So, I have a
few really important things coming up in my life and they’ve meant that I’ve
had numerous conversations with a whole variety of people who have given a
mixed response when told that I’m making plans and putting these things into consideration
now…
When I was younger, I always felt like there was a plan to things…
Like my Mum and I would plan what we’d do the following day – or week(!) – and I
almost knew exactly what to expect. And then the abuse happened…
In the beginning – when I first met my abuser – I expected the
complete opposite of him starting to hurt me. I had just been attacked on my
way to school and my abuser offered to be a source of support for me in
volunteering to make himself constantly available to me should I become upset
at some point during my school-day. But it was only the third time I utilised
that suggestion of support, that it turned into his opportunity to begin
hurting me.
I was caught so completely off guard by the abuse – to the point where I considered whether I’d imagined the entire thing – that I instantly began going to extreme measures to avoid spending any time alone with him. But all that initial support and kindness, and the fact he had already held the respect of so many people, meant that when it all twisted and turned into him requesting time with me, no one questioned things!
Even though the Police have labelled those early, supportive occasions
as grooming, I was completely oblivious to recognising that as some sort of
warning and being as hurt as I was with no idea it might happen? Well, I think
it’s understandable that it has led to me actually being comforted and
reassured by things some people may deem unimportant or even – for some people –
unnecessary; like having expectations, being organised, creating a plan, and
making arrangements…
That sense of relief I experienced in those things meant that it
was no real surprise for me when I found myself – two years after the abuse – planning
suicide attempts and putting thought into instances of self-harm… Some people
might think that illustrates that everything wasn’t genuine because if you
really wanted to kill yourself or self-harm, why would you plan it? Wouldn’t you
just do it?
Everyone is different though. For me, feeling suicidal was
actually really terrifying and since I couldn’t seem to change or cope in other
ways with those feelings when they were there, I was desperate for some level
of comfort and with the knowledge that organisation is soothing for me… It just
made sense that I started deciding on days when I could self-harm or attempt
suicide, began writing notes to those I knew my actions would hurt the most,
and even researched different cities and towns to run away to so that no one
would find me. I would spend hours looking at the train times and prices, using
Google street view to know which way I had to go for the local pharmacies, and
booking cheap hotels.
I remember one Psychiatrist in a distant A&E saying, “if you
put half as much effort as you do into running away, into your recovery, you’d
be sorted by now!” Firstly, as if it was that simple! But secondly, he was so
right! That comment has stuck with me all these years, and it’s actually something
I’ve thought about throughout my blogging career. Firstly, when I created, I’m
NOT Disordered in 2013, and then it has continued to crop up whenever I’ve found
myself questioning how much time and effort I’ve been putting into blogging and
into creating the content. It’s been a great motivation to encourage me that if
I can put effort into ending my life, then I have the strength to put into my
recovery.
It was that realisation – and a few other instances – which led to
me cooperating and engaging in the inpatient Dialectical Behaviour Therapy
(DBT) which psychiatric hospital staff had been trying to persuade me to do for
the previous year or so! And when I finally noticed improvements in my mental
health, I listened to my Mum’s brilliant idea… From my admission to the hospital
in 2012, the recovery goal was to have my own home and my own cat. So, with the
intention of keeping my mind focused on achieving that, my Mum suggested I buy
a cat collar to hang in my hospital bedroom. Having that pink and white spotty
collar was a huge help when I experienced any thoughts or feelings which had
the potential to derail me. The collar was like a grounding tool and it really
illustrated the benefits I would get from planning my future because doing so, encouraged,
and reassured me that I actually had one (a future!).
When I first created, I’m NOT Disordered and began blogging, it
took a while before I started planning ahead with it. Since I knew by then how
helpful organisation was to my life and my mental health, a huge part of me not
using it in the beginning stages of blogging, was more about the fact that I
didn’t hold much hope or expectation that it would continue. I mean if someone
had told me then what I’m NOT Disordered would be now; I’d have laughed in
their face!
