mental health
blogs and none were by a current psychiatric hospital inpatient. I kind of
automatically had a niche; I hadn’t had to desperately find one in the way so
many newer Bloggers are needing to do in order to carve their own space in the
digital world.
Another aspect of I’m NOT
Disordered which came without much thought but has still proven to be a good
move is its name! I mean, I didn’t exactly go brainstorming names and ideas and
inspiration for them; but I did actually put a lot of thought into what I
wanted ‘I’m NOT Disordered’ to mean, represent, symbolise, and stand for. The
‘I’m’ is to signify the importance of treating someone with a mental illness as
a person and not a case number or patient. The ‘NOT’ is purposefully in capital
letters to give a little nudge to it possibly sounding childish. The ‘Disordered’
is a reference to my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). And
so, the entire title is a dig at how a lot of professionals and other service
users can sometimes treat you as no more than your diagnosis. As though it’s
the definition of you. As though it’s the only quality you have to offer.
I think that the fact I can
describe Day One of I’m NOT Disordered in such detail (I mean, it’s almost two
pages on the Word document I’m drafting this on!) really illustrates the part
of this section stating that I can remember starting to blog as though it were
yesterday. But then, the part about it feeling like it was forever ago stems
from the fact that I have so many amazing memories of incredible opportunities,
huge achievements, and monumental moments from blogging… And I struggle to even
recognise that I’ve experienced everything in ten years never mind any other
amount of time!
Another reason for feeling as though I’ve been blogging forever, is because it has become such a huge part of me as a person, and this gives the obvious and understandable notion that it’s a massive part of my life in general. It’s kind of ironic, but I named my blog as a symbol of not being defined by my mental illness; and I feel as though it (I’m NOT Disordered) has become the defining piece of my identity! I mean, when I’m being introduced to people at events, it’s often: “… and this is Aimee Wilson, she’s a Blogger.” In fairness, I really don’t mind that – it’s a lovely change from what I used to be! There was one time when I was in a medical hospital and this Nurse was handing over updates of all the patients to the Nurses coming on duty and her words were: “this is Aimee, you’ve probably heard of her – she’s the sectioned one.” And so, to be known and defined as something so much more positive? Well, that means a great deal, and I think it actually really illustrates my mental health recovery too and it shows how much better I’m doing.
I’ve created some content slightly
similar to this little point before, and I was always quite flippant about using
words like ‘essential’ and ‘must-have’ because I recognised that they’re
attention-grabbing and attractive for new readers. But I was also aware that
labelling items in that way might make readers reluctant to start blogging. That
the titles might make them feel completely incapable – for numerous reasons
e.g., unable to afford such items, unsure of using them etc. – of being able to
blog; and that is something I really hate the thought of. I mean, I’ve said
before that I’m very against seeing other bloggers as competition and rivals;
I’d much rather look at them as inspirational and influential. So that, coupled
with the fact that blogging has had a hugely helpful impact on my mental health
recovery, has left me really wanting to encourage more people to try blogging
with the real hope that they’ll benefit from it in the ways which I have.
Also! Before I show you the items, on their links and prices I’ve added the ones which I actually own – please don’t think of doing that as ‘showing off’ in any way. I just put it to illustrate that they work for/help me and so I’d recommend them…
iPad 10.2”: £339.98 (my actual iPad)
Fringe Studio Daily Planner:
£18.84
iPad Keyboard Case: £33.99 (my actual case)
Laptop Tray: £21.98
Portable Power Bank: £30.99
iPhone Charger Cable: £9.99 (my actual cables)
Belkin Surge Cube Plug: £14.99
Stationary Set: £10.99
Wooden Desk Organiser: £29.99
256GB Memory Stick: £24.49 (my actual stick)
Now, one item I really (jokingly)
refer to as a ‘must-have’ for blogging is my book: Everything Disordered which
is titled as ‘A Practical Guide to Blogging.’ It’s something I worked really
hard on for over a year and I’ve used it as an opportunity to create a resource
for aspiring bloggers that provides advice, tips, exercises, and examples that
are all intended to encourage and promote blogging.
