AN AMAZON UK BUNNY BIRTHDAY WISH LIST | THE ELDEST IS ALMOST FOUR!!

“The kindness one does for one animal may not change the world, but it will change the world of that one animal.”

Unknown

Now, you know that I like to try to disperse light-hearted content on my blog as a means of breaking up the very heavy and emotional posts I typically publish. Of course, this often feels like a waste of time because people likely aren’t coming to, I’m NOT Disordered for this kind of content, and I actually sometimes worry that I’ll lose readers, but from Day One my blog has been about what I benefit from writing about… My eldest pet (I have three – a second bunny and a cat too!) Luna will be FOUR YEARS OLD on October 1^st and so we sat down together (as you do!) and put together a wish list of treats and toys from Amazon UK. We thought we’d share it with you all for any fellow bunnies/bunny owners who are deserving of some lovely bits and pieces too! There are a few absolute bargains in it! Enjoy…

DEAR LUNA, HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY

Dear Luna,

I feel like the way a pet comes into your life says so much about the bond and relationship you’re going to have. It’s like a hint or a sign of what’s to come. If you find a pet as a stray or if you adopt them from a shelter or buy them from a store… The difference in a beginning can hold a lot of importance for the journey you’re going to have together. And I believe that our beginning was no different…

DAY TWENTY-THREE OF BLOGMAS UNBOXED 2023: CHRISTMAS MEMORIAL ITEMS FOR FOUR BELOVED PETS, A BIT ABOUT EACH OF THEM, & A REEL | IN COLLABORATION WITH PHOENIX COVE

PhoenixCove - Etsy UK

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https://www.tiktok.com/@phoenixcove.co

Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!

Today’s blog post is inspired by the four wooden decorative items I had made by Cleo at Phoenix Cove in memory of four pets I have lost; Saffy, Dolly, Pixie, and Emmy (you can customise – it doesn’t have to be a pet’s name – and purchase your own here). So, I thought I’d put together some little bits about each of them because I’m obviously aware that I have a significantly larger audience as the years have gone by and so, some people might not be aware of each of these pets, their stories, and their impact on my life – and on my mental health in particular…

DAY THREE OF BLOGMAS UNBOXED 2023: BUNNY GIFT GUIDE BY LUNA & GRACIE & A REEL | IN COLLABORATION WITH PHOENIX COVE

PhoenixCove - Etsy UK

https://www.instagram.com/phoenixcove.co/

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This blog post is part of the Blogmas Unboxed series of posts which is content published daily from December 1^st until the 25^th (Christmas Day) in collaboration with this year’s Blogmas partner, Phoenix Cove. Today’s post was inspired by the item from the Etsy store that I shared in yesterday’s post and is a gift guide for bunnies that I’d like to think my two mini-Lionhead bunnies; Luna and Gracie, have put together for you(!)…

BUNNY Q&A | LUNA'S ALMOST ONE!!! | IN COLLABORATION WITH AMAZON UK

Love you, I’ll be here

I will never disappear

Said forever, I swear

So I will be there

Tyler Shaw – Love You Still

Luna's Amazon Birthday Wishlist

It's Luna (my bunny)'s 1st Birthday next week, but I wanted to do something special now... So, I thought I’d turn over to you and asked you all to send in your bunny-related questions! I had vowed to answer all of them but having such a big audience now; I maybe shouldn’t have said that! So, I’ve had to pick my favourites – which was so difficult because I honestly loved them all…

Why a rabbit? And what made you pick Luna?

So, when I was little I had two rabbits – Happy and Thumper – and when they had babies myself and my family made the mistake of handling them so the Mum killed them (something which is quite well known in rabbits). This memory led professionals to believe that when I started to hallucinate rabbits years later, that was the influence.

After a lengthy (two and a half years) psychiatric hospital admission and medication, the hallucinations stopped for some time and when they came back in 2017, I was so terrified that if I told someone I’d be put back in hospital; but I knew that I needed to talk about it in order to get help. So, my Mum and I were in Pets At Home, and I had this unexpected and overwhelming idea to hold one of their rabbits. My thought behind it was that perhaps in feeling a very real bunny, in having their fur against my skin and feeling their heartbeat, maybe I’d feel some sort of courage and comfort that would leave me able to get help for the hallucinations return.

