TURNING 34!!! | EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I’D BE BY NOW

You shoot me down,

But I won’t fall,

I am titanium

David Guetta ft. Sia: Titanium

In a recent blog post for I’m NOT Disordered’s 12^th Birthday, I was going through my archives of old blog posts, and I happened across one from my 26^th Birthday (which you can read here) where I made a bit of a huge statement about where I’d like to be by the age of 33 and it’s something that I definitely haven’t achieved. It’s also something which I no longer even strive towards. So, it got me thinking about all the things I thought I’d be or have achieved by now and about how much life can change and develop and sometimes, rather than feel let-down and disappointed, we just have to grow and change too. We have to recognise that maybe it wasn’t meant to happen and that because something else has come along, it doesn’t at all mean that you’ve failed in some way. It’s about being accepting of change and recognising the potential opportunities and strength it can bring to you rather than zoning in and concentrating on any negatives and feelings of being unprepared or unwilling to take on something new and unexpected. I feel these are skills and mindsets which I’ve managed to gradually develop over the last decade, and I wanted to share with you how things around education and career have changed for me and how I’ve coped with these shifts in my life…

THE BIGGEST CHANGES TO I’M NOT DISORDERED

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it…”

Alan Wilson Watts

When my mental health was at its most poorly, even just the idea of change was genuinely so de-stabilising that I avoided it at all costs! Then, when it would happen out of my control, I coped in the most unsafe of ways. I think it was because the abuse was such a huge change – I mean, I’d confided in my abuser and felt supported by him for months, but then he started hurting me and changed into my enemy as I became filled with hatred towards him. So, any change in my life became a terrifying reminder that something innocent can very quickly change into something life-changing and utterly traumatic. Through my mental health recovery though, I’ve learnt the positives and the healthy side of change and can now view it as productive and an opportunity to improve things. And so, here are the biggest changes I’ve seen in I’m NOT Disordered since creating it in 2013…

BEHIND THE SCENES: CHRISTMAS ON A PSYCHIATRIC WARD

Even with the startling statistic that one in four people in the UK will experience mental ill health at some point in their lives, the chance that someone will be in a psychiatric hospital at Christmas, is minimal and I’d like to think that my blog is largely about providing insight into aspects of mental health that lots of people might not really comprehend. I hope that in doing so, it will help people to be a lot more understanding for those of us who do have these experiences. So, I thought it might be interesting to give readers an insight into what it’s actually like to spend Christmastime in a psychiatric hospital…

For new readers and to give a bit of background… 


Two years after being abused from 2006 until 2007, I began hallucinating and within ten days I became suicidal and took an overdose. I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act and spent the following three years in and out of hospitals – both medical and psychiatric. Finally, a Psychiatrist recommended that I be admitted to a long-term, specialist hospital and I began undergoing assessments with some such hospitals. The first two hospitals weren’t secure and wouldn’t accept my flight risk but when I heard that the third operated on timetabled day with intensive therapy, I refused to go. Then, in July 2012, I attempted suicide again and refused to have the lifesaving antidote to the overdose I’d taken so I was detained under the Mental Capacity Act and sedated to be put on life support for the duration of the treatment. When I woke up, the first thing I was told was that I’d be going to the psychiatric hospital I’d refused to go to, over 100 miles from home.

When I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act (1983) within twenty-four hours of being in the hospital, I realized that there was little chance of me being discharged before Christmas. Then, in November 2012, when I was recovering from an overdose I’d taken after going AWOL, I realized that there was equally as little chance of me managing to kill myself before Christmas too. So, I began preparing for my first Christmas away from home.

FIVE WAYS THE ABUSE HAS CHANGED ME

Oh, so you think you know me now?
Have you forgotten how,
You would make me feel when you drag my spirit down?
But thank you for the pain,
It made my raise my game,
And I'm still rising, I'm still rising, yeah

Jessie J – Who’s Laughing Now

I saw an article on The Mighty about the ways Cancer can change someone and it inspired me to write this post about the ways that abuse has changed me. I know that they’re two completely different subjects, but I think that the message is quite similar: there might be physical elements to mental health and cancer, but they also have huge psychological and – so-called – ‘invisible’ affects. Things that you might never know about unless the person tells you.


I also had a conversation with my new Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) recently and she asked if I’d had any difficulties before the abuse or if I believed that everything stemmed from it. Initially, recognizing that the abuse has changed me in so many ways was difficult, and I tried to pretend that they weren’t such big changes but deep down I knew I was kidding myself! Then I realized that these changes didn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. There had been positive ones too! And I had learnt and grown from the more negative ones!

