“I
came to win, to fight. To conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive. To
prosper, to rise. To fly.”
Fly,
Nicki Minaj ft. Rihanna
Yes, here comes another year on I’m NOT Disordered! To celebrate the start of 2025, I thought I’d write this piece about a collection of things from this past year! The post will include favourite blog posts and collaborations from 2024, advice I’d give from the biggest lessons I’ve learnt this past year, as well as my top purchases (from Amazon and ASOS), my most watched TV Shows, Movies, and YouTube videos, and even my top five most listened to on Spotify! Then, I’ll be wrapping up this jam-packed post with my greatest moments and achievements from the entire year, some of my hope for 2025, and a bit of exclusive insight into a few exciting, upcoming plans…
THE
FIRST THREE MONTHS OF THE SHAKE MY HAND CAMPAIGN | I'm NOT Disordered
Whilst
there’s going to be a bit toward the end of this blog post about the greatest
moments and achievements I’ve made this past year, I realised it will be
inevitable if some of those aren’t already mentioned in the post. And this post
about the Shake My Hand Campaign, is one of these instances because in addition
to it being a favourite blog post of 2024, creating and Founding the Campaign
is definitely one of my greatest achievements and most special moments this
past year!
I
talked more about the process of creating the Campaign in a blog post back in
June when the Campaign’s website actually launched (you can read it here) but for those who missed that;
here’s a bit of the story behind Shake My Hand’s creation. For a long time,
I’ve wanted to take on some sort of huge project, and I think part of this came
from having finished my last book; You’re NOT Disordered (which you can buy here) and feeling like I had more
time on my hands which I wanted to channel into something productive and
positive.
Obviously,
I’m a huge fan of using my experiences (especially the ‘bad’ ones) to help
others in a variety of ways, and so I wanted for the project to really
capitalise on that ethos, this way of working, and that general mindset. Then,
I read a news story about a rape and abuse survivor (whose story – and Twitter
account: which you can follow here! – I’d actually known for a
while now) who had ended up taking her rapist’s Lawyer to Court after he made
numerous inappropriate and discourteous comments during and after the trial.
One of these comments (you can read about some of the others as well as more on
the story on BBC News online here)
in the trial included asking the survivor; Ellie Wilson, whether she had heard
of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and if she felt she had it! With her
records showing no mention or diagnosis of the Disorder, and the trial judge
actually intervened at that point, but it didn’t seem to silence the Lawyer or discourage
him from making other, terrible remarks.
Ellie
was successful in her complaint against the Lawyer, with the Complaints
Committee stated that he had ‘abused’ his ‘privileged position.’ In hearing
this story though and reading that Rape Crisis Scotland (the case happened in
Glasgow) had commented on the case saying that the behaviour and attitude of
defence Lawyers can be a ‘significant cause of distress and trauma;’ I felt
very emotional. Not only did it strike a personal chord with me in my own
experiences or rape and abuse when I was younger, but it also instilled a sense
of indignation almost on behalf of survivors as a community. It made me say
“people ask why we don’t report these things sooner. Where do they want us to
start in listing our reasons? This case, is precisely why!”
When
I first reported my experiences to my abuser’s boss, I was met with disbelief
and named a ‘manipulative liar’ before being instructed to leave the premises
and forbidden from returning unless under strict conditions. His attitude
rendered me silent for the following two years and I didn’t actually report the
rape or talk about at all until I after my suicide attempt when I was detained
under section 3 of the 1983 Mental Health Act and admitted to a psychiatric
hospital. In there, I met another girl who had similar experiences and had been
in and out of hospital for twenty-odd years! It filled me with thoughts that I
didn’t want to end up with that kind of life, that wasn’t how I wanted to live;
holding this huge secret and just helplessly watching as it pretty much ate me
alive and destroyed my life.
So,
with these memories, thoughts, feelings, and experiences in mind, Shake My Hand
was born! The name was actually driven from the fact that when I was waiting
for my Mum to collect me from the building where the abuse had happened, I
heard laughter and looked down a nearby corridor to see my abuser and his boss
laughing and shaking hands. And do you know, at the time, I actually wasn’t
even surprised. Because I knew them both well. And his boss’s attitude and
response were the largest reason why I hadn’t reported it six months ago when
it actually started. My abuser and rapist had a highly regarded position, and
he was massively respected and admired by his colleagues as well as my friends
and peers. I knew without asking or testing it out, that I wouldn’t be believed
if I spoke up. I was certain that if it came down to it, everyone would choose
his side. If I reported it and he denied it – which I knew he would – he would
be believed. And at the tender age of fifteen, I didn’t feel strong enough to
cope with feeling deserted by all those closest to me. I was floored by it!
Completely. I felt totally alone, unsupported and completely dismissed. And I
was so scared that this would be life-threatening because I’d already had –
technically – suicidal thoughts with imagining jumping from the window in his
office and debating purchasing medication from a local pharmacy.
In
choosing to name the Campaign Shake My Hand, I thought it was a cool little dig
at the incident, that it was like an acknowledgement that I’d seen them do it,
and that I’d found a way to actually put a really positive and productive spin
on it. It was like a finger up at them both! Like saying, “you meant for this
to be debilitating and destructive. Now look at what it’s done!” The ultimate
illustration of defiance – I wouldn’t let it do the damage that had been
intended. And I actually blogged about how helpful creating this Campaign and
working on its development, was for my own mental health here.
Now,
one reason why I picked this ‘The First Three Months…’ blog post as a favourite
and said it would be an achievement and huge moment of the year too, was
because it was actually inspired by the fact that I had an important meeting
coming up for the Campaign and had decided to run through the Campaign Strategy
document. Even though everyone in the meeting already had a copy of the
document, I wanted to check there was nothing that needed refreshing or editing
and I came to this page or section I had titled to be the plan and intentions
for the Campaign’s first six months. I realised that actually, I/the Campaign,
had actually reached and achieved all of these goals, aims, and plans in the
three months since it had been created! I couldn’t believe it – I also couldn’t
believe that I hadn’t already noticed or recognised that this had happened! And
so, I wanted to write the blog post to document this rapid growth and
achievement as well bring extra publicity (I’m NOT Disordered had almost
reached 1.4 million readers at that point) to the Campaign by once again
featuring it on my blog. Obviously, with this accomplishment comes the fact
that there are now more, new goals; but I’ll leave them to the end of this blog
post where I’ll discuss exciting plans and upcoming projects planned and
intended for 2025!
HOW
DID WE GET HERE? | 1.4 MILLION READERS | I'm NOT Disordered
I
started this blog post celebrating reaching 1.4 million readers by stating the
statistics in that I’m NOT Disordered had received over 100,000 readers in five
months and explained the gravity of this by talking about how – when I started
blogging – it took two years to reach the first 100,000. Believe it or not, but
this past milestone (1.7 million) actually meant that I achieved 100,000
readers in just one month! So, I think this is a perfect example of growth and
progress. The progress that my blog has made in its success by way of its
popularity. With that rapid growth though, it’s meant that I made the decision
not to document every 100,000 milestone (as I had been doing) just because it
could mean a saturation of similar themed content on the blog, and so this post
for 1.4 million was the last reader-milestone blog post I published (though I
have created a couple of posts marking the other milestones on my Instagram –
which you can follow here).
After
almost twelve years of blogging, you’d have thought that there’d be nothing
left that could – or would – surprise me; but to have acknowledged such a huge
sign of improvement and progress? I mean, after taking those initial two years,
who would have thought there could be such a drastic growth in it changing to
that same achievement in less than one month? Like, it wasn’t even on my radar for
to make it something to aim for; I didn’t stop to think of it even being any
sort of possibility. It just didn’t seem practical or realistic. But I should
know by now better than anyone that having a career in blogging is just so full
of the unexpected – in all realms of the word and the role.
