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“We
all choose to receive love and joy at the level of our self-love and
self-esteem. So, love yourself a little harder and life will get a lot better.”
Karen
Salmansohn
Having collaborated with Cats Protection (and sometimes the Tyneside Adoption Centre specifically), I’m an avid follower of their social media (all links at the end of the post) so when I spotted their Christmas Fayre poster, I spoke with their lovely Community Fundraising Officer, and we began planning this collaboration. I pitched the idea of writing about feeling wanted due to the obvious nature and goal of the Adoption Centre in finding cats their ‘furever’ homes. Then the Fundraising Officer told me the Winter Appeal is actually about abandonment, and I loved the realisation that we’re totally on the same page! In creating that post, I came across seventeen collaboration posts I’ve done with Cats Protection since 2018 and so I wanted to also incorporate my journey with Cats Protection. So, here it is – a behind-the-scenes of all our collaborations and how my work with Cats Protection has always left me feeling wanted – as well as some super special photos from the Christmas Fayre…
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As a
result of the next blog post/collaboration, I was actually invited to have a
private tour of the Cats Protection Tyneside Adoption Centre in Gateshead!
Hearing about it, my Mum – a fellow cat-owner absolutely jumped at the chance
to come with me and having her there made the experience all the more special.
I felt absolutely honoured to be given this opportunity and it led to a lot of
thoughts around the success and achievements of my blog…
When I
first created, I’m NOT Disordered in 2013, I didn’t – not even for one second –
imagine that it would become all that it is today, nor even all that it was in
2018! I originally started blogging as a therapeutic release for me and as a
means of better connecting and communicating with my friends and family over
100 miles away from the psychiatric hospital I was sectioned to. It was never
with the aim of achieving over one million readers and having my own media
campaign (Shake My Hand) with 7 Volunteers under me!
This wasn’t meant to become my future either, I imagined maintaining it for no
longer than my admission (which ended up being two and a half years). And yes,
ending up having those things has been surreal and incredible, but it’s also
been scary and intimidating because it comes with a lot of pressure to think of
all these people reading, I’m NOT Disordered and all the expectations they have
in doing so.
So,
needless to say, I hadn’t envisioned being granted the opportunity for a
once-in-a-lifetime experience in seeing a behind-the-scenes of an Adoption
Centre of my favourite animal charity! But I think my failure to see something
like this coming or to have any expectations that I’d even reach a point in my
blogging career where I’d be offered and granted an opportunity like this; made
the experience all the more special because it was completely unexpected. So,
it felt like a massively surprising and exciting opportunity that I would never
be able to experience again, and I couldn’t wait to be able to fill my memories
of doing it with the fact my Mum was by my side – especially considering the
level of support she’s always given/shown me throughout my blogging journey. It
felt like a sort of… ‘I-owe-you-one’ in that I could grant her this wonderful
opportunity because her love and support had enabled me/my blog to reach this
point of popularity and success. A point where organisations like Cats
Protection could recognise the benefits working with me/my blog and offering me
something like this could have on their own publicity, popularity, and success.
This felt like a huge achievement – to be able to say I and I’m NOT Disordered
had that level of influence.
I
enjoyed every minute of the tour – especially meeting some of the cats(!) but
also, actually getting to see the veterinary areas – which might sound
boring(!) but which normally, only staff would be granted access. It was also
incredibly amazing to meet the very special, caring, kind, and passionate staff
who all were so invested and dedicated to their roles, the work that they did
here at the Tyneside Adoption Centre, and also to the work of Cats Protection
in general. They filled me with the notion that they were actually just like me
with my blog – they care about what they do, and they enjoy every minute of it
– even the challenging parts because they know that they bring them new
experiences and huge learning opportunities. This familiarity and sense of
common passion left me confident in choosing – or wanting – to work with Cats
Protection as a charity and I felt assured that our collaboration would be
really popular and successful – and I was right because it was close to be one
of our most popular posts with a reach of over 7,000.
Having
started creating a few sets of series for Christmas on I’m NOT Disordered since
2015; in 2018 (after the visit collaboration), I approached Cats Protection
with the idea to create a Series of festive posts with the title; ’12 Cats of
Christmas!’ With the previous Series being Christmassy Q&A’s and seeing the
popularity of that sort of layout and theme, I thought I’d keep that concept
and so I created six basic questions for cat-owners and Cats Protection, and I
worked together to collate eleven (I completed one!) owners who were willing and
able to complete the Q&A about their cat. Our cat-owners varied from one of
my best-friend’s (you can read hers here) to a Northumbria Police
Chaplain (you can read his here)! I loved the diversity with
our participants because I felt it brought a more interesting and appealing
quality to the Series collaboration – which I was right about because the
Series has a combined reach of almost 8,500!
I
really liked that my judgment here was proven to be correct; and not only
because I’m someone who just likes to be right! But also, because it really
illustrated that I have a really good sense of what my readers like to see and
read on I’m NOT Disordered, and I felt like this was a quality or a skill that
I really should have picked up by that point, because it was five years into my
blogging career! I’m definitely one of those people who sets the standards or
expectations of myself quite high – but I never think or realise that sometimes
they’re too extreme! Despite trying to recognise that though, I felt it an
understandable thought to believe that I should know what my audience/readers
want after five years of building them!
It's
something, however, that has come with time for me, and I think that’s only because
originally – when I created, I’m NOT Disordered – it wasn’t about gathering a
readership or building on it once it was established because I was only sharing
the links to my blog posts on my private Facebook account. So, I didn’t
envisage the views building to over a few hundred, really. But word-of-mouth
publicity can be hugely influential and monumental – and or at least it
certainly has been for me and my blog! And so, as my audience and views grew, I
began to take things more seriously and found myself appreciating the rise in
views and developing the want or passion to work as hard as I could to increase
them. And I was once asked why I ‘care so much about the views’ and after a lot
of thought, I thought of two reasons: The first, is that the more people my
content reaches, the higher the chance that it helps someone. The second, is
the recognition that in the blogging industry, the more readers you have; the
more opportunities you’re offered or granted, and these are things that are so
helpful for my own mental health as well as obviously providing brilliant, new,
and unique content for my readers.
So, in
taking things more seriously and developing that passion and interest in
finding ways to increase my audience, I found myself really thinking my content
through more and with a more evaluating and thoughtful eye or mindset. It’s
meant that I really think and carefully consider which content seems to do the
best and be the most popular, and then I try to balance that with which content
I enjoy creating the most and how I personally benefit from those posts too. And
so, keeping the Q&A theme seemed like a good idea and, as I said, I proved
to be popular and the fact it was in collaboration with Cats Protection proved
to be an additional benefit and attraction to the content so I think it really
helped both the charity and myself, to see that building a more long-term
relationship and connection was going to be useful and productive for both of
us.