BUDGET BLOGMAS | DAY SIXTEEN: BUDGET GIFT GUIDE: PETS | IN COLLABORATION WITH PRETTY PERFECT PRODUCTS | AD

Hello and welcome to I’m NOT Disordered’s Budget Blogmas!

I’ve decided to use today to share another little gift guide with you, this time it’s for the furry friends and family members in your life! I’ve chosen to take all the items from Amazon as I felt it best catered to a range of budgets. I also chose to do a few guides so there’s one for cats, rabbits, and dogs (apologies if this misses out your pet!)…

 

Cat Tree Light Grey: £56.99

Short Hair Grooming Kit: £25.00

Ten Crinkle Balls: £7.99

Cactus Cat Scratching Post: £33.23

Radiator Bed: £13.99

 

TOP TIPS FOR COPING WITH HALLUCINATIONS | IN COLLABORATION WITH PETS AT HOME GATESHEAD | AD

https://www.instagram.com/petsathome_gateshead/

https://www.facebook.com/PetsAtHomeGateshead/

I was in the Gateshead Pets At Home store when I saw two VERY cute lionhead bunnies and I immediately felt so appreciative; because I knew that everyone could see them. It wasn’t just me. They weren’t hallucinations. I wasn’t hallucinating (for new readers, to find out more about the rabbit hallucinations, read this post). To verify this, I asked a Supervisor; Joanne, if I could hold one of their bunnies and as I stroked its fur, I told myself to take in every single hair and be grateful that I could do so. It seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve had to use my own lop-eared, Lionhead bunny; Pixie, as a grounding technique for the hallucinations so when I saw these bunnies I realized that I could still use her, but as a way to make myself more thankful and appreciative that the hallucinations have finally stopped.


It made me think about how much I wish I’d had a fellow service user give me tips on coping with hallucinations  - it was all well and good having a professional teach me healthy and safe coping strategies but how could they really understand what would work? Their advice was based on studies of how others have responded to their tips, and not their own experience. I hate the thought of others feeling this way, so I thought about what I could do to make a difference and to help stop at least one person from thinking those things… So, here’s some tips and tricks of methods I’ve used to help me cope with my hallucinations; I’m not saying they’re going to work for everyone but if one of them works for one person then writing this post was worthwhile.


(I hope that you can use these tips for all kinds of hallucinations!)

THREE WAYS TO RESIST SELF-HARM | ENGLISH HERITAGE AD

*This post is part of a partnership with English Heritage

You can buy a membership pass for free admission to all English Heritage sites across the country here: http://www.english-heritage.org.uk/join/

I wasn’t sure on the title for this post… I didn’t know whether to call it ‘commands’ or ‘urges’ but then I had a conversation with my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) about how the night times are getting tough again. Unbelievably, it seems, that I’m still surprised to hear that not everyone can hear the voices that I do. When I talked to my CPN about the feelings of self-harming or overdosing I kind of assumed that she knew those feelings were because of the hallucinations. And it wasn’t about the fact that before two weeks ago I hadn’t seen her for over a year.

HOW IT FEELS TO HEAR VOICES

‘A common form of auditory hallucination involves hearing one or more talking voices. This may be associated with psychotic disorders, and holds special significance in diagnosing these conditions.^[2] However, individuals without any psychiatric disease whatsoever may hear voices.’

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditory_hallucination

Recently I’ve been struggling so much with my mental health and a huge reason for that has been that my auditory and visual hallucinations have come back.

I feel as though I’ve been battling the visual hallucinations for a while now… I think it started last year in around May or June because I can remember finally telling someone (my Mum) about them whilst holding the Rabbit I ended up buying (Pixie!)