I think planning ahead came into I’m NOT Disordered when I finally
recognised the progress and increase in my readership and launched my very
first blog series – ‘The
BP Series!’ And whilst I’ve learnt a lot over these years of blogging, discovering
the pleasure and gratitude I get when a plan I’ve had for my blog is finally
executed, has been one of the bigger learning curves. I guess that not having much
faith in the potential of my blog meant that I didn’t put so much thought and
time into my content. It also meant it was kind of a shock to the system when I
saw it succeed and grow in popularity. And it was that popularity which really motivated
me to improve on the posts I created and to really commit so much more of my
time to making those improvements.
I think that in the blogging world, one of the keyways in which
your time can become consumed in terms of your content, is when you’re
publishing a series of posts – especially if that series is in collaboration
with an organisation! I believe that a reason for this, is that in creating a
series, you’re sort of making a promise to your readers. A promise that you’ll
publish so many posts over a certain amount of time and with the assurance that
they will each have a theme which will be consistent in some way. Making these commitments,
these promises, these guarantees; it’s kind of like you’re setting your own
bar. Your own standard. And in a way, putting pressure on yourself and the work
you produce, setting expectations of yourself, can sometimes be that bit harder
to cope with than when another person is pressuring you. I mean, if it comes
from another person then you can have a level of control in making decisions
around your contact and interaction with that individual. You can’t runaway
from yourself and your own mind.
So, as I’m NOT Disordered has grown, so have my own expectations
of myself and my abilities to be creative and to produce more and more original
content which I can be confident in feeling that it is unique to my blog. And I
think one of the greatest tests of my creativity – there’s been many of them in
being a blogger – has been in publishing Christmas content. This themed content
would be a prime example of me increasingly raising the bar for myself since my
very
first festive post was purely a few bits of text about what I’d done for
Christmas and some photos of my trip to a Pantomime and the obligatory photo
beside the Christmas Tree! Fast forward seven years later and Christmas 2020 entailed a
daily blog post from December 1st until Christmas Day with a common
theme of ‘recommendations.’
I’d like to think that giving you those two Christmassy instances
as examples of this work ethic, would leave you with no surprise when I tell
you that I started working on Blogmas 2021 a few weeks ago! One reason for this
is about pressure in that I’ve kind of adopted the attitude ‘go big or go home.’
So, I’m a huge supporter of going that extra mile and always trying to go one better
than the previous time. I think that building on your experiences in a way which
only leads to improvements is the real mindset behind actual productivity,
determination, and resilience. And whilst I’m not announcing the theme; productivity,
determination, and resilience are actually three things which I’m trying to really
encompass and illustrate in this year’s Blogmas! In addition to having that theme
set, I also have a logo designed with the help of Canva, and a collaboration partner for the
entire series (who will actually be announced later in August)!
Another upcoming milestone I’m in the middle of planning ahead of,
is that I’m NOT Disordered will be set to reach one million readers by the end
of 2021 (if the statistics are at least at the very minimum they’ve ever been!).
Having hosted a party when my
blog reached one hundred thousand readers in November 2015, it almost seems
inevitable and predictable for me to say I’ll be throwing another event for the
one million milestone! Since the event is invitation only, I’ll be keeping the
details private, but so far, I have a venue, a menu, party favours (currently
only 15 have been ‘put together’!), room decorations, and a few other exciting
bits which I don’t want to risk spoiling for the readers who are actually attending
the party!
I think that one of the reasons I’m enjoying planning the party is
that it’s so rewarding to be able to do something which is so positive, and
which marks such an achievement – not just for I’m NOT Disordered, but also for
myself and my mental health recovery. I feel like reaching that milestone
really says a lot about me and my mental health as well as the obvious of my
blog’s popularity. To me, it’s kind of evidence that I’m a hard worker, that I’m
committed, and that I have the potential to go so much further than even I
thought I was capable of! It’s like proof that I’m not just my diagnosis and I’m
not just another statistic as a hospital admission for self-harm or a suicide
attempt.
I’ve decided to keep the one million readers party quite ‘small’
(50 people) because my first party had 100 people there and in all honesty; a
quarter of them were just people’s plus ones and I didn’t even know their names!
