THE LARGEST ‘MOVE’ I’VE MADE FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH | MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK 2024

“Wisdom comes from making mistakes, having the courage to face them, and to make adjustments moving forward based upon the knowledge acquired through those experiences.”

Ken Poirot

A few months ago, I actually sent out a ton of emails to various people regarding a series I had envisioned publishing on I’m NOT Disordered for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW). Despite obviously receiving replies, I’ve somehow managed to reach this Week without any content! You know sometimes when it feels like time has just snuck up on you and something you’ve been planning for ages is suddenly happening? This Week is like that! So, I debated not putting any content together at all because I was struggling to think of much to write about myself with this year’s theme being ‘movement’ – hence why I’d emailed lots of people; because they were people who would have had more to say on the topic! I was still experiencing some sort of pull towards the idea of a blog post though, and I began thinking of angles on the ‘movement’ thing that might be more apt for me… I think it’s obvious that the theme is referring to exercise and the benefits that being active can have on your mental health; but I don’t have great experiences, thoughts, or feelings about exercise, so I wanted to a be bit creative and I finally decided to put a different spin on it and talk about the largest and most recent ‘move’ I’ve made for my mental health…

DAY TWO OF BLOGMAS UNBOXED 2023: AN ITEM FOR GRACIE’S 1ST CHRISTMAS, A MENTAL HEALTH MYTH-BUSTING CHAT INSPIRED BY RABBIT HALLUCINATIONS, & A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR LUNA | IN COLLABORATION WITH PHOENIX COVE

PhoenixCove - Etsy UK

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https://www.tiktok.com/@phoenixcove.co

Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!

So, the first piece I’m going to share with you from the wonderful and talented Cleo from Phoenix Cove – a popular Etsy store – is this cute little decoration marking that this Christmas is the first one for one of my mini-Lionhead bunny’s; Gracie. So, inspired by this item, I thought I’d write a little piece about her, and I’ve created a reel of some of my favourite moments and photos of both her, and my other mini-Lionhead; Luna (who I got one of the wooden letters for)…  

DEAR PIXIE, | ALMOST ONE YEAR WITHOUT MY BUNNY

‘All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.’

Helen Keller

When I first created, I’m NOT Disordered, a huge motivation to do so was that writing/typing is really beneficial for my mental health. I find it so therapeutic to be able to ‘get out’ a lot of thoughts and feelings that I’ve felt unable to verbalise or internally process. And to be honest, I genuinely believe I’ve lost that over the years, and I’ve slowly began to really prioritise my readers interests and needs. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that exactly – I’m more than aware that I (and my blog) wouldn’t be where we are today if it weren’t for all of you lovely people – but I think it’s equally right to remember why I started this. To ensure that I’m still benefiting from the time and effort that I’m putting into my content. And so, with that in mind, I decided to write a post just for my sake and I thought I’d still publish it to hopefully shed light on just how heart-breaking it is to lose a pet and to provide a level of comfort for those struggling with their grief to know that they aren’t alone…

“WHO ARE YOU GOING TO PRETEND TO BE?” | REALITY & MENTAL HEALTH | HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Taking your breath, stealing your mind

And all that was real is left behind

-        The Greatest show

With a key component of Halloween being that people don costumes and become someone else, I thought I’d play on that notion of an absence of reality and use it as inspiration for this year’s Halloween blog post…

IT STARTED WITH DISASSOCIATION…

The first difficulty I experienced in regards to reality, was when the abuse started in 2006 and I found myself constantly, desperately, trying to pretend it wasn’t actually happening and I think that a huge reason for this was that I’d known my abuser for two years before he started hurting me. It meant that everything I thought he was – all the things everyone else thought of him – was completely untrue. It was a lie. A cruel, deception that meant when he became the exact opposite, I was so shocked and surprised, that I questioned the entire reality of it! Partly as though he surely couldn’t be the same person, and partly because how could anyone do what he was doing to me?!