THE TEN BIGGEST IMPACTS ON MY PERSONALITY | IN COLLABORATION WITH FUTURE LEARN AND MONASH UNIVERSITY | AD

I wrote recently (here) about my thoughts on personality after beginning the Monash University course (via futurelearn.com); Introduction to Psychology: The Psychology of Personality. On completing week two of the course, I got thinking about all of the things that can impact a person’s personality. I mean, I talked in my first post about how I believe that ‘personality’ is who you are but that doesn’t mean that I think it’s ingrained in you – that it’s natural or always stable throughout all kinds of circumstances and situations. I 100% believe that your personality can be shaped by external events and how you internalize these, how they change your views on the world and the way you react in different situations. 

WHY YOU NEED TO WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE IN MENTAL HEALTH

1.    ‘Superficial’

When I recently self-harmed I told the Nurse that I’d scared myself with how bad it was because all of mine are usually – then she said ‘superficial.’ And I agreed but told her how much I hate that word and she explained that she uses it in terms of how deep a cut is and not that it’s ‘nothing’ important. I explained that it’s a person’s interpretation of the word and it probably comes from their experience of it being used. I, personally, have always used superficial alongside words like ‘shallow’ or ‘silly’ so it becomes an insult to use it to describe my desperate coping mechanism of self-harm but I now understand that she was using it as more of a medical term than a derogatory one. I think that my interpretation is evidence that firstly, it has previously been used as an offensive comment by professionals who were being dismissive of my self-harm and secondly, that it’s so easy to misinterpret this one word.

THE REALITY OF LIVING WITH SELF-HARM SCARS | TW

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!

P!NK - Perfect

So, I’ve just had a little day trip to London for a meeting with the Richmond Fellowship Working Together Committee and my outfit has included a really oversized t-shirt and I’ve struggled to find a jacket/cardigan to fit over it PLUS it’s been really sunny today! So, my scarred arms have been on show for all the world to see.

When I left my house this morning I didn’t think much of it until I was talking with my taxi driver (just like I usually do!) and he said that he was feeling down because of working so much then he said - in a careless manner and with a nod at my self-harm scars – “I mean, you understand. You’ve obviously got mental health problems too.” I think that at first, I was a little taken aback by the… I don’t know… lack of tact? But then I realized that he was just calling it how he saw it. He probably could’ve phrased it a bit better but then he might have assumed that if I was open enough about my mental health to have my scars on show, then perhaps I didn’t mind someone being blunt and forward about it. 

FIVE PIECES OF ADVICE I’M GLAD I DIDN’T TAKE

(You can find a similar post here)

So, I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy (I’m onto Season 10) and there’s a point where these Surgeons who were once best-friends are now going into two completely different lives. In this one episode, one of them said that the other has turned into the type of person they used to admire and the other said that the other had turned into the type of person they used to laugh at. And it made me think about how much can change – how much a person can change – from the different things that happen in life. What these things can do to you. And I began to wonder about all of the things people have said to me to try and change my life – all of the things that I’m so glad I didn’t listen to!

Also, to avoid bitching, I’m not going to be disclosing who said what!

1.      “YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY STAY BLONDE”

I’m naturally, like, white blonde! I always get told this story by my family about when we first went to see my Auntie living in Dubai and everyone would crowd around me because they thought blonde hair was incredible! Then, when the abuse ended, I wanted to change as many aspects as possible about me. I changed the spelling of my first name, I took my Mum’s maiden name, and I decided to dye my hair. I wanted to distance myself – as far as possible – from the abuse and the person I had been during it. And it was much easier to do this physically than it was psychologically. I think that, inevitably, others struggled to understand my motivation for change because at that point; no one knew what I’d been through. There came a point in my admission at Cygnet where I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I wondered whether I was now well enough to go blonde. Turns out, red had become my ‘signature’ colour – especially in terms of being a blogger and for social media.

FIVE SONGS HELPING ME THROUGH MY MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

I won't live inside your world

'Cause your punches and your names
All your jokes and stupid games
They don't work
No, they don't hurt
Watch them just go right through me
Because they mean nothing to me

-          Grace Vanderwaal – Clay

The huge catalyst for this recent ‘blip’ in my mental health was the news about my abuser’s new job role. It brought back all the old feelings about him – the anger, frustration, sadness… it all came flooding back, overwhelming me and taking over all of the positive thoughts and feelings. To come through the blip, I’m trying to regain some control over all those negative feelings and bring them in check so that they’re manageable and aren’t influencing my thoughts to self-harm or cause me to feel suicidal. Instead, I’m trying to adopt the attitude that no matter what he says or does, I’ll just get on with my life. I have to.