You can buy it on Amazon here
From the very beginning of this
crazy journey, I have been so aware of my reader count… I mean, I remember when
the number reached 100 whilst I was still in the psychiatric hospital. I was
really close to the girl two doors down from my bedroom and she’d actually
helped design the blog when I first started out because I had no idea about
doing something like that.
So, each in our own room, we had
both been constantly watching the reader count from when it reached about 90,
which meant that when it reached those three digits; we both screamed! I raced
out of my room, and she was coming out of hers and we just hugged and screamed
and cried in the middle of the corridor. We were so excitable and loud that the
staff came running out of their office and began making their way to us when
they realised, we weren’t angry or sad – we weren’t at all angry or sad. I
obviously can’t speak for her, but I felt so incredibly proud. And honoured.
Honoured that so many people had taken just one minute out of their day to look
at I’m NOT Disordered. That they’d cared enough about me and my mental health
journey to want to see what I had to say about my experiences as an inpatient
of a psychiatric hospital.
Whilst I was in the hospital –
about a year or so after creating my blog – one of the other inpatients asked
me why I cared so much about the number of readers I had. And, knowing that
girl at the time, it’s safe to say that she meant it in a way that would make
me feel bad and that would call into question whether I had genuine
investments, care, and passion in the industry or whether I was all about the
superficial aspects. Her intentions kind of worked though; I mean, she did make
me think a lot harder about what she was insinuating and that meant I struggled
to answer her question. Fortunately, though, ten years is a fairly lengthy
amount of time, and so I’ve had a while to continue thinking about this point
and to come up with so many reasons and motivations that keep me excited by the
number on the reader count…
Firstly, it’s not about thinking
of my readers as a number themselves. I don’t think of them as a group of
nameless, faceless strangers. Instead, I’m driven by thought of what I’m NOT
Disordered’s content could mean and the impact it could have, on all of those
people. And the higher that number, the more chance that my blog is having the
desired affect and result that I’m really working towards. The top two messages
I really hope people can take from reading my blog is that there can always be
hope for recovery in mental illness, and that the digital world (and blogging
in particular) has the potential to have an amazingly positive impact on the
lives of those using it.
For such a long time when my
mental health was at its most poorly, I felt incredibly unlucky that my suicide
attempts didn’t work (although I came close to it twice when I was put on life
support), and now; I feel so intensely grateful and fortunate to still be
alive. And I hope that this is something which shines through my content – especially
considering one of those instances of life support happened after creating the
blog and so I was able to document it (the actual experience and my thoughts
and feelings around it) when I made a full, medical recovery.
It’s interesting and helpful, I
think, that readers can look back at that time in my life – the time when I was
genuinely suicidal – and see what it has become now. How passionate I am about
what I do with my life, how much I enjoy blogging and all of the opportunities
and work that come my way and the success it has, and how happy I am with my
bunny (Luna) and my friends and family. As well as those incredibly things,
there’s also how helpful my Richmond Fellowship Recovery Workers are, how
useful my medication is, and how much my DBT skills are benefiting me when I
have the odd difficult moment. In all honesty, it genuinely scares me to think
that I, personally, created a number of opportunities where there was a chance
that none of this would have happened. Where my future and all the
possibilities that would come with it, could have been completely taken away.
So, I really, truly hope that my recovery can be some sort of inspiration or
reassurance to others who are struggling with their mental health so that they
can see that there is every bit of chance that things will turn around. And
that the only thing that can really get in your way, is you.
Being grateful for the number of
readers my blog has isn’t all about you guys though, some of my appreciation is
– arguably – of a selfish nature. But, I’d like to think that a major quality
of I’m NOT Disordered that attracts reader is the honesty and openness of the
content. So, I won’t lie; I do also recognise and have gratitude for the fact
that the more readers there is, the higher the possibility and chance of me
securing some amazing, high-profile collaborations, as well as being offered
some once-in-a-life-time, special opportunities. In the early days of me
pitching ideas for working with other people or organisations, I failed to secure
a lot… Until I started mentioning my reader count and other, more general,
statistics.
