TWENTY OF MY FAVOURITE QUOTES

“What’s broken can be mended, what’s hurt can be healed. No matter how dark it gets, the sun’s guna rise again”

-          Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

“By the time I’m finished, they won’t even know your name”

-          Ke$ha – Pray

“I used to think, what if there was a button; that I could push and, all of the things that’ve complicated my life would just unhappen…?! I would push it and all of the people that shouldn’t have died would still be alive, I wouldn’t have hurt anyone or disappointed them, and no one would’ve hurt me, or lied to me and this whole mess would just be cleared up! But if I push that button; I would be gone too. I’m me because of what has happened, what I’ve done and because of who I love. I like that person. That me. Mess, and all!”

-          Aria Montgomery, Pretty Little Liars

“You’ve got the words to change a nation, but you’re biting your tongue, you’ve spent a life time stuck in silence, afraid you’ll say something wrong, if no one ever hears it how we gunna learn your song?”

-          Emeli Sande – Read All About It (pt 3)

“It never occurred to me that I’d have something to give. A way to contribute.”

-          Liv Moore, iZombie

#ILoveMyCatMoreThan | HAPPY VALENTINES | IN COLLABORATION WITH CATS PROTECTION | AD

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

― Lao Tzu

So, I was looking to do something special for Valentines this year because I noticed that even though I haven’t posted on Valentines every year since the start of I’m NOT Disordered (only 2015, 2016, and 2019), I do see the day as quite important! And I’d like to think that as the years go by, my blog and my content only improves and that my ideas for posts become more and more original and unique. This is what led to me messaging the Cats Protection Media Team and asking if they’d like to collaborate on a Valentines project. I won’t lie, I think I was hoping the reply would be ‘yes, we’re working on one would you like to be on board?!’ But no, it was more ‘yes, definitely. What did you have in mind?’ And I was instantly stuck with thinking of an idea for a collaboration! I honestly don’t know where the whole #ILoveMyCatMoreThan thing came from; I literally just pulled it out of my ass! And that’s not me being modest and looking for some compliments and flattery – I honestly didn’t have any idea until I had the idea!

TWENTY-NINE HIGHLIGHTS FOR MY TWENTY-NINETH BIRTHDAY!!

To go from having mental health professionals predict that you won’t make it to your nineteenth Birthday; to turning twenty-nine, is a bit of a shock to the system, so excuse me while I take a deep breath before I start this post!

This is one particular time of the year where I’m really thankful for I’m NOT Disordered because it’s meant that I’ve got a record of each of my Birthdays for the last seven years: 


When I turned Twenty-Eight last year, I talked about the 28 things I was looking forward to. For turning Twenty-Seven, I blogged  27 things I was thankful for. For my Twenty-Sixth, I wrote about the things my Birthday had made me think about. When I turned Twenty-Five, I talked about the 25 reasons why I was glad I had made it to that age. On turning Twenty-Four, I blogged about the 24 lessons I had learnt over the years. Turning Twenty-Three in 2014 I wrote about what I’d done to celebrate the day. Then, for my first Birthday on I’m  NOT  Disordered, when I turned Twenty-Two, I talked about how it felt spending my Birthday in a psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away from home. 


This year, for me, is a lot about reflection and appreciating how far I’ve come in my life and particularly with my mental health. So, I thought I’d go through each post and pick out 4 highlights from each and talk about them a bit more below (and number 29 will be something special)…

HOW MY BELIEFS HAVE CHANGED

I was talking to my Richmond Fellowship Tyneside support worker about the changes in my thought processes that she wasn’t aware of because we’ve only been working together for a short time and I realized that it might make an interesting blog post… As much as I hate the thought of people going through what I have, I hope that if there are people out there who have the same beliefs that I used to hold, then reading this might work as reassurance that you can get through it and come out the other side!

I will die young

This belief was such a huge role in my mental health deterioration that I had to discuss it in a Psychology session whilst an inpatient in a specialist psychiatric hospital. I had to put a lot of work into changing this belief and developing a replacement for it (in fact, I wrote all about my efforts here) because without that work, I was well on track to succeed at committing suicide. This belief spurred on my suicide attempts because it led to the thought process that eventually, one of them would work and I’d be free forever. Now that I’m happy and enjoying my life (for the most part!) I wish it could carry on for all eternity!