Out of panic and fear, whenever he called me or took me to his office, it was as though my eyes detached from my body and all of a sudden I was watching him hurt someone else. Some poor girl who couldn’t fight back. I just had to sit back and watch it happening from my new position on the ceiling – something which rendered my view ineffective when it finally came to reporting the abuse and the details of it, to the Police. It was kind of ironic that me detaching in that way, was very obviously a coping mechanism that my body had seemed to just naturally fall into, yet doing that, was actually hindering of me getting justice for the reason I disassociated.

TIPS FOR WRITING ABOUT HALLUCINATIONS | I WROTE A CHAPTER FOR THE PRACTICAL HANDBOOK OF HEARING VOICES – AVAILABLE TO BUY NOW!!!

Buy your copy: https://bit.ly/38P5yag

Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far

All I Know So Far – P!nk

 A good few years ago, I began collaborating with the author of the book Emily’s Voices (which you can buy here), and she asked me to write a chapter for the book she was in the process of writing; The Practical Handbook of Hearing Voices! The book was scheduled to publish a while ago, but the pandemic kind of put a spanner in the works and so I’m really pleased to say, it has been officially published TODAY!!

I wrote a blog post for World Suicide Prevention Day with advice for writing about suicide (you can read it here), and its popularity has encouraged me to write this piece in a similar format…

Find a metaphor or expect a lack of empathy 

I think that when I discovered a metaphor for my auditory hallucinations not long after creating, I’m NOT Disordered in 2013, it was a real turning point in me feeling understood and that gave me the experience of an overwhelming sense of relief.

Without that metaphor, I experienced such a lack of empathy – which I attributed to the pure fact that no one could understand or appreciate what I was going through. And I believed this was the case because admittedly, even I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I didn’t have the words to form an explanation that I believed would be efficient and powerful enough so that others would understand. That might seem hard to believe considering I’m a blogger and all I do is come up with words to explain things! So I think that not being able to do that, really illustrates just how new, scary, chaotic, and unpredictable things were.

DEAR LUNA, | INTRODUCING MY NEW BUNNY!!!

“I want so much for you.”

Callie Torres, Greys Anatomy

Dear Luna,

Being a writer/blogger means that I typically find words fairly easily and so it take a lot for me to feel that I can’t find the right ones to get something across. And telling you how loved, wanted, and appreciated you are, is definitely one of those instances!

For – what felt like – a long time after losing my first bunny (Pixie) I believed I had reached the final decision not to get another rabbit. I thought that I had really considered the consequences and possible results if I were to get one, and I felt that having done so, I could conclude that it wouldn’t be a good idea – that the risks I’d have to take in getting a bunny, overwhelmed any possible benefits.

Obviously, all of that has changed! It’s been as though as time has gone by, the house has become more and more empty. As though that missing piece of the jigsaw – the piece shaped like Pixie – was standing out more and more… like a sore thumb! And sometimes it’s hard to say this sort of thing because I don’t, under any circumstances, want it to look as though having Emmy isn’t ‘enough.’ As though she isn’t a good enough part of the home to the point that I would want another pet! Well, that’s not true. Emmy is most definitely a loved, wanted, and appreciated little one, so it’s not a question about that. The thing is about wanting to have a bunny… 

BLOGMAS 2020 WITH I’M NOT DISORDERED | RECOMMENDATION THREE: ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS

Hello and welcome to recommendation number three in Blogmas 2020 with I’m NOT Disordered!

Today, the post is going to look a bit different… I wanted to talk a bit about organization and recommend some skills to help you to keep your affairs in order, but I thought what better to help than to create checklists and worksheets for you to actually use in your own life?!

I really struggle with my mental health when my environment and life in general are a mess! And sometimes my home (mainly my bedroom) doesn’t look tidy but actually, I know where everything is and it all has its own place. I think that a huge reason for me struggling with this is that – without my medication – I experience hallucinations…

When my mental health was at its absolute worst, I was experiencing four auditory hallucinations and seeing numerous ‘rabbits’ as a visual hallucination. And having so many ‘things’ in my life – things that weren’t even real(!) – just made everything feel cluttered and messy. For a long time, I felt that I had no control over the hallucinations because I didn’t think that they were a product of my own mind…

THE MOST MAGICAL MOMENTS OF MY LIFE | HAPPY HALLOWEEN WITCHES!!