Now,
being the analytical person that I am, experiencing this unexpected milestone
and achievement gave me real cause for consideration. Consideration into how it
had come about. Now, something which I don’t think I talked about in the actual
blog post linked above, was why I wanted to look into this career event more.
Why I wanted to pull it apart and examine every inch of it. So, I wanted to do
it for a number of reasons, but I think that the largest reason was actually centred
around the learning opportunity it would provide.
So,
when I first started blogging, with no hope or intention of it becoming a
career and still being here nearly twelve years later, I didn’t take things too
seriously. I didn’t care much if a piece of content was more popular than
another – actually! I don’t think I actually bothered to check whether that even
happened because that’s how little I regarded the importance of it and how casual
I saw my blog as being. Obviously, as the years have gone by, things have
grown, evolved, and changed and amongst that change, has been my general attitude
toward my blog and my opinion of it. Having personally benefited from it so
much and having seen – and heard of – how readers have benefited from I’m NOT
Disordered, how could I not have started to deem it as more serious, important,
and much longer-term?
Recognising
blogging as a career and deeming my blog to be the huge commitment that it definitely
has completely now established itself as being(!), has really helped me to realise
that to maintain all these lovely, amazing elements and qualities to it, I
needed to put in the work. And that ‘work’ included doing more thorough and
proper evaluations of my decisions around I’m NOT Disordered and its content –
particularly the theme/nature/angle of the posts, their layout, and the
aesthetic of pretty much everything, really! Doing assessments and looking into
which content proves most popular and researching current trends amongst other
bloggers to ensure I maintain a niche in the industry, has – I think – really
contributed to the popularity of I’m NOT Disordered.
Ensuring
I continue to better my blog and its content, is a quality which I’m really
proud of and it’s something which I admire in another blogger/influencer;
Victoria Magrath (www.inthefrow.com). I like that she doesn’t seem
to ever rest on her laurels. She succeeds at something and then looks at it, at
how she did it, and learns from that to do even better next time. I feel like I
have this similar attitude in my blogging of always wanting to do ‘one better.’
Like when I first started doing series content at Christmas and I began with
doing just twelve days for a couple of years before starting to create full-on
Blogmas series. And even then, every year I did one, I would say that I wanted
to do it bigger and better than the previous year. I just think it’s a really
productive and positive attitude and work ethic to have and it’s exactly what I
was illustrating in this 1.4 million readers blog post.
In
Summer 2012, after a suicide attempt left me on life support, I was sectioned
and admitted to a specialist psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away from
home. In January 2013 I had a 1:1 with my Key Nurse on the ward and after
agreeing that I would begin writing bits about the abuse and rape every evening
and allow staff to read it – as a means of better placing them to help and
support me – I went back to my room. I had this distinct feeling that I’d just
taken a huge step forward in my mental health recovery and I waned to document
that. So, when I found that the staff had taken my laptop out of the security
room (we weren’t allowed them until a particular time of day and I had been in
the 1:1 at that time but the staff knew I always asked for it so had took it
out anyway!) and it was laying on my bed, I immediately logged in and created
an account on Blogger and without brainstorming the title or carefully
considering the pros and cons to blogging, I set up I’m NOT Disordered.
I
had two massive aims in starting to blog and wanting to start documenting my
journey:
1. The therapeutic benefits I’d
experience from writing.
2. To raise awareness of mental
health and encourage readers to seek help and talk openly too.
I
think that this blog post marking an anniversary of the abuse I experienced
when I was fifteen until after I’d turned sixteen, really indulged in that
first aim of creating the content/writing the blog post being psychologically/mentally,
and emotionally therapeutic for me. When I was younger and used to write short
stories, it was sort of similar to my blogging now in that it was about
indulging in my imagination and really letting it go wild and be the priority
for some length of time. With my stories helping me to that degree of freedom
and creativity, when the abuse began, I stopped writing. I was so afraid that
my imagination would somehow work the trauma into a storyline, someone would
read it, and my million-and-one reasons for staying quiet would go out the
window and everyone would know what was happening to me. Fortunately, I did
still continue to keep a very tiny, pocket-sized, and very brief (it was full
of abbreviations) diary – I say ‘fortunately’ because it meant I could give
specific dates for things when the abuse and rape were later reported to the
Police.
When
my mental health began to deteriorate after the abuse, though, this only served
to promote my belief that writing would end up divulging everything and making
it everyone’s business and I didn’t want ‘everyone’ to know how I felt, what I
was thinking, and what I was experiencing. So, I quit keeping a diary and
decided not to even risk writing short stories; that’s how worried I was and how
utterly convinced I was that I’d end up disclosing everything. This changed
when I was detained under section 2 of the 1983 Mental Health Act for the first
time after making a suicide attempt. In the psychiatric hospital, I realised
that if I wasn’t honest and open with the staff and professionals then they
wouldn’t be able to help and support me effectively or efficiently because they
wouldn’t know or under why I needed their input!
Fortunately,
I started writing again in 2009 and so by the time I got to the specialist
psychiatric hospital and started my blog, I’d been writing about my mental
health for over four years and so I was accustomed to doing it and I think that
having that prior practice or experience, really helped my blog’s content to be
of the standard and quality that I’d really like to think it has been since Day
One. I also think that early-ish beginning was influential in just how
therapeutic I went on to find blogging about my mental health to be. However,
one thing I wasn’t prepared for, was really creating content thoroughly about the
abuse because prior to that, I had really only focused on my thoughts and
feelings around self-harm, suicide, and the trauma-related hallucinations. And
yes, granted there was no pressure to blog about the abuse, but it still felt
somewhat expected because it was such a hugely traumatic moment in my life, and
it was the catalyst for pretty much all of the mental health symptoms I would
blog about. So, it kind of felt understandable that I should provide more
content around it.
In
starting to write about the abuse for the sake of expectation though, I quickly
learned that it was as equally therapeutic for me and my mental health as the subjects
I was used to writing about. Admittedly, in the very beginning – and still occasionally
now – I have sometimes felt triggered in creating the content and reminded of
what has happened to me in a way that feel dramatic, destabilising, and incredibly
emotional. I became very aware that sometimes, writing about a traumatic event
in your life, can leave you feeling like you’re right back in that position.
Like it’s happening all over again and all the steps forward you’ve taken since
it happened, haven’t even occurred! You haven’t achieved anything since it
happened – you’ve just been stuck. Paused.
Being
out of practice writing about abuse though, meant that I had to be really mindful
and cautious, and it has admittedly been a huge learning curve that has
involved a lot of blunders and incorrect phrasing or wording of things that
were kind of essential to get right! But, after some chats with my local Crisis
Team and their wisdom and encouragement, I’m now all about being accepting and
appreciative of learning things the hard way and not viewing anything – even posts
that have triggered me – as a regret or a mistake, and instead deeming it a
learning opportunity and the chance to do better next time.
I
feel it’s a much more positive and productive attitude and mindset to have
because it keeps you feeling hopeful and optimistic for the future and leaves
you feeling less like a complete failure with the worry and panic that you
might have upset and offended people by using the wrong words or going into too
much detail etc. I also believe that you’re always learning and that even
almost (I’m NOT Disordered’s Birthday is January 6th) twelve years
down the line, I’m still discovering new things and posts like this one – ones that
reflect on previous content – can be really useful in helping me to learn those
things.
EVERYTHING
I’VE ACHIEVED SINCE BEING SECTIONED ONE YEAR AGO | I'm NOT Disordered
One
of the many qualities I love about blogging is that it provides the opportunity
to recognise anniversaries, achievements, milestones, and just overall important
moments and occasions. It is the perfect chance to really mark or celebrate
these instances with content that can be used to reflect on the time prior to
this important moment; the time that you’ve spent working hard to achieve it or
– in this instance with my one -year anniversary of being in a psychiatric
hospital – all the things you’ve done in the aftermath of it. You can utilise a
blog post to not only appreciate and pay homage to the good things, but also to
reflect on all the instances you can learn something from too.