We
actually published this piece in the middle of the 12 Cats of Christmas Series
because we agreed it would be a nice little break in between that daily
content. Years prior to this, during a daily Series, I once received a comment
from a reader saying she couldn’t ‘keep up’ with the amount of content and the
social media posts publicising, advertising, and sharing the blog content. This
one comment is feedback that’s always stayed with me – in the same way the
greatest comment I ever received has. Because I benefit from both of them
equally – you know? From the comment about keeping up, I’ve learnt from it and
hopefully what I’ve learnt has improved my blog’s content in different ways and
this might have also benefited my readers in multiple ways. And obviously, the
lovely feedback (where, after posting the ways to cope when you report abuse, a
survivor told me as a result of the post she’d gone on to report her own
experiences!) has been a massive motivator and passion-infusing comment that’s
always powered me through any challenging moments in my blogging career.
So,
that comment that’s proven to provide a learning opportunity, has helped to
influence my decisions on creating Series posts on I’m NOT Disordered. It
obviously hasn’t stopped me from posting them(!), but it’s really helped me to
make the decision on whether to do so or not. And I that this alone – pausing
to really think on it and decide instead of just going ahead on impulse and
doing it the way I want, or the way I feel is right – is progress and a step
forward. It illustrates a level of thought and care which I really hope goes on
to flow into the actual content or entire Series when it is posted.
When I
first started blogging as a sectioned (under Section 3 of the 1983 Mental
Health Act) psychiatric hospital inpatient, I put very little thought into
anything I did; never mind into I’m NOT Disordered and the content I wrote. I
acted on impulse to a degree that was so dangerous and unsafe, I’d say that it
contributed to me ending up on life support just seven months before I started
blogging. I mean, even the creation of I’m NOT Disordered was on a bit of a
whim! I had just had a really productive 1:1 with my Key Nurse and it had left
me with the really solid feeling that I was making steps forward and into
recovery and I decided I wanted a way to document that. Then, I got back to my
hospital bedroom to find my laptop sat on the bed and without literally any
thought or hesitation, I created my blog. I didn’t brainstorm the name or
having alternative ideas for it – everything just kind of ‘came to me’ and it
was like, I blinked and then I had a blog!
I think
that being a creative person probably played a huge role in how naturally
blogging has come to me, but I also believe what my Nana always said; that
everything happens for a reason. What’s meant to be will be and it will be for
a purpose and with an intention. Its impact will have a rationale, a
motivation, and a destination. When my mental health was really poorly, I
always believed that I had been put on this Earth to kill myself at a young age
so as to publicise the failures of mental health services. I couldn’t see any
other reason to be alive…And then I started blogging! And my blog took off in
both general success and popularity! And just like that, I have found a
purpose. A purpose not only to be alive, but also a reason why I survived all
those moments I didn’t want to. All those moments I tried not to. And, in all
honesty, it’s collaborations like this repeat visit to Cats Protection Tyneside
Adoption Centre, where I get to experience things not many others do and where
I get to meet very special and important people who it’s an honour to spend
time in a room with, where I feel grateful to be alive.
LOYALTY
IN COLLABORATIONS | CATS PROTECTION EASTER EVENT | I'm NOT Disordered
I think
that this post really illustrates a huge quality of me/my blog/my blogging mindset
and method of working because it’s basically a post where I took an event (the
Cats Protection Tyneside Adoption Centre’s 2019 Easter Event), and somehow
managed to relate it to a really important and meaningful topic – being loyal!
It’s reminiscent of an event I attended about Coal Mining, and I had to seriously
wrack my brains to consider how to make that topic and the nature of the event
actually relevant to becoming content on a mental health blog!
So, in
this post, I touched on the fact that I had recently to it been treated poorly
by my local Police Force and that there had been a suicide in one of the
hospitals owned by the private healthcare company who owned the psychiatric
hospital I had been in for over two and a half years. I mentioned that these
instances had left me considering distancing I’m NOT Disordered from the two
organisations because I didn’t want their behaviours, attitudes, and failures
to impact and influence my blog’s own reputation and popularity. I had to
really think through whether that was a selfish move and whether I needed to be
focusing on the typical popularity of the content I produced in collaboration
with those two organisations. But – as I said in this collaboration piece – did
I really want to associate my blog with organisations that could potentially be
controversial?
I
honestly felt though, that I should really consider the shame I might feel in
working to really promote the two organisations because at that point (2019) my
blog’s audience was really building and collaborating organisations were
deeming working with me and I’m NOT Disordered to be an actual publicity
opportunity! And did I want to be considered a helpful contribution to them
becoming more widely recognised? What if people went to these organisations –
because I had collaborated with them – and had a poor experience too? Wouldn’t
I feel to blame? Wouldn’t I – and my blog – be somewhat responsible for that?
And, in a way, my loyalty was still illustrated with this, because I have
maintained that distance from those two organisations and have remained loyal
to this decision in 2019!
Now,
something that’s difficult here is that in my content being centred around
mental health, this obviously means that my collaboration partners are
typically also usually specialised at working in the mental health industry.
And I’m not an idiot; I know that two people can have an interaction of a
similar nature with an organisation, but they can have completely different
experiences with completely different impacts and results. So, I could
bad-mouth one organisation that someone might have actually found lifesaving –
or vice versa. There are times when my local Police force was lifesaving for
me, and times when I sang their praises – despite regularly receiving messages
from readers who had the exact opposite experience with them. And it’s hard,
but you have to remain balanced in recognising this inequality and opportunity
for contradictory impacts whilst also doing all that you can to support and
respect those who have positively changed and been of benefit to your life.
Really, that’s what mental health and learning therapeutic coping skills is all
about; figuring out what works for you and appreciating that it might not work
for others, but doing so without any judgment, stigma, or discrimination.
Now, to
talk about loyalty in blogging; I’d like to think that six years with seventeen
blog posts shows I’m dedicated and completely supportive of Cats Protection,
everything they are, all that they do, and everything they stand for.
The
photos in this post and inspiration for it, came from the Adoption Centre’s
2019 Summer Fayre, when I ended up almost immediately, after arriving, talking
to a complete stranger about I’m NOT Disordered and then mental health
specifically. Someone asked me where I got the confidence from to do that and
boom! The title for the blog post was born! And it proved to be a good topic
because this was actually the most popular of our collaborations with just over
80,000 independent, post-specific views!
In this
post, I talked about a few examples of me doing some public speaking and
there’s one in particular that I always go back to when I’m talking to anyone
about giving speeches or having confidence. It was my very first speech and it
was at a Time To Change Storycamp event in London in September 2015! I think
that at the time, I paid no mind to the fact that as well as being my first
speech, it was in London, and for – at the time – a hugely influential
organisation! And I was the closing speaker for the entire event! So, I
remember calling my Mum when I was in the little foyer bit and everyone was
talking to each other and I was just stood there; a jittery, nauseous mess! And
my Mum gave me one of the greatest and biggest pep talks I think I’ve ever had
from her! Before I knew it, I was in the auditorium giving the speech from a
podium with my notes on my iPad and someone in the audience taking photos and
video so I could show my Mum the result of her motivational talk!
I’ve
never looked back! I’d say I’ve made maybe twenty or thirty – maybe even forty!