I definitely don’t want that for this party. I want 50 people who have all played
a tremendous role in the growth of I’m NOT Disordered. Those people have helped
my blog with their unwavering and unconditional support in so many different
ways and so I’m looking at this party as the opportunity to thank each of them.
To tell them all that they’ve changed the journey of my blog. That they’ve
changed the journey of my life. They’ve made it better. They’ve made it so much
more enjoyable, more rewarding, happier, healthier, full of fun and excitement.
More imminent and exciting plans coming up are my trip to the Lake
District with Georgie and then my visit to Coldstream to see Lauren, Darren,
and their baby; Greylan!
After a Facebook memories notification reminded Georgie that we
hadn’t had an adventure together for a long time, we began looking at places to
stay in the Lake District! The first place we reserved ended up too expensive,
the second one… well I asked to make our visit into a collaboration and was
told ‘absolutely not!’ So, our third and final one(!), is that we’ve rented a
luxury studio apartment just ten minutes’ walk from Lake Windermere. It might
sound extravagant, but I feel like we’re both very deserving of a little break
and a bit of fancy accommodation! We’ve each been on tumultuous journeys with
our mental health – especially recently – and so it’s nice to know that we have
something to really look forward to and something which will really counteract
all the recent, difficult, and upsetting moments. And can you really put a
price on creating a memory that is really that special?
Visiting Coldstream again,
is such a perfect chance to see my best friend (Lauren) who I’ve known for the
longest time, and to spend time with the baby boy she gave birth to just a few
months ago (and to see her partner, Darren!). It might only be an hour or so
away, but going there feels like a lovely, refreshing break from home. And, I
mean, last time I went I was so nervous and anxious that I would miss my cat;
Emmy, because it would be the longest time, she has been without me; but I was
so busy and had so much fun that I didn’t have the time to be sad!
Now, I’ve had so many people label my blogging as ‘work’ in terms
of basically saying that when I’ve gone away to places – or when it’s the
weekend etc – that I shouldn’t have my laptop. I’ve always said though, that
blogging isn’t something which I resent or something which feels like a chore,
because if that was the case; I’d have quit a long time ago! I do recognise
though, that there are so many people out there who look to their job or career
as an honour, a blessing… they love what they do and they’re passionate and
dedicated to it. That’s me and my blogging. So, how could I just stop doing it
or leave it at home when I go somewhere?! For that reason, I’m not only planning
my travel and accommodation to the Lakes and Coldstream, but I’m also planning
the content about the trips for I’m NOT Disordered. I’m imagining ways in which
I can talk about an aspect of mental health in a way which I haven’t discussed
before that can be relevant for my trip and provide an opportunity to share my
photographs from it too.
Another milestone which I’m considering content for is that in
less than one month, I’ll have not self-harmed for one years – which is the
longest period of time since being discharged from the specialist hospital in
2014! My thoughts around the content for this huge achievement are that considering
it all, has led me to realising that a lot of my blog posts about the idea of ‘promoting’
something. You know, sometimes it’s an obvious promotion where I’ve
collaborated with a company and been gifted products to blog about. And
sometimes, it’s less in-your-face like trying to promote using DBT skills or –
in this case – talking about life without self-harm and encouraging and wanting
others to experience that too.
The final upcoming event which is inspiring some content for I’m
NOT Disordered is that the birth of another godchild is predicted as being at some
point in August! Now, if you’ve read my blog for a while now, you’ll know I
already have a few godchildren who I’m so completely in love with and absolutely
dote on. Before Greylan, my youngest godchild (Kasper) was three, so it’d been
a while since I’d been around a baby and as soon as Lauren told me she was
pregnant, I realised how much I’d missed that!
Unfortunately, for my first two godchildren (Jonas and Emmy) my mental health was struggling so much, and I was really unsafe which meant I was often in and out of hospitals (psychiatric and medical) and so I missed some really important milestones in their early years. I’ll always be sorry for that, but I try to find a positive and I think I’ve turned it into a huge motivation to be as involved as possible in the lives of each of my godchildren.
Large
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Baby
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Teething
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Elephant
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Ingenuity
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