I deserved the abuse

This belief started literally immediately after the abuse did. Straight away I knew I’d brought this on myself. Though, I won’t lie; this was definitely an irrational thought because if I was confronted with it then I probably couldn’t provide much evidence to support it! I guess I just thought of myself as a generally bad person; and perhaps it being so irrational is what kept it so solid in my head. It meant that no matter what anyone said they couldn’t disprove my belief because there was nothing to really contradict! Eventually, I learnt that what was done to me says more about the person who did it than it does about me.

MY BIRTHDAY WISHLIST | AMAZON & ASOS | AD

It’s that time of the year again; my Birthday! This year, on February 1^st, I’ll be twenty nine! I literally can’t believe it! Obviously there’ll be a proper Birthday post going up on the day but in the meantime… here’s a very obvious hint for those who were wondering what to get me 😉

Because after surgery on a snapped tendon, I deserve this...

Gordon’s Pink Gin Gift Set: £19.99

Because red hair has become my trademark and so it should always be bright…

Pantene Red Expressions Intensive Treatment: £4.25

BLOGMAS 2019 – POST NINETEEN : LALEELAND LDN | ETSY COLLABORATION | AD

Thanks to a poll on my Twitter back in November, my wonderful followers decided that I should publish a blog post and film a vlog every day for the entirety of December! 

So welcome to December 19th…

Today is all about my collaboration with one very special brand on Etsy, in this post I’ll be reviewing the products they sent to me and on December 23rd you can enter a competition to win these products and the remaining one that I’ll be reviewing in two days’ time!



This post is in collaboration with the incredible London-based Etsy store; Laleeland LDN who kindly gifted me a few products; namely the Serotonin and the ‘keep going, be brave, be strong’ bracelets but also some other bits that will be a surprise for the lucky competition winner!

For this post, I thought I’d concentrate on taking inspiration from the Serotonin bracelet which has a purple band and is made up of the chemical symbol for Serotonin (which I think is such a genius idea!). So, I’ll be talking about the top five things to make me happy…

1.    My Mum

Of course, Mum come first! For my entire life it has been Mum and I as a little team but boy, do we make a strong team! Hopefully, just saying that will help you to understand the magnitude of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away from home for two and a half years. To be honest, in the beginning, I think that I was so mentally unwell that it really didn’t hit me being so far away from Mum until a few months into my admission.


Getting leave to go home every so often wasn’t enough and it was so incredibly hard to then leave Mum all over again and go back to the hospital where I didn’t know when I’d next be allowed to leave (I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act).

BLOGMAS 2019 – POST TWO : PACING YOURSELF AT CHRISTMAS

Thanks to a poll on my Twitter back in November, my wonderful followers decided that I should publish a blog post and film a vlog every day for the entirety of December! 

So welcome to December 2^nd…

I originally had a visit to York Christmas Market scheduled for today but for a few reasons, I decided not to go on the trip with Richmond Fellowship’s Tyneside service. 


One reason that I can talk about, though, was that I have so much going on this week! After my poll on Twitter, I received a message from a reader saying they hoped that doing Blogmas and Vlogmas wouldn’t be taking on too much but it wasn’t until I sat down to create the schedule for my Blogmas posts, that I realized exactly how busy I was going to be! It became daunting and all of a sudden, I worried that I couldn’t cope with the extra work/pressure/stress. I’d say I’m a very committed person though, in that once I’ve said I’ll do something, I’ll do it (even where this is something negative!).


I remember looking at InTheFrow’s Instagram last Christmas and seeing all of the gifted products and press trips she went on with companies and I thought ‘this is her reward for working her ass off all year! This is what I want to do next year.’ As much as I can recognize that I’ve achieved a lot through 2019, I also know that a last bit of dedication and hard work will really make Christmas Day so special and posting a blog post and a vlog every day for 24 days? Well that’s going to be hard work and it’s going to take dedication, but I really think that the sense of achievement I’ll have on December 25^th will make everything worth it.

CATS PROTECTION’S CHRISTMAS ANIMATION ADVANCED SCREENING | ALSO IN COLLABORATION WITH LNER | AD

https://www.cats.org.uk/support-us/events/christmas

Since my Christmas collaboration with the charity Cats Protection in December 2018, I’ve had the honour of working on a few more projects with them over the last year; including, two visits to their Tyneside Adoption Centre which you can read here & here, Tyneside’s Easter Event which you can read here & their Summer fayre, which you can read here and two posts for their More Than Just A Cat campaign which you can read here & here!