But you can flip the switch

And brighten up your darkest day

Sun’s up and the colour’s blinding

Take a world and redefine it

Leave behind your narrow mind

You’ll never be the same

Come Alive – Greatest Showman

For Halloween last year, I published a blog post about the five most scariest moments of my life (you can read it here) and so this year, I had no clue on how to adapt Halloween into any theme other than scary! But talking about it to my Support Worker resulted in her coming up with the idea to focus on the magic element to Halloween! So, here are some of the most magical moments of my life…

THE 100,000 READERS PARTY 

In August 2015, I’m NOT Disordered reached 100,000 readers and on the 27^th I published a post giving thanks to those who I felt had helped me to reach the milestone (you can read it here). A few days later, I gave readers ten tips on ways to have the same success (you can read that one here) and then, finally, in November 2015 I was able to celebrate the achievement! I booked an event room in a fancy hotel in Newcastle, paid for a buffet, hired a photographer and a musician, had some merchandise designed, got all dressed up and invited all my favourite people – you can read more about the event and see all the photos here.

I remember being on the dance floor at the very end of the party – almost everyone had left and the staff were eager to start packing things away but the Musician was still there and one of my best-friends requested he play The Killers song Mr Brightside. She, another best friend, and I all started dancing and I just remember telling myself ‘be in this moment. Enjoy this.’ And I’ll never forget that moment and that feeling. The feeling that literally my entire body was filled with warmth, happiness, and love. I felt completely content and peaceful.

EVERYTHING I WANT MY ABUSER TO KNOW

This post has been a long time coming… I’ve written so many posts about abuse and how I feel toward my abuser but according to my research I’ve never actually written something aimed at him… I guess the obvious reason for this would be that I’ve been too scared with how hard it would be, and also the fear that it would bring forward a lot of memories that I might not be able to cope with. 


So why is now the right time to write it? I think that even though I’ve been unsafe recently, now that I know my medication is being increased, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and the hope that the increase will work, gives me the strength to write this post… 


I found out a long time ago that my abuser was reading my blog so there’s every chance that he’ll see this post and my words will actually reach the person they are intended for. On the chance that they don’t though, I hope that these words help other survivors of sexual abuse to see that the things they might be thinking of and the things they might want to say to their abuser, are echoed by other survivors. That having experienced something that can leave you feeling so completely lonely, we can be united in our achievement of having survived!

BLOGMAS 2019 – POST EIGHT : STIGMA & MISCONCEPTIONS | BEAUTY & THE BEAST PANTOMIME | IN COLLABORATION WITH THE THEATRE ROYAL NEWCASTLE | AD

Thanks to a poll on my Twitter back in November, my wonderful followers decided that I should publish a blog post and film a vlog every day for the entirety of December!

So welcome to December 8th…

I struggled to think of a subject to write about in this post because as usual, I won’t be doing a review of the pantomime. Like I said in Wednesday’s Jack And The Beanstalk post, there are so many media sites doing an awesome job at publishing straightforward reviews that I don’t think you guys need another one doing that! Also, this is first and foremost, a mental health blog so telling you my favourite parts of a pantomime would be completely irrelevant!

For those who don’t know the story of Beauty and the Beast; it begins with an enchantress disguised as a beggar lady. She approaches a Prince and offers him a rose in return for allowing her to sleep in his Castle to escape the storm. When he fails to look beyond her appearance, she casts a spell on him which turns him into a Beast and tells him that unless he meets true love before the final petal falls from the rose then he’ll remain that way forever. And then ‘Beauty’ comes along in the form of a local village girl! And that’s all I’ll say because I don’t want to spoil it for those who haven’t seen it!

I guess the point of the story is not to judge a book by its cover, through not holding a preconceived idea of a person and seeing beyond a person’s appearance by appreciating their personality and who they actually are. It’s also about being kind to others and treating people how you would like to be treat.