NINE LESSONS YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY

It’s my God-Daughter’s Fourth Birthday very soon and it had me thinking about the things I wish she could know now to save from her having to learn them the hard way – through experience…

(I decided to throw in some light-hearted lessons too because otherwise, it wasn't going to be a very fun post!)

1.       Your heart has to be broken to strengthen it

It’s no secret that I went through a very monumentus relationship break-up last year (2018) and I remember in the early days of it, I would have panic attacks whenever I thought about what had happened. Finally, though, I can see that the heart does repair and even though you might still be able to see the cracks, the rest of it will be stronger than before.

2.      It’s impossible to not receive ‘junk’ emails

I’m one of those people who religiously goes through her junk e’mail inbox every time I check my e’mails because I can’t stand it saying that I have sixty-odd unread messages! I think the only way you could ever avoid spam would be by not being online at all!

3.      Asking for help doesn’t make you weak

To learn this lesson you’ll have your determination and independence tested. I was someone who wouldn’t ask for help; no matter how dire the situation! Sometimes that meant insignificant situations like being lost and refusing to Google Map directions; and sometimes it meant not wanting to ring the Crisis Team when I was hallucinating. Through my mental health, I’ve learnt that needing to ask for help isn’t something to be ashamed of; in fact, it takes a lot of strength to do so.

GOING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD

A while ago, a friend posted a quote on Facebook that dwelling on the past will stop you from moving forwards and enjoying the present. And I think I’d disagree… If we don’t face our past head on, then how can we ever move forwards?

Immediately after the abuse I turned to alcohol to block out the thoughts and feelings that I had been left with.  It was almost more difficult to cope with now that the physical act had actually ended because I sometimes felt that I had no right to be struggling. As though, if I was no longer being abused, then why should I feel suicidal?

There were so many feelings that I was trying to numb… I think I was in shock. Shock that it had ended when it had felt like it was going to go on forever. Shock that even though it had finished it was going to continue to affect me in a huge, debilitating way. And a delayed shock that the entire thing had even happened! I’m one of those people though, who believes that saying something makes it more real and so my belief that no one would believe me if I told them meant that I was just left to deal with this life-changing shock by myself.

GETTING AN UPDATE ON MY ABUSER | HOW I COPED & WHAT I DID

So, yesterday I found out that the person who hurt me, now has a new role in his job that potentially gives him an even higher chance for him to do it all again to someone else!

I had some very confusing and contradictory emotions and thoughts about it all last night and now that I’ve powered through them and come out the other side feeling much safer, I thought I’d blog about what those were, in the hope that it'll show people just what you can make it through.

At first, I think I was in shock but then the contradictory feeling was that I also wasn’t surprised. His job title is an absolute joke in light of what he’s been accused of and arrested for; but at the same time, there was no evidence so how can anyone deny him of such an opportunity in his career? Then it’s like the Crisis Team said when I called them, although he’s been granted those new responsibilities, it could purely be so that the organization he works for can’t be sued for unfair treatment because he was never found guilty! The Crisis Team also pointed out that his colleagues will be aware of the allegation because he was arrested in his place of work and they may be keeping a closer eye on him because of it.

DEAR SERVICES, FIVE THINGS YOUR SERVICE USERS NEED TO KNOW

1.       Exactly what their care plan entails

Whether one organization is the service users entire support system or they’re part of a wider network, a lot of trust and faith go into their relationship. Not knowing what to expect from the service and from their allocated worker can be confusing and misleading, making things open for misinterpretation and assumption. Formulating a care plan is one of the most important steps for a service user to begin to trust in a service; it confirms that they’re considering your needs and requirements and are tailoring your care to fit with these. Allowing a service user, the opportunity to have some input into this process is reassuring and rewarding. 

BEEN IN EMERGENCY CARE DURING A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS? NORTHUMBRIA HEALTHCARE NHS FOUNDATION TRUST WANT YOUR FEEDBACK!! | AD

I’m honoured to have been asked to tell you all about this fantastic opportunity (which I have been a part of):

A LETTER TO MY EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF

Your life is worth a lot more than you think because you are capable of accomplishing more than you know

-          Roy T. Bennett

I got the inspiration for this post from a book that recommended writing a letter to yourself ten years earlier and when I realized how old I would have been ten years ago (18) I thought it might actually be quite interesting (you’ll see why) – or at least to me it would be(!).

Dear 18-year-old Aimee,

I don’t mean to scare you but I’m just going to come right out and say it; this summer, things are going to get really tough. I know you think you’ve survived the abuse but that was only the physical part of it. Here comes the emotional battle for survival!

