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When I first created, I’m NOT Disordered and started blogging in
January 2013, I did so with the sole intention of writing about my mental
health journey for my family and friends who were over 100 miles away from the
psychiatric hospital I had been an inpatient in since the summer of 2012, in
the pure, genuine hope that it would aid them in their understanding of what
was going on, and therefore place them in a better position to connect/communicate
with me. With this lack of thought toward the prospect of I’m NOT Disordered
amounting to anything more – in terms of its meaning to me and its popularity –
I didn’t really consider the importance of marking, with some sort of specific
content, World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD) that year.
The following year (2014) though, I was taking blogging a bit more
seriously and had started to build a real following in terms of the size of the
readership, and so I was more aware of creating content for others in so far as
posts that others would care about too rather than just sticking to my own
experiences. So, I produced my first WSPD blog post: World Suicide
Prevention Day | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk) where I
talked – in not a whole lot of detail – about the three suicide attempts I had
made prior to that date (September 10th 2014). I had previously
mentioned all three – the most recent one in particular because it took place whilst
I was in the psychiatric hospital around ten months after I created I’m NOT
Disordered (October 2013); which meant that I actually did an entire blog post
about it here: The Admission
For The OD | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk) – in other
posts and received no horrible comments so I genuinely really didn’t expect any
to come from talking about them again in this WSPD post.
Unfortunately, I was wrong, and so just two days later, I wrote
another blog post (which you can read here: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2014/09/the-end-of-im-not-disordered.html) announcing
that I’d be deleting I’m NOT Disordered due to receiving a few nasty comments –
the main one though, was on that WSPD post where someone left a comment wishing
me ‘good luck with the next one!’ In the post terminating my blog, I talked
about recognising that in talking about such personal and intimate parts of my
life, I was opening myself up to such comments, but that at that time, I didn’t
see the benefits I got from blogging as incredible and important enough to
power me through these comments. And, in all honesty, it’s so strange to think
that there was ever a point where this was true because I’m NOT Disordered now
feels like a hugely defining aspect in/about my life; and it feels like that
has been the case for so long! Like, to the point where its hard to accept that
there was a time – no matter whether it was considered lengthy or not – when
this wasn’t actually true.
Obviously, I started blogging again almost two months later (on
October 29th and which you can read here: An
Explanation | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)) when I
found myself almost automatically moving to blog about particular instances
that I experienced and recognised this was really a sign that I missed it. So, whilst
I did continue to create content that included talk about suicide – I actually
didn’t do a specific post to mark WSPD again until 2019… In that blog post - “JUST BECAUSE
YOU’VE SAID YOU FEEL SUICIDAL, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ACT ON IT” | HOW IT
REALLY FEELS, MY ATTEMPTS, & THE STIGMA | SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY 2019 | I'm
NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk) – I talked about my experiences of suicide attempts and the
importance of recognising that telling someone – anyone – that you’re suicidal,
does not mean you have to go on to act on these thoughts and feelings… No
matter what anyone else leads you to think or encourages you to believe!
A year later, I found I still had the desire to create a WSPD post
for 2020, and again, I came at it positively – something that certainly isn’t
compulsory and is definitely difficult considering the topic – in listing the
reasons why I’m thankful to a number of organisations, people, and my pets: MY LIFESAVERS
| WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY 2020 | I'm NOT Disordered
(imnotdisordered.co.uk). Whilst showing gratitude for those who have saved your life may
seem kind of regular and perhaps even an expectation, it was hugely challenging
for me – and likely for many others who have been prevented from committing
suicide by something – to actually even just recognise that my mental health
recovery was finally at a point where I genuinely no longer resented all those lifesaving
factors. I had stopped viewing them as spiteful with the belief that they were
punishing me by saving my life and knowing that in doing so, I was only going
to go on to struggle more. I had come round from the conviction that some of those
people and organisations had just been ‘doing their job’ and finding an excuse
to repeat the ‘we-have-a-duty-of-care’ party line rather than them actually
caring about me and/or my life.
In 2021, I had started to write a Fiction book called When We
Jump, and I used World Suicide Prevention Day that year as inspiration to blog
about my thoughts and advice on keeping yourself safe and well whilst you’re
reading about suicide. Unfortunately, that book is no longer in the works (but
it’s definitely still something I would love to actually do one day!) but I’m
grateful that it was something I had started because I think that it led me to
a really good angle for my WSPD content that year (which you can read here: HOW TO READ
ABOUT SUICIDE & STILL BE SAFE | I’M WRITING A FICTION BOOK – COVER RELEASE
INCLUDED!!! | WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY 2021 | I'm NOT Disordered
(imnotdisordered.co.uk)).