Here’s – what I believe – are the five most popular misconceptions in mental health and what people should know to eradicate these beliefs:

FOUR WAYS TO COPE WHEN THE PROFESSIONALS DON’T BELIEVE YOU

I wrote a post recently about the power of words; which was inspired by the recent battle I’ve had with two Psychiatrists who have accused me of ‘feigning’ the hallucinations I experience. When I was talking to my Mum about it, she told me to remember that the most important people believe me and not to let what was said deter me from talking when I struggle. I told her that I wouldn’t let it; and that instead, I’d use it as inspiration for a blog post to try and ensure that others don’t let similar attitudes and comments impact them in the hugely negative and detrimental way that they have the potential to.


Mental health will likely always be surrounded by stigma but even if one day it is not, people who speak up and talk openly about their mental health problems will always be brave and courageous. This makes it so important and essential that when someone comes forward about their struggles they are met with a positive, supportive, and empathetic response. To be accused of lying or ‘making up’ their experiences can be incredibly debilitating and promote the idea that services aren’t the source of support that they should be. This can leave you feeling alone, and you might find yourself desperately searching for coping strategies to deal with the professionals’ disbelief. I hope that this post can help people avoid resorting to negative, unsafe coping mechanisms…

DEAR SERVICES, DO YOU KNOW THE POWER OF YOUR WORDS? | "DO YOU KNOW WHAT FEIGNED MEANS?"

Can’t you forgive me?

At least just temporarily

I know that this is my fault

I should have been more careful

Ariana Grande – One Last Time

These last two weeks have been so chaotic that I’m completely lost as to what has happened when because I’ve self-harmed so many times but on each of my hospitalizations (I think I’m on about four now) something has happened to inspire this post. 


On one of my hospital stays everything had been going well – I was telling staff when I was struggling, co-operating with the treatment for the overdose I’d taken, and keeping myself safe whilst I was in the Hospital. Then a Nurse – who I’ve met and had a similar dealing with before – made a comment about me ‘wasting a bed’ because she said that it was my own fault I was there. This comment – her words and attitude – saw me refusing the final blood tests and discharging myself. On my way out, I considered not telling the Sister and Doctor what she had said because I was a bit ashamed to admit that I’d let her comment get to me and a part of me always thinks ‘if you’re going to be open and honest about your mental health then you have to expect at least one response like that.’ Of course, it shouldn’t be that way; but the reality of mental health is that there are still people who hold that stigma and prejudice against those who are battling against it. I think that there’ll have to be a time when we recognize that no matter how many people - and how many followers they have – join the fight, we most likely can’t change the world.

AN IN-DEPTH LOOK INTO AN OVERDOSE | WHAT I THOUGHT, HOW I FELT, & WHAT HAPPENED

I almost couldn’t believe what I was saying when the lady in the shop asked why I’d passed out and I said that I’d gradually been overdosing on Co-Codomol since the previous day. You’d think that if anything, I’d be used to saying it and maybe even become quite ‘glib’ about it; but actually, it doesn’t get any easier – it still hurts to admit that you were so desperate to escape the hallucinations and memories of abuse that you tried to kill yourself. And it isn’t just with family and friends; I’m also ashamed and pained to tell Doctors, Nurses, and other professionals that I’ve ‘done it again’ because, I know it’s a very common thought process around mental health, but I actually wouldn’t blame someone for thinking me ‘weak’ for coping in such a way. Some people look at suicide as the ‘easy way out’ and I don’t blame them for misunderstanding something so scary and intimidating as going against all human instinct for survival and taking your own life. 

Telling the lady in the shop turned out to be a mistake because she called an Ambulance and when I refused to go to hospital with them, the Paramedics called the Police and I was told it was either put my seatbelt on in the Ambulance or put on handcuffs in the Police car; and so, of course, I fastened my seatbelt! Part of my refusal was because I wanted the overdose to work and for it to kill me, but a bigger part of it was about not wanting to upset the auditory hallucinations who were telling me not to go to the Hospital. I’d already bartered with them to hurt myself over hurting the people and things the voice was telling me to hurt; so, there could be no more compromising with it. I was no longer in control; my health, my thoughts, my feelings, my relationships… the voice owned them all. Agreeing to go to hospital, however, was much easier when it was the result of a threat from the Police and not my own volition.