But the auditory hallucinations seemed to suddenly come back, and with vengeance… It was like they were angry for being gotten rid of for so long. As though they’d still always been there but I’d been ignoring them. It’s like when you fall out with someone and stop speaking to them then you finally confront them… They’d be a bit riled; to say the least! Having been gone for so long, the voices had some pent-up energy and… volume, that they needed to get out of their system.

WHY I NOW OWN THE ANIMAL I USED TO HALLUCINATE | INTRODUCING PIXIE!!!

I remember when I first experienced a visual hallucination of a rabbit as it hopped across the living room right in front of me. I took an overdose.
While I was in Hospital, I was having a Mental Capacity assessment after stating that I'd rather die than accept the life-saving treatment for the overdose and continue seeing rabbits everywhere I went - knowing believing that it could only get worse.
I remember hearing the Doctor talking to a Nurse who'd asked what his 'thoughts' were; "she's seeing a rabbit jumping around the bed! Of course she doesn't have capacity! She needs sedatives and sectioning."

FROM CELLS TO CONFERENCES | MY MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY WITH NORTHUMBRIA POLICE

'It is vital for the police to engage with representatives from all our communities. Working with Aimee has given me a clear insight into the needs and wishes of service users and how the police can best provide them with a quality of service which is both necessary and appropriate. This knowledge will then be shared with all front line officers to ensure that there is an improved understanding of how to help those who are in crisis cope with their individual circumstances and issues.

Aimee’s collaboration has been instrumental in helping to drive forward this important area of work.'

Inspector Steve Baker, Mental Health Lead, Northumbria Police

The very first time I met a Police officer, was when they sectioned me.

(s136 Mental Health Act ((MHA)) 1983)

Two of them found me in a nearby town, after having ran away from A&E to avoid life saving treatment for an overdose - my very first suicide attempt.
I heard a nurse saying 'we haven't got the staff to sit with her!' and one officer (the other was in the examination room with me) said 'don't worry, there's two Acts we can detain her under.' Then he left his colleague to stay with me, telling him 'just found out she's 18 so if she runs, it's a 136.'
Ironically, it was my policeman's first experience with section 136 too (he actually had to ask his colleague how to fill out the paperwork), I didn't know if I felt comforted knowing that I wasn't alone in this scary situation, or distressed at the thought that even a professional didn't know what was going on.
(This incidence ended with me being sectioned under section 2 of the MHA 1983)

Things have changed since then.

( I realise that's a strong statement to make and I acknowledge that some Service Users may disagree or have experienced otherwise, so I want to stress that this is based on the specific work I'm about to talk about and specifically, with Northumbria Police.)


                                                                                                     

And I've worked to help them to do so.

Crying over the person I was

                                

Those of you who have read the blog for some time, will know who Chelsea is. For those who don't, I met Chelsea in the hospital I was in when I began this blog. We quickly became best friends and because of our previous experiences, the friendship seemed incredibly important and special. 
When Chelsea was discharged from the hospital first, she had a book made up, that told the story of our friendship; from the very beginning when I was first admitted and Chelsea was allocated my 'buddy.' This meant she showed me around the ward and introduced me to the rest of the girls, as well as sticking by my side through OT groups and activities. Chelsea had used her diary, my blog, and her own memories to write the short book about our time together; including the times we'd have fun and giggles, the times that I'd be hugging and supporting her, and the times when she'd be checking my room for my hallucinated rabbits. She included photos of us, and pictures from Pinterest with lovely quotes.
Now, for some reason, one night, I decided to clean the shelf beneath the table that my bedroom TV was on and when I spotted the book, I decided to read it. I hadn't looked at it in probably almost a year. I started crying when I read some of the things I'd done etc that had given Chelsea reason to support, protect and look after me. Things like me hallucinating and being so convinced that there was evil rabbits running around my bedroom that I refused to go in until Chelsea had checked the entire room and all of the possible hiding places. There was also details of the first overdose I took whilst in that hospital and the affect it had on Chelsea. There was a lot more too, and it all made me think about the person I once was.
I was remembering being restrained in the middle of Asda, and not caring or feeling any embarrassment because I was so lost in what the voices in my head were saying. I remembered lying on the hospital bathroom floor and crying because I had nothing sharp enough to slit my throat with. I remembered all the times that I'd be in a cubicle of a public toilet, feeling so incredibly lonely and I'd swallow all these paracetamol tablets. I remembered standing on bridges and the only thing stopping me was the worry that I'd end up paralysed and not dead. I remember all those moments when I'd feel so hopeless and accepting that my life would continue in this way until I eventually killed myself.
I'm very aware that stating that I cried over me being that way, sounds very self-pitying and pathetic. But I think that in a way, it's also understandable. I am in such a good, positive, safe, and happy place (mentally and physically), that it's making me reflect a lot on those hard days. I guess I just wish that the me that I am now, could go back and reassure the old me that things would get this good. But at the same time, so many people told me, during that time, that my future was bright and I didn't believe them. I think it makes me feel lucky that I was saved so many times so that I was given the opportunity to live the way I am now, to do all of the things I'm doing, and to feel so happy, positive and safe.