I’ve talked before about how important it is to stay loyal to the organizations, companies and charities that you collaborate with in blogging and Cats Protection make it really easy to do this. Obviously it helps that the cause is about something I’m passionate about (cats and the benefits pets can have on your mental health) but the Tyneside Adoption Centre staff and the team at the Cats Protection Media Office are so kind and passionate about what they do that it really helps me to invest in the collaborations.


I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but collaborations are actually really hard work and can be really important to the reputation of you and your blog. I’m so passionate about blogging and very proud of my little I’m NOT Disordered and all that it’s achieved, so I’m very wary about trusting other organizations with its name. It might not seem like it from the outside looking in but I put a lot of thought and research into organizations before I collaborate with them to ensure that myself and my blog are in line with their motivation, aims, beliefs, and general ethics, morals and decisions. So, it meant a lot to me when the Cats Protection team said that they’d support the idea of illustrating a pet’s importance to your mental health and that they agreed me and my little blog could be trusted to get that message across to readers and followers; I was honoured. Then, to be invited to the Advanced Screening of their Christmas animation?!! Such a privilege! 

LESSONS LEARNT SINCE ADOPTING EMMY| IN COLLABORATION WITH BANDANA BOWTIQUE | EXCLUSIVE DISCOUNT CODE INCLUDED | AD

“Even the smallest ones can change the world”

-       Peter Rabbit

 


You don’t have had to have been reading I’m NOT Disordered very long to know that my mental health is greatly benefited by having my pets (a two-year-old bunny named Pixie and a one-year-old kitten named Emmy) because I regularly talk about them, promote the general notion of having pets, and have collaborated on a few pieces for Pets at Home, Cats Protection and Willows Cat Adoption Centre. And if you know this, then you’ll appreciate my happiness when I found an excuse to go into my local Pets at Home; the bow on Emmy’s collar was frayed but things got even better when I spotted some new collars and accessories! I’ve always wanted to dress up my pets, but I’ve been very skeptical that they’d tolerate anything so when I fell in love with the ‘So Meowgical’ bandana for cats, I figured it was the perfect opportunity to give it a go! And, much to my excitement, Emmy loved her trendy new neckerchief and - as I said to my Mum - “she ponced about in it like she was all proud of herself!” And of course, once I’d seen that she liked it, I went ahead to searched for cat bandanas on Etsy! I’ve never used Etsy before but the price on the personalized neckerchief, from Bandana Bowtique, that I picked out was so good that I figured it wouldn’t matter too much if the order didn’t work. But of course, it did, and after the neckerchief was delivered in a matter of days (despite it only being a £1 delivery charge) I messaged the seller to suggest a collaboration. And I’m very pleased to say that Bandana Bowtique have offered you all an exclusive 15% discount code to use on their Etsy shop  - all you have to do is type in IMNOTDISORDERED at the checkout! 

BEST FRIENDS & MENTAL HEALTH

ps. i have so many pics with my besties that i decided to just include this one because I think it sums up friendship perfectly! 

With it recently being Best Friends Day, I was inspired to write this post all about why friendship is so important in mental health…


Growing up, I don’t think I ever paid much attention to my friendships, and that doesn’t mean I was isolated and didn’t have any. It was just that I wasn’t really conscious of the possibility that I could be friendless and that meant I wasn’t very appreciative of the fact that I had three best friends who I’d do everything with! 


I felt like this all through First School until we started Middle School and each of us found their own friendship groups. It seemed to be fairly natural and with us all being in different classes anyway it’s kind of just made sense that we’d find other friends who were in our class. A huge milestone and test in the group’s friendship came when one of my friends lost her mother very suddenly. Our other two friends had no real reaction – that I know of – but I (and my Mum!) were there for her and her family in a flash, and our friendship seemed to repair itself a little for the duration of Middle School.

MY TOP TIPS FOR TWENTY SCENARIOS IN MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY

I learnt the hard way that mental health recovery isn’t linear. It isn’t about suddenly not self-harming, not wanting to die any more… I hope that my blog has shown this so that it doesn’t give people a misunderstanding in the way that I had. So as well as making this point, I wanted my blog to also support others as they learn this too…

1.    Feeling like you’ll never stop crying?

It has to. It has to stop eventually. But crying doesn’t have to be a bad thing – it doesn’t make you weak. You can view crying as a relief. It can almost be cathartic and therapeutic to allow the pent-up emotions, thoughts, and feelings leave your body in a – physically – painless way.

2.    Desperate for a distraction?

Be creative about this. A distraction doesn’t have to be the usual ones that mental health professionals ferociously advertise and recommend; like watching TV or reading a book. It can be cooking your favourite meal or going for a walk, completing a wordsearch, playing an online game, or de-cluttering your shelves.

