A POEM FOR MY (ALMOST) STEP-DAD! | HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY BEAR!

DAY TWENTY-TWO OF BLOGMAS UNBOXED 2023: PHOENIX COVE ITEMS FOR MY BEST-FRIEND & HER FAMILY & A GIFT GUIDE FOR FAMILIES | IN COLLABORATION WITH PHOENIX COVE

PhoenixCove - Etsy UK

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Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!

This post was inspired by all the special, handmade gifts, I bought from Phoenix Cove for my best-friend; Sophie, her husband (Craig), and daughter (Freya), which I'll show you now, and then I thought I would also put together this little gift guide of presents that can be given to entire families in order to save on buying individual gifts…

DAY SEVEN OF BLOGMAS UNBOXED 2023: ITEMS FOR MY MUM & A CHAT ABOUT HER SUPPORT THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE JOURNEY AS A BLOGGER | IN COLLABORATION WITH PHOENIX COVE

PhoenixCove - Etsy UK

https://www.instagram.com/phoenixcove.co/

https://www.facebook.com/phoenixcove.co

https://www.tiktok.com/@phoenixcove.co

Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!

 I honestly – I don’t even care how stereotypical this sounds – can’t believe the first week of Blogmas Unboxed and December 2023, is done! How fast did that go?! Or just me?! So, today, I’ve chosen to blog about the items from Phoenix Cove that I had made for my Mum; a lovely gift tag, and a beautiful wooden keyring with a connecting design with ‘Like Mother, Like Daughter’ featured (which you can buy here). So, in keeping with this gift, I was inspired to talk about how helpful and supportive my Mum has been throughout the entire process of creating maintaining, and publicising my blog; including in creating Blogmas Unboxed and writing and then hosting a party for my new book; titled ‘You’re NOT Disordered: The Ultimate Wellbeing Guide for Bloggers’ (which you can buy here!)…

DAY SIX OF BLOGMAS UNBOXED 2023: A CHAT ABOUT SPENDING EQUAL TIME WITH LOVED ONES, SOME PHOTOS, A REEL, & MY PURCHASES FROM MY TWO TRIPS TO WHITLEY BAY’S CHRISTMAS MARKET AT THE SPANISH CITY | IN COLLABORATION WITH PHOENIX COVE

PhoenixCove - Etsy UK

https://www.instagram.com/phoenixcove.co/

https://www.facebook.com/phoenixcove.co

https://www.tiktok.com/@phoenixcove.co

Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!

 Last year, I visited the Whitley Bay Christmas Market in their lovely building known as the Spanish City with a best-friend and we had such a good time that we decided to go back this year. Then, in hearing how amazing it was, my Mum wanted to go too so I ended up visiting it on the Saturday (25^th November) with Martin Baker of www.gumonmyshoe.com and then on the Sunday (26^th) I went with my Mum. Doing those two trips has inspired me to chat a bit about the importance and challenges you face in trying to spend equal amounts of time with each of your loved ones. I’ll also be adding some photos from the Markets, telling you about my purchases, and there’ll be an Instagram reel at the end of the post…

HOW I’VE MADE IT THIS FAR | MY NEW BOOK IS AVAILABLE TO BUY NOW!!! | PART 1 OF 4

Buy You’re NOT Disordered NOW!!

*This post is the first of 4 which will be published every day for the following 3 days!*  

If you’ve read I’m NOT Disordered for a while or have seen the cover graphic to the left of the blog posts, then you’ll probably know that I released a book a few years ago called Everything Disordered (which you can also buy on Amazon - just click on the cover!) and I was honestly worried that having already written a book, the importance and meaning would be taken away in publishing another. Fortunately, the entire process of YND – from having the idea for it to the publication party and everything in between! – has (for so many reasons) felt massively different from that which I experienced with my first book. And one of the largest differences has been the sense of achievement and the notion that it really is a true testament to the progress I’ve made; both in my blogging career and in my mental health recovery journey…

BUDGET BLOGMAS | DAY FIFTEEN: BUDGET GIFT GUIDE: FAMILY | IN COLLABORATION WITH PRETTY PERFECT PRODUCTS

 Hello and welcome to I’m NOT Disordered’s Budget Blogmas!

I’ve decided to use today to share with you all a little gift guide filled with a range of gifts for all the family members in your life, and for a whole range of budgets! 

Family Tree Photo Frame: £32.99

Kids Vs Parents Game: £14.99

Reindeer Toss Game: £4.99

Man and Woman Aprons: £14.99

Personalised Cushion: £22.95

 

DEAR LUNA, | INTRODUCING MY NEW BUNNY!!!

“I want so much for you.”

Callie Torres, Greys Anatomy

Dear Luna,

Being a writer/blogger means that I typically find words fairly easily and so it take a lot for me to feel that I can’t find the right ones to get something across. And telling you how loved, wanted, and appreciated you are, is definitely one of those instances!

