THE MOST TRANSPARENT BLOG POST I’VE EVER WRITTEN

“Transparency fosters a sense of trust and provides serious motivation.”

Billy Boughey

Now, I’m very uncomfortable referring to myself as an Influencer but having the number of readers that my blog has (there’s over 2.3 million of you lovely people!), the fact others have labelled me it, and that I’ve been working with the Celebrity and Influencers Relationship Manager of Cats Protection – and I’m certainly not a Celebrity! – I think it’s perhaps time I try to accept it and own it! So, in a conversation I was in recently, there was talk about the fact that so many people can form opinions of an Influencer’s life, without recognising or realising that the content they see, is what the Influencer has chosen to let you see. It’s not their entire life. Their entire story. I’d like to think my mental health blog and the content I produce on social media (particularly I’m NOT Disordered’s brand-new Instagram: @imnotdisordered) is more balanced, transparent, and honest. So, in this post, I’m going to chat through more about that conversation and the thoughts and opinions within it, my thoughts on being deemed an Influencer, why I think my content is different, a ton of transparent insight into blogging and social media. As a sort of sidenote: I’ll be creating another ‘most transparent blog post…’ about mental health soon…

FEELING WANTED IN MY JOURNEY WITH CATS PROTECTION | CATS PROTECTION’S CHRISTMAS FAYRE | IN COLLABORATION WITH CATS PROTECTION TYNESIDE ADOPTION CENTRE

“We all choose to receive love and joy at the level of our self-love and self-esteem. So, love yourself a little harder and life will get a lot better.”

Karen Salmansohn

Having collaborated with Cats Protection (and sometimes the Tyneside Adoption Centre specifically), I’m an avid follower of their social media (all links at the end of the post) so when I spotted their Christmas Fayre poster, I spoke with their lovely Community Fundraising Officer, and we began planning this collaboration. I pitched the idea of writing about feeling wanted due to the obvious nature and goal of the Adoption Centre in finding cats their ‘furever’ homes. Then the Fundraising Officer told me the Winter Appeal is actually about abandonment, and I loved the realisation that we’re totally on the same page! In creating that post, I came across seventeen collaboration posts I’ve done with Cats Protection since 2018 and so I wanted to also incorporate my journey with Cats Protection.  So, here it is – a behind-the-scenes of all our collaborations and how my work with Cats Protection has always left me feeling wanted – as well as some super special photos from the Christmas Fayre…

HOW DID WE GET HERE? | 1.4 MILLION READERS

In planning and putting this post together, I realised that my last reader milestone was on my Instagram in February 2024 celebrating 1.3 million readers (you can see the Instagram Reel here) and that this means I’ve had over 100,000 readers in five months… Now, to put into context why I see this as such a WIN(!), when I first started blogging in 2013, I celebrated my first 100,000 (I even had a party, which you can read about here!) after TWO YEARS! These statistics got me thinking about whether this means I’m working harder than I was all those years ago and that became one of the inspirations for this blog post where I’ll be putting a lot more thought into what exactly this increase in readers means and how it has occurred…

MY JOURNEY TO CREATE A MEDIA CAMPAIGN | CELEBRATING THE OFFICIAL LAUNCH OF SHAKE MY HAND’S WEBSITE | ad

So, I’ve decided to take a bit of a backwards move to what I had originally been planning to do. So that rather than have absolutely everything ironed out and then simply announce the creation of my brand-new media Campaign, I’ve decided to chat through the entire creation journey that has led to the Campaign’s website launch TODAY…

www.shakemyhandcampaign.com

Facebook: Shake My Hand Campaign

Twitter: @ShakeMyHandUK

Instagram: @shakemyhandUK

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT REPORTING ABUSE | MY JOURNEY THROUGH THE PROCESS, ADVICE, & HELPFUL RESOURCES

Inspired by the recent news story of ‘Andrew’ being removed from his royalty and military titles and ordered to answer to charges around sexual abuse in the US, I began considering how the survivor must feel to have received all of this news. Then, thinking about that, has led to this post about my journey through reporting the abuse I experienced, how I coped when my abuser told the Police he was completely innocent, advice I’d give, and some helpful resources…

“WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG?”

The very first time my abuser hurt me, I fought back, and I screamed. When he clamped a hot, sweaty hand over my mouth and muttered some very believable threats, I immediately knew that it wasn’t going to be the first time he did this. And that from that moment on, I couldn’t tell a single person about it.

And I was right on both counts. Firstly, the abuse continued for maybe three or four occasions per week for the following six months. And secondly, I didn’t tell a soul for that entire time because ironically, the longer I stayed quiet, the more opportunity I had to come up with even more reasons not to report it…

1.       My abuser’s threats that he’d physically hurt me and/or have me kicked out of school

2.       The doubt that anyone would actually believe me

3.       The thought that I deserved it

4.       Wondering why anyone would even care

5.       The worry of what my Mum would do to him(!)

And the list could go on!