– solo speeches and presentations since then and I feel like, each time, I’ve become
more and more confident. And it’s also been one reason why I’ve then found the
confidence to talk to random people about my blog too. Another reason though,
has been the thought that my content can help people and that’s obviously
something I strive to do when I create blog posts. Knowing I am helping others
is driven by that comment I talked about where the reader said she’d reported
her own experiences – one thing I didn’t mention when I talked about it earlier
was that the person she reported was actually imprisoned! So, she – and I –
could have potentially gone on to have saved a lot more people from that person
too! Because once they get away with it on one occasion, why not do it again?
Where’s the deterrent?
I think
that this has been the most influential feedback I’ve received, but another was
more recent and from a reader saying that one of my posts about Dialectical
Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – which I’d had for over two years whilst in the
psychiatric hospital – had inspired her to seek out Psychologists who
facilitated that in her own locality too. She ended up requesting a referral
and said she’d finally just started it and was already finding it really
helpful. She said something I’d both thought and felt in doing DBT too – that it
sometimes makes you feel a bit stupid to learn these coping skills that you
feel maybe you should have thought of yourself because they’re quite simple and
make a lot of sense. But I told her what people have told me – and what I have
ended up having to tell myself – if it were that easy, DBT wouldn’t exist. We
aren’t the only people who didn’t think of these skills, and would we call
others stupid? No! Then why are you?
It's
also no secret that mental illness can be – in fact, most of the time it is! –
invisible and so, who am I to judge whether someone I’m talking to will or
won’t benefit from my blog’s content. And so, I tell everyone! You also don’t know
whether that person you’re talking to knows someone who would find my posts
helpful and useful.
Finally,
my other motivation to be confident is the thought of the opportunities and
experiences my blog and its popularity has brought me. Now, I worried that this
might sound selfish and materialistic but I’m a huge believer that you
shouldn’t judge someone for what they find helpful for their mental health.
Whatever benefits them shouldn’t define them and become the absolute summary of
who that person is. And so, for me, I find the opportunities I’m offered by
other organisations to be really nice for my mental health and this is mostly
because they usually make me grateful to be alive and I find myself feeling
really appreciative of the fact that my life has been saved. Now, for me, a
feeling and thought like that – something that makes me happy to be alive – can
sometimes feel few and far between and this makes them so much more important
and special. So, when I’m gifted a voucher to buy bits for my pets – I have
been this year from a store – or offered the chance to have a tour of a cat
Adoption Centre that not many people get to experience(!), I feel lucky and
thankful for my life and grateful to those who have literally helped to save
it.
This is
one of the posts I was dreading – there’s two more coming up too! – because the
two worst (and, in my opinion, the only bad things!) about having a pet are when
they’re poorly and when they pass away. They’re the hardest parts and they’re
parts that – I think – if you really focus on them and really consider them in
your decision to get a pet, they might actually fully stop you from adding one
to the family/home. And this might be especially true where you already have
mental health problems because it can leave you feeling nervous and anxious at
the thought that losing a pet you’ve likely absolutely fallen head-of-heels in
love with, will be a monumental, negative impact on your perhaps, already
vulnerable mental health.
It’s
something which I’ve always very obviously been aware of, but in deciding to
get a new pet, I’ve never thought about it or let the thought of it cloud my
decision in any way. Even when I lost my first cat; Dolly and got my rescue
calico; Emmy within days, I didn’t focus on or think about the very recent
heartache. Which ended up being a bit stupid, because my next pet loss of my
first bunny; Pixie, hit my mental health a lot and in a much more unsafe way. In
that happening though, I recognised that I’m likely not the only person to have
struggled in that way with the loss of a pet and that really helped to be one inspiration
for this blog post in collaboration with Cats Protection.
The
other inspiration for the post though, was that the charity was launching a new
Campaign called, More Than Just A Cat. The thought process and the sentiment
behind the title of the Campaign is something which means a lot to me because
there have been so many times in my life where people have made a snotty
comment when I’ve said something about one of my pets that’s been along the
lines of “they’re just an animal” or “it’s not your child!” On the death of my
first rabbit, I actually wrote a blog post about the comments made in the
aftermath of her death and they included ones that one my neighbour’s made about
getting her oven heated up and “the pot ready.” And, admittedly, I do think
that bunnies are the pets who are most misunderstood and underestimated, but
cats can be too(!) because comments like that aren’t always about the species.
They typically come from someone who has either never had a pet, or who
generally isn’t an animal-lover.
So,
some of the trickiest elements to having a poorly pet and the reasons why it
can affect your mental health, are – I think – the frustration that you can’t
explain to them you’re trying to get them help when you attempt to take them to
the Vets. They don’t understand that and, half the time, I swear that cats
think they’re being punished when they’re put in a carrier! I also wish I could
explain that the Vets isn’t supposed to be a scary place – it’s meant to be
safe and helpful. And I think it’s upsetting to think about this because it’s
kind of reminiscent of healthcare for humans too – especially mental health
services! We often feel scared to reach out, reluctant to go to hospital or to an
appointment, and we’re often wary of the professionals who don’t always feel or
seem helpful – especially not at first.
Another
aspect of having a poorly pet that affects your mental health can be feelings
of inadequacy and that you’re useless or haven’t been a good enough owner
because they’ve still gotten poorly. This is an emotion or thought process that
I struggle with for a lot of things in my life – being a Daughter, a
best-friend, with my blog, the Shake My Hand Campaign… I often feel inadequate
with these things and in a way, this has turned into a good thing because it’s
given my ample opportunity to learn how to cope and manage these thoughts and
feelings. When it comes to my pets though, sometimes things can feel different
– like the rulebook has changed. Like, no matter what I know, or what I have
learnt over the years, none of that matters or applies when it comes to my
pets! Nothing else matters when a pet is poorly. Recently, it’s actually
something I’ve had to contend with for my maine coon/rag doll mix; Ruby, being
poorly and I was talking to my Mum earlier today about how I feel that I’ve
held in a lot of tears about it because I haven’t wanted to upset or distress
her even more. This is no disrespect to any of my pets (especially not the two
bunnies I also have), but Ruby and I seem to have a connection I’ve never experienced,
and she shows an attachment to me that I’ve never felt or seen from any other
pet. So, she can seriously detect (something non-pet lovers would likely laugh
at!) when I’m struggling, and so I’ve held in my upset and worry and now that
she’s on her medication, the tears are coming out all over the place and for no
real reason!
This
collaboration was again, inspired by the More Than Just A Cat Campaign and at
this point – four years into my blogging career – I had learnt that posts with
titles similar to – or with a similar feeling to – ‘Everything You Need To
Know…’ typically prove to be really popular. I think that readers like the idea
that they can get find everything in the one blog post. I mean, so many online
influencers have numerous accounts all over the internet and not just the
stereotypical social media ones, but also accounts on different apps like Depop
and other sites allowing influencers to receive commission for the sale of
items they advertise.
So,
with all these accounts and pages on different apps and sites, it can be tricky
– as a reader or follower – to get all the information or content
about/relevant to the one subject, project, or Campaign at once. It’s like you
get a bit there and a bit here, a video there, and then a photo over here. It’s
difficult to pair things up and to get a clear understanding and appreciation
of how much time and effort has likely gone into creating the entirety of the
content because it’s so mismatched and drip-fed. Sometimes though, this is a
marketing strategy and a means of providing varied content on platforms where some
content is more apt than others e.g. a tweet is typically a bit of text and a
gif or photo, whereas on Instagram, you get reels and short vlogs. And it can
be a method of ensuring that no matter which platform a person is following you
on, they’re getting content of the same theme or related to the same Campaign
and topic etc.