Now,
I talked recently in an article (which you can read here)
over on the Shake My Hand website about self-worth and I shared that mine was
belittled and taken from me by my abuser/rapist. He would frequently tell me
that I deserved what was happening to me – especially when he inflicted pain on
me or when I was crying. An another – less significant, but equally as influential
– instance that affected my self-esteem and self-worth was with my Textiles
Teacher in High School. She consistently and ferociously dismissed my efforts
in class and criticised (and not in a constructive way because that’s something
I actually feel that I benefit from!) the work that I produced. I mean, initially
I completed my assignments and designed things in the way that I wanted to and a
way that I would naturally do, but when she kept knocking that back, I tried
being more… Avante garde(!) in taking assignments less literally and being more
imaginative and creative with the entire thing! Abstract – that’s the word I
was looking for! Anyway, her critique and put-downs, became really degrading and
I think that something which exacerbated her attitude and responses was that
she wasn’t that way with any of the other pupils at all! She was so supportive,
kind, and encouraging with everyone else. It was a behaviour that was
reminiscent of my abuser because I felt that with him, no one else was seeing
the side to him that I was. It made me feel lonely and silenced because I believed
that if I told someone what was happening, I’d be dismissed due to the fact
that no one saw this side to him. And I thought that if I moaned about the
Textiles Teacher no one would listen to me or care about it.
Her
constant critique really knocked my creative and I actually completely stopped
doing anything related to arts and crafts and it also knocked my confidence in
my creative abilities and skills on a whole. It actually wasn’t until 2013 that
I started doing drawing (I’m best at fashion drawing though!) and painting.
That change or step forward only happened because I was in the specialist
psychiatric hospital where the OT staff would really encourage inpatients to
use their talents and skills and still engage in their hobbies to as best a
degree as possible. So, I remember I did this one drawing and painting of a
Robin on a branch as a Christmas gift for Mum, then I did a fashion drawing of the
Psychiatrist who was Deputy to my Consultant Psychiatrist because she loved to
wear unique outfits, and I drew a Christmassy tie for the Consultant because he
always wore outrageous – and sometimes ugly(!) – ties! I really enjoyed it and
the OT staff jumped at the chance of promoting me to do more of it to a point where
they even bought me some fashion drawing books from Amazon!
With
me regaining my confidence and improving my self-esteem in a more general way,
I found myself more able to recognise my achievements – which is obviously
exactly what this favourite blog post is all about! I think one of the reasons
I still struggle with doing things like that is because I’ve never been a ‘blow-your-own-trumpet’
type of girl so I’m almost naturally reluctant to do anything that resembles
blowing my own trumpet. But I think that blogging has actually improved this
too because in the almost twelve years since I created I’m NOT Disordered, I’ve only every received two horrible comments
– and that’s not to say that everyone who reads my content must like it! I do,
however, think it’s sad that I consider myself lucky to have ‘only’ had two
because really, horrible comments online – especially the type that I received –
shouldn’t occur full stop! But, in fairness, I’m grateful for those comments
and they actually did still improve my self-esteem; just in a much different way.
One
of these horrible comments came after a blog post for World Suicide Prevention
Day one year when I took the opportunity to blog about my attempts and someone
commented wishing me luck with my third! I ended up quitting blogging at that
point because I had the thought that it wasn’t worth it. That I didn’t benefit enough
from blogging to be willing to put up with comments like that. So, on September
12th 2014 I ended I’m NOT Disordered (you can read that last post here)
and it actually wasn’t until over one month later – October 29th –
that I opened the blog back up (you can read that first post here).
During that time away from my blog, I found myself really missing having it as both
an outlet for my difficult moments as well as a way to share and mark my happy
moments too. I honestly believe that without that time off – like, if I’d just
continued blogging – I might not have gained the passion, dedication, and
determination that I did. I think it took being without my blog to really thoroughly
appreciate it. That’s something they say though, isn’t it? ‘You don’t know what
you’ve got until it’s gone.’
So,
in addition to the lovely, positive, and motivational messages and feedback I’ve
received, those negative ones also contributed to my improved self-esteem so
that I’m finally in a place where I can really register, accept, and recognise
my achievements and accomplishments. And I’ve learnt that doing this, can generally
be so good for your mental health. It can boost your confidence and mood in
assuring you that you’re doing something right and that any rewards or benefits
you’re experiencing are very well-deserved and genuinely earned. This can help
with feelings around being unworthy and dismissing just how much you’ve done to
achieve those things.
One
final note about this blog post was that in it, I mentioned one achievement was
getting through surgery number three… Well, since that post – around two months
ago – I found out that I need a fourth surgery on my wrist! For those who don’t
know, two years ago I had a seizure at the top of a flight of twelve stairs and
I fell down them. They had metal edging to each one so I think that as well as
the height and the angle at which I hit them, contributed to the fact that I
broke both my radius and my ulna (the two bones in your arm). I had my first
surgery the following day because the break in the radius had actually put the
bone out of alignment so they put a plate on it. Around eight weeks later, when
the cast had been off my wrist for a fortnight or so, I was still in a lot of
pain and my GP surgery accused me of becoming addicted to the painkillers I’d
been prescribed after my surgery. I was absolutely convinced that something was
wrong though and eventually I was referred back to Orthopaedics and had a new
x-ray. The x-ray showed that whilst the radius had healed beneath the plate, it
had actually been placed too high on the bone and was rubbing against the bones
in my hand. The x-ray also showed that the ulna was actually still completely
broken!
So,
in my second surgery, they removed the plate from the radius and put a plate
and screws into the ulna break. Unfortunately, it still refused to heal and so,
on my third surgery, I had two anchors put in to secure both the bone and a ligament
or tendon that was surrounding the break and had been damaged. My Surgeon also did
a bone graft and in discussions about the surgery he had mentioned that they
can do grafts from the radius or from the bone in your hip, but that using the
hip bone can be really painful because they have to separate the muscle to
reach the bone. So, he used my radius. Unfortunately, this didn’t work either and
I’m now facing a fourth surgery where he’s planning on removing the anchors,
adding some wiring, plates, and screws, and doing a bone graft from iliac fossa
(hip bone). I’m now on the waiting list for the surgery because it’s counted as
an elective surgery as my surgeon wanted to give time for my Neurologist to
treat my seizures (which he has finally recently decided are Epileptic and not
the Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder that he thought it was). So, I thought it
would add that in as a little update to the blog post and because I also regard
coping with this waiting period as an achievement too!
This
blog post – contrary to what you might assume – was actually really hard to
write. And I say that you’d think it would be the opposite and be really easy
because typically, having a rant about things can come quite natural and feel a
lot more comfortable to write about because you want to get it out of your
head. In this instance however… Well, I’ve developed a real connection with both
the Director of Communications and Corporate Affairs and the Chief Executive of
my local mental health NHS Trust (who the Crisis Team come under) and so I was
really concerned and worried that if I went public with my rant and the story
of the Team’s failings, it might affect that connection. However, I came to the
eventual conclusion that if they were really the people that I thought they
were and if our relationship was all that I thought it was, then it would persevere
throughout this difficult, disagreeable time. Fortunately, I was right and
there’s still chats ongoing around the work that the Trust could do by working with
and collaborating alongside the Shake My Hand Campaign!
Sadly,
a while after lodging my complaints (which I blogged about here)
against these two instances with the Crisis Team, I found myself in a whole new
incident – but this time, it was concerning my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN)
– that required making another formal complaint. In this instance, it stemmed
from a letter resulting from my first appointment with my new Psychiatrist who
was conducting my diagnosis review. In his letter to my GP, he wrote that I had
witnessed domestic abuse and with this being completely untrue, I was confused
as to where he’d gotten that from and my Mum was upset and, I think, offended by
the thought that it was made to appear as though she had allowed me to witness or
experience something like that. As though she’d done something wrong. When, in
fact, that hadn’t happened and so we lodged a formal complaint with the goal of
discovering where the Psychiatrist had gotten this information from because he’d
clearly only written what he’d read or been told.