3.    Angry?

Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. It’s all about how you manage it. Does it mean you’re unsafe? Does it mean you push people away? Or can it just be a natural response to a particular situation? Can it be an anger that anyone would feel? Can you cope with it in a healthy, and safe way? There’s the age-old advice of screaming into or hitting a pillow but there’s so many more productive things you can do too! Like throwing yourself into your work, education, or hobby. Letting go of anger can be one of the most powerful actions.

HALF A MILLION READERS!!! | LESSONS LEARNT, ADVICE & MORE!

To those who’d ground me,

Take a message back from me,

Tell them how I’m

Defying gravity

Wicked – Defying Gravity

HOW IT ALL STARTED:

There’s a lot of things that happened whilst I was poorly that I don’t remember so I’m massively grateful that even though I was in Hospital (Cygnet Hospital Bierley), I can still remember the beginning of I’m NOT Disordered. I’d just had a 1:1 session with my Named Nurse and we’d decided that I’d begin writing about my trauma every night and agreed on a plan for staff to support me whilst I did so. When I walked back into my hospital room and saw my laptop lying on the bed (we were only allowed them on an evening/night) I just seemed to automatically open it up and start typing. Even though I was writing for myself, I think that I always knew it was destined to be read by others. Granted those ‘others’ didn’t include half a million people but the decision to post the link for my first blog post on my Facebook page wasn’t something I debated.

FIVE WAYS TO BUILD EACH OTHER UP | HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY

For International Women’s Day last year, I wrote a post about my twelve favourite women. Some of those women are no longer in my life so I considered writing a up-to-date one but then, I thought that it might be nice to write something a little different this year. After all, I sing the praises of my favourites so often that I don’t think there are any words left in the world that I haven’t used, to describe and thank them.

So, this year I wanted to focus on some of the ways that people – though women are the focus today - can support one another:

1.      No pressure

With social media being everywhere at the moment, it’s become a very influential platform and the old saying of ‘sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ is becoming less and less true. We’re always inundated with criticisms and the goals for weight, style, health, relationships, etc. are constantly changing. Just when you think you’ve achieved something, it seems that there’s someone there to better it and leave you feeling inferior and insufficient. I think that one of the greatest awareness’s you can gain in life is the insight that there’s consequences for your words and actions. But there needs to be a balance between pressuring a person into being someone they’re not and encouraging a person to grow, develop and take on new challenges.  

NINE LESSONS YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY

It’s my God-Daughter’s Fourth Birthday very soon and it had me thinking about the things I wish she could know now to save from her having to learn them the hard way – through experience…

(I decided to throw in some light-hearted lessons too because otherwise, it wasn't going to be a very fun post!)

1.       Your heart has to be broken to strengthen it

It’s no secret that I went through a very monumentus relationship break-up last year (2018) and I remember in the early days of it, I would have panic attacks whenever I thought about what had happened. Finally, though, I can see that the heart does repair and even though you might still be able to see the cracks, the rest of it will be stronger than before.

2.      It’s impossible to not receive ‘junk’ emails

I’m one of those people who religiously goes through her junk e’mail inbox every time I check my e’mails because I can’t stand it saying that I have sixty-odd unread messages! I think the only way you could ever avoid spam would be by not being online at all!

3.      Asking for help doesn’t make you weak

To learn this lesson you’ll have your determination and independence tested. I was someone who wouldn’t ask for help; no matter how dire the situation! Sometimes that meant insignificant situations like being lost and refusing to Google Map directions; and sometimes it meant not wanting to ring the Crisis Team when I was hallucinating. Through my mental health, I’ve learnt that needing to ask for help isn’t something to be ashamed of; in fact, it takes a lot of strength to do so.

GOING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD

A while ago, a friend posted a quote on Facebook that dwelling on the past will stop you from moving forwards and enjoying the present. And I think I’d disagree… If we don’t face our past head on, then how can we ever move forwards?

Immediately after the abuse I turned to alcohol to block out the thoughts and feelings that I had been left with.  It was almost more difficult to cope with now that the physical act had actually ended because I sometimes felt that I had no right to be struggling. As though, if I was no longer being abused, then why should I feel suicidal?

There were so many feelings that I was trying to numb… I think I was in shock. Shock that it had ended when it had felt like it was going to go on forever. Shock that even though it had finished it was going to continue to affect me in a huge, debilitating way. And a delayed shock that the entire thing had even happened! I’m one of those people though, who believes that saying something makes it more real and so my belief that no one would believe me if I told them meant that I was just left to deal with this life-changing shock by myself.