OUR CREATIVE JOURNEYS | IN COLLABORATION WITH NYXIE | AD

*these illustrations were very kindly gifted, all commissions currently £30*

When I spotted Nyxie’s incredible illustration of a cat on Twitter, I immediately contacted her to have illustrations created of my own pets; my bunny Pixie, and my cat; Emmy! My chats with Nyxie ended up in us talking about our journeys in terms of creativity and it turned out we had so many elements in common. And it was that chat, which has inspired this post…

How I learned about imagination

My first memories of being creative are from my nana and I ripping up the furniture bits from catalogues and sticking them on paper to make little collages of rooms in houses. I remember, even then, being aware of how much fun it was and that I enjoyed being able to use my imagination. I liked realizing that you could take paper and glue and produce something lovely. That you could live out your dreams through creativity.

Discovering the power of creativity

The next memories were of writing short stories about horses and creating little gifts for my Mum and Nana. I actually found one of those which I’d given to my Nana when she was poorly. It was a little booklet with each page being some sort of ‘benefit’ that happens when you’re ill. There were things like ‘Grandad has to bring you food’ or ‘you get to stay in bed all day.’ From doing these things, I saw how something creative could impact a person’s mood. Their thoughts and their feelings.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MEDIA & MENTAL HEALTH | IN COLLABORATION WITH TIME TO CHANGE STORYCAMP 2020

The latest theme for Time To Change StoryCamp 2020 is mental health and the media and I thought it might be a good opportunity to talk about my own experiences with the topic, the positives and negatives I’ve discovered, and my advice on dealing with those negatives of the media…

My first memory of the media

I guess that my first real recollection of the media and the impact it could have on the world was when my cartoons were paused to break the news of the death of Princess Diana in 1997 – when I was just six years old! I guess this meant that the first thing I learnt was that horrific stories could put a stop to fun and laughter. They could over-rule them, take priority and become the focus for everyone. I also saw how media can influence your feelings in projecting emotions appropriate to the content. Finally, with the circumstances of the Princess’s death being around photographers chasing her car (I realise this is debateable!) I saw the impact the media can have on a more practical level and that once you’re in the ‘spotlight’ you can almost completely lose any sense of privacy.



The lack of content on some topics

My next thoughts on the media have come through the abuse I experienced when I was 15. In 2006, when the abuse started, I felt that there weren’t a whole lot of stories in the media about abuse and rape. The lack of this content meant that the only reason I suspected what was happening to me was wrong was because it hurt so much! The absence of these stories also meant that I felt so alone in my experiences and thought I was literally the only person in the world who had ever been raped or abused. Feeling lonely with something like that can be so debilitating because you’re thinking that you can’t talk to someone as they won’t be able to empathise, understand, or identify in any way.

There was also a huge lack for content on mental health, suicide, and self-harm back then which meant that I was absolutely terrified when I started experiencing hallucinations and thoughts to self-harm and attempt suicide. I think that it stemmed from the fact that without any information to the contrary, I thought if I told anyone what I was experiencing and feeling I’d be locked away in a psychiatric hospital and medicated! I also didn’t know who I would even talk to in terms of professionals. Like, I didn’t realise you could speak to your GP or even that you could have therapy on the NHS.

MY TOP TIPS FOR TWENTY SCENARIOS IN MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY

I learnt the hard way that mental health recovery isn’t linear. It isn’t about suddenly not self-harming, not wanting to die any more… I hope that my blog has shown this so that it doesn’t give people a misunderstanding in the way that I had. So as well as making this point, I wanted my blog to also support others as they learn this too…

1.    Feeling like you’ll never stop crying?

It has to. It has to stop eventually. But crying doesn’t have to be a bad thing – it doesn’t make you weak. You can view crying as a relief. It can almost be cathartic and therapeutic to allow the pent-up emotions, thoughts, and feelings leave your body in a – physically – painless way.

2.    Desperate for a distraction?

Be creative about this. A distraction doesn’t have to be the usual ones that mental health professionals ferociously advertise and recommend; like watching TV or reading a book. It can be cooking your favourite meal or going for a walk, completing a wordsearch, playing an online game, or de-cluttering your shelves.

3.    Angry?

Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. It’s all about how you manage it. Does it mean you’re unsafe? Does it mean you push people away? Or can it just be a natural response to a particular situation? Can it be an anger that anyone would feel? Can you cope with it in a healthy, and safe way? There’s the age-old advice of screaming into or hitting a pillow but there’s so many more productive things you can do too! Like throwing yourself into your work, education, or hobby. Letting go of anger can be one of the most powerful actions.

TWELVE THOUGHTS FOR TWELVE YEARS SINCE THE ABUSE ‘ENDED’

When I say ‘ended’, I mean that the physical side of the abuse finished because it’s so important to recognize that there never really is an end to abuse. I don’t say this in a hopeless way; but more as an acknowledgement that the memories, the thoughts, the feelings; they don’t just ‘end.’ 
Note: why am I not posting this on the actual anniversary? Because I'll be too busy having fun with my best-friend! 

