This post has
been a long time coming… I’ve written so many posts about abuse and how I feel
toward my abuser but according to my research I’ve never actually written
something aimed at him… I guess the obvious reason for this would be that I’ve
been too scared with how hard it would be, and also the fear that it would
bring forward a lot of memories that I might not be able to cope with.
So why is now
the right time to write it? I think that even though I’ve been unsafe recently,
now that I know my medication is being increased, there’s a light at the end of
the tunnel and the hope that the increase will work, gives me the strength to
write this post…
I found out a
long time ago that my abuser was reading my blog so there’s every chance that
he’ll see this post and my words will actually reach the person they are intended
for. On the chance that they don’t though, I hope that these words help other
survivors of sexual abuse to see that the things they might be thinking of and
the things they might want to say to their abuser, are echoed by other
survivors. That having experienced something that can leave you feeling so
completely lonely, we can be united in our achievement of having survived!
You
don’t have to read many of my blog posts to realize that I’m a very honest and
open person so to have to regulate what I say and watch how much detail I give
is very challenging! The most frustrating thing is that even saying the bare
bones of things - that the abuse happened while I was at High School – everyone
who knew me during that time of my life will easily guess who it was that hurt
me. You see, my abuser and I also had a public relationship – interactions that
others witnessed – and it was to the extreme that when others who were closely
involved in that time of my life were interviewed by Police, they all said that
they thought something had been going on between us! I mean, I’d like to think
that if I were ever in a situation where I had suspicions like that, I would
bloody well do something about it! As infuriating as it is for me to think that
if just one of those people had spoken up maybe a lot of what has happened,
wouldn’t have; I try to keep in mind that those people have to live with the
knowledge that they could have stopped it. But instead, everyone – especially me
- kept quiet; and I was left with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) refusing
to prosecute him after his arrest because they worried there wasn’t enough
evidence! Of course, this was a frustrating response – for the Police too as
they explained that they believed me but that their hands were tied – and it
has left me having to constantly remind myself that at least I have done all
that I can to protect others and prevent him doing it again to someone else.
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