For – what felt like – a long time after losing my first bunny (Pixie) I believed I had reached the final decision not to get another rabbit. I thought that I had really considered the consequences and possible results if I were to get one, and I felt that having done so, I could conclude that it wouldn’t be a good idea – that the risks I’d have to take in getting a bunny, overwhelmed any possible benefits.

Obviously, all of that has changed! It’s been as though as time has gone by, the house has become more and more empty. As though that missing piece of the jigsaw – the piece shaped like Pixie – was standing out more and more… like a sore thumb! And sometimes it’s hard to say this sort of thing because I don’t, under any circumstances, want it to look as though having Emmy isn’t ‘enough.’ As though she isn’t a good enough part of the home to the point that I would want another pet! Well, that’s not true. Emmy is most definitely a loved, wanted, and appreciated little one, so it’s not a question about that. The thing is about wanting to have a bunny… 

WHY I’M GRATEFUL FOR MY MAMA BEAR | HAPPY FATHERS DAY 2021

“If I know what love is, it is because of you.”

Hermann Hesse

I think this might actually be a I’m NOT Disordered first – a blog piece in celebration of Father’s Day! Of course, the most obvious reason for the lack of posts marking this Day is that my Dad is nowhere to be seen! So, in my opinion, if my Mum plays both roles; why shouldn’t she celebrate on both of the special Days devoted to parents? Having never written a post for Father’s Day, I feel the pressure that this piece should be really special; so hopefully I’ve accomplished that in talking about why I’m so grateful for my Mum…

My idyllic childhood:

When I was fifteen and the abuse began, it instantly felt as though so much of my time and energy was going into remembering those horrific six months that I didn’t have any effort left to dedicate to remembering all those years before it… This was so sad and disappointing because I knew my childhood had been so lovely and uneventful that I wanted memories of that time to comfort me on the occasions when I would remember the abuse.

A few times – and for multiple reasons – my Mum has questioned whether she’s given me a good childhood and a good upbringing. I honestly don’t think ‘yes,’ or words to that effect, will ever feel good enough and proportionate to just how good my childhood was. So, I’ve found the worthiest response is to assure her that when I eventually have children, I would want them to have the exact same childhood. I would want to bring them up the same way – with the same innocence, fun, generosity, kindness, love, laughter, and positivity.

DESIGNING A LINE FOR BANDANA BOWTIQUE & FAVOURITE PHOTOS | CELEBRATING MY CAT’S TWO YEAR ADOPTAVERSARY | AD

*this post is in partnership with Bandana Bowtique*

Just over two years ago my fluffy Maine Coon cat; Dolly, was put to sleep and my lop-eared, Lionhead bunny; Pixie, and I quickly realised that we needed a third member for our family to feel whole. Losing Dolly definitely bonded Pixie because I felt that she was the only one to really understand what it meant to go through that loss. But Pixie was missing having a friend, she would follow me everywhere and was constantly wanting cuddles. And I missed having a cat in my life because I’d had at least one for over ten years (there’d been a family cat while I was living with my Mum)!

So, within a week of losing Dolly, I began looking for a new addition to the family and my Mum came across Emmy (known as Jennifer at the Adoption Centre) on Facebook! Seeing her photo, I had the exact same instinct I’d had with Dolly in that I was absolutely certain that she was meant to be a part of our family. And seeing her very unique markings, I felt a sort of kinship to her because I’ve always felt that my mental health and experiences have made me different and have left me feeling very aware of that. So I felt some sort of empathy for Emmy and immediately decided to visit Willows Cat Adoption Centre… here’s a video of our first meeting:

HOW TO COPE WITH FEELINGS OF ABANDONMENT

‘Do you have an intense fear of being left alone, which causes you to act in ways that, on reflection, seem out of the ordinary or extreme, such as constantly phoning somebody (but not including self-harming or suicidal behaviour)?’

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/diagnosis/

When I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in 2009, the diagnostic criteria were that you answer experience five out of nine symptoms. These symptoms are unstable relationships, losing a sense of self, engagement in impulsive activities, suicide attempts or self-harm, severe mood swings, feelings of emptiness, intense anger, hallucinations or ‘disordered thoughts’ and finally, a fear of abandonment. (Note: Please don’t use that list to self-diagnose, always seek professional advice.)

I rarely blog about my family because I respect their privacy, but my Father is a huge reason why my fears of abandonment are so overwhelming and intense. It’s actually a bit cliché though; my parents divorced when I was a baby, and when my Mum and I moved away my Father never once tried to contact me. I would never say that I missed out on anything though – I mean, you can’t miss something you’ve never had(!), but I do wonder what it would have been like. What my life would have been like. 


At the same time though, I am full of admiration for my Mum being a single-parent and raising me the way that she did, and I hope to one day be as good a Mum as her!