How To Tell People You Hallucinate

Firstly, I just want to put it out there that I'm in no way telling you to tell anyone and everyone this very personal aspect of life. Secondly, you must be ready to tell someone, and this will take many personal, individual rational. And thirdly, the personal and individual decision of who you tell, is also something that is completely within your control and if you ever feel it is not, if you feel pressured tell a particular person, then don't. It will take a lot out of you to disclose these things and you need it to feel worthwhile after doing so. For example, if your having a mini meltdown in public and a random, Good Samaritan asks what's up, you could probably get around the incident without having to admit to hearing voices. In contrast, if you have a carer or close family member then it might help them better understand and support you if they're aware of what you're experiencing. Worthwhile.
I think the best way to explain something that few people experience is by comparing it to something others are more likely to have experienced so that they are more empathetic to your situation and how you may or may not be coping.
To explain auditory hallucinations (for me, this means voices) I have used the comparison of listening to music through headphones. The noise is coming through your ears and feels as though it's filling up your head. You can hear it but no one else can and sometimes it's so loud you worry others will hear. I experienced hearing voices for three years (six, now in total) before the visual hallucinations began, so I had a long time of professionals being unable to understand what I was going through. The main problem with this, is that when you self-harm or attempt suicide because of this thing they don't understand and have no empathy for, it's almost understandable to be met with ignorance and a bad attitude. No excuse but almost understandable.
Visual hallucinations, are something I've experienced for the past three years and I've personally found them to be something more widely comprehended because how many people do you hear saying 'oh I thought I saw something out the corner of my eye'? For many people, this is what they liken a visual hallucination to. Not those who experience such hallucinations though. Mostly those who have someone tell them they're hallucinating and they say 'oh this time I thought I saw something but looked again and there was nothing there, is it like that?' No, it is not. Imagine someone asking about your childhood and you tell them how you had a family dog and have lots of fun memories with it. Your family tell you there was never a dog. You remember playing in a paddling pool with it, taking it for muddy walks in fields... But it was never there. It's strange and at first you're confused and are desperate for proof that it hadn't been there. And then the acceptance sets in. And with the acceptance that something you thought was there, wasn't really, you begin to question all of your childhood memories. Or even the dog that you currently own, does he exist? Can everyone see him?! This, is how I'd help someone to understand a visual hallucination.
I've only experienced other hallucinations a handful of times so I can't advise on these but I hope this post might have inspired other ideas of how to help those who care understand what you're going through.

SoMe Launch | 'Ad'

I first worked with SoMe at the National Public Health Conference, if you missed the blog posts for this three day event...
This one explains the concept and method behind SoMe: http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2015/06/national-public-health-conference-pre.html
And these two posts detail days one and two of the event with photos and feedback from SoMe users and volunteer: http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2015/06/day-one-national-public-health.htm
http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2015/06/day-two-national-public-health_24.html
I immediately fell in love with the concept and had a strong belief that it would become a huge success and so, straight away, I asked the founders, Oz and Nick, if I could join the team and was taken on as their Social Media Consultant.
Time To Change funded SoMe's launch at the Imperial War Museum in London, and naturally I was invited and put up in a hotel for two nights, three days. The venue was beautiful!