Initially relying on that
information to be given some really big monumental moments and achievements,
made me feel kind of uncomfortable and reluctant. It had me worrying that me
and my own skills weren’t good enough to qualify for such experiences and that
made me feel terrible for using you guys as a quality that they found more
appealing. But, over time, I learnt that my blog wouldn’t have the readership
it has if I wasn’t doing something right! Like, I’m not stupid; I know that not
every single person reading this will enjoy it or look at the entirety of my
blog in a positive light; but come on! Over one million people?! In making this
realisation, I found myself becoming more comfortable referring to the
readership in pitches or when advertising and promoting my blog in a more
general way e.g., in conversations etc. And, as the blogging industry has grown
and my own ideas for I’m NOT Disordered have developed, I’ve also come to
understand why organisations, brands, business, well-known individuals etc.
find the statistics appealing and convincing. At the end of the day, there
needs to be a clear benefit to agreeing to a collaboration – in the same way
that I want to know how I would progress when it is someone pitching a
collaboration to me.
So, with all of that in mind, the
biggest readership milestones where I have actually hosted parties to celebrate
them; have been reaching 100,000 and 1,000,000. For 100k, I hired a huge hall in
a fancy Hotel in the nearest city centre (Newcastle), invited 100 people, had a
buffet, private bar, and hired a musician! For one million, I wanted something
a bit more intimate so that everyone there were someone who I actually knew and
who meant a lot to me and my blog’s journey.
Other reader milestones I’ve
marked over the years – with the links to the blog posts about them – have
been:
One of the most enjoyable and fun
aspects – that I’ve experienced, and in my opinion, – with my mental health
recovery, has been the irony! And this was largely experienced when I worked
with two particular organisations… One being my work with Northumbria Police
and the other one being with Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS
Foundation Trust (CNTW).
When my mental health first
deteriorated in 2009, there was very little talk about mental health and that
meant that the Police had no real recognition that their input was sometimes
required in mental health crisis, and this meant they were definitely not
willing to learn more about mental health to improve the help and support they
were being required to provide. And their reluctance to have an education on
the subject was probably one of the biggest reasons why they were so incredibly
terrible in their responses around mental health crisis.
Back then, I found so many of the
Officers to be rude, ignorant, judgmental, and just plain spiteful and nasty.
In recent years, however, Northumbria Police have come to accept and
acknowledge that their presence and assistance is going to be called upon in
some mental health related situations where they might be thinking ‘that’s not
in my job description’ or ‘this isn’t what I signed up for.’ And so, alongside
CNTW, I helped facilitate mental health training for the new Police recruits
and it left me feeling so reassured that people in crises similar to the ones I
had experienced, will be treat so much better than I was. I mean, the CNTW
staff and Police Mental Health Lead, would advise the recruits on the legal
side of situations and provide education on which laws are most appropriate for
each scenario they created. Then I would step in and explain how these things
affect the person in crisis and I’d be able to get across how important it is
that they listen to advice on their comments, behaviours, and attitudes because
these things can be vital to the safety and outcome of the entire situation.
The largest ‘full circle’
recognition came in 2017, and I discussed some of it in this blog post: FROM CELLS TO
CONFERENCES | MY MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY WITH NORTHUMBRIA POLICE | I'm NOT
Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
My other ‘full circle’ kind of
experience was in my collaborations and work with CNTW…
My experience started with them
when I first became poorly with my mental health and I made my first suicide
attempt, I was sectioned and – after having the life-saving medical treatment –
admitted to a CNTW hospital for the first time. Having no previous experience
with the Trust didn’t matter in terms of me having expectations of what it
would be like in the hospital, because I’d heard so many horror stories about
my local psychiatric hospital (which was also a CNTW site, but had no available
beds). Those terrifying rumours were actually the reason why I hadn’t tried to
get help as soon as I started to hear the auditory hallucinations ten days
before making my suicide attempt, because I was terrified that I’d be sent to
the hospital.
