re·lief
[rəˈlēf]
NOUN
1.
a
feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or
distress.
2.
assistance,
especially in the form of food, clothing, or money, given to those in special
need or difficulty.
3.
a
person or group of people replacing others who have been on duty.
4.
the
state of being clearly visible or obvious due to being accentuated in some way
I
don’t know if anyone can remember but I once wrote a post when I’d been
struggling with auditory hallucinations and I talked about how it feels after I’ve
taken Lorazepam and it kicks in and the voices go. I explained that before the
medication it was as though there’d been stormy seas in my head and when the
sedative had kicked in, the waves were calm and quiet, and everything was
peaceful.
I’m so happy (‘happy’ doesn’t even do it justice!) to be able to say
that my head has been peaceful for a while now and it’s not from Lorazepam;
albeit it is because of medication still.
When
I began hearing a new voice that was telling me that my medication was poisoned
and to stop taking it of course I was frightened but I also felt hopeless. I
thought ‘if the medication isn’t working any more then what’s stopping me from hearing
more voices?’ After weeks of me not taking my medication I finally confided in
my Psychiatrist the new voice and she explained that had I told her immediately
after it began, she would have increased me medication straight away and the
relapse might never have happened. That was hard to hear so I try to focus on viewing
it as a learning curve instead. Focus.
That’s a word I haven’t been able to use for a long time!
Having
silence in my head means that I can dedicate all of my attention to whatever I
like. I can actually put my all into something. And you have no idea how bad it
is feeling unable to try my hardest at things and use my full potential and capabilities
where my work with I’m NOT Disordered, and its collaborations are concerned. I’d
say that I’m actually a very dedicated person and when I do something, I put my
all into it, but things are different when you’re hearing voices; they distract
you and this hinders your potential. It’s like having a TV remote control and
the voices are the mute button and when that function is off, the TV can go as
loud as possible. With mute on, it can’t be heard. The ability to focus means I
can enjoy achievements again. When I was hearing voices, an achievement was
making it through the day. Now, I can land very much wanted collaborations and
my success in my work results in the offer of even more amazing opportunities! I also get to spend more time with family and friends because once the voices are gone, I don't feel so crowded. Hearing voices it's as though I can never be alone; never get a minute's peace and quiet so I'm reluctant to spend time with actual people.
Another
thing I’ve noticed has changed now that the voices are silent is my safety. I
guess this is an obvious one because you think that ‘well take away the thing
causing her to self-harm and overdose and she won’t do it anymore.’ But the
self-harm and suicide attempts went on for so long and happened so many times
that it became hard to tell the difference between me wanting to end the misery
that was my life or the voices telling me to do it. I’ve learnt that it’s sort
of the same thing; the voices were causing the misery so without their commands
I’m safe from both that, and the general impact they have on my life. Without
auditory hallucinations I love life! I enjoy everything I do (even chores
around the house make me feel great!) and I have a passion that I never knew existed
whilst I was hearing voices. Hearing voices, I feel vulnerable because it does
feel like there’s other people genuinely in my head, who are getting to see all
of the thoughts and feelings that I might want to keep private.
Of
course, I don’t have rose-tinted glasses on or anything; bad things still
happen in my life. In the world. But I think I can cope with them a lot better
without the hallucinations because I feel a lot stronger.
If you or someone you know is struggling with hallucinations please seek help and advice from your GP or by calling Samaritans