We were on the roof terrace and so we all assumed this meant no ceiling, but in fact...
We started the event off with talks from the Time To Change Director: Sue Baker., Keith Winestein,  Nick Little and Oz Osborne who all spoke about the SoMe concept, social media and their appreciation for volunteers.

We were also told about the history of the building and that it had once been the notorious psychiatric hospital: Bedlam.
I then had to make a speech, I talked about how I first became involved with SoMe, my belief that social media receives a lot of negative publicity and that it is projects like SoMe that earn it positive feedback. I then explained the two hashtags we'd be using throughout the event.

So the actual event mainly consisted of our volunteers talking with professionals, who then gave comments about their chat. They often commented on what had been talked about, their thoughts on the volunteer they spoke with and what they'd learnt or taken from the conversation. 

I then typed these up so that they could be stuck to the 'Message Board' and tweeted them so that followers could see how well the event was going.

I was honoured to have the opportunity to work with my two favourite organisations and at such a wonderful venue.

"You're very unsafe at the moment"

(TW: this post discuss self-harm)

I'd been talking to the voices all day (Tuesday 21st) and finally, by night-time, they'd worn me down. They agreed that if I kept one of the voices (there are five) then the remaining four would go into each of my fingers and so, if I cut them off then I'd finally be free of them. And my head would be mine again. 

So, for four hours from midnight until 4am, I walked. I didn't know where I was going but I j knew I needed to leave my home because I was not having a repeat of all the blood through the house when I cut my shoulder a week ago. When I left my home, I had no idea where I was going but I kept walking and enjoyed being out in the dark, cool air, with no cars or people around. It was a lovely, peaceful freedom. It was an exhilarating feeling. I felt like the world was all new and untouched and I noticed things I'd never see during the day; ironic really to say you can see more in the dark! I noticed openings in hedges and undergrowth when I needed the loo and it was just amazing to have this confidence that I could do whatever I liked with no prying eyes. I could talk out loud with the voices. I could skip along with the rabbits, walk in the middle of the road, talk to the horses I passed... Fully aware I sound mentally ill right now, but I always promised to be honest with you guys... And; in all fairness, I was unwell.

I found a bench in a nearby costal town and began testing all of my sharps to see which would do the most harm. My hand and fingers were covered in scratches and bleeding a lot before I found a particularly sharp piece that slit my fore finger open. When I realised I could see the fatty tissues, I panicked and called 999. Because it was self-harm, they went on to call the police, who showed up before the ambulance. They used their first aid kit to put pressure dressings on my wounds and let me sit in their van because it was cold. They also rang the control room and told them I was bleeding profusely and there'd been a puddle of blood where I'd been sat.

While we waited for an ambulance, we realised we all knew one another from before I went to the long-term hospital. I apologised for how I had been during those days and told them that I was better and in recovery but professionals had said I was now experiencing psychosis. 

I was taught how to cope with BPD hallucinations, but not this. Hence my panic, fear and poor coping mechanisms. The trouble is, those who should be teaching and advising me on these coping strategies, have all either taken a back seat or are also panicking. My community support have always been unreliable but it's harder to deal with when I actually need more support from them than helping me do my food shop and collecting my meds. Everyone else is like "this is psychosis!!!!!" And are looking to altering my medications, maxing out what I'm already on, and thinking up ways to keep me safe. This is all well and good, but it's particularly reminiscent of the start of this entire malarkey! When I began showing symptoms of BPD and the stress-related hallucinations, I was dosed up with medication and locked in a hospital until, eventually, professionals thought 'maybe if we teach her to cope, the self-harm will reduce.' Hopefully it's just a matter of time until either I learn what works, or professionals tell me - whichever comes first! 