My first two or three
admissions/suicide attempts, the staff treat me really well and showed concern,
kindness, and validation. As soon as I disclosed the abuse I’d experienced when
I was younger though, the ‘possible diagnosis’ on my discharge summary read
‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ and from that moment, their care, support,
and help pretty much vanished! I remember asking my CNTW Community Psychiatric
Nurse (CPN) whether this was going to be an actual diagnosis and she said “I
don’t want to do that just yet because no one gets better from it. No services
will help you once you get that label.” And that was the start of the end of my
trust, respect, and appreciation for CNTW.
The number of times that I was
referred to as an ‘attention-seeker’ and accused of faking my symptoms was so
frequent that I ended up questioning my own validity! I mean, I had the thought
‘they’re the professionals; they know best. So, if that’s what they think…
maybe they’re right...?’But of course they weren’t. And with them taking that
attitude and having that response, I became more and more reluctant to ask them
for help when I was in a crisis – or even just when I felt as though my mental
health was heading that way. I felt completely alone, dismissed, and the
absence of validation left me feeling even more unsafe.
Fortunately, though, there were
inconsistencies in the staff… I think that the best illustration for there
being some good staff and some poor, was when I made that third suicide attempt
in July 2012. When I was in the coma, apparently my Mum had been telling the
CNTW Psychiatric Liaison Team in the hospital that she wanted me to be taken to
the specialist hospital I’d refused to go to. They said they would be sending
me home, and when she asked what would happen if she said she didn’t want me
there (which she obviously wouldn’t mean), their response was that they’d refer
me to a homeless shelter! But, luckily, my new CPN and Psychologist were the
good guys and they agreed with my Mum and had me admitted to the Personality
Disorder hospital which, ultimately, helped save my life.
The fact that CNTW had sent me
there after conceding that they didn’t have the services and facilities to help
me, was something that – as I entered into recovery – I became extremely
grateful for. I recognised that it actually took something really admirable for
them to have accepted their inadequacy and I felt truly honoured that they
clearly believed I had the potential to recover or they wouldn’t have given me
the opportunity to do so. It also gave me the notion that they thought I had
the potential to do well in my future, and that I was deserving of that. And
so, in reaching recovery and being discharged back into the community and into
CNTW’s care in 2014, I felt keen to thank them for all of their faith in me and
so I began to build some connections and joined their Involvement Bank (an
initiative where service users and carers can be contacted if a department, ward
etc in CNTW would like their perspective on something e.g., an upcoming project
or campaign).
It's not just about me though! Similarly,
to the Police engaging in training sessions, whilst I had been in the
specialist hospital all those miles away from CNTW’s locality, the Trust had
actually set up a whole ton of Personality Disorder services and were employing
and training staff in helping and supporting
service users with that diagnosis. Of course, simply doing these things
doesn’t equal perfect improvement… I still hear bad feedback about their
services from others, but I think even their most senior staff would agree that
there’s always room for improvement in healthcare – especially where that
healthcare is in mental health. Also, in fairness, those service users who I’ve
heard complaining (usually about the teams used in crisis – the Crisis
Resolution Home Treatment Team and the Psychiatric Liaison Team) are recent
referrals, and I wonder if that means they have different expectations? As in,
maybe if they’d experienced the Trust during the years I did, they might be
reassured of its progress and have more faith – as I do – in the fact that CNTW
have the ability and bravery to better themselves.