In
creating this post in collaboration with Cats Protection, I found it to be an
opportunity to put all my thoughts on mental health and pets in the one piece. And,
do you know, it’s not just about the readers finding it appealing and favourable;
it’s also so much easier for me to know that all my thoughts and ideas are in
one place so that if I want to write a blog post on that topic, I can just
check through this one post to remind myself of what I’ve already talked about.
In creating new content, I’m a huge advocate for maintaining the fact that my
blog was created to benefit me and it’s something I turn to frequently at this
time of year in particular because I really enjoy putting Gift Guides together,
but I recognise that I’m not amazing at doing them and that it’s not the type
of content readers come to I’m NOT Disordered to see. However, a huge ethos I
feel I have around my blogging is remaining grounded in sticking to and
maintaining the fundamental components that are the elements which have contributed
to be the original reasons why my blog has earned its recognition, popularity,
success, and its standing in the industry today. And with one of these
fundamental qualities being that creating my blog’s content helped my mental
health, I’m eager and passionate about doing all that I can to sustain that and
– where possible/practical – even enhance it in whatever way I can.
The
difficult thing with this collaboration post – and there’s been others like it
– though, was that yes, I benefited from it by putting a lot of thoughts and
ideas into the one post, but I also had to really ensure that Cats Protection
were benefiting in some way too. It’s important, in collaborations, to find
that balance between creating content that is good for their marketing,
publicity, and that achieves any other reasons why they wanted to work with
you/your blog, whilst also making sure that you are actually enjoying doing it
too. And I think that this is a huge tell-tale sign that you’ve got a good
collaboration partner – when the content you create is beneficial for both you
and the partner. It illustrates that you have some common-ground, and this can
be really crucial in showing that the collaboration is about more than
publicity and improving your blog’s reach. It brings an element and quality of being
genuinely passionate and dedicated to the collaboration, topic, and/or cause.
So, I sincerely hope that this is something which shines through in my content
with Cats Protection.
I want
all of the collaborations with Cats Protection to be regarded highly and to be
considered equally important and special, but this post? Well, how can I not
rank it a little bit higher?! I mean, it wasn’t just a blog post – it was an
entire experience. A very special and one-of-a-kind experience that I was
honoured and privileged to have been granted. Because it wasn’t solely about
Cats Protection – this post was actually also in collaboration with the Travel
Company; LNER (London North Easter Railway) who gifted a best-friend and I first-class
train tickets to travel from home (Newcastle) to London for the Cats Protection
event. In all honesty, the entire thing was a bit of a dream come true for me…
When I
first started blogging in 2013, there was a girl called Zoe Sugg who had recently
created the blog and YouTube Channel; Zoella and she and a small group of other
YouTubers were becoming more and more popular and influential. And their collaborations
and statistics were leading to Zoe having numerous media
appearances/opportunities and so I began following her journey and watched her
go from vlogging in her parents’ home with Primark hauls to having her own huge
flat in Brighton and her dream pets of Guinea Pigs to now having an enormous
home with Alfie (another YouTuber) and their two daughters. So, she was my
first inspiration in the blogging world, but after a few years, she seemed to
be in a really good position in terms of having products in her own Zoella
branding, and began taking a step back from posting on social media and on her
YouTube so much, so I felt myself searching for another inspiration…
I wish
I could remember exactly how I happened across Victoria Magrath and her blog
and YouTube channel; inthefrow, but I do remember seeing her in a video of
Zoe’s at a Christmas party with the company who managed them both at the time. It
turned out that Victoria actually started blogging the same year I did and so
whilst the size of our audiences is dramatically different, I kind of felt like
we were on a similar journey at a similar time. As her readers have increased
though, I’ve seen her have so many opportunities similar to my experiences in
this Cats Protection blog post – travelling first class with complimentary
train tickets to attend a premiere in London! And so, getting to do those
things gave me this huge impression and sensation that I had ‘made it!’ That I
was succeeding at this blogging malarkey and that I was actually getting
somewhere with it. That I was improving and on the right track to building on
my blog’s opportunities and popularity. It was reassuring and validating – and
we all know how much my mental health benefits from validation!
It
might strike some of you as odd because of how often or how much I celebrate
and mark reader milestones or other achievements in my blogging career, but
when I first started out (and sometimes I still have moments now); I actually
had very poor self-confidence and self-worth, so I often found myself doubting
both my abilities/capabilities and my blog’s strength and potential. In
fairness, this is probably one reason why I celebrate the moments of success so
much is because they’re often so pleasantly surprising and surreal for me when
they do happen because even when my confidence levels are good and high, I
would have never imagine being on the way to two million readers! And it’s that
small confidence that made the collaboration post so impressive for me(!)
because I didn’t think that mixture of achievements (the complimentary
first-class tickets and the event invitation) would ever happen to me/I’m NOT
Disordered!
You know, I talked about loyalty in collaborations in that previous post with Cats Protection in April 2019, and this instance is just one brilliant example of why I stay loyal to organisations who I work with. It’s about more than helping me to attract new readers, it’s even about more than serving as a publicity opportunity for them; it’s about making the world – for me, for the organisation, for the cause of the organisation – a better place by working together. And that experience with the train tickets and the event? Well, that fast became something I thought of when I would still feel suicidal – for whatever reason – and needed to think of reasons why I should be alive and reminders of why I do usually want to be alive. And I don’t care all that much if that makes me sound superficial and materialistic because hopefully those who know me will know that I also have a ton of not-so literal reasons to be alive. But experiences like that are so motivational, positive, and leave me feeling really productive, excited, and happy; and sometimes; you need more instances like that. And sometimes, those instances are hard to come by when you work in the online industry and seem to regularly feel overwhelmed by rejections, trolling, or just purely hard, time-consuming, and stressful work. So, when I do have an experience like that; I cling to it for dear life and I remain loyal to all those who may have contributed and helped to make it happen (including LNER!).
This
post came in the midst of my first, full Blogmas series. So, in my following of
Zoe Sugg and other YouTubers, they created a series called ‘Vlogmas’ where they
would ‘vlog’ (video blog) each day of December right from December 1st
until Christmas Day. Sometimes there would be a concentration on festive
activities, gift shopping, decorating the home and Christmas Tree, wrapping
presents, parties and events etc., but they also vlogged just normal days
working at home or out with friends. It was just a good way of feeling like you
could get to know the person behind the camera and with some of the content
ending up being festive – especially Zoe’s Vlogmas’ – it was a good motivation
and reason to start feeling festive! Having attempted to maintain a YouTube
channel in that way and quickly realising that I’m a lot more talented and
qualified to write and have little to no knowledge of editing videos and
things, I turned back to I’m NOT Disordered really fast! And so, after the 12
Cats of Christmas in 2018 and a few festive series in the three years before
that, I finally decided to go ‘all out’ and create an entire, twenty-five-day
series for Christmas 2019!