I'm Not Suicidal; I'm Lost

17.01.2015, 20:35

I'm miles away. But I'm not. I'm right here. And I hurt. But I'm at school and he's hurting me. And it all went so fast, sorry for both things.

This is different, I'm not suicidal but I'm lost. Stuck between times and places. And I don't belong in either of them any more. I don't know if it's my choice. All the tablets in my coat pocket say that it is.
I can't be here any longer. Ow.



Whilst doing the WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) with my therapist, we covered 'Early Warning Signs' which I've heard of before. I don't think I've ever fully understood what this meant... Until now.
Yesterday, it began with seeing things out of the corner of my eye. I know that this happens to many people, they think they see something flash past and they do a double take? That's fine, that's ok for those people. But for people who have experienced visual hallucinations; it isn't. It's a bad sign. And it's different... I see something out the corner of my eye and I do a double take, but the difference is that I then think 'the rabbits are back' (I hallucinate rabbits mostly) and panic.
So this was happening yesterday morning and through the afternoon and I kept saying to myself 'next time I go in the kitchen, I'll take my PRN meds' but I never did. I had a shower and it was like... Do you know when you're doing something on your laptop and all of a sudden someone is like '...so what do you think?' and they've been talking all that time but you've only just heard them? That's the easiest way to explain mild disassociation to those who haven't experienced it. The world goes on, things are happening, people are speaking; but you aren't aware of any of it. When I became aware, I was putting my make-up on. That sounds normal but I was staying in for the night; I didn't need to put make-up on. And I didn't know why I had, and I didn't know why, when I became aware, that I continued to do my make-up.
As the night went on, I felt impulsive. The old impulsive. I couldn't find any piece of the new Aimee to hold onto. To cling to for dear life. I kept trying; it was as though she was there - somewhere in my head and I was begging her to come forward and stop it but she stayed quiet. Watching. Challenging me. I got my hammer and hit my hand with it, trying to cause something. Anything. Any emotion other than this numb daze that I felt I was in.
Without know what I was doing or what my plan was; I found myself changing out of my pjs and stuffing my coat pockets with my phone, iPod, money, bus pass and all of my tablets. Then I left my home; avoiding Dolly so that I didn't get too upset at the thought of leaving her when I felt as unsafe as I did. I think I knew that looking at her would make it harder; in the same that in the past I had to be selfish and not think about my Mum so that it wouldn't stop me from doing what it felt like I had to do. And I think, I was worried that maybe it wouldn't stop me, and it should.
So, I walked into the town centre in the pitch black, with drunks all over the place. I sat at the bus station, waiting for the next bus to go to the place of my trauma. I didn't have a plan. I'd always liked the thought of sitting by the place and overdosing and I know I had all those pills but that wasn't the plan... At least I think it wasn't. Then, I don't know what happened, but it was like I was there. I was cold. I was waiting for a bus in the middle of the night to go somewhere I didn't want to go and where I wasn't sure what I'd do if I got there... I didn't want to do this. I wanted to be at home with Dolly, taking my PRN and snuggling up.
So, I got a taxi home and rang my Mum who talked to me while I cried, took my meds and got into bed.

♫ it hurts, that I remember every scar, and I've learnt, but living is the hardest part, I can't believe what I did for love, I can't believe what I did for us ♫

So, I've learnt that seeing things out the corner of my eye is an early warning sign and I need to take my anti-psychotic meds to nip it in the bud. I also learnt my Mum never disappoints. And, I've learnt that no matter how much of me feels and thinks like the Old Aimee, I'm not her any more. And the new Aimee will ALWAYS win.

Another Year... In Photos

To honour the two year anniversary of my admission here, I've picked out some favourite pictures from July 2013 (the one year anniversary) until now...

 

 Best Family Photo

 Best Therapy Trip (Flamingo Land)

 First Photo with the Bestie

 Best Certificate Showing Progress

 Biggest Breakthrough Moment on  Camera

 First Date with The Bestie

 Most Magical Christmas Moment

 First Visit To The Bestie's

 Best Inpatient Christmas!

