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Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!
Today’s blog post is inspired by the four wooden decorative items I had made by Cleo at Phoenix Cove in memory of four pets I have lost; Saffy, Dolly, Pixie, and Emmy (you can customise – it doesn’t have to be a pet’s name – and purchase your own here). So, I thought I’d put together some little bits about each of them because I’m obviously aware that I have a significantly larger audience as the years have gone by and so, some people might not be aware of each of these pets, their stories, and their impact on my life – and on my mental health in particular…
Saffy
Her Beginning:
In Middle School, my Mum and I got Saffy; an all-black, domestic
British shorthair from a private seller whose cat had just given birth when my
Mum went into the local pet shop to ask if they knew of any available kittens. And
so, with her not being old enough to leave her Mum, my Mum and I began visiting
her every week and it was so lovely to be able to watch her grow and to see her
playing with her littermates and being washed by her Mum.
How She Was Helpful:
Almost immediately after the abuse began in 2006, I knew that
Saffy was going to be my largest support because my abuser had already thrown
very convincing threats at me, and I had instantly thought of my own downsides
and dangers in reporting him and talking to someone about it. I’m one of those
people however, who will let things build and build and build and then implode
if I’m not encouraged to talk about something straight away. And this was the
irony in my silence – I knew that, for so many very valid and genuine reasons,
I couldn’t go to the Police or tell my Mum or friends; but I also knew that if
I didn’t talk about it at all, I would completely breakdown and then everyone
would know anyway!
So, I began talking to Saffy and letting my tears pour out with my
face buried in her fur, and I was right – she was the best listener and I
honestly believe that I might not have made it through the abuse without her. I
mean, towards the end of it in 2007, I began to experience suicidal thoughts
and feelings though I believed them to be very subtle and unimportant in that
they basically meant I was debating whether I would die if I were to jump from
my abuser’s office window. So, I think that if I hadn’t had Saffy as a little
being to vent to and to talk to about the most important and life-changing
trauma I was going through on an almost daily basis, I could have very easily
tested my questioning and jumped. And despite the fact that I recognise if I
had committed suicide back then, all of the horrible things that have happened
since, wouldn’t have occurred; I’ll always be grateful to Saffy because without
those subsequent things, I wouldn’t be who I am today nor where I am today –
and for that, I’m incredibly appreciative.
Favourite Blog Post Inspired by Her:
The Importance of Pets | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
Dolly
Her Beginning:
In 2012, I made a suicide attempt that landed me on life support
in Intensive Care for the first time and when I was woken up from the
ventilator, I was admitted to a specialist psychiatric hospital over 100 miles
away from home. In the first few months, my mental health was so poorly that I
really didn’t feel homesick, miss my Mum, or even really think about the
distance between myself and Saffy! By the end of my two-and-a-half-year
admission though, I experienced how strange it felt to not have a cat around me,
and so when plans were being made for my discharge from hospital and to begin
moving into my own home, my instinctual first mission was to get a kitten! And
within a week of living in my bungalow, I bought Dolly and I very happily, realised
that she was my first pet who would be completely my responsibility and who
would 100% rely on me.
I also wrote
a blog post when I first got Dolly, which you can read here
How She Was Helpful:
Having Dolly for those first few years living back in the
community, was such a blessing for so many reasons but particularly, in terms
of helping battle the brand-new, very difficult and unbearable feelings of
loneliness that I began experiencing. When you think about it, whether I wanted
to be there or not, for over two years in the psychiatric hospital, I was
surrounded by at least fifteen other people literally 24/7. And, in my most
poorly days there I was having a person come check on me every five minutes – and
even on the best days I was still being check on hourly(!) – so I didn’t even
have a choice as to how often I interacted with those people!
Strangely, the fact that I would be losing all of this…
socialisation and company in being discharged and moving into my own home, was
something which neither I had thought about nor something that I was warned
about or provided advice on in advance. I mean, surely the mental health
professionals in the hospital would have known it’s something that an inpatient
can experience after their discharge? But it was never spoken about. It meant
that I felt fairly fortunate to have already had the plan to get Dolly straight
after moving into my home because if I hadn’t, I likely would have been out
getting a Hamster or something!
As a result of the loneliness, I sometimes felt more unsafe
because I felt that I had less motivation to stay safe… I think that if I didn’t
want to stay safe then I really needed others around me to be able to think ‘I
need to stay alive for their sake…’ And having Dolly, enabled me to be able to
do that for as long as was necessary until I developed the motivation for
myself.
Favourite Blog Post Inspired by Her:
The Dolly Appreciation Post | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
Pixie
Her Beginning:
When I moved into my home on December 1st, 2014, I rarely
experienced any hallucinations and that mostly continued until around late
summer of 2017 when I began seeing the visual hallucination of rabbits. I was
so terrified that telling anyone what was happening would mean I would be
immediately put back into the psychiatric hospital and/or my medication would
be increased or changed. So, I kept quiet until this one day when my Mum and I
were shopping in a nearby town and were passing a Pets At Home store and upon
going into it, I spontaneously decided to ask the staff if I could hold one of the
bunnies they had for sale. Out of the few they had, I chose this cute, fluffy,
lop-eared one and on holding her, I started crying as I was filled with a huge
amount of courage that motivated me to tell my Mum that the hallucinations were
back. Now, how could I not add her to my family? How could I not want to keep
her when she had made me feel so comforted, reassured, and brave just in holding
her that first time?
I also wrote
a blog post when I first got Pixie, which you can read here
How She Was Helpful:
The courage Pixie instilled in me that first time I held her was –
I like to think – a quality she continued to encourage in me for the entire
time I had her and those years got me really into the swing of continuing to
utilise it even after she had gone. And it proved to be really helpful in two
huge ways; firstly, to my mental health in that it instilled an ability in me
to speak to the psychiatric professionals about my thoughts, feelings, and
experiences and get their help and support. The second positive impact it had
for me, was in terms of my blogging career because it enabled me to be honest
and completely open in my content on, I’m NOT Disordered. In doing so, my posts
have earned me a huge audience that has in turn, enabled me to gain an enormous
number of incredible opportunities that make every single piece of effort I put
into my blog, completely worthwhile.
Favourite Blog Post Inspired by Her:
Emmy
Her Beginning:
When Dolly was put to sleep in 2018, I still had Pixie and she
seemed so lonely and was always searching around Dolly’s usual hiding and
sleeping spots in the house; and I obviously felt lost without her, so I almost
immediately made the decision to get another cat and actually added my little,
calico rescue kitten; Emmy, within a week of Dolly’s death. So many people who
had a huge variety of roles in my life and who each meant so much to me, said
it was ‘too soon’ and that I was ‘rushing it’ and avoiding my grief. However,
when Emmy was home and Pixie immediately took to her and I found my heart was
feeling a little bit less shattered, all those people actually said “I’m so
glad you didn’t listen to me!”
I also wrote
a blog post when I first got Emmy, which you can read here
How She Was Helpful:
With one of the first benefits of getting Dolly being that the notion
I was completely responsible for her was really motivational to maintaining my
safety and my mental health, it meant that when she died, I felt that I was the
only person in the world who felt the grief I felt because with Saffy, my Mum
had been there too. Having Emmy, meant a huge distraction of fun, energy,
excitement, and general liveliness from those thoughts and feelings of loneliness
and isolation. She truly kept me going.
Favourite Blog Post Inspired by Her:
A
FORTNIGHT WITH EMMY | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