I think it was a productive way to theme my content because being
a Blogger and working in Marketing and Communications, I’m more than conscious
that on Awareness dates the digital world could, arguably, be classed as being
oversaturated with content regarding the particular issue/diagnosis/challenge
etc that the date is centred around. In recent years, I’ve actually seen a
number of influential mental health persons on social media talk about their
refusal to produce content purely because of their belief that these are topics
which should be discussed and publicised all-year round. Because those who
these things actually affect, aren’t just affected on this one day, week, or
month. And so, whilst I tend to maintain the belief that maybe we should be
grateful that at least we have these Awareness dates that are trying to
eradicate the stigma and discrimination associated with the issues, I do
recognise some people will feel overwhelmed by the amount of themed content on
their timelines/trending track features, and social media feeds. And so, with
those people in mind, I felt that blog post encouraging safe coping skills if
you feel upset or triggered when reading content centred around suicide could
be a really helpful resource.
Finally, for WSPD last year – 2022 – I published a blog post
around the two main ways/actions that have led to me still being alive and this
made me glad that I’ve talked about I’m NOT Disordered’s history with this
Prevention Day because looking back at last year’s content (THE LARGEST
ACTIONS THAT HAVE KEPT ME ALIVE | WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY 2022 | I'm NOT
Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)) I realised there may have been some crossover in some of the
bits I had been planning to write about in this post!
In recognising that I have already blogged about how reporting the
abuse I experienced when I was younger and accepting help from mental health
professionals and other healthcare services was monumental in helping me battle
suicidal thoughts and feelings, I started brainstorming other actions that I
felt were important and came up with this…
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When I was younger, I used to write short stories all the time
about ponies going on adventures (I used to take horse-riding lessons) and my
Nana absolutely loved to read them. Which, looking back, meant that from an
early age I recognised that my writing could change a person’s mood and that
doing so, could change my mood at the thought that it was affecting others. When
the abuse started when I was 15, I found that I struggled to continue writing in
that way because for so many reasons I was silenced when it came to reporting
the abuse and I was so afraid that I’d end up writing something that would
provide a hint or clue to someone if they read it. As things continued though,
I began keeping this tiny little diary where I wrote in that abbreviated way
that has become a bit of a pet-hate for lots of people (including me – most of
the time!), but which was quite a perfect way to be able to write what was
happening, but without the worry that someone finding and reading it, would
fully understand the abbreviations and acronyms.
In finding it somewhat therapeutic to be able to write out things
that were happening to me that were truly life-changing yet which I had so many
rationales for feeling that they weren’t something that I could actually tell
someone. Without that diary, I felt assured that I could have exploded… I mean,
it’s like – except in a really negative way – when a person falls pregnant, and
they’re advised not to tell other people until they are so far along when
there’s a higher chance, they won’t lose their baby. I mean, having a child is
a massively defining moment in your life and not being able to talk about that
and have that sort of verbal outlet, can very easily bring the notion that you
can’t socialise properly because you’re holding in such a huge secret from
everyone. Hiding something like that can leave you with the notion that you’re
somewhat distant from everyone else because they don’t know something that
might just be the most important thing in your life right now.
Whilst that diary was useful at the time, when the abuse ‘ended’
in 2007, I felt a level of regret that some of it was somewhat documented in
that diary, but as much as I felt that way; there was a bigger part of me which
thought it was a good idea to still keep the diary (and doing so proved helpful
when I finally reported the abuse to the Police). I think that the notions of
regret largely stemmed from the recognition that it meant that there was now a
physical place in the world where the abuse was documented. It meant that I
felt it made me struggle even more after the abuse; when I was filled with the
desire to block the entire thing out and pretend nothing at all had happened! It
was like it meant that I had even more than my memories to fight against now…
And what made it worse was that it was my own fault for keeping the stupid
diary!
Just over two years after the abuse, when I finally did explode
and made my first suicide attempt, I found myself being sectioned under the
1983 Mental Health Act because I point-blank refused to tell all the extremely surprised
people why I had made the attempt. In the psychiatric hospital though, I met
another inpatient who had been abused too and she helped talk me into reporting
my experience. One procedure in doing this, however, was having to work with
the Police to provide a written statement and in the process of this, I had the
realisation that these little words on this piece of paper with the Northumbria
Police logo on the header and footer, had the potential to change so much. The
fact that the way a sentence was phrased and the language and terminology that
were used could aid in ending my abuser’s career and result in him being sentenced
to time in prison, was a huge aspect that didn’t once leave my mind the entire
time it took for the statement to be written.