At
the time, my Mum actually asked my CPN if she knew who had said it and she made
the comment: “maybe you or Aimee said it…” She actually properly attempted to
put the blame and responsibility onto us; and this made it that much worse when
the staff who investigated the complaint traced the reference in my records of
me witnessing domestic abuse to have been made by that CPN at our first appointment
months ago! Apparently, when the investigator had first spoken to the CPN she’d
said that she had no clue where it had come from and it wasn’t until they actually
could say to her that they knew it was her, when she finally admitted to making
the ‘mistake.’
Ironically,
the Psychiatrist actually apologised first, but I assured him that I knew he
had only recorded what he’d found in my records. That he hadn’t just made it up
all by himself! And so, after confirming who’d made the comment in my records, the
next mission of the investigator was to ascertain where the CPN had gotten this
from because she admitted that she couldn’t recall me actually saying it to
her. Eventually, they found that there was no further reference to domestic
abuse in the entirety of my records – going right back to 2009(!) – and so the
Trust were obliged to put a Statement of Correction on my records. This will be
something that’s immediately shown when logging into my notes, and it states
that the comment was falsely recorded and that there was no evidence to support
it. It instructs that professionals reading it, therefore don’t taken any
notice of it in even remotely allowing it to cloud their judgment or attitude
and response toward me in any way at all.
I
think that one of the largest impacts this instance and complaint had on my
mental health was that it really rendered me feeling completely reluctant to
cooperate or engage with a psychiatric professional ever again. It was kind of
strange because I think it’d be fair to say that professionals – particularly healthcare
and the Police – have actually said/done worse things to me over the years so I
did surprise myself when I found that it was this incident that had really
affected my trust in them. I think though, that a reason behind this, was that when
I was first assigned to the CPN, I was very hesitant to be honest with them because
I’d just come off my section and I felt that I was sectioned because I had been
honest and told people about my weird thoughts and beliefs. And with that
admission being so awful, I didn’t want to say anything to this CPN that I
worried would lead to another hospitalisation.
My
Mum reassured me though, that it was good for me to be open and honest with the
CPN because it was the only way I would get efficient and effective help and
support. And so, with the CPN’s additional guarantees that I could trust her
with things, I began confiding in her and letting myself be really vulnerable
in talking about all these things that I didn’t want to; but which I knew I
should do. This development and growth of our relationship meant that when she
made this mistake, I was not only angry and upset with her, but I was also
embarrassed for myself because I felt that I’d been very mistaken in letting
her into my head. I was frustrated that I should have stuck to my instincts and
those hesitations to have not formed that bond or connection with her. It was
like she’d pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. It meant that she was saying one
thing and being one way to me and to my Mum, but actually; she wasn’t a good
person or professional at all.
Another
thought that popped in my head when this drama started was how on earth, I
would ever trust another professional again. How could I build a relationship
with a new CPN when I’d been treated in a way that felt really undermining? Like,
I would I let someone else in? With all these thoughts and questions, I was
left very sceptical when I first met my new CPN and I think that I was really withdrawn
in our appointment and that I resented her for me even just having to be there.
Fortunately, I’ve felt able to give her time to prove to me that she’s trustworthy
– and I say she proved it to me because it wasn’t my fault that I was scared to
trust her. I mean, it wasn’t her fault in a more personal capacity, but I
always say that professionals are representing the organisation they work for,
and if they act poorly or have a poorly attitude etc, that reflects – rightly or
wrongly – on the entire organisation and on the other staff within it.
One
final thing I’d like to say about these complaints – and its actually kind of a
piece of advice – is about expectations. Your expectation going into making a
complaint can honesty be the be all and end all of how successful you end up
deeming it to be, how pointless you might start to consider it, and whether it
feels at all worthwhile. If you have too high expectations – which might
typically be things like thinking that the professional will be fired or that a
service will be closed down – you’re more likely to feel disappointed and
dismissed by the eventual response to the complaint. In terms of setting your expectations
(because I think it’s totally normal to have them in this instance), it might
be useful to voice your thoughts and ideas to someone else who is more
objective and reasonable to the situation. Even then, it’s a good idea once you
have those expectations, to then still consider the absolute smallest
consequences you would be willing to accept in the complaint response in order
to ensure you’d still consider the complaint worthwhile.
Favourite
Amazon Purchases of 2024
Cat Scratch Pad: £14.89
W7 Concealer: £3.99
Retro Light Shade: £9.05
Power Bank: £13.02
Tresemme Colour Enhancing Hair
Mask: £7.88
Phone Kickstand: £5.99
Wireless Headphones: £19.99
80 X 30ml Medicine Pots: £5.89
Maybelline Pore Eraser: £6.76
Epilepsy Alert Wristband: £4.95
iPad Purple Marble Cover: £13.89
Pink Tinsel: £6.99
Having
previously collaborated with Whitley Bay Playhouse (the theatre that Alice in
Wonderland: The Musical was hosted in), I was attending an event there when I
spotted the poster for the Musical and my Mum and I immediately bought tickets
for it! I then decided to contact the production company; Immersion Theatre to
pitch the idea of a collaboration. In my pitch, I explained my reasoning for it…
In
one of my first hospitalisations, I actually had the book Alice in Wonderland
with me and I think I read it at least fifteen times! I think that a popular
opinion or impact and effect of reading for a lot of people is that sense of
escapism. The experience that you’re in an entirely different world or living a
totally different life. Now, in my opinion, the story of Alice in Wonderland is
absolutely the greatest example of this and is the ultimate embodiment of this
concept and feeling. So, needless to say, I found it to be an incredibly useful
and helpful coping mechanism or tool in the psychiatric hospital because it
made all the screams from the other inpatients totally drift away and the
shouts of the staff were muted whilst my ultra-plain and basic surroundings seemed
to dissolve.
I
continued to use the book in situations where I really need to be distanced
from my reality in order to get through it, and when I was in the specialist psychiatric
hospital, two of the girls actually got together and bought me the book but
with the names edited. So that ‘Alice’ became ‘Aimee’ and there was a character
named after the family cat my Mum was looking after whilst I was in hospital, and
the two girls obviously had characters in it too as well as another inpatient
who I was actually closest with. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts and it
makes me so sad that it somehow got lost through the move from the specialist hospital
to the rehab unit and then to my own home in the community. I really wish I
still had it to read through again and again. I also lost the copy I’d used over
all the years too! It was a shame because I had visions of keeping it forever
and actually handing it down if I ever had children!
So,
whilst obviously all of my collaborations are very special, this one had a
certain meaning to it that no other could ever have. I mean, it’s one thing
working with a retailer to do a gift guide or product Wishlist, but to work
with an organisation and people who I feel have actually literally gotten me
through some incredibly difficult moments. I would almost deem Alice in
Wonderland to be life-saving in being one of the main reasons why I’ve gotten
through hospitalisations. You know, so many people think that psychiatric
hospitals are safe places. That it’s where people go to get better. Those who
have actually been inpatients however – even when an admission has been helpful
(as there were some for me) – will tell you that these concepts just aren’t
always the case. Many people will have likely witnessed unforgettable moments concerning
other inpatients and/or staff or will have learnt – whether through personal
trial and error or just from hearing it from others – that there are still many
ways a person can self-harm or make a suicide attempt despite being in such an
environment. So, discovering something that can help you to get through an
admission safely, is something that should be massively respected and appreciated.
I
think that with this experience and opinion of Alice in Wonderland in mind, it’s
understandable that I found this collaboration to actually be quite an
emotional concept. That it felt like a huge achievement and a big mark in both
my mental health recovery and my blogging career. Interviewing those two members
of cast – who happened to play some of my favourite characters – and creating
the content, felt like a big testament to how far I’ve come in those two
respects (my recovery and career-wise).