The most recent recognition of my ‘full circle’ notion with CNTW, was when I attended their Staff Excellence Awards earlier this year; and you can read about that here: THE IMPORTANCE OF RECOGNISING SKILLS, ASSETS, & QUALITIES | THE STAFF EXCELLENCE AWARDS 2022 | IN COLLABORATION WITH CUMBRIA, NORTHUMBERLAND, TYNE & WEAR NHS FOUNDATION TRUST | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
In 2018, I was told that I’m NOT
Disordered had made it into the UK’s Top 10 Borderline Personality Disorder Blogs
on FeedSpot (here’s the post from back then when I got the news: TOP 10 UK
BLOGS ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)), and over
the last four years the list has developed and is now not only just a ‘Top 5,’
but it also has I’m NOT Disordered in the number 1 position! (For the rest of
the current list: Top 5 UK Borderline Personality Disorder Blogs)
Before a few years into my blogging career, I was very reluctant
and blowing my own horn and talking publicly (that counted even if it was just
with one other person!) about any skills I possessed, talents I had mastered,
or achievements I had accomplished. Regardless of having always had
encouragement and positive feedback on my creativity and the things that I
enjoyed doing as I grew up, my Art and Design teacher at High School managed to
completely squash that into meaning absolutely nothing to me and any confidence
I had previously had. She tore my work to pieces with her very unconstructive
criticism and literally did all that she could on a practical level to ensure I
didn’t achieve a good grade in the subject when it finally came to having a
show wall of the pieces I’d made throughout a particular length of time as an
examination of the GCSE qualification.
Feeling as though my efforts – no
matter how much time and energy I put into them – were never good enough and
that my creativity on a whole, was fairly inadequate; it felt as though someone
has pressed this button that, when it was pressed, automatically switched off a
person’s confidence, self-esteem, and self-judgment. I mean, when I finished
the qualification (I got the ‘pass’ grade that I needed for going on to further
education), it was like I didn’t even need the teacher’s voice reverberating off
the inside of my head because my own thoughts and opinions were so low and
debilitating that they completely rivalled hers! Which meant that it wasn’t
until around eight years after that exam (which meant it was just over two
years into my blogging career), that I found my confidence and feelings of
self-worth improving.
The turning point? Reaching my
first, really big milestone in the reader count of I’m NOT Disordered; 100,000!
Now, having talked a bit about the importance of the reader count earlier in
this post, but I didn’t really talk about the impact it’s had on my confidence
in this respect. What I did say though, that is linked to this, was that I
recognise that the higher the reader counts, the more likely I am to secure
collaborations and opportunities. And so, in doing that, I found myself needing
a great deal of confidence to be willing to talk about the size of my audience
because I was well aware that in doing so, it could very easily – and
understandably – seem as though I’m bragging.
In addition to talking more about
the readership to secure opportunities, I also like to do it simply because I’m
so proud. I recognise that there are so many blogs out there – the category of
mental health blogging has particularly grown since I created, I’m NOT
Disordered – and that means yours has to really have something special to be
read when there’s such a huge choice of blogs out there now. And so, to be
number 1 in the UK? Well, it leaves me with the notion that I’m finally doing
something right. Something very right. And, after all that time being picked
apart and torn to pieces by my Art and Design teacher, I probably appreciate
milestones like this a lot more because I’ve seen what the opposite attitude
and behaviour to this is like; and, how it affects me and my mental health.
Now, I’m all about being honest –
especially on here; but I’m also incredibly aware that this might sound
ungrateful… The one drawback that I’ve found to being number 1 – or probably to
being of any place – on this list, though, is the pressure that comes with it. And
I kind of think that anyone would either feel that or appreciate why I would.
On the ‘off chance’ you don’t understand why I would feel this pressure; it’s
because I hold a sense of motivation and determination to stay in that place. And
that sounds kind of competitive but it’s not… It’s because I’m 100% certain
that being number 1 is a huge indicator of my energy and effort being
worthwhile and my content being of a high standard. And so, to lose that
position – I would interpret that to mean – the quality of my blog had
deteriorated and that – on the whole – meant that I was now failing.
Realising that if I’m NOT Disordered does drop down the list, I’m very grateful for the stability of my mental health and my strong ability to maintain my safety. I’m also focusing on the fact that being at any place on that list is a real honour because if a blogger further down the list came to me with a low self-worth and absence of confidence in voicing the notion of failure because they aren’t number 1, I wouldn’t support that thought process. I’d tell them that it’s a huge achievement to just be mentioned and that even then, it should be more important what you think of your own content and the feedback your readers might be giving you. So, it’s one of those instances similar to ‘why don’t you take your own advice?’ that I’ll be keeping in mind should my blog’s ranking change.