This recognition of the power of writing and then the feeling I
got when the entire statement was finished and I was assured that finally,
everyone knew at least the majority of what had happened to me; led me to see
that writing could benefit my mental health. With that in mind, when – three years
later – I found myself in a specialist psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away
from home and having been on life support for a suicide attempt and I was continuing
to struggle with the thoughts, feelings, and hallucinations, the urge to write
came into my head… I thought it might be a good idea to begin writing notes for
the mental health staff; particularly my Key Nurse and favourite – and still
the greatest I have ever been treated by – Psychiatrist.
I found that writing these notes was really therapeutic and I
would say that it was definitely a huge contributor to my mental health
recovery because I enjoyed the notion that I was relieving my head of all these
thoughts that were overwhelmingly taking up so much space in my mind. Their
size and ferocity meant that I often felt as though there wasn’t enough room/space
to facilitate me being able to have/experience my own, healthy, productive, and
positive thoughts and feelings.
Of course, the other benefit to writing about all these areas and situations that were challenging my levels of safety and general mood/wellbeing, was that those staff who read the notes would also be aware of these things and that better enabled them to offer me help and support. I mean, how can someone help your or making anything better if they don’t really know or understand what is wrong in the first place?
I 100% believe that having a mental illness – no matter which
one/what your diagnosis actually is – is a massively lonely position to be in. You
know, mental health charities and organisations often use the statistic that 1
in 4 people will experience a mental health problem (How
common are mental health problems? - Mind) to illustrate just how common things
are. However, this depends upon how you look at it; because you might also view
it as evidence that the person with the mental health problems, is actually
still really outnumbered! So how easily could it be to feel comforted and
reassured that you aren’t alone being told that there are likely three times
more people than you who actually might not have a clue as to what you’re going
through? Well, really, even if you were surrounded by others with the exact
same diagnosis as you, it wouldn’t automatically mean everyone understood you
and your experiences/symptoms.
Being over 100 miles away from my family and friends when I was
only 21, was so much more exacerbating of these feelings and notions of loneliness
and isolation. And when we (inpatients) were regulated to our use of the communal
landline, which was stationed at the end of one of the bedroom corridors and
had no booth for any sense of confidentiality; it didn’t really scream a sense
of family bonding or quality friendship time. Their entire situation and the forever
changing ward rules about mobile phones, meant that in just the first few months
of being there, I felt my relationships and friendships were beginning to
dwindle and ebb away with the belief and almost conviction that none of the most
important people in my life really knew what I was going through. And with
that, I created I’m NOT Disordered and wrote my first blog post…
Whilst I originally – for a good eight or nine months, I think – didn’t
imagine that this blog going far and only really envisioned it being for the
sole purpose of better communicating with the few (around less than 200, I think)
friends and family who were on my private Facebook account. I hoped that in
doing so, I would feel a bit more understood and in my loved ones having that
increased empathy, I’d feel even more better helped and supported by them. I’d felt
that I’d truly be assured that they were offering their help and comfort from a
place of actual, proper understanding and true comprehension as to the meaning
of the things they said and did and with a real knowledge of why I was saying
and doing everything I was.
The mental health diagnosis that the psychiatric hospital
specialised in was Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and two of the nine
possible symptoms (though the diagnostic criteria and title of the illness have
both changed since then) were having unstable relationships and experiencing an
uncontrollable and erratic anger. Those, coupled with a few of the other
possible symptoms around massive mood changes and suicidal thoughts and
feelings meant the ward was an incredibly volatile environment. When I woke up
and stepped outside my bedroom for the first time that day, I felt like I was
almost reluctantly edging my way out like a wild animal unsure if it’s safe
enough to come out of their hiding spot!
When I did take my chances and spend time out on the ward getting to
know the other girls and actually building some incredible friendships with a
few of them, it almost automatically and predictably often ended up with my
feeling the need to get straight on my laptop (as soon as we were allowed them,
after our evening Reflection Meeting) and venting! Writing – or typing – all the
thoughts and feelings I’d had to bottle up at risk of them causing further
arguments and risky and dramatic scenarios. I mean, with literally every single
girl having made at least one suicide attempt, it left me (and no doubt a lot
of others – which was probably a huge reason for their admission to the
hospital) with a concern that if I said something wrong it could be a
motivation for her to become unsafe. People in my life have often talked about
the notion of walking on egg shells around me… and from being in that hospital,
I get that.
So, blogging was a hugely positive outlet for so many reasons and
despite how important it became whilst I was in the psychiatric hospital, I
didn’t once think that it would become all that it is today – not just in terms
of popularity but honestly? I didn’t think it would even still be going today!