I
actually did a number of collaboration posts (which you can read here,
here,
here,
here,
and here)
with Newcastle Upon Tyne Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust (NUTH) after being
successful in applying to work with their Patient Experience Team to help to create
a Trust-wide Mental Health Strategy for their thousands of staff to support and
abide by. I really commend the Trust on simply acknowledging the need for this
Strategy – for recognising that there was an enormous amount of room to improve
the help, support, and care they provide for people with a mental illness. I
mean, I haven’t exactly had the best of times when I’ve been a patient there.
One
time in particular was when they decided I didn’t have capacity and had four or
five security guards restrain me whilst the Doctor gave me a sedative
injection. If you don’t see the problem with that; it’s the staff that were
used… So, in a more local A&E when it was decided that I didn’t have capacity,
they had a few Nurses and Healthcare Assistants come in and rather than squirm
and fight back (as I did at the Newcastle Hospital), I basically ended up
hugging one whilst the Doctor gave me an injection! However, the Newcastle
Hospital; Royal Victoria Infirmary (RVI), were the ones to deem me not to have
capacity and put me on life support and so, the fact they saved my life; makes
it hard to provide any sort of real criticism of their staff. I don’t want to
seem ungrateful.
So,
with this mixture of both positive and negative experiences with the Newcastle
Hospitals NHS Trust staff, I felt that I could bring a balanced influence on
the creation of the Strategy. The most ironic thing that happened right at the
beginning was that because there were so many applications from people wanting
to help, we all had to have interviews and it turned out one of the staff on
mine had once been my Community Psychiatrist, but she now worked for the Newcastle
Trust. I really liked this because she had actually been lifesaving for me too
as she was the one who suggested the idea of me writing an Advanced Directive
which, on a few occasions, ended up being lifesaving in itself too. The other
person at my interview was Gemma who worked for the Patient Experience Team and
who I immediately ‘clicked’ with! Which proved helpful because it was actually her
and another member of her Team named Fardeen, who were the key staff I worked
with throughout the creation of this Strategy.
I’ve
not helped create a Strategy before this opportunity with the Trust and so the
thought of doing it was slightly intimidating and made me a bit nervous but I’m
also a massive fan of challenges. I really love doing and learning new things
because I feel like it keeps my brain active and allows me to develop skills that
often have proven helpful in other things. And doing this Strategy? Well I
couldn’t have been grateful for it because it proved to be so helpful and
influential when I created the Shake My Hand Campaign and had to put together a
Campaign Strategy, Brand Strategy, and Marketing Strategy. I honestly don’t
think I could have written those Strategies without the incredible experience
of working on this Mental Health Strategy.
I
also really liked something that it meant to be doing the collaborations; that
the staff were really recognising my talents, skills, and passion for blogging.
That they were recognising the success of I’m NOT Disordered and the benefits of
working with it/me. It was a lovely little complimentary show of support and encouragement
that really bolstered my confidence in my blogging, helped increase my blog’s
following, and – like I said – provided me with experience and the opportunity
to improve my skills, knowledge, and creativity in creating content.
*The
official launch of the Strategy will be February 6th 2025 – stay tuned
for more content on it!*
This
collaboration was actually a hugely professional learning curve for me because
having previously been a Digital Volunteer and Communications and Marketing
Assistant for the Hospice, I already knew that the charity have incredibly rigorous
guidelines around any and all branding, communications, marketing, and publicity
work. So, when I spotted their new store just a few minutes walking distance from
my home, and was inspired to create a collaboration, I knew it was going to be
really hard work.
I
was almost immediately proven right when my initial email was met with eagerness,
but a request for me to put together a proper collaboration brief. I had two
choices – admit I’ve never done one before and take them up on the offer of
their staff doing it, or doing a fake it ‘til you make it response and just
Google the heck of the topic and cross my fingers in hoping that my first attempt
is decent enough for them not to realise it’s my first go. Whilst I knew I’d be
met with complete support and help, I decided on the latter choice and began my
research into what the brief should include and the format and layout it should
have/be in.
I
actually became very thankful that I made this decision because it ended up inspiring
another two posts in partnership with the charity with the title ‘Behind-The-Scenes
of A Collaboration Brief’ – you can read Part One here
and Part Two is here.
In these posts we shared the different steps I took to complete each of the
sections a brief is said to require e.g. the Collaboration Deliverables, the Publishing
Timeline, and the Content Approval Process. And it turned out that my research and
my understanding of everything I found in that research, was ‘on the money’
because there were only about three or four bits that I had missed/not provided
enough detail or information about. Luckily, I ended up telling the girl who I was
mostly working with from the Comms and Marketing Team, that this was my first Collaboration
Brief and she said you would have never known because it was so good!
It
all genuinely felt really lovely because even though we hadn’t even really
started doing the collaboration and creating the content yet, I – and my blog –
had already massively benefited from this partnership! I say my blog had benefited
too because by me learning how to write Collaboration Briefs, I felt it opened
the door to so many more collaborations with organisations who I might feel
would demand a more professional and technical collaboration pitch than my
usual means of an email with basic information, my idea, the reason for my
idea/my inspiration, and with my Media Kit attached. It made me feel more confident
in approaching people and organisations who previously deemed unapproachable purely
because I believed I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘professional enough’ to pitch a
collaboration to them.
With
the time and effort (which I think is demonstrated in the pure fact that it
took two blog posts to run through creating one) it takes to put together a Collaboration
Brief, I’ve been tempted to approach people and organisations with a wording obviously
different to this, but which is basically trying to suss out whether it’s worth
even doing one. Like, would they actually be interested in collaborating with a
blogger or is that something they would never do no matter how good the Collaboration
Brief? At the same time as this though, I also think about the fact that the
more you do something – the more you practice doing something – the better you
get at it because the more experience you earn, the more passionate,
determined, and confident you become.
I
won’t lie though, after the Collaboration Brief was finally all finished,
everyone was content with it and the Comms and Marketing Director had approved
things, actually creating the content was a bit of a nerve-wracking experience!
I was so terrified that Of course I did massively still enjoy doing it –
especially because it was a really nice balance between my writing abilities
and my creative side in a more visual and aesthetic sense with consideration of
taking photos during my trip to the store and of my purchases afterwards, and
creating graphics on Canva like the one in the post that details the benefits
that shopping can have on your mental health. And fortunately, the hard work
and dedication paid off and the content was incredibly popular.
This
collaboration was so exciting and actually kind of emotional; for two big
reasons. The first, was due to the fact that the launch event for Waythrough (a
new organisation created by the merging of Richmond Fellowship – who have supplied
my Recovery Workers for over ten years – and the addictions charity; Humankind)
was one of the first ‘proper’ event I’ve attended since the end of the UK’s Coronavirus
lockdown. Or at least the first one since that time where I’ve had to actually
travel on a train and stay overnight in a hotel to attend it. Whilst Waythrough
obviously took care of all those arrangements, bookings, and plans, it was
still quite stressful – something which I almost always find to be true when I’m
travelling – but I actually seem to really thrive off stress when it’s related
to being busy around something positive and productive.
It
also felt like a long time since I’ve made a speech at an event too – and that’s
probably true since lockdown as well. Every single time I make a speech – no matter
where it is, who it’s for, why I’m doing it, when I’m doing it… I always recall
my very first speech – the closing speech at a Story Camp event in London with
Time To Change way back in 2015. I ended up ringing my Mum before I was due to
go in and I was in tears and panicking saying that everyone knew each other and
I didn’t know anyone there at all. My Mum was like; “you can do this! Just get yourself
up there, ignore everyone else, and speak!” And I ended up being really
grateful for the fact that the event was in an auditorium so there was actually
a lectern on the stage that I could stand behind and place my iPad with my
notes for the speech on it. No one could see my shaky legs behind it and I
could lean on the lectern to avoid my hands shaking too!