I
recognise how this might sound, but it was actually quite a scary concept
because it was a huge commitment to create that much content in just
twenty-five days. I also felt – or was aware of – a certain amount of pressure
or expectation that readers might have developed or built over the course of
the previous few years of the shorter series. However, if there’s something I’m
not; it’s a coward. I don’t shrink with worry and stress at the thought of
people’s expectations, impressions, thoughts, and opinions of my content/my
blog. Perhaps a long time ago – like, back when I started blogging(!) but not
all these years later! However, I was still grateful for Cats Protection’s
support of the Blogmas series by helping provide me with content in inviting me
to another little event at their Tyneside Adoption Centre.
In
deciding to add the event to Blogmas, I got a bit creative and decided to use
the event as inspiration to write about impulsivity, how it’s a symptom of my
original diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), how it presents in
me, ways to cope with it etc. The idea to make that the topic for the post came
from the fact that in Reception at the Tyneside Adoption Centre, there’s a
little shop with cat toys, merchandise with cats and the charity logo on etc.
and so much more! And I decided to purchase a gift for each of the cats and was
lucky enough to meet as many as was practical to see them receive their toy. It
was such a lovely experience, I felt really honoured and lucky to have been
able to do it, but I recognise the impulsive quality to the decision to do it
too. I also, took inspiration from the fact that I fell in love with one of the
cats and had a seriously massive struggle to stop myself from taking her home
with me!
This –
using something that might arguably be removed from the theme of what I
actually end up writing about – is something that I’d like to think that myself
and I’m NOT Disordered are well-known for. That we’re both recognised as having
this quality and the skill – if I do say so myself! – to be able to do this! I
really like the idea that it means my content isn’t always what you think it
will be, the only real difficulty I have in doing this, is the title. It’s why
my blog post titles end up being quite lengthy a lot of the time is because I’m
often trying to include the title of an event, but also, the topic it’s
actually inspired me to write about in the post.
It’s
important to capture both so that you know you’re attracting the most apt
audience. If you just have the title of the event, then some might pass it by
in thinking it’ll just be a review and some photos of the event, how it went,
what happened, etc. But, including the theme of it or the topic it inspired you
to talk about in the blog post, you can ensure that you attract readers who are
interested in reading about that sort of thing too. Either way – whichever
audience you miss out by only having half a title – you’ll find one lot
unhappy! And maybe both lots! One side for feeling that the title didn’t really
sum-up the entirety of the content, and labelling it click-bait, and the other
for feeling that they missed out on reading it because the title didn’t
effectively and efficiently include everything. You should have seen the
difficulty I had with the title of this actual blog post too! The number of
times I changed it and then subsequently had to edit the Canva collage with the
title on it, was ridiculous!
In our
first collaboration of 2020, I was obviously inspired by Valentines Day in
contacting Cats Protection and suggesting this hashtag (#ILoveMyCatMoreThan) to
provide a thought and idea for the nature of the actual content. So, in the
post I did a brief chat about the pressure of Valentines and how seriously it’s
taken by so many people – with some even choosing to use it as motivation and a
whole mood to propose to their partner! – and that can sometimes make things
competitive too! So, I thought that including our cats in this way sort of took
some of that away from it; and made it fun again. Fun and light-hearted – two
aspects that I personally like to have in a romantic relationship.
One
worry I had in doing this post though, was getting people to join in! Luckily,
I was wrong to have been nervous because I managed to get eight to feature in
the actual post and then a good few hundred actually used the hashtag on
Twitter to participate and interact in the actual standard I wanted to set and
the trend I wanted to start. It was lovely to see. It really illustrated the
power of the online world and obviously, of social media in particular.
You
know, social media gets so much stick a whole ton of the time with people – and
the media – often talking about cases of trolling and online bullying leading
to someone taking their own life in a suicide attempt. Now, don’t get me wrong;
these instances are absolutely even more than deserving of everyone’s
attention! They are absolutely worthy of being talked about, focused on, of
being a factor in decisions made around social media and the online world in
general. Like, if you’re debating letting your teenager have access to social
media, thinking about online bullying and the impact it might have on their
safety and mental health in particular is completely important and – in my
opinion, at least – an essential element to include in a debate around that.
I have
one huge thought and thing that I say a lot when people speak about the pros
and cons of social media and the digital world and that’s the fact that I
believe that the internet is absolutely what you make of it. If you sit and
Google ‘methods of self-harm’ then you’re going to find websites and pages and
pages of content. If, however, you search for ‘mental health recovery tools’
you’ll find realms and realms of information, tips, and advice on that too! And
if you think I’m supporting the internet because I have no terrible
experiences, then you’re wrong – when I was a teenager, I was bullied a lot
online and via MSN Messenger (hopefully someone else remembers that because I
feel like I’m showing my age here!) and it really contributed to when I began
engaging in what was clinically referred to as ‘minor, superficial self-harm.’
I’d agree with that summary of it, completely; but I don’t want that to make
the whole thing seem insignificant and unimportant because of the wording used
and your interpretation, definition, and understanding of the words ‘minor’ and
‘superficial’ in particular.
Just
over one year after creating I’m NOT Disordered in 2013; I received a few
horrible comments on my blog posts – back when the comments feature was enabled!
One was on a blog post about World Suicide Prevention Day where I’d talked
about my attempts and was wished ‘luck’ with my ‘next one!’ Another berated me
for ranting and moaning about the psychiatric hospital staff of the ward I had
been a sectioned inpatient on for over two years at that point. Now, the
suicide comment; things like that should never be said because you don’t know
how close someone is to something and that it might take your one comment
online to ‘push’ someone ‘over the edge.’ You have no idea how influential and
damaging your words might be to a complete stranger. The comments about the
staff; this person was sort of ‘defending’ them and saying I should respect
them and appreciate them more, but that person hadn’t been with these people
24/7 for over two years! They weren’t intimate with the absolutely just plain
wrong ways we (the inpatients) were sometimes treat. The things that were said…
I mean, I’ll be the first to say that the staff on that ward were, at the time,
still absolutely huge improvements on literally almost all of the professionals
of the NHS mental health Trust back home! They were specifically trained in
helping and supporting someone with a diagnosis of a Personality Disorder
because that’s what the ward specialised in (that’s the whole reason why I was
even there – for the specialist care and treatment!) so it was understandable
and really expected that they would be better placed and informed in the care
they were delivering and providing. But they were still human, and they still
made mistakes. Sometimes, big ones. And why shouldn’t I acknowledge that? Why
shouldn’t I use this platform (my blog) that I created to vent and rant about
my experiences in order to better cope with the thoughts and feelings that
these poor experiences were encouraging me to have/go through.
Anyway,
perhaps it’s needless to say; but I ended up quitting my blog for a number of
months until I ended up finally recognising just how much I missed blogging and
how much I needed it in my life and for my mental health. I figured out that
the benefits I received from it were so much more important and held such a
larger priority than caring and thinking about those two comments. Comments
which, I could just delete (except for the suicide one – that one was reported
to the Police), and then block the accounts of the people who’d posted them. Ironically,
after posting a piece about the comments, the one who wrote the suicide one
deleted it, and the girl who’d posted the other comment sent an apology and
took hers down too. That’s the power of the digital world. That’s the power of
your words in the digital world.