I mean, there was no real plan initially, but when my discharge from the
hospital began being discussed and planned, I found myself starting to consider
whether this should mean that I stop blogging since I had only started because I
was in hospital… And so, being home/closer to home (because I had to go to a
step-down placement for three months before complete freedom in the community),
surely meant that all the benefits I gained from blogging were no longer even
needed.
However, as I said earlier, when I did close the blog down in 2014,
I found myself missing – not so much a place to vent as it was during hospital –
a place to process my thoughts and feelings. I mean, I was so terrified that I’d
say something to a professional that would wind up with me being put back in
hospital and sectioned again… And blogging allowed me the opportunity to sort
of… ‘say’ all these things without that concern; and this was a huge relief and
released any pent-up emotions and thoughts that – if I hadn’t let them out in
this way – had the potential to make me implode and have a hugely unsafe
impact/consequence.
In addition to this relief, the ability to really think through (by
talking/typing about them) any confusing or contradictory thoughts and feelings,
gave me a better chance of coping more safely because I felt that I had an
improved understanding as to why I was experiencing what I was, what it mean,
and that also gave me the opportunity to have more time to recognise that I had
a set of options for ways to cope. It wasn’t just one path leading to something
unsafe.
Finally, I’ve also found that blogging has been a really huge
outlet for the creativity I seem to almost naturally have within me. In
addition to my short stories, when I was little, I remember sitting with my
Nana and cutting bits out of catalogues and then, on a piece of paper, I’d draw
a house and stick all the cut-out bits of furniture and toys in the rooms I wanted
them in. As I got older, I began drawing and in my late teens and early
twenties, I found a passion for fashion drawing in particular so I opted to
take Textiles as one of my exam subjects. Unfortunately, my teacher was full of
nothing but unconstructive criticism of my work and so I lost some confidence;
but as the years have gone by, I’ve grown to find that I genuinely feel like I can
really channel my creativity into my blog’s content now.
20
Helpful Mental Health Resources/Helplines:
(There’s actually also a Help Directory page on I’m NOT Disordered
above or here: Help
Directory | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk), but here’s EVEN
MORE additional/different resources I’ve discovered and which I believe have
the potential to be useful!)
1.
A Guide to Anxiety themed Digital Mental Health Tools: Digital
Mental Health Tools Guide (futurecarecapital.org.uk)
2.
Some useful downloadable resources from Mental Health UK: Downloadable
resources - Mental Health UK (mentalhealth-uk.org)
3.
Free mental health worksheets and handouts that are perfect for
self-help: 50
Free Mental Health Worksheets & Handouts - mind remake project
4.
Some enjoyable and educational mental health activities for
children: 15
Mental Health Activities For Children - Connect Childcare
5.
Online peer support community facilitated by Mind: Side
by Side: our online community - Mind
6.
A list of National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) recommended
contacts for help with your mental health: NIMH » Help for Mental
Illnesses (nih.gov)
7.
Mental health training programmes and courses that are both online
and face-to-face: Mental health training
online and face to face · MHFA England
8.
The UK Government’s mental health part of their Education Hub: Mental
health resources for children, students, parents, carers and school/college
staff - The Education Hub (blog.gov.uk)
9.
NHS tips to improving your mental wellbeing: Top
tips to improve your mental wellbeing - Every Mind Matters - NHS (www.nhs.uk)
10.
Information on the impact the Coronavirus Pandemic has had on
mental health: How has
coronavirus affected mental health? - BBC News
11.
Mind’s advice on self-help with your mental health: Self-care
for mental health problems - Mind
12.
A Guide to Managing Your Mental Health from Harvard Business
Review: A
Guide to Managing Your Mental Health (hbr.org)
13.
An NHS tool for learning more about feelings and symptoms: Feelings
and symptoms - NHS (www.nhs.uk)
14.
Mental Health Foundation’s guide to medication for your mental
health: Medication
for mental health problems
15.
An ‘Easy Read’ version of information about the Mental Health Act
1983: Mental
Health Act (easy read) - NHS (www.nhs.uk)
16.
England and Wales mental health statistics from the Office of
National Statistics: Mental
health - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)
17.
A comprehensive mental health news article from Medical News
Today: Mental
health: Definition, common disorders, early signs, and more
(medicalnewstoday.com)
18.
Stress-relieving gadgets – particularly for the studying prior to
exams: Testing
stress-relieving gadgets | Dealing with Stress | Patient
19.
An article and information on mental health according to/from the
BBC: What is mental
health? - BBC News
20.
Help and support information for National Alliance on Mental
Illness (NAM): NAMI HelpLine | NAMI: National
Alliance on Mental Illness
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