Whilst
remembering that speech helps with my determination and dedication to go
through with a speech that I’ve committed to, I then use another example for my
confidence levels. It was this other speech where I thought I was acting
confident – even though I still didn’t feel it – and I just kept one hand on my
hip and ended up looking like a blooming teapot the entire time! Then, for this
speech at the Waythrough launch event – watching the video of it back (you can
watch it too here)
– I seemed to just sway back and forwards or rock on my heels as though I
needed the loo for a wee or was just really fidgeting! It meant that in my most
recent speech (which you can watch/hear here)
for North Tyneside World Mental Health Day in October, I was very aware of what
my body was doing whilst I was speaking and so apparently I managed to stay reasonably
still!
Something
that I’ve found helpful over the years of doing speeches at events is the
recognition that no one really enjoys them or excels at them. At the Waythrough
event, I was sat to one side at the front with the Senior staff who were
speaking as well as another ex-service user (I believe she’s an ex user
anyway!) and everyone else was nervous to do it too! Even the Vice Chair of the
entire organisation! And one of them said that her nerves were made worse by
having to come after my speech because she thought, after everything I’d said,
I was hard to follow which was a really nice and kind piece of complimentary feedback.
Another
helpful thought that I kept in mind at the Waythrough launch event, was that no
long before it, I’d spoken at the internal launch which was actually a Teams
event. Prior to it though, I was told there were about 300 people logging on
and that made me have a long think on whether to go ahead with the speech or
not, but in the end I thought it wouldn’t be so bad online than if I’d spoken
in front of that many people in person. A little while after having logged on though,
I found myself following comments on the ‘chat’ function on Teams and saw that someone
typed in that there were over 900 people logged in! I couldn’t believe it! And the
biggest thought to go through my head was “we’ve just done introductions; I can’t
log off now because everyone knows I’m here!” I was lucky that I had happened
that way or I honestly could have have just quietly logged out and pretended I
couldn’t get access into the event or something!
The
final helpful thought – which I kind of talked about in this blog post – is,
during the actual speech, to always remember how I feel after I’ve spoken at
events and meetings previously. To be honest, no matter how many times I’ve
stumbled over my words or stood there fidgeting, I typically consider the
speech to have gone well because at least I got through it! And from doing
that, I always get a bit of a ‘buzz’ from the joint idea of it being an achievement
as well as the feeling of relief that it’s over!
I
wanted to mention here that I had also agreed with the charity’s Celebrity and
Influencers Manager to collaborate with Cats Protection on a more national
basis too, and so I created another post (which you can read here)
which was also related to, and inspired by, their big, emotional Winter
Campaign about the rise in statistics on the abandonment of cats.
I
chose to write about this first one though, for a few reasons:
1. It includes their Christmas Fayre
event which ultimately inspired both collaborations!
The
event was hugely reminiscent of ones I used to attend before the UK lockdown
too because it involved travelling and being given some special, unique
opportunities there. I mean, we firstly did a tour of the Adoption Centre with
a group of people which was lovely – despite the fact I’ve visited the Centre
numerous times! After that – and after buying some tea and cake and little bits
and pieces from their stalls – my Mum and I were taken to meet some of the Centre’s
kittens on a special, private, little visit. I’d brought in little tinsel balls
for every cat and the Fundraising Officer I’d worked with for the Centre
collaboration, had said I could hand them out to a few of the cats.
Luckily,
they had a pen with a litter of four little kittens in it but they all ended up
more interested in me than the actual toys! Then I got to go see a one-year-old
cat called Eleven who was the cutest, more affectionate cat I’ve ever met –
other than how Ruby is with me! She immediately came onto my shoulder and rubbed
her face against mine and started purring! My Mum said “so, I guess this one is
yours?!” Honestly, if I didn’t already have Ruby and if we didn’t have the very
close and special relationship and bond that we have, I would’ve stuck Eleven
in my bag!
One
of the key, most enjoyable factor of this Christmas Fayre event, was that it
had very little link or connection to mental health. I mean, obviously our work
together was focused on the benefits pets can bring to your mental health so
there was a relevance for me being there; but it was nice for mental health to
not be the ultimate theme or the largest topic of conversation between
attendees. Having a mental health blog often means that’s all you talk about
with others and sometimes this can get tiring, boring, draining, and emotional.
Sometimes you can feel like you just want a change and that you want to chat
about something a lot lighter and much less deep and heavy as it is talking
about mental illness, self-harm, hospitalisation, and suicide. Talking about
cats, kittens, having pets in general, different play toys, and bonding animals
is a much more fun and chilled topic of conversation that’s far more enjoyable
and casual. It’s something that people are more likely to understand and have
experience of – experience that they’re comfortable talking about, compared to
any sort of tales from their life that are related to mental health.
2. Putting it together was an emotional
rollercoaster!
I
actually wrote a page or so on a different kind of theme or angle for the
collaboration post, before I came up with the idea of using it as an
opportunity to reminisce and I made the difficult and nerve-wracking decision
to delete the page and a bit that I’d already written to begin all over again
with a new angle! I used the ‘archive’ and ‘search’ functions on the list of my
blog posts in Blogger, and managed to collate a list of absolutely all the
collaboration posts I’ve ever worked on with Cats Protection – whether on a
national basis or solely working with my local Adoption Centre.
I
was honestly incredibly surprised and overwhelmed to discover that we’d actually
created seventeen posts since we started to collaborate back in 2018! I was
shocked; if someone had asked me how many we’d done, I actually think I would
have said less than ten! Like, that’s how much or how far the actual number/total
really surpassed my expectations! But I really loved and enjoyed reading back
through them all… Recently, with the statistics on the popularity of my blog increasing,
I’ve been aware of ensuring that things on I’m NOT Disordered are always improving
and that they’re never going backwards. Like, in October the blog reached over 100,000
readers in about four weeks, so I’m very conscious of ensuring that this level
of achievement is maintained and that – if anything – it continues to improve.
Which, it appears to be doing as whilst I write this post I’m on over 92,000
readers in just one week!
Gradual
improvement was something I noticed in the collaborations with Cats Protection
too though, I liked that in comparing the first collaboration to the most
recent, an obvious assessment an outsider could make on any differences would
be that the Blogger has ‘learnt a lot in that time.’ And I love that, because I
love learning and I love seeing the changes that occur based on the lessons you’ve
learnt. Seeing an improvement really makes the hard work and time that it often
takes to learn something new – especially in the blogging industry – really
worthwhile and rewarding. And the thought that this growth and development
occurred alongside a charity who I massively support and who mean a really special,
hugely great deal to me makes it that bit more special and meaningful. It’s
like you’ve had someone holding your hand on a scary journey and all the experiences
you’ve shared along the way have contributed to not just improving your working
relationship, but also your thoughts, feelings, and opinions of each other.
My
favourite collaboration with Cats Protection is still the Christmas Animation
one from 2019 (you can read it here)
because it included a collaboration with LNER so it meant travelling to London in
first class with one of my best-friends. Then, we attended Cats Protection’s
very fancy event at the equally fancy and sophisticated SoHo Hotel to watch the
premiere of their soon-to-be-released Christmas animation. I absolutely loved
this event because it felt so special and there was this absolutely enormous
Christmas Tree (which is in the photo with me!) there to remind you it was Christmas
in the following month. And after the animation preview, there was drinks and
we met some of the senior Cats Protection staff as well as the guys behind the
creation of the animation! It was a fantastic, festive, once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity/event and I’ll forever appreciate Cats Protection for the
invitation to it! But I hope that this blog post illustrating the ways in which
each collaboration post has left me feeling wanted, really explains the bond I
have with this charity and the reason why I’ve remained so loyal to them after
six years and seventeen posts!