“I DIDN’T PRESCRIBE THEM; YOU DID!” | A DISCUSSION ABOUT PSYCHIATRIC MEDICATION

I remember being discharged from the Psychiatric Hospital after my first admission in 2009 and it felt like everyone thought I was better now, and I would never try to kill myself again. Of course, I knew that wasn’t the case; because I could feel that darkness inside of me and I knew it wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. So, when I attempted suicide again and refused the medical treatment for it, I wasn’t really surprised. What did surprise me, though, was when the entire Mental Health Act assessment team came to my Mum’s house to section me!

My Mum had tried to convince me to go to A&E for the antidote to the paracetamol overdose, but I’d refused, and she’d called the Crisis Team. I just remember professionals sat around the living room asking me questions and then I went to my bedroom and the next thing I knew the Psychiatrist from my first admission was there and telling me that he was going to sign the section papers. I remember him sitting in my very pink bedroom and saying; “I think it’s time we start some medication for you at my Hospital.” I joked that it wasn’t ‘his’ Hospital and he led the way downstairs for me to watch the papers be signed and eight Police officers filed in to take me to their van to go to A&E for the medical treatment first. When we got there, there were four support workers from the local Psychiatric Hospital ready to make sure I had the treatment (a drip that takes over twenty hours to administer) and right from the offset I was medicated! I tried to run from A&E and was given a sedative injection and as soon as I’d woken up after it, I was trying to tear the drip out and was given another. I think it took about five injections for me to complete the treatment and be transferred to the Psychiatric Hospital to begin an anti-psychotic medication.

TOP TIPS FOR COPING WITH HALLUCINATIONS | IN COLLABORATION WITH PETS AT HOME GATESHEAD | AD

https://www.instagram.com/petsathome_gateshead/

https://www.facebook.com/PetsAtHomeGateshead/

I was in the Gateshead Pets At Home store when I saw two VERY cute lionhead bunnies and I immediately felt so appreciative; because I knew that everyone could see them. It wasn’t just me. They weren’t hallucinations. I wasn’t hallucinating (for new readers, to find out more about the rabbit hallucinations, read this post). To verify this, I asked a Supervisor; Joanne, if I could hold one of their bunnies and as I stroked its fur, I told myself to take in every single hair and be grateful that I could do so. It seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve had to use my own lop-eared, Lionhead bunny; Pixie, as a grounding technique for the hallucinations so when I saw these bunnies I realized that I could still use her, but as a way to make myself more thankful and appreciative that the hallucinations have finally stopped.


It made me think about how much I wish I’d had a fellow service user give me tips on coping with hallucinations  - it was all well and good having a professional teach me healthy and safe coping strategies but how could they really understand what would work? Their advice was based on studies of how others have responded to their tips, and not their own experience. I hate the thought of others feeling this way, so I thought about what I could do to make a difference and to help stop at least one person from thinking those things… So, here’s some tips and tricks of methods I’ve used to help me cope with my hallucinations; I’m not saying they’re going to work for everyone but if one of them works for one person then writing this post was worthwhile.


(I hope that you can use these tips for all kinds of hallucinations!)

"I HAD BEEN HOSPITALIZED BY PEOPLE THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME" | A GUEST POST BY PETER MCDONNELL

I saw Aimee’s recent post about her experiences with suicide which I found insightful and I’m sure it will help lots of people. It got me thinking that if I could write a similar article about my own experiences then maybe it could help people too. 

It is not really a grey area for me at the moment. I drive my car underneath the bridge I chose to jump from in 2002 many times a week and it doesn’t affect my mood. If people around me are discussing suicide stuff I feel like I have something to add to the conversation but I’m lucky in that it doesn’t trigger anything negative, although driving underneath the bridge is a bit weird to think “Wow. I jumped off that once.” 