 Favouritest New Person In My Life  

 Best Hug

 Saddest Professional Goodbye (my CPN)

 First Awards Attended

 Favourite 21st Birthday Celebrations

 Best Community Friend! (Sophie!)

 Biggest Educational Moment

 Cutest New Animal In My Life (Zelda)

 Most Memorable Home Leave (22nd-23rd)

 

 Favourite Cat

Funniest mile: Pink Mile  06.07.2014

 

First Walking group!

I saw this quote at a conference, it's a definition of recovery and I thought it summed up mine perfectly:
'a deeply personal, unique process of changing one’s attitudes, values, feelings, goals, skills and/or roles. It is a way of living a satisfying, hopeful, and contributing life even with limitations caused by the illness. Recovery involves the development of new meaning and purpose in one’s life as one grows beyond the catastrophic effects of mental illness'

Dear Aimee,

you know all those moments...

when your heart has hurt so much you thought it was breaking
when you've cried so much you left a puddle on the floor
when you've bled so much you felt faint
when you've drank so much you've wanted to jump
when you've swallowed so many pills you pass out
when you've felt so lonely you've found company in the voices
when you've looked at the floor and felt outnumbered by the rabbits
when you've wished it were you
when you've thought they'd be better without you
when you've wanted to die rather than hurt
when you're so confused you don't know where you are
when you've been restrained to save your life
when you've missed so many meals you've hoped you'd disappear
when you've felt so let-down you wonder why you fight it

? Yeah, those. They will be so worth it...

when you'd rather feel hurt than be numb
when you cry instead of cutting
when you no longer have to fight suicidal moments
when you drink for fun and not to forget
when you finally have peace in your head 
when your mind is only occupied by you
when the only rabbits you see are the ones that everyone else can see
when you are grateful it wasn't you
when you don't have a set amount of hours with your best-friend
when you can just 'pop in' to see your Mum
when you don't need medication to make you happy
when you want to be in the here and now
when you hold onto others to keep them in your life
when you realise that your dress size doesn't affect your happiness

Because finally you can sit there and say 'this is why.' This is why you worked so hard. This is why they all had faith in you. This is why you kept trying. This is why you didn't die when you wanted to.
And for the rest of your life (and it's going to be a long one) you will know that you have earned your place here on this earth. You worked damn hard for it and deserve to enjoy every single minute.

Love yourself,
Aimee

Today, I was flooded

[note: this post contains discussion of thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation]

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

This was a massive decision for me to return to the place where my 'trauma' took place but in the end, I knew it was the right decision. I wasn't too bothered about it at first, it wasn't my priority because my only rationale for doing it was that I didn't want to have to avoid that place when I get discharged. But then it began affecting my home leaves; being home means I am closer to the place than I am whilst in Hospital and it felt almost as though a lot of my feelings were stored up in there and that being nearer to them meant I could feel them more intensely. I found myself sitting at home with my Mum and my cat and thinking about returning to this place. Every second I'm at home and wanting to be somewhere - anywhere, else; it's a second wasted. Another deciding factor was how well I'm doing at the moment. On the one hand it made me a little hesitant because I have so much; hourly obs, all the leave I could want and good relationships with staff, the other girls and my Mum - I have a lot to lose. But then I decided it was best to do this while I have so much to lose as it means I have a greater motivation to stay safe. I also figured that it put me in the perfect position since I am mentally and emotionally stronger and therefore more likely to manage the trip just fine.
There was a few doubts in the run up to it;
17.03.2014, 22:18 - ... Tired, and there's rabbits. My head keeps trying to make plans for Friday. Oh fuck - maybe sleep will help?
18.03.2014, 21:57 - Something is telling me to go to _________ because it's something I'd want to do before I died. Annie says once I've done it, we have to start planning. I hate this - I don't want to overdose ever again. Praying the _________ does the opposite and give me motivation to keep trying and fighting.
20.03.2014, 22:21 - A phone call with my Mum has renewed my fight! This bloody ____________ will NOT kill me!