Now,
something I sort of mentioned it earlier in this post which I’d like to talk
more about regarding this collaboration piece with Cats Protection; was about
recognising my blog as being a publicity opportunity for organisations. Having
never started blogging for I’m NOT Disordered to become that – nor actually any
of what it is now! – I was initially a bit hesitant in recognising that my blog
could serve as a chance to earn some publicity and marketing for whatever
organisation paired with me or which was mentioned in a blog post. I really
worried it was big-headed, but the statistics don’t lie, and the four largest
benefits collaboration partners have experienced (which can be found in the
Media Kit on the Contact page):
1.
Up
to a 79% increase in donations
2.
Mentioned
products ‘sold out’ within hours
3.
Up
to 3,000+ collective increase in social media following
4.
Up
to 65% increase in website traffic
How can
I deny or be modest about those facts? Facts that the computer screen is
telling me are true! Like, they aren’t opinions or beliefs! But still, when you
have low self-confidence or self-worth – as I was also talking about earlier –
it can be difficult to recognise the truth in anything that’s complimentary or
praising of you or something you have contributed to; so to find something that
you can’t deny or diminish the significance of – something that’s literally
telling you: “girl did good!” Well, where can you go from there? How can you
not celebrate it or mark it and recognise it in some way?
So, in
acknowledging these statistics and recognising that these contribute to I’m NOT
Disordered being a good publicity opportunity, I then faced the challenge of
wondering how the heck we got to this point! I someone who likes to understand
the process and the history behind something; and I think that’s it’s a quality
that has actually come to me through doing Therapy! Because pretty much every type
of Therapy is about delving into your past to figure out why things are the way
they are now, aren’t they? And I did two and a half years of Therapy, so of
course I’m going to have adopted some of that culture and thought proc ess.
I’d
like to sum up; ‘how we got here’ with: “a heck of a lot of hard work!” I mean,
from Day One – regardless of the fact that I didn’t envision my blog becoming
what it is now, I still worked my ass off in creating content for it from the
very beginning. One thing I admittedly did struggle with back then, was the
design and layout of the blog; so, the other inpatient I was closest to who was
two doors down from me, did that bit for just less than the first year. However,
she’d been in the hospital longer than me and so almost understandably, her
discharge came up before mine and she lived a huge distance from the hospital,
so I was left not just missing my best-friend, but also thinking ‘how the heck
do I make changes to the design?’ And so, I was pretty much forced to teach myself
and after initially, having my face in the floral border at the top of the blog,
I finally created a proper logo with the blog’s title in it! Then, I made
changes to the layout and design of the rest of the blog and as I learnt more
and more about doing that, I continued to refresh it until finally, I bought a
template from Pipdig, edited the colour scheme and a couple of layout features,
and then left it as is for a little while now.
Other
hard work from Day One, has gone into collaborations because I actually took on
my first one (with YoungMinds) just over one year after I started blogging and,
at the time, I didn’t view it as being because featuring on my blog was deemed
as a publicity opportunity. Mostly because I hadn’t yet started to see I’m NOT
Disordered in as serious a light as I deem it now; it really wasn’t until that
first collaboration that something clicked. The thought that blogging was about
to become my future. The thought that I had found a purpose, an interest, a
passion, and something to be dedicated to. What had started out as a therapeutic
activity in my spare time, was fast turning into a career and, with that first
collaboration, I was just starting to find my real keen dedication for the communications
and marketing industry on a professional level. A level which has really helped
me to recognise and celebrate my blogging being thought of as a publicity opportunity
for hugely important organisations.
These are the other two
posts that I mentioned dreading earlier – I dreaded them so much that I thought
I’d get talking about them over with as soon as possible by throwing them into
the same little bit and writing about them at the same time!
Now, if
there was ever a collaboration post that makes me think about the concept of
feeling wanted, it’s these two. I mean, I think that both really taught me the
importance of a pet feeling wanted because it was one of a few thoughts that I
found soothing when I thought about the passing of my first bunny: Pixie. Managing
my mental health after her loss was massively helped by always reminding myself
that I had done everything in my power to make sure she felt loved and wanted –
particularly in her last moments. And I’d like to think that Emmy showed Pixie
that love and want throughout her life too.
When I
was little, I had two rabbits who had babies, and we were always looking in the
nest at them; not realising that you aren’t meant to interfere with them, so
the Mum ended up killing them all. Because of that little trauma, a few years
after my mental health started to deteriorate, I began hallucinating rabbits. After
being in the psychiatric hospital for two and a half years and starting
medication and having DBT, the hallucinations went away. But, a few years
later, they came back, and I was so nervous to tell anyone because I was
worried that I’d be sectioned again and admitted back to hospital. At the same
time though, I recognised that I wouldn’t be able to get any help and support
if no one knows why I need it! So, on impulse, Mum and I were in Pets At Home
one day and I had the thought to ask the staff if I could hold one of their
rabbits. I remember choosing the brown fluffy one with lop ears and the staff said,
“she’s really flighty, she might not stay still, but I’ll try and catch her!” She
squirmed a lot, but once she was in my arms, she snuggled into my chin and
started going to sleep and I just started crying!
Holding
that bunny in my arms and feeling her little heart beat against mine and her warm
little fluffy body; I found the courage to tell my Mum that the hallucinations
were back. Then she helped me to go on to tell my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN)
so that I could get professional help and support with it too. But, once Pixie
was home, things got so much better because having her meant that I could look at
her or touch her to tell the difference between the hallucinations and reality.
She helped me to know where I was, and that secured my safety too. And how
could I let someone have that influence on my mental health and not add them to
my life?! How could I possibly just put her back in the pen?! So, I asked them
to reserve her so that I could come back the following day when I had the money
to buy her and all the bits that she’d need e.g. the hutch and sawdust and chew
toys etc. They explained they don’t reserve them, so I had like, twenty-four
hours of panic hoping that no one else came to get her because for me, it wasn’t
really so much about getting a rabbit, it was about getting that rabbit – my Pixie!
Wanting
Pixie and feeling that I actually needed her in my life in order to stay safe
and well, meant that when she was gone; both Emmy and I were then filled with the
biggest want and need for her to come back. I talked about it in the blog post,
but for the first week, at least, Emmy walked aimlessly around the house
looking in all the places where Pixie used to sleep and where she would sometimes
just sit. Then she started meowing at the door to the room where Pixie’s hay
and sawdust used to be kept, to the point where I had to keep the door open so
that she could go in and see that it was all gone. Sort of a way to help her do
what felt impossible in recognising and accepting the loss. I think that losing
Pixie was one of those instances – of which there are a huge variety – where you
don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Of course I loved, wanted, and
appreciated Pixie, but when she was gone, I questioned whether I had shown her
that as much as it was true in my heart.