BLOGMAS 2019 – POST NINETEEN : LALEELAND LDN | ETSY COLLABORATION | AD

Thanks to a poll on my Twitter back in November, my wonderful followers decided that I should publish a blog post and film a vlog every day for the entirety of December! 

So welcome to December 19th…

Today is all about my collaboration with one very special brand on Etsy, in this post I’ll be reviewing the products they sent to me and on December 23rd you can enter a competition to win these products and the remaining one that I’ll be reviewing in two days’ time!



This post is in collaboration with the incredible London-based Etsy store; Laleeland LDN who kindly gifted me a few products; namely the Serotonin and the ‘keep going, be brave, be strong’ bracelets but also some other bits that will be a surprise for the lucky competition winner!

For this post, I thought I’d concentrate on taking inspiration from the Serotonin bracelet which has a purple band and is made up of the chemical symbol for Serotonin (which I think is such a genius idea!). So, I’ll be talking about the top five things to make me happy…

1.    My Mum

Of course, Mum come first! For my entire life it has been Mum and I as a little team but boy, do we make a strong team! Hopefully, just saying that will help you to understand the magnitude of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away from home for two and a half years. To be honest, in the beginning, I think that I was so mentally unwell that it really didn’t hit me being so far away from Mum until a few months into my admission.


Getting leave to go home every so often wasn’t enough and it was so incredibly hard to then leave Mum all over again and go back to the hospital where I didn’t know when I’d next be allowed to leave (I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act).

BLOGMAS 2019 – POST THIRTEEN : YANA UK | ETSY COLLABORATION | AD

Thanks to a poll on my Twitter back in November, my wonderful followers decided that I should publish a blog post and film a vlog every day for the entirety of December!

So welcome to December 13th…

Today is all about my collaboration with one very special brand on Etsy, in this post I’ll be reviewing the products they sent to me and on December 23rd you can enter a competition to win these products and the remaining four that I’ll be reviewing every other day this month!

In recognition of the slogan on this YANA UK t-shirt (‘you are not alone’), I thought I’d take this opportunity to talk about finding your tribe of people who can help to make you feel less alone, and I wanted to recognize - and thank - the people who do this for me.


I was brought up as the only young person in a really small family with just five immediate family members – no cousins, one Aunt, one Uncle, one set of grandparents, and one (fantastic) parent. On the one hand this was brilliant because it meant that we had more special relationships and had the opportunity to have a varied support system with each family member bringing something different to my life. On the other hand, it also meant that any disagreements were magnified and tended to affect and impact the entire family.

BEHIND THE SCENES: CHRISTMAS ON A PSYCHIATRIC WARD

Even with the startling statistic that one in four people in the UK will experience mental ill health at some point in their lives, the chance that someone will be in a psychiatric hospital at Christmas, is minimal and I’d like to think that my blog is largely about providing insight into aspects of mental health that lots of people might not really comprehend. I hope that in doing so, it will help people to be a lot more understanding for those of us who do have these experiences. So, I thought it might be interesting to give readers an insight into what it’s actually like to spend Christmastime in a psychiatric hospital…

For new readers and to give a bit of background… 


Two years after being abused from 2006 until 2007, I began hallucinating and within ten days I became suicidal and took an overdose. I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act and spent the following three years in and out of hospitals – both medical and psychiatric. Finally, a Psychiatrist recommended that I be admitted to a long-term, specialist hospital and I began undergoing assessments with some such hospitals. The first two hospitals weren’t secure and wouldn’t accept my flight risk but when I heard that the third operated on timetabled day with intensive therapy, I refused to go. Then, in July 2012, I attempted suicide again and refused to have the lifesaving antidote to the overdose I’d taken so I was detained under the Mental Capacity Act and sedated to be put on life support for the duration of the treatment. When I woke up, the first thing I was told was that I’d be going to the psychiatric hospital I’d refused to go to, over 100 miles from home.

When I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act (1983) within twenty-four hours of being in the hospital, I realized that there was little chance of me being discharged before Christmas. Then, in November 2012, when I was recovering from an overdose I’d taken after going AWOL, I realized that there was equally as little chance of me managing to kill myself before Christmas too. So, I began preparing for my first Christmas away from home.

WHY IT’S ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE FAMILY

So, the other night I went to the Birthday party (with live music from We Steal Flyers) of my best-friend (Lauren)’s Mum (Julie) and a lot about the night inspired this blog post.

The Dewars
Since our regular nights out in 2011, Lauren and I have always said her family (namely her Mum, Dad, and Brother) are like a second family because I was constantly at their house and they treat me like a second Daughter! We were all always in Lauren’s room or the Kitchen, drinking vodka and laughing at YouTube fail videos and then there were the very few nights in when we’d watch Mock The Week, drink wine, and play with the dogs!