Aimee, you’re going to overdose in just four months’ time and doing so is going to be the center of your life for a while… Sometimes it’s going to get really scary and, in all honesty, a number of times your life is going to be in the hands of some professionals who won’t always understand you. You’ll meet some staff that think your self-harm and suicide attempts are attention seeking and sometimes you might even question whether this is the case, but it isn’t.

HOW I MADE IT TO 28 | THE FIVE THINGS THAT HELPED SEE ME THROUGH

I’ve been thinking a lot about how grateful I am to still be alive and able to celebrate my 28^th Birthday (yesterday).

The sad thing is that I’m not being dramatic when I say that a lot of people thought I’d be dead by now. From when my mental health really deteriorated in 2009 to my long hospitalization in 2012, my records showed that I’d taken over 60 paracetamol overdoses. And even though not all of those overdoses were suicide attempts – sometimes they were just a desperate bid to silence the voices that commanded me to take it – they all could have ended in death. At the age of 21, I could have died more than 60 times. So maybe it’s understandable that I’m a little bit emotional about making it this far!

Now I know that I have a lot of readers who can identify with those very dark days and I’d like to think that in doing so, they might find some hope in the fact that I’ve managed to recover from that time. So, I thought I’d put together a little post with the top five things that I think have gotten me to 28!

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PEOPLE SLIPPING THROUGH THE NET

“We are billions of beautiful hearts, and you sold us down the river too far, what about us? What about all the times you said you had the answers?”

-          P!NK – What About Us

Once upon a time, I was one of you…

I remember the very first time I overdosed and all of the professionals (Doctors, Nurses, Psychiatrists, Social Workers etc) were so concerned because from the outside, it came from nowhere. No one knew about the abuse. No one knew about the voices. No one knew why I would overdose. No one knew why I would want to be dead. So understandably, everyone panicked, and I was immediately sectioned before I’d even gone through the A&E process! The initial concern and panic lasted for about two more admissions/overdoses before they replaced it with the ‘she’s-such-a-time-waster-and-attention-seeker’ attitude!

“IF YOU CHOOSE TO KILL YOURSELF AFTER THE TREATMENT THAT’S UP TO YOU” | LEARNING FROM MY RECENT MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

TW: discussion of suicide

On Saturday I woke with a start. It was sudden. And just as suddenly, I knew something wasn’t quite right in my head. Ever since it came about, I’ve struggled to explain it to people… which is really challenging to me because – as some have said – I’m quite an articulate person so being at a loss for words is particularly difficult.

After taking an overdose I finally made an attempt to explain things to the Doctor in A&E the following day (Sunday) and completely botched it up! It felt like I was flailing around the dictionary and decided on the world ‘alien.’ I knew before I said it that it wasn’t the right word and I knew how it sounded… you know, I go on about mental health stigma and not being ashamed to talk about anything  but the first thing that came to mind when I heard myself use this word was that I sounded ‘crazy.’

WHY WE PUT THINGS IN BOXES

“Are you ready to talk about that yet?”

The inspiration for this post came when I was speaking with my Community Psychiatric Nurse. A little while ago she asked me for a list of the things in my life that have had an impact on my mental health. I listed things like the hallucinations, when I was bullied in High School… and the death of my cat; Dolly. We’re using each appointment to go through the list by discussing one thing at a time and at each appointment I’m asked if I’m ready to talk about Dolly yet! At yesterday’s appointment I had a realization; I wasn’t reluctant to talk about Dolly because I was worried that doing so would make me unsafe (that it would trigger thoughts of self-harm etc). I didn’t want to talk about the loss because I didn’t want to cause myself the upset. I wasn’t afraid of what that upset might cause; I was just reluctant to face the grief and sadness.

HAPPY SIXTH BIRTHDAY I'M NOT DISORDERED

To celebrate the SIXTH year of this wild journey with I'm NOT Disordered, here's a post with links and pics from the past year! 

And here's to many more posts, partnerships, collaborations, and Q&As!

But before we get into the flashback… here's what has been posted for the past five Birthdays:

YEAR ONE: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2014/01/happy-first-birthday-im-not-disordered.html

YEAR TWO: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2015/01/happy-second-birthday-im-not-disordered.html

YEAR THREE: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2016/01/happy-third-birthday-im-not-disordered.html

YEAR FOUR: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2017/01/happy-fourth-birthday-im-not-disordered.html

YEAR FIVE: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2018/01/happy-fifth-birthday-im-not-disordered.html

January 2018 saw a partnership with OliverBonas on their book: 52 Lists For Happiness, and a competition win that saw me partying with one of my Blogging idols; Victoria McGrath (InTheFrow), Alex Harrison, and Google Pixel.