I talked to Chelsea (my best-friend) last night and she was asking me how I honestly felt so I told her that a big part of me is excited to do it because it feels it'll propel me forwards. And a small, bad part of me wants to do it so that I can die in peace. I told her though that the small part had no chance of winning and that I don't want to overdose or die. She told me she was amazed and that it was the first time I'd said such a thing; I told her it's the first time it's been true.
I woke up this morning a little earlier than usual because I'd had an early night. I felt the sort of anxious, nervous nausea feeling I get when I'm planning an overdose so I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't running away. All of the girls on the ward were really lovely and supportive. I went in the car up to this place with my Named Nurse, an NA and my Ward Doctor. At first it was a little strange because obviously the Doctor never takes people out so I'd only ever spent time with her on the ward and she was the only one sat in the back with me. I thought it would be the other way round and that my Nurse would be my biggest support but I guess she doesn't know me as well as the Doctor does so it was just nice that she came along and got to experience it with me. It made me feel a little closer to her too, which is what I'm working on; our relationship being as good as mine was with my previous Named Nurse. And the Nurse cracked the awkwardness with some jokes.
The Doctor was fantastic though; she taught me a relaxation exercise as I was fidgeting and restless and when we got to the place the Nurse and NA got out of the car so we could talk in private. It was so... Strange to be at this place and under the circumstances my visit was. It felt strange to see that the place hadn't changed yet my entire life had been turned upside down. At first, the Doctor asked how I felt and I couldn't even find the words to say that I didn't know because I didn't even know if I actually didn't know! And when I started crying the Doctor was telling me that was a good sign and it's the reason we were doing this; because I'd blocked out all of my emotions regarding the 'trauma' and they had to bring me back to where it took place to make me feel them again. To remember them. So, I broke down my brick wall and let them all flood in, reminding myself that they are just emotions. There's nothing to be afraid of. Emotions are emotions; it's the reactions that can be harmful.
I know they say BPDers are famous for their frequent mood changes but the ten or twenty minutes that I spent sat outside this place... Well, I thought my head was going to explode with all of the changes in emotions.;
I felt weak.
And then I felt brave and strong.
I felt lonely.
And then I felt supported.
I felt hopeless and suicidal.
And then I felt happy and proud.
I felt angry and frustrated.
And then I felt calm and whole.
At the worst point, I was suicidal because whilst we were near the place my 'trauma' happened I saw the other person who'd been involved and I was angry that he was walking about without a care in the world. And then I got it into my head that I would never be ok with this place and everything that went on here and so I might as well die. But, I somehow managed to channel the negativity into a positive driving force. I figured that if anyone had a right to be living their lives without a care in the world it was me.
On the way back to the hospital, my emotions continued to change and the alternating numbness meant I tried to find comfort in pain; an old coping mechanism. I tried chicken scratching (when you scratch over and over at the same part of skin) but the Doctor kept spotting and taking hold of my hand. She went to such lengths to stop me as I tried to hide it under my blanket so she kept peeking under and she kept hold of my hand for a little while. I was getting physically tired by then so I put my cushion on her lap and tried to sleep.
When I randomly started crying and tried to isolate myself from her, she took off her seatbelt so she could move nearer to me and kept reassuring me with how well I'd done and how proud she was.
It's times like this that I really wish I could name my Hospital and the staff to give them the credit they deserve but perhaps that's something to look into for when I'm discharged. Anyway, my point is how absolutely astounded I am by the lengths that this Hospital will go to to keep me alive and on the road to recovery. It amazes me that they don't seem to realise these efforts as though it's natural and every mental health professional is the same. Well, to the Hospital staff reading this blog; they are not. You're all very unique and amazing! I can't begin to explain how grateful I am for the support I received today and to have gotten it from a very busy and popular Doctor gives it that bit more significance.
Now I've been to this place, I can't wait for my next home leave as it means I won't be concerned about not making the most of it and it also means I can properly work on all of the thoughts and feelings that arise from what has happened to me and firmly plant my feet another few steps along the road of recovery.