Lauren Spencer-Smith: Flowers
https://youtu.be/Fo_ctINcsdY?si=KX5JiK6uz6TMsU9H
Gwen Stefani & Blake Shelton: You
Make It Feel Like Christmas
https://youtu.be/3ZT9_H4-hbM?si=GdAX2a2hQCSgld7C
DJ Snake ft. Justin Bieber: Let Me Love
You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euCqAq6BRa4&pp=ygUPbGV0IG1lIGxvdmUgeW91
Nicki Minaj ft. Rihanna: Fly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3n71KUiWn1I&pp=ygUPbmlja2kgbWluYWogZmx5
Taylor Swift: The Man
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqAJLh9wuZ0&pp=ygUHdGhlIG1hbg%3D%3D
Choose your battles.
This
lesson came from the part I talked about earlier with the three formal
complaints that I was driven to make against my local mental health NHS Trust
and, as I said earlier, I actually already blogged a bit about this lesson in a
blog post that you can read here.
Now,
this was a rough lesson to learn and an even harder one to adhere to because –
in case you haven’t noticed by now(!) – I’m a fairly outspoken person. I didn’t
use to be; I actually – believe it or not – used to be fairly timid and I’d
just let myself be treat like poop without standing up for myself. I think though,
that a huge contribution to this behaviour and attitude was my lack of
self-esteem and my very low self-confidence due to everything my rapist would
say to me during the six months of abuse he inflicted upon me when I was 15
until after I’d turned 16. All the insults and put-downs.
Coming
through that, it took discovering the power and influence that people’s
horrible behaviours and attitude could have on my mental health, to be really
inspirational in me growing the confidence and courage to speak up when professionals
would do something terrible and unhelpful. I learnt numerous times that actually,
even if I wasn’t feeling too suicidal, I could have a really negative
interaction with a psychiatric professional and it would leave me ready to jump
from a bridge – and I’m not even trying to be funny or dramatic – this was an
actual instance! And professionals would ask: “why didn’t you call the Crisis
Team before you did this?” My reply was always that I was so scared that they
would make me feel even worse – whether that felt possible or not(!) – because if
they did, it would just provide me with even more examples of times when they’d
been unhelpful and the more instances I could call upon, the less likely I was to ever use them or to recommend anyone
else contact them. And I knew that was genuinely a really dangerous and unsafe
mindset to have.
Learning
to be more outspoken and to speak up when I felt there was instances of inequality,
discrimination, stigma, or just genuine rudeness and disrespect; I was then forced
to learn about choosing your battles and I think that this past year – 2024 –
has been the most instrumental time in learning about this concept. Ironically,
learning to choose my battles, was mostly driven from the fact that this year,
I was presented with one million and one battles to choose from! I mean, there
were at least three or four instances that I could have very well lodged formal
complaints regarding, but where I made the decision – for a number of reasons –
not to. Reasons ranging from the fact that I was literally in the middle of
another complaint being investigated, that I was scared how I’d be treated the
next time I came into contact with those who I could have complained about, and
that the result of my most recent complaint was exactly as effective or
efficient as I’d have liked it to have been. Where I was unhappy with the
result of a complaint, it left me questioning the point in making another.
Like, why put myself through writing a statement and answering loads of questions
about it, and getting expectations in my head for them not to be matched and me
to be left feeling like it had all been a complete and total waste of time.
There’s always something new to learn
in what you do.
This
lesson stems from my experiences of Canva throughout 2024! Now, I first learnt
about this digital, visual marketing tool in June 2019 when I was actually doing
a Digital Marketing Internship for the following three months. Ironically,
there were two of us doing this Internship and at the end of it, the organisation’s
team were choosing one of us to become a full-time member of staff, but by the
time it got to the end of August, I actually wasn’t too fussed about being
chosen! I honestly believed that I’d learnt so much from those three months and
I felt like I’d rather apply all those new skills and that improved knowledge
to my blogging career and the voluntary work I was already committed to and already
really enjoying. And so, I wasn’t that disappointed when, at the end of the
Internship, the other person was chosen to be offered a permanent, fulltime
contract.
Anyway,
ever since 2019, I’ve used Canva, and I’ve found myself now turning to it more
and more for completely different projects with completely different reasons! One
of my most favourite features – which myself and my team at the Shake My Hand
Campaign use a heck of a lot – is the ‘brand colours’ function. It allows you
to save numerous colour shades to the toolbar so that when marketing materials
are being produced for the Campaign, we can ensure that the exact shades used
in the Campaign’s logo are also used in other graphics and materials too. You
can do it with fonts too – so we can ensure that the fonts used in other documents
are those utilised in the Campaign’s logo too! I think that it really enhances
brand continuity and can end up looking very effective and professional.
Another
function that I like and which I use a lot for my blog’s content is the ‘custom
size’ tool which allows you to not only change the size of a template to another
pre-existing one, but also to create a template which is the specific size for
the particular project requiring it. This has proven useful for different elements
to my blog’s content e.g. if I want a graphic to run across the top of the
post, I would make this a different size to one that I just want featured in the
centre/throughout the text. Using ‘custom size’ doesn’t actually happen that
often though because Canva literally has templates for absolutely everything –
from book covers to menus!
The
final function I find that I use a lot of in creating content for my own social
media, is the template titled ‘Photo Collage.’ In this template – similarly to
others – you can then choose various, previously created designs and layouts. I
love this template for creating the title image on reels on Instagram as it
means you can put a ton of photos that are used in the reel in that first image
which might make it a bit more appealing and intriguing in making you want to
open the post up and actually watch the reel.
Having people around you isn’t about
quantity, but quality.
This
past year, I feel like I’ve actually
really drifted away from a lot of people who I once called best-friends, and when
I said this to my Mum she said “they’ve drifted from you. You were the one putting
in all the effort.” And do you know what? She was right. I mean, I’m not going
to name names, but one of these friends who has drifted, the reason was because
she regularly cancelled plans to meet up and it got to the point where I asked
her to do something and asked another friend too… The other friend completely remembered
the arrangements and this other asked why I hadn’t reminded her of it! My
response was that I should haven’t to remind a best-friend that they’d said
they would spend time with me!
The
other two who have drifted this year are – I think – mostly to do with the fact
that we’ve each moved into have different lives, particularly in terms of
children and marriage. Now, I’m a huge fan of children – I do actually have
some God Children who I used to see regularly before the family moved to
Scotland – and an even bigger fan of those who have a best-friend of mine as
their parent. So, despite these friends having children and that I don’t any;
that absolutely hasn’t changed how much I want to be a part of their lives! However,
I do appreciate the importance and meaning of having a friend who really
understands your life and has similar experiences – especially when it comes to
raising a child.
For,
what felt like such a long time, I felt like my mental illness had wasted my
life. That being in that psychiatric hospital for two and a half years had stolen
very important time from me. That spending all that time working so hard to recover
and to make positive and productive moves in my life, had meant I’m now massively
behind on all the big life milestones my friends are experiencing. A hugely
helpful factor or person in this issue, was actually fellow Blogger; Victoria
Magrath of www.inthefrow.com because she
has regularly spoken about herself and her husband making the decision not to
have children. And whilst that’s quite different to my journey, in speaking
about their decision, Victoria has made points that I agree with and have experienced
– particularly around that pressure from watching all your friends have children.
She’s
also spoken about this in a more broad sense of trying to encourage people to
not make comments on someone having children; whether that’s asking when to
expect them upon someone’s wedding, or asking why someone doesn’t have any by a
certain age – it’s wrong to ask. And this, alongside feeling my mental illness
stole some of my time, is reminiscent of another influence in me not having
children – the rape and abuse.