*Not to like, plug my book again (which you can buy here); but I actually went into a lot
of detail about this tip (starting on page 209)!*
Sadly, I can’t remember the first time my Mum said this to me, but it
was her who told me it and inspired me to use it in so many aspects of my
blogging career/journey. Primarily, though, this tip is really useful for
landing collaborations and gifts. I’ve found that it really works perfectly in
boosting and working alongside my new-found confidence surrounding my blog and
spurred on by the milestones in my reader count.
When I told my Mum that I was
including this in the blog post, she said to make sure people know that it
wasn’t about being greedy! And I totally agree; I mean, I’d like to think that
isn’t how I use it either. Instead, I try to see it as motivation to initiate a
conversation or email chain with ideas for opportunities and pitches for
collaborations with organisations or well-regarded/well-known individuals.
It’s actually really helped me to
develop the thought process that the worst thing that could happen from me
using my initiative and confidence, is that someone says “no.” And really, how
bad is that? I mean, in the grand scheme of everything – particularly the
largest challenges in blogging – is a ‘no’ so terrible? To be honest, I’ve had
to remind myself of that so many times because when I first started blogging, I
obviously wasn’t amazing at it and so almost inevitably, I received a few
negative responses and I felt so disappointed and let-down. In fact, I’m really
mincing my words, because really? Well, I felt like an absolute failure! I didn’t
– not for one minute – consider the possibility that I was just starting out in
the industry and that I had a long way to go and a lot to learn before I could
achieve and secure the opportunities and experiences I was dreaming of and
wishing for.
I finally figured out that to be
given a ‘yes’, I really needed to work my butt off to earn it – to earn the opportunities
and experiences I was looking for and asking for – and that I’d then have to work
even harder to actually achieve my dreams, goals, and aims. Making this recognition,
meant that I threw my all into blogging and making I’m NOT Disordered into all
that it is today. And what do you know, I began experiencing a ton of positive
responses when I approached organisations suggesting collaborations and
pitching ideas.
Then, after a year or so of that,
I found that things started to become the other way around; charities, companies,
and brands were actually starting to approach me and they were the ones initiating
the possibility and thought of us working together. Ironically though, just
like how I had to learn to cope with a ‘no’, I also had to put a lot of thought
into how I reacted when this opposite turn of events (them approaching me) was
happening. I mean, I was incredibly aware of the danger here; I knew that it
could very easily (and completely understandable, really) influence for me to
have an attitude that I’ve witnessed so many other Bloggers illustrate – a cockiness
and an arrogance with a showing-off kind of attitude and behaviour. It always
seems to come as a Blogger’s success and their blog’s popularity are on the up.
It’s like they’ve forgotten where they started and deem themselves to be better
than those who are still in that start position.
Fortunately, my upbringing and – I
think – general attitude and approach to life, has really helped me to stray from
that path and to (hopefully – I mean I’d like to think this is the case!)
maintain a sense of being grounded. An awareness of how hard I’ve worked to get
to this point of people approaching me. And in following my greatest blog
influence (Victoria Magrath of inthefrow.com), I’ve been able to see how much
it means to work hard for accomplishments and achievements, and to not see that
as reaching the top. It can be such a good thought process and attitude to always
believe that you can do better. To never feel like you’ve reached your peak and
that it’s the end of you creating and manifesting bigger and better aspirations.
Now, something I will be honest about
and admit to, is that in doing this – in always striving for more, of course it
can become tiring. Of course, it’s sometimes draining and the thought might
cross your mind that nothing will ever be ‘good enough’ to feel somewhat satisfied
and content with things. To be honest, I did used to sometimes feel worn out. When
my mental health was poorly and I began experiencing this tiredness with my
blogging career, it was something I actually really struggled to cope with.