In
publishing the first of the two collaboration posts regarding Pixie’s death, I
worried that people would think I was somehow profiting from a time which
should perhaps – in the opinion of some – be kept private and personal. Or,
when you consider the second post too, like I was milking the entire loss by
putting it into numerous blog posts! However, I always remember my blog’s
beginning and the fact that it was ultimately created because I found creating
the content/writing the posts beneficial and therapeutic for my emotional
wellbeing, safety, and mental health in general. And so, writing about Pixie’s
death was really cathartic and I liked that it was a good opportunity to raise
awareness of how pets can grieve as well as the support service that Cats Protection
offer because it was like having a silver-lining come from something really sad.
In
November 2021, Cats Protection’s Media Team contacted me to ask if I would
share some of their social media posts regarding their new Campaign; Eight Precious
Weeks 5which put a focus on the importance of a cat’s first eight weeks. However,
being such a huge supporter of the organisation’s work and the theme of this Campaign,
specifically; I wanted to go one better and so I offered to write an entire
blog post to raise publicity and awareness for it.
I
really enjoyed writing this piece – of course, I enjoy creating every piece of
content I publish (well, apart from the upsetting and sad content), but I
remember really loving working on this one in particular. I think that was because
I got really creative (in my opinion!) with it… When I was little, I used to
write short stories about animals (usually Horses because I used to take Horse-Riding
lessons) going on adventures and I would do tons of arts and crafts projects
and activities with my Mum and Nana. So, I’ve really always been creative and have
always enjoyed doing things that let me express, develop, and indulge in that. I
think this is just one huge reason why I enjoy writing and blogging; because it
lets me get really ‘carried away’ with my thoughts and ideas. And, creating content
online – with the variety of programmes and their functions that are available
on technology these days – allows me the opportunity to actually really bring
these things to life. To see the visions in my mind become reality. It’s become
a craving to be honest, it’s something I need to have in my life because it
serves as a really positive outlet for a lot of things that end up contributing
to the overall state of my mental health, safety, and emotional wellbeing.
But I
think that the reason this post was more memorable in terms of enjoyment, was
because it was different to any previous pieces – like, in my entire content,
not just previous collaborations with Cats Protection! So, for the piece, what
I did was; I looked through the Cats Protection website at the Kitten Care
section and picked out a few of the categories they had pages about and put
them into order of when they become relevant in the process of getting a kitten
e.g. the decision to get one first, then the actual act of buying or adopting
one, then caring for one etc. Then, for each section, I wrote a bit about my
experiences of each of them with the cats I had had in my life (at that point; Saffy
– the family cat, Dolly, and then the cat I had at the time; Emmy). I then included
the link to each of the pages on the Cats Protection website which were relevant
to each section and then, for some of the sections, I wrote bits of advice
which were more centred around your mental health in each of these stages e.g. for
the stage about deciding to get a kitten, I did five tips on coping with
decision-making and for the section on kitten care, I included tips on coping
with responsibility. I also added photos of me and my cats, and actual snippets
from the mentioned and referenced pages of the Cats Protection website.
It felt
like a real mash of thoughts and information that I had tried to convey in
different formats so that the piece felt a bit more ‘alive’ and interactive
than if it had just been paragraphs and paragraphs of text – pretty much like this
piece! Having that quality, I felt, also meant the post would appeal to more
people because it incorporated content in different ways and you’ll get some
readers who would rather see imagery, some who might prefer a quick little sort
of list and bullet-point piece, some who like to have links to click on to lead
them to more intensive and detailed information on parts they find most
interesting, exciting, and which they are more passionate about.
This
collaboration piece was a difficult one – which might be surprising because it’s
about a fairly light topic with a lovely title and not bunged down in mental illness
and suicidal thoughts. The difficulty, however, stemmed from my uncertainty on
giving advice. And this is something I’ve struggled with in different areas, subjects,
and content throughout my entire eleven – almost twelve! – year blogging career
and it’s because I have two real concerns in giving advice:
1.
It
begs me to question whether I really know what I’m talking about and to wonder
exactly what makes me think that I do.
This is
a concern which has been mitigated in some instances recently because the more milestones
and achievements that I’m NOT Disordered has reached and accomplished, the more
I’ve felt supported in the thought that perhaps I know what I’m talking about. Or
it does at least when it comes to giving advice on blogging, creating content,
and ways to cope and effectively write about mental health. I was actually at a
meal recently and I’m NOT Disordered had reached 1.7 million readers whilst we
were at this pub, and I told the lovely Waiter and he says, “you must be doing
something right!” And that’s how I feel when I think about where to get the
confidence from to give advice around blogging and content creation – and yes,
not everyone who views my blog will like the content (some might not even fully
read any of the posts) – but even with that in mind, there’s still a huge
number of people who probably do. I also think that it’s not so much about how
many people like the content, I think that if it helped just one person then
that would still nicely contribute to my confidence levels.
2.
What
if someone follows my advice and it doesn’t work out or it somehow makes
something even worse or harder.
One
difficulty with my relationship with mental health professionals, has stemmed
from false promises, a lack of awareness and understanding, and things leading
to me feeling like a hopeless failure; and literally all of these things come
from them giving advice. Like, sometimes you’ve given the advice with the implication
that it’s going to work. Sometimes the advice is given by someone who has no
real personal experience and therefore a limited awareness, appreciation, empathy,
and understanding of what they’re actually talking about. Finally, sometimes the
advice of mental health professionals can lead to you feeling like you’ve done
something wrong or that there’s no hope for recovery because if that advice
works for others, why isn’t it helpful or beneficial in any way for you? With
the experience of those thoughts and feelings, I’m – hopefully understandably –
apprehensive and reluctant to give advice around mental health, suicidal
thoughts, self-harm, and emotional wellbeing in general.
So,
with these experiences, concerns, and beliefs in mind; and the fact that I had
no real experience of providing personal, pet care advice (or at least not via
I’m NOT Disordered), I tried to keep things general and not too detailed in
this collaboration post for Mother’s Day. Which, I thought that the idea of
doing the ‘Mother’s of Cats’ thing was quite a creative slant on using this
National Holiday in a way that was both apt for my readers and for what I enjoyed
blogging about and creating content around. Instead, to keep the advice not too
personal and completely originally thought of by me, I scoured the Cats Protection
website and thought of the tips I gave based on specific pages on the website
and the advice that the organisation was giving too. I felt that not only did I
feel more confident doing it this way and not only did I feel that it kind of
absorbed me of responsibility if something wasn’t useful, it was also a good
way of making the piece into a true collaboration with the charity. I thought that
it really incorporated their own content and work, but I also decided to put a slight
personal slant on things by providing examples etc. of ways that their advice
and articles had been relevant and applied to my own care of the cats I’d had
in my life. I tried to make it somewhat of a happy balance.
This
Series (#HereForTheKittens) was probably my most exciting and most favourite
collaboration piece with Cats Protection because it was all about my very
special and important cat, Ruby. Now, I wanted to be careful about how I phrase
this – just as I’m careful when I’ve actually voiced it in person to my Mum – I
feel such a hugely different connection and bond to Ruby than I have literally
any – and all – other pets! I want to really stress that this absolutely doesn’t
mean that I love, appreciate, respect, and care for her any more than my other
pets – particularly the two bunnies I have right now too (Luna and Gracie).