WHY I USED TO TEST PEOPLE

Draft number two of this post; here we go!


So, a very good friend of mine; Martin Baker, wrote a blog post recently titled ‘Or Maybe You Were an Asshole’ where he talked about people pushing one another away and I thought that based on my experience, I could maybe expand on it from a different angle…


One of the many ‘symptoms’ of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, but now called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) is unstable relationships.  I learnt of this when my diagnosis of BPD first became official and I began to research the Disorder then read about the numerous ‘symptoms’ that made up the diagnostic criteria (at that time). I might have learnt about it then, but I don’t think I’d ever experienced it in my life until I actually began to suffer from the mental health Disorder! Up until I my first overdose, my relationships with family and friends had always been stable and secure; if I made a commitment to them, I kept it. If I told them I cared about them, I meant it. If I wanted to show them how much I loved them, I did. 

HOW IT FEELS WHEN THE VOICES HAVE GONE

re·lief

[rəˈlēf]

NOUN

1.       a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.

2.       assistance, especially in the form of food, clothing, or money, given to those in special need or difficulty.

3.       a person or group of people replacing others who have been on duty.

4.       the state of being clearly visible or obvious due to being accentuated in some way

I don’t know if anyone can remember but I once wrote a post when I’d been struggling with auditory hallucinations and I talked about how it feels after I’ve taken Lorazepam and it kicks in and the voices go. I explained that before the medication it was as though there’d been stormy seas in my head and when the sedative had kicked in, the waves were calm and quiet, and everything was peaceful.

ALL OF MY THANK YOU’S FOR 2018 | HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

Previous New Years with I'm NOT Disordered:

2013/2014 featured a list (what I didn’t achieve from it, carried on to 2014/2015) but now, in 2017, I’ve now achieved/completed the entire list - 12/12!

2014/2015 was a list of goals for the year ahead – and if you go read it and are wondering, I did/have done 9/10

2015/2016 featured a short list of upcoming projects, plans, and goals for the year ahead.

2016/2017 I celebrated with a completely new design – I can’t believe I’ve had this new logo for a year! I guess I need to stop calling it my new logo! I also asked myself – and some others – two questions: 1. What was one of your favourite things about 2016? And 2. What one thing are you looking forward to in 2017?

To mark the end of 2018, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all those who have made the year so very special.

*To all those not specifically mentioned (you know who you are) I have an equal amount of gratitude for you too! But there’s only so long a post can be before people stop reading it!*

People:

Mum, thank you for: never straying from my side, always trusting me, playing with Emmy when I’m too tired to, putting faith and determination into my recovery, making the phonecalls that would make me anxious, the laughs and inside jokes, the hugs when I cry and the tears when you’re proud.  

GOODBYES - THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY

At 27, I think I’d still be classed as young but at the same time, it’s kind of expected – at my age – to have at least gone through some challenging ‘goodbye’ situations. I mean, I think you’d struggle to find a 27-year-old who could say they’ve never experienced the death of a loved one, or a relationship break-up. The sad truth is, goodbyes are an inevitable challenge in life. We will all face one eventually.

It’s difficult to rank the goodbyes I’ve faced into which was the most challenging because I don’t want to say one and for the others to seem meaningless or ‘easier’ to cope with. So I’m not going to talk about the goodbyes I’ve experienced in any particular order; no one experience was harder than the other – each of them were completely different and challenging in their own way…

A FORTNIGHT WITH EMMY

Every day you’re here,

I’m healing

-       Clean Bandit: Symphony

I’ve found that a lot of I’m NOT Disordered readers don’t follow me on Twitter or Instagrarm (my Facebook is private) so not everyone has seen my many photos of Emmy since I wrote my post when I got her two weeks ago today: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2018/10/readers-meet-emmy-wilson-willows-cat.html

Since October 15^th I haven’t had any thoughts to self-harm or heard any auditory hallucinations, so I feel like I’ve really been able to enjoy Emmy’s first few weeks here. I’ve actually been able to spend as much time with her as possible.

THREE REASONS WHY WE SHOULD ALL KEEP GOING | TW: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE

We are search lights, we can see in the dark

We are rockets, pointed up at the stars

We are billions of beautiful heats

- P!NK - What About Us

For obvious (I think) reasons, there have been times in my relapse where I’ve felt reluctant to go on with life and have become determined to end it. And yes, sometimes; I’ve tried to. More recently (like literally the last four days) I’ve begun to see some changes in my mental health from the medication getting back in my system and one of these has been finding – and then clinging onto – all the reasons why I shouldn’t die. All the reasons I deserve life. Deserve my recovery.

And now that I’ve learnt these three important reasons, I thought it was time to share them with all my lovely readers in the hope that it inspires others to find their own reasons. Their own rationale to fight back against all of those feelings of depression and all of those suicidal thoughts…