I jumped from a 25-foot-high road bridge in 2002 with the intention of killing myself. I broke my back – three lumbar vertebrae, and both wrists, and spent ten weeks in hospital. I had to lay still for eight weeks and after 12 weeks I was completely recovered, though I have an increased chance of arthritis in later life. One of my colleagues I worked with at a mental health training and consultancy company 2007 – 2011 did the same thing and has been unable to move from the neck down ever since. So, I do feel quite lucky. 

HOW IT REALLY FEELS TO BE SUICIDAL

So, I began writing this post and things became a little familiar, so I went back through recent posts and lo behold there was one on suicide from less than two months ago! I debated doing another but decided that since the previous one was so popular and that I’ll be writing this one with different/new content and in a different format, maybe I can get away with it…?!

After having consulted on Richmond Fellowship’s Social Media Guidelines, I was recently asked to look at the Suicide Prevention Policy to provide comments on the different aspects of it. In completing the feedback form, I realized that it must be difficult for organizations to devise such policies when the chances are that the majority of staff developing these actually don’t have any experience in what they’re trying to prevent. And I guess that’s why Richmond Fellowship consult with Service Users – they recognize that we can provide an insight into such a difficult topic that could better their care of others. Thinking up signs that a person is feeling suicidal, has the potential to save the life of someone exhibiting those signs who staff might have previously ‘overlooked.’ And sometimes there are signs that only someone who has experienced feelings of suicide can point out.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PEOPLE SLIPPING THROUGH THE NET

“We are billions of beautiful hearts, and you sold us down the river too far, what about us? What about all the times you said you had the answers?”

-          P!NK – What About Us

Once upon a time, I was one of you…

I remember the very first time I overdosed and all of the professionals (Doctors, Nurses, Psychiatrists, Social Workers etc) were so concerned because from the outside, it came from nowhere. No one knew about the abuse. No one knew about the voices. No one knew why I would overdose. No one knew why I would want to be dead. So understandably, everyone panicked, and I was immediately sectioned before I’d even gone through the A&E process! The initial concern and panic lasted for about two more admissions/overdoses before they replaced it with the ‘she’s-such-a-time-waster-and-attention-seeker’ attitude!

MY CURRENT FEELINGS ON THE ABUSE

A little while ago a reader asked me how I’d come to terms with the abuse – how I’d come to accept it and it got me thinking…

Can you ever ‘accept’ abuse?

And what does it mean to have ‘accepted’ it? Does it make it ok?

I think that what the reader meant by ‘accept’ was how I’d moved on from it. How I’d come to be unstuck from the flashbacks and memories.

Being in ‘recovery’ is – I think – about being safe with your emotions. Having the power to resist any thoughts or urges to self-harm; because it’s not that you don’t have them anymore. It’s that they don’t control you. Your life. Your relationships with loved ones. Your hobbies and free-time. Your work. Your confidence. So, I think that becoming safe with my thoughts and feelings has had a huge impact on my ability to move on from the abuse because it’s allowed me the opportunity to feel all the emotions, I’d been either blocking out, or overwhelmed by, since it started in 2006. And over the years, I’ve learnt – with the help of professionals – that a lot of my hallucinations come from pent up thoughts and emotions. It’s almost as though my brain becomes so overwhelmed with all these secret feelings that it just breaks and that creates a hallucination! I think I’ve become safe with my emotions around the abuse because of two things; medication, and sheer hard work!

HOW IT FEELS WHEN THE VOICES HAVE GONE

re·lief

[rəˈlēf]

NOUN

1.       a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.

2.       assistance, especially in the form of food, clothing, or money, given to those in special need or difficulty.

3.       a person or group of people replacing others who have been on duty.

4.       the state of being clearly visible or obvious due to being accentuated in some way

I don’t know if anyone can remember but I once wrote a post when I’d been struggling with auditory hallucinations and I talked about how it feels after I’ve taken Lorazepam and it kicks in and the voices go. I explained that before the medication it was as though there’d been stormy seas in my head and when the sedative had kicked in, the waves were calm and quiet, and everything was peaceful.