WHY I BLOG

Today, I wanted to talk a bit about why I blog. When I was speaking with the Team Lead for RichmondFellowship Tyneside yesterday she asked what motivated me to do everything I do, and it made me wonder if other people might also want to know the answer to that question. At the time, my answer was ‘there’s a ton of reasons but I think the main one is to help others.’ So, I thought this would be a nice opportunity to think a bit more about my rationale for doing what I have for six years now.

I feel like I’ve told the story of starting I’m NOT Disordered hundreds of times, but I recognize how many new readers I’ve had recently and it’s safe to assume that not many people will scroll back through the archives and read all 752 posts since January 2013.

BLOGGING, JUDGEMENT & ASKING FOR HELP | RELATING TO NINE NEW AMSTERDAM QUOTES

 

“Social media’s weird. It’s like we’re not even us when we’re on it. It’s like we’re the thing                                  that we wish we were. Or even worse, we’re the thing that we think others want us to be” – Iggy

I’ve thought a lot about this one… I kind of think of myself as a promoter of social media and blogging. Both have helped my mental health so much that I want to shout it from the rooftops in the off-chance they can help others in the same way. But I can’t deny the negative side of it and I think it’d be naiive of me to do so. As I’m NOT Disordered has grown more successful and opportunities have been offered to me because of that success, things have often become overwhelming. I think the biggest struggle has – ironically - come with my recovery. I’ve had to battle two different schools of thoughts: 1. No one will read the blog if I’m in recovery and 2. I can’t talk about days when I struggle because people will lose hope. I’ve finally learnt that as long as I’m being honest in my work and enjoying it, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

WHY I’M ALL ABOUT SELF-LOVING THIS VALENTINES DAY | FOUR TIPS TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER

I couldn’t decide what to write this post about; family relationships, friendships, or the absence of romantic relationships on a day when ‘romance is in the air.’ And then I came to the conclusion that an important factor in any kind of relationship is the one you have with yourself. When you don’t feel good in yourself then you’ll struggle to both maintain healthy relationships and create new ones.

1.       PUT ALL THE FEEL-GOODS ON

That includes feel-good music (mine is Keala Settle – This is Me from The Greatest Showman because it’s so empowering), a movie (Alice in Wonderland for its far-fetched storyline), and book (Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald because I feel so accomplished finishing it in one day!). Filling your life with happy music, movies and books can provide for both a much-needed boost to your mood, or a welcome relief from reality. 

A LETTER TO MY EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF

Your life is worth a lot more than you think because you are capable of accomplishing more than you know

-          Roy T. Bennett

I got the inspiration for this post from a book that recommended writing a letter to yourself ten years earlier and when I realized how old I would have been ten years ago (18) I thought it might actually be quite interesting (you’ll see why) – or at least to me it would be(!).

Dear 18-year-old Aimee,

I don’t mean to scare you but I’m just going to come right out and say it; this summer, things are going to get really tough. I know you think you’ve survived the abuse but that was only the physical part of it. Here comes the emotional battle for survival!

Aimee, you’re going to overdose in just four months’ time and doing so is going to be the center of your life for a while… Sometimes it’s going to get really scary and, in all honesty, a number of times your life is going to be in the hands of some professionals who won’t always understand you. You’ll meet some staff that think your self-harm and suicide attempts are attention seeking and sometimes you might even question whether this is the case, but it isn’t.

HOW I MADE IT TO 28 | THE FIVE THINGS THAT HELPED SEE ME THROUGH

I’ve been thinking a lot about how grateful I am to still be alive and able to celebrate my 28^th Birthday (yesterday).

The sad thing is that I’m not being dramatic when I say that a lot of people thought I’d be dead by now. From when my mental health really deteriorated in 2009 to my long hospitalization in 2012, my records showed that I’d taken over 60 paracetamol overdoses. And even though not all of those overdoses were suicide attempts – sometimes they were just a desperate bid to silence the voices that commanded me to take it – they all could have ended in death. At the age of 21, I could have died more than 60 times. So maybe it’s understandable that I’m a little bit emotional about making it this far!

Now I know that I have a lot of readers who can identify with those very dark days and I’d like to think that in doing so, they might find some hope in the fact that I’ve managed to recover from that time. So, I thought I’d put together a little post with the top five things that I think have gotten me to 28!