1.        I’ll never forget the day I really first reported it

This is something that you may think I’ve spoken about but actually, I’ve only ever talked about my reporting the abuse to professionals and the Police. The reason I haven’t been able to talk about the first reporting is that it’s been hard to find a way to see it in a way that doesn’t reveal who my abuser was because - for legal reasons - I can’t do that. So basically, the first time I ever told someone what was happening to me happened after a huge argument with my abuser and something in me snapped and I thought ‘this is never going to end if I don’t do something about it.’ So, I told my abuser’s ‘boss.’ I was called a manipulative liar and it, obviously, left me completely convinced that I could never tell another person. 

2.       I can still feel unconditional love

I always thought, going through what I had, and dealing with it by dissociating, meant that I’d always stay cut off from the world. I – and others – put a lot of trust in my abuser and I actually relied on him at some point before it began so I worried that I’d never trust in another person again. That I’d never feel another feeling towards someone because I’d be forever scared that someone would destroy me the way that he had. It did take a long time to get to where I am today in terms of relationships but going into recovery helped me to appreciate all of the people who had been there for me through the hard days and in stabilizing my mental health, I’ve learnt how to build stable and healthy relationships.

HALF A MILLION READERS!!! | LESSONS LEARNT, ADVICE & MORE!

To those who’d ground me,

Take a message back from me,

Tell them how I’m

Defying gravity

Wicked – Defying Gravity

HOW IT ALL STARTED:

There’s a lot of things that happened whilst I was poorly that I don’t remember so I’m massively grateful that even though I was in Hospital (Cygnet Hospital Bierley), I can still remember the beginning of I’m NOT Disordered. I’d just had a 1:1 session with my Named Nurse and we’d decided that I’d begin writing about my trauma every night and agreed on a plan for staff to support me whilst I did so. When I walked back into my hospital room and saw my laptop lying on the bed (we were only allowed them on an evening/night) I just seemed to automatically open it up and start typing. Even though I was writing for myself, I think that I always knew it was destined to be read by others. Granted those ‘others’ didn’t include half a million people but the decision to post the link for my first blog post on my Facebook page wasn’t something I debated.

TEN THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY

1.      “I’M TWENTY-EIGHT!”

It’s like I wrote in my blog post on my twenty eighth Birthday (February 1^st 2019), when I took my first overdose aged eighteen (in 2009) I don’t think there was a huge concern that I wouldn’t make it to my next Birthday because the overdose wasn’t really life-threatening and I think people just assumed it to be a ‘one-off.’ But by 2012, when they’d calculated that I’d taken over 60 overdoses in the space of three years and I ended up on life support, I think people became… ‘concerned’ is probably an understatement… especially after I ended up on life support in Intensive Care.

2.      “I LIVE IN A BUNGALOW”

So often I get asked questions about my ‘flat’ and I’m so proud and lucky to be able to correct people with ‘I live in a bungalow.’ It’s sad that I only got this home because I’d been in a psychiatric hospital for two and a half years and so I was high priority on the list for a council property. But I could’ve just been housed in a crappy little flat! We dubbed my little bungalow my ‘forever home’ but as I progress through recovery, I can see that it’s almost inevitable that I will move at some point in the future but for now, I’m grateful for my little one-bedroom bungalow! 

TWENTY-EIGHT THINGS I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR MY 28TH BIRTHDAY

And the world becomes a fantasy
And you're more than you could ever be
'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open

Greatest Showman – Come Alive

Birthdays are one of those yearly events, like Christmas and New Years, where everyone responds to it differently. Half of people are excited and enjoy the celebrations where the other half dread them and struggle with overwhelming negative emotions. I’m with the first half! I especially love Birthdays because I like the thought of having an entire day dedicated to creating all of the positive emotions and memories that the person deserves all year round! This means I’m probably more excited for other people’s Birthdays than my own but I’m still majorly excited to be turning 28!

So I’ve compiled a list of things I’m excited for – not just things that’ll happen on my Birthday but things to look forward to in general… Some of them may seem ‘small’ or ‘insignificant’ but sometimes the littlest things have the biggest impact!

THE IMPORTANCE OF TELLING YOUR STORY

You’ve got the words to change a nation

But you’re biting your tongue

You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence

Afraid you’ll say something wrong

If no one ever hears it how we gunna learn your song?

Emeli Sande – Read All About It (pt III)

I’ve recently had a few bits of media work going on – filming with Channel 4, the BBC, Richmond Fellowship, and Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS FoundationTrust, as well as an interview with Koast Radio – and it got me thinking about my decision to tell the world about my mental health journey. And I’d like to encourage others to do the same.

When the abuse first began my instinct was to tell someone about it; to report it. His threats and warnings didn’t really matter when the real reluctance was coming from inside my own head. I was so afraid that I’d be judged for what had happened. That people would look at me differently and believe that I’d deserved it. They’d think less of me. Because ultimately, when abuse is reported – no matter who to – and one person is denying it ever took place, a person has to decide who they believe. You have to choose a side. And I didn’t know how I would cope if the people I knew chose his. Would it mean that actually, I hadn’t known them at all?