This
special bond, was actually a strange and surprising notion that I hadn’t expected
even in the entire build-up to getting Ruby because as important and special as
she was from Day One, getting her wasn’t exactly for a special occasion –
neither was the cat before her (Emmy). I could see getting Dolly as a special occasion
because I’d just moved into my first home, and she was the first pet I’d had that
was completely my own. She felt like my recovery reward too. Like, the reason
why I’d worked so hard to get to being well and stable enough to be able to
have my own home in the community and to be off my section (I was detained
under section 3 of the 1983 Mental Health Act for the two and a half years that
I was in the specialist psychiatric hospital). I deemed Pixie as a special occasion
because the hallucinations had come back and she was probably the most helpful ‘thing’
I have ever discovered in so far as reducing the hallucinations, making them
more manageable, and making me feel I can maintain my safety despite them being
there.
Emmy,
Luna, Gracie, and Ruby; however – as wanted as they all were/are – were added
to the family because I needed them after losing both Dolly and Pixie. I wouldn’t
say they were replacements, but there was room for them in the home because I’d
lost the previous pet. So… I’m trying to be honest without sounding brutal and
unloving – I mean, anyone that knows me; even if you just know me from my
social media(!), will know how loved my pets are to me. How appreciated they
are and how very wanted and respected they are. I’m just trying to recognise
the situations in which I got them and explain that this is why I didn’t expect
to bond with Ruby in any better way than any other pet. I say ‘any better’
because I don’t think it’s necessarily a bond that is ‘more’ – in any way/by
any definition or interpretation – than any others. It’s like the quantity
of the bond is the same, but the quality of it is different. And, in all
honesty, initially; I didn’t know why it was that way because it took me a
little while to recognise that it was because she’s so attached and is, basically,
obsessed with me!
Pet
owners often talk about their pet following them around the house and going wherever
they go – there’s always photos, videos, and stories of pets following owners
to the bathroom online and on social media, isn’t there?! – but Ruby and I?
This is different. It’s like she not only follows me, but she’s connected to me
too. As if there’s this line constantly joining us to each other and that’s why
she follows me – because she can’t be without me. I mean, she’ll be cosy on the
bed sound asleep and then I get up in the sitting room and go to the bathroom
and she will come running through and sit on the bin next to the toilet whilst
I’m on it! When I shower, she sits in the bathroom by my clothes and when I
come out, she meows at me very loudly and until I stroke her! When I’m upset… I
mean, if it were possible, she would be crying her eyes out too. When we were
in the Vets not too long ago, I was a little distance from the examination
table and she was on it shaking from nerves, when the Vey left the room to get
an injection for Ruby, I moved closer to the table and Ruby immediately came
over, burrowed her head into my body, cuddled in, and stopped shaking. I always
say that I feel I have good intuition with my pets and that I get a feeling
when something’s wrong or when something is wrong, I get a feeling whether it’s
going to be really bad or not, but with Ruby? It’s so much more intense and truthful.
So much more pure, intense, and honest.
Having
this super special relationship, made me so grateful for the opportunity of
doing this Series collaboration with Cats Protection; because it meant I massively
documented and kept an intense record of Ruby’s first month by way of the blog
posts (you can read all about Week One here,
Week Two is here,
Week three: here,
and Week Four is here!),
photos, and videos (most of which also featured in the blog posts!). Having
this record and documentation of that very special first month which I thought
was absolutely vital to how our bond developed for all our future months and
years together, meant so much to me. I think it actually helped that bond
because perhaps it contributed to her feeling loved and wanted by having all
this attention, consideration, and thought. It was really lovely too; to be
able to see the difference in her, to watch her grow… To see her go from that
tiny, nervous, but still playful fluffball of a kitten, to now being a lovely –
still very fluffy! – curious, caring, and occasionally very hyper, cat! I mean,
every day I don’t think I could love her any more and then another day with her
goes by and I feel that I love her even more! I feel like every day we just solidify
our bond and relationship with our quality time cuddled up together and playing
together and so, with all of that in mind, I felt that this collaboration also
really improved and solidified my relationship and support of Cats Protection –
which, I also didn’t think could become better in any way!
This
final, most recent collaboration with Cats Protection from the beginning of
this year, felt like such a really huge piece of progress and improvement in
our work together. Firstly, because again, it was actually the organisation who
contacted me requesting the collaboration (specifically their lovely, amazing, and
kind Celebrity and Influencer Manager), but also improvements in in terms of the
content and the quality of the post too! Like, the layout, the graphics I
used/designed, the way I used subtitles… It’s a piece I was proud of and a
piece which I felt really illustrated how much my blogging skills and
experience had grown, improved, and developed since our first collaboration in
2018. One of my most favourite key skills or lessons I’d learnt in that period
of time, was the use of Canva in my content. I first heard of Canva (a programme
typically used in designing visual components in the communications and marketing
industry) in my Digital Marketing Internship in 2019 and since then, I’ve used it
numerous times and in a whole variety of different ways. And I feel like every
single time I’ve gone onto it, I’ve discovered something new or learnt a
different function! It really helps me do what I talked about earlier in indulging
in my creative side.
Another
element to this post which I really liked was how therapeutic it was for me. I
voiced earlier about always wanting to stay with the fundamental reason why I
started blogging – that it was beneficial to me – but I think that this
collaboration post is one of the largest examples of my content doing that for
me. In the post, I talked about how, in a one-year period of time (2011 – 2012),
I ran away on at least 26 occasions. And I did that because my Mum and I had
fallen out and I moved down South with my Dad and at first, I absolutely loved
it because it felt like a really big fresh start where I wasn’t being judged
and having prior actions held against me and feeling judged for old behaviours
and attitudes. So, when everything turned sour and I came back to my Mum, I
tried running away to all these different places in a desperate bid to
experience that fresh start kind of feeling again. Of course, that didn’t ever happen,
and I always ended up self-harming in some way and being chased by Police, admitted
to a hospital, and – on a few occasions – being sectioned.
Unfortunately, the fact that I did those things in all these different places, meant that I had really bad memories of cities and towns all across the country! So, after being discharged from the psychiatric hospital after my two-and-a-half-year admission, I made the conscious effort to travel to some of those same destinations and create much better, more lovely memories that brighten up my views and feelings of these places in a way that makes everything feel more positive and exciting. So that I actually now look forward to travelling in general too! And so, getting to write about these experiences and this huge change in my life and in my mindset and my mental health, was really cathartic and like I said, therapeutic. It allowed me to really process things I’d been thinking about and had only silently recognised so it was good and nice to be able to say that now other people knew about this improvement and productive change. I also hoped that in talking about this, it might fill others – who might have similar experiences, thoughts, and feelings – some hope and the thought that things can get better, and you can find a way through it all to really find a more stable, healthy, and safe footing that really contributes to the notion that you’re in recovery.
Tyneside
Adoption Centre’s Links:
Tyneside Cat Centre
(@CatsTyneside) / X
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Protection Tyneside