Like, even in so far as feeling that I was becoming unsafe. And so, upon recognising
that I hated the thought of not blogging because of this; I found it really
important that I learn some coping mechanisms in order to keep blogging without
it jeopardising my happiness and safety. In learning that, I’ve found that I
now experience the exact opposite; I now thrive of this sensation of kind of
competing against myself. I even find it motivating when I become tired with
how much time and effort I’m putting into things! I mean, even to the point
where I’ll be at an event all day, there’ll be travelling, early starts, late finishing,
no time for food or toilet breaks, and people will be saying “are you not
stressed?” and I’m like “yeah, but I love it!” And I think that this is
something which really illustrates just how much I believe that in doing all of
this – everything in the blogging industry – I have found a true purpose for my
life.
This tip of utilising ‘shy bairns
get nowt’ has also become useful with the occasions when I’ve given some public
speeches and presentations, have contributed and spoken up in large meetings,
and when I/I’m NOT Disordered has been in the media. Like so many people, I was
terrified at the idea of speaking in front of lots of people or having an interview
where I knew that my answers were going to become very public! And so, this ‘shy-bairns-get-nowt’
tip came in handy because instead of focusing on the gains, it helped me to look
at it more as though concentrating on what wouldn’t happen if I didn’t just
grit my teeth and stamp my fear right down to the back of my mind.
I knew that giving these speeches
and being in the media would be such a good move for my blog’s status and
position in the industry. And it wasn’t so much about wanting more readers, it
was about wanting what that might mean… That publicising I’m NOT Disordered
would increase the chance that the content I was creating could help someone
and ultimately – aside from the therapeutic impact blogging has on me and my
mental health – my greatest aim in everything I write or put together, is for
it to benefit someone else in whatever way applicable depending upon the theme
of the content. And ‘shy bairns get nowt’ encourages me to keep that in mind
and to utilise it as a confidence booster in supporting me through these public
speaking and media appearance opportunities.
For anyone who doesn’t understand
or know the notion and premise behind this term (because I’ve already had
someone be confused over it), this is a little list of some of the biggest,
most important moments that have happened recently where I’ve felt so shocked
and which have been so surreal and surprising that I’ve almost had to pinch
myself to remind myself that it is, indeed, reality…
ü
Planning and counting down to this
Birthday
ü
Becoming 1st place on
the Top 5 UK Borderline Personality Disorder Blogs
ü
Being featured on the Cumbria,
Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust’s bulletin that circulates
amongst thousands of staff
ü
The success of Blogmas (in case
you missed it, here’s the re-cap with links and information on each of the
daily posts: BLOGMAS 2022
| DAY TWENTY-FIVE: LESSONS LEARNT, BEHIND-THE-SCENES, & A RE-CAP! | I'm NOT
Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk))
ü
Reaching over 1.1 million readers!
ü Working on the major announcement coming at the end of this post!
I made the decision to feature
collaborations on I’m NOT Disordered for a number of reasons…
1.
That it might help increase the
publicity and reputation of the collaborator (who is usually someone or an organisation
that I really believe deserve to be more well-known for a number/variety of
reasons)
2.
That it’s an opportunity to double
the publicity of the content I create because the collaborator will be sharing
our work together on social media too and that publicity can be a great
influence on increasing the impact my content has on others
3.
It’s a good excuse to be creative
in putting together content that is relevant to both the mental health elements
I usually blog about, as well as whatever issue or theme the collaborator is centred
on, in order to make it applicable to their audience and not just mine
4.
It also usually means I get to have
an exciting or amazing experience with attending a collaborators event or
conference, being gifted products, being able to give presentations and talks
that might help others, one-off opportunities like walking Alpacas!
5.