Losing –
or drifting away from (because I’m sure they’d still be there for me if I
really needed them) – these best-friends for all those different reasons; has
really helped me to feel more appreciative and thankful for the best-friends I
do have. The ones who I couldn’t fault, and whose unconditional love, support,
kindness, humour(!), and empathy have truly been lifesaving for me. To always
remember that I have people like that in my head, honestly makes me feel like life is worth living.
Favourite
ASOS Purchases of 2024
River Island Black Top: £25.00
Leather Look Leggings: £14.00
Too Faced Better Than Sex
Waterproof Mascara:
£15.00
Blue Stiletto: £28.00
Noisy May T-Shirt: £20.00
Vera Wang Princess Spritz: £13.00
River Island Bucket Bag: £38.00
Arizona T-Shirt: £20.00
Vero Moda Denim Jacket: £38.00
Denim Short in Ecru: £22.00
Barbour Wellies: £55.00
Navy Trouser: £35.00
1.
Finishing
the year as Feedspot’s number one Borderline Personality Blog in the UK (you
can see the full list here).
2.
When
I realised that in October, I’m NOT Disordered had gained 100,000 readers in just
four short weeks (when, in the beginning, it had taken two years to get my first
100,000!)!
3.
My
meeting with Waythrough’s Head of Learning and Development to book some of the
Shake My Hand Training Packages (you can book tickets for the Taster Session here).
4.
Reaching
1.9 million readers on December 30th.
5.
When
I was updating the Shake My Hand Campaign Strategy and discovered we’d achieved
the entire six-month-plan in just three months!
Inthefrow/Victoria’s Vlogmas Series:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWzRrb1Oc24&list=PL_Cu6BLZzI62Vu9uNUt1KvkTGaM5bIvow
Dance Moms: The Reunion:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRhF5C_REO4&pp=ygUSZGFuY2UgbW9tcyByZXVuaW9u
Dance Moms: The Best Face Wins!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0-kIdeZwCs&t=1417s&pp=ygUPZGFuY2UgbW9tcyBmYWNl
The Tonight Show: Ariana Grande and
Cynthia Erivo Perform A Song About Wicked
https://youtu.be/DJQqWbvwpPg?si=iHEfr9h1OrOP1boI
Britain’s Got Talent: Welsh of The West
End Perform From Now On
https://youtu.be/tm5Bf9QQKog?si=ZF6vP_epFPmRXPCd
Grey’s Anatomy
Watch
all the seasons on this medical drama series on Disney Plus UK here
Scream Queens
Watch
both seasons of this hybrid horror and comedy on Disney Plus UK here
Unbelievable Series
Watch
the Trailer for this emotional documentary series of eight episodes on Netflix here
The Heat
Watch
this comedy movie on Disney Plus UK here
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Watch
the second movie in this festive, family Series on Disney Plus UK here
2
Million Readers
In the
last few months of 2024, my reader counts absolutely sky-rocketed and at one
point – between December 21st and December 29th – I
received over 100,000 readers! Shortly after reaching 1.8, I found myself
having an assessment with the Psychiatric Liaison Team (PLT) in my local
A&E and one of them asked if I had a goal in mind for my reader statistics.
It was something I actually hadn’t really thought about so I quite liked the
question because it felt like an important point and a good mindset or thought process
to establish and accept.
Upon
thinking about it, I realised that whilst reaching two million readers feels
like it would be an incredible feat; I don’t know if I’d consider it – or any
particular number of readers – a goal just because I know that I’ll always
reach it… Like, my reader count will always increase… The goal, however, can be
about the only real changeable aspect around my reader statistics and that’s how
drastically/frequently they change. So, it would make more sense to set a goal
as reaching two million readers before my Birthday (February 1st) rather
than simply reaching two million.
Cognitive
Behaviour Therapy (CBT)
Around
two years ago, I became convinced that I had recovered from my original
diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and that there was something else
wrong now because I had developed strange thoughts and beliefs and a lot of
professionals were muttering about Psychosis. So, I requested a diagnosis
review and eventually began seeing the Psychiatrist earlier in 2024 and in one
appointment we talked about CBT often being recommended as a helpful treatment for
a diagnosis of Psychosis. It was explained to me that CBT can help with a whole
manner of different mental illnesses, you just have to determine what you want
to tackle/treat when you start it as this will define exactly what is done through
it.
A
referral was made to the Psychology team, I was accepted to begin it, and I was
promised to start sessions in October, but like many mental health services,
this promise hasn’t been honoured and I’m actually yet to start the Therapy. However,
in my last appointment with the Psychiatrist, I asked him what his thoughts
were on a new diagnosis and he said the ‘working diagnosis’ he’s considering is
Delusional Disorder. This is a symptom of Psychosis, but it’s not ‘full-blown’
Psychosis as a diagnosis of that requires additional symptoms/experiences to
those that I have. It’s also deemed as being different to Schizophrenia because
people with Schizophrenia tend to have their levels of functioning affected and
their living skills deteriorate whereas with Delusional Disorder, you can
function just as normal to a point where someone who didn’t know, would never
know you have it.
So, I’m
waiting to have another appointment with the Psychiatrist scheduled for this
month (January) when we’ll likely figure out a more permanent – or at least
long-term plan and more answers to my questions – which will include whether I’m
having CBT and if I am, when?
Surgery
#4 & Seizures
As I
said earlier, due to the failing of three previous surgeries to my broken wrist,
I’m now facing a fourth surgery where my Orthopaedic Surgeon is planning on
removing the metal anchors that are in it, adding some wiring, plates, and screws,
and doing a bone graft from my iliac fossa (hip bone). In my second or third
surgery, he talked about doing a bone graft and actually said that he wanted to
do it from the Radius bone in my wrist because he said the alternative is your
hip and that it’s excruciating. Since that way didn’t work though, I’m left
with the hip graft and the Surgeon explained the reason it’s painful and a
longer recovery is because you have to separate the muscle to reach the bone in
the hip.
I’m now
on the waiting list for the surgery because it’s counted as an elective surgery
as my surgeon wanted to give time for my Neurologist to treat my seizures… Which
is part of another element to this plan for 2025. The Neurologist has finally
recently decided that my seizures are more likely Epileptic and not the
Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder (NEAD) that he thought it was. In all honesty, I
like the Doctor so I don’t want this to sound like a slight on him, but I do
think that I was kind of thrown into the NEAD category because of my mental
health. That the degree of how genuine my seizures are and their cause was just
almost automatically dismissed. He actually told me though, that Epilepsy UK
released statistics that 1 in 6 people are misdiagnosed as having NEAD when it’s
actually Epilepsy so I think he was trying to convince me that it happens all the
time. In all honesty, as long as we get to the right diagnosis eventually, and
now that he is thinking it’s Epilepsy he’s having my anti-Epilepsy medication
(which I was already on) increased to hopefully get the seizures under control
for the surgery.
The Shake
My Hand Campaign
There’s
two huge plans or goals for the Campaign that I have in mind for 2025:
The
first, is to begin supplying the Training Packages (which you can read more
about here)
that the Campaign offers and which we encourage Police Forces, other legal
personnel, healthcare professionals, and mental health services book to have a
Packages or multiple Packages – completely depending upon which is most appropriate
for the organisation – facilitated for their staff. There’s currently plans
being made for the Campaign’s endorsement partner; Waythrough, to take part in a
Taster Session on each of the five Training Packages which will really help to
build on our experience and reputation in terms of promotion for other
organisations to get on board too.
The
second big plan and goal is to secure some funding from a grant organisation.
We’re sort of ready to apply, we just don’t have one essential criteria to be
applicable to actually receive the funding and that’s something which I can – I
think – fairly quickly sort out in the New Year! So, once that’s done, myself
and the Fundraising Coordinator can get onto applying for funding that we’re
going to use in a variety of ways! If you’re able to, we do actually have a
GoFundMe page for anyone who might be able to donate to it: Fundraiser by Aimee Wilson :
Support Survivors of Rape & Sexual Abuse To Tell Their Story.