A sense of achievement. Experiencing
so much influence and inspiration from blogs that are primarily featuring
fashion and beauty mean that I view collaborations as really meaningful and have
a sense of ‘ranking’ amongst different organisations who hold a particular standing
in the world/industry
And so, without further ado, here are
my favourite (for so many different reasons) ten collaboration pieces from the
past ten years:
Etsy/The Design Parlour: MENTAL
HEALTH & FRIENDSHIPS | IN COLLABORATION WITH THE DESIGN PARLOUR | DISCOUNT
CODE INCLUDED!!! | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust: WHY
MENTAL HEALTH IS TAKING A BEATING WITH THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC | IN
PARTNERSHIP WITH CUMBRIA, NORTHUMBERLAND, TYNE & WEAR NHS FOUNDATION TRUST
| I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
St Oswald’s Hospice: MENTAL
HEALTH & APPLYING FOR A JOB: FROM HOURS TO INTERVIEW TIPS | MY NEW STAFF
ROLE WITH ST OSWALD’S HOSPICE | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
Edinburgh Bus Tours: WHY
COLLABORATIONS CAN BE ALL ABOUT LEARNING AS YOU GO | IN COLLABORATION WITH
EDINBURGH BUS TOURS | AD | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
Richmond Fellowship: RICHMOND
FELLOWSHIP WORKING TOGETHER FORUM | #RFWORKINGTOGETHERFORUM | AD | I'm NOT
Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
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This bit was actually really interesting
and exciting for me to do! I mean, I loved looking back over the entire last
ten years on I’m NOT Disordered because it gave me the opportunity to reflect
on how far I – and my blog – have come over that time. It was also really cool
to see my definition of ‘important’ change over the years; I would deem some of
these old posts to be important in so far as I’m NOT Disordered’s journey and
progress and others as turning points in my mental health and recovery.
Now, I don’t want to seem
ungrateful – but judging by how often and how much I talk about how much the
number of readers means to me, you won’t think that way! – but one of the
hardest parts of my blogs audience growing to such an incredible height over
the course of ten years, is that it means I have no real idea of how much about
my life people know. Like, how do I know that someone reading this post right
now, will know that I actually stopped blogging for a few months? And it’s not
about caring that I feel the need to put more effort and time into posts in
order to explain things from years ago so that recent readers understand some
context. It’s purely about wanting people to appreciate how drastically things have
changed over the years – for both me personally, and for I’m NOT Disordered.
2013 The Admission
For The OD | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
2014 The End of
I'm NOT Disordered | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
2015 Thank You for
100k | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
2017 You CAN Get
Through Reporting Your Trauma | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
2021 CELEBRATING
ONE MILLION READERS!!! | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
Since the moment I produced my book:
Everything Disordered (which I’ve already linked a few times and is also permanently
linked in the image of my book on the left) in 2021 and saw both how popular it
was, and how incredible an experience it was to create it; I’ve had this idea
for another one. I couldn’t have been more amazed at the processes Everything
Disordered went through and I absolutely loved how much creativity it drew from
me. It was like I could be my true self and really indulge my creative side and
allow it full reign in putting together an entire book that was actually also dubbed
‘A Practical Guide to Blogging.’
In creating Everything Disordered,
I also really enjoyed being in complete control of something that is going to
be so hugely monumental in my blogging journey. It’s no secret that I am a bit
of a control freak, and I think that stems from the abuse in how it was a
massive trauma for me and I couldn’t do all that much about it. I mean, even if
I had been able to speak up earlier, I couldn’t change that it happened and
that it happened against my will. And so, I really benefit from having a
massive ‘say’ in things. It’s about responsibility too and wanting to be able
to hold myself accountable for any successes or failures that come my way.
So, the thought behind this new
book is that I’ve searched high and low online and in stores to find some sort
of wellbeing journal or guide that is especially aimed at bloggers whose
content is of any theme or falls within any industry. And so, similarly to when
I discovered there were no well-known mental health blogs being written by
psychiatric hospital inpatients, I felt the inclination, motivation, and
passion to do it myself! Also, just like I’m NOT Disordered, the prospect that what
I could do might be beneficial and helpful for some people, really instilled a
sense of purpose and dedication in me to devote a ton of time and effort to make
this idea and dream, a reality.
Naming the book and making some of the initial, basic decisions was fairly easy, quick, and straightforward; but taking things further than that? Well I’m putting a heck of a lot of thought and care into this and so my hope is that it’ll be published and available to buy on Amazon in April 2023! Keep an eye out for the cover reveal and the announcement of the book’s title – though I’ve left a lot of clues for it in here!
