YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED...

You may have noticed a ‘slight’ change to I’m NOT Disordered! This change would be the logo and colour scheme!

There’s going to be a full blog post about the decision to do this, but in the meantime, there’s some lengthy, detailed content about it on my social media…

Twitter: @aimes_wilson

Instagram: @aimes_wilson 

MY BLOGGING GAME-CHANGER: CANVA | IN COLLABORATION WITH CANVA

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait.”

Paulo Coelho

When planning another blog post, I was looking through my archive and came across a post from way back in 2015 where I talked about all the things which had contributed to changes in my blog and blogging career in general (you can read it here). On reading it, obviously a lot has changed since then and because the post had actually proven to be fairly popular, I started to think of an updated version, and the first game-changer that came to mind was Canva, and so, this post is in collaboration with the incredible online design and publishing tool that has really helped me to bring so much more to I’m NOT Disordered…

*There's also an FAQ with Canva on my Instagram: @aimes_wilson*

HOW THE ABUSE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE

So, the inspiration for this post came after I first submitted the manuscript for my soon-to-be-released book; Everything Disordered, to Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP). There were a few changes and corrections needed in terms of the sizing and layout of the book (it has already been proofread by Emma Wharfe from St Oswald’s Hospice) and one of the biggest and most obvious change was the design of the books cover. Having made a little song and dance about the original cover design in using social media posts to build up the release of it, I was dubious about making the change. I was so worried that others would see me as inconsistent and unreliable. After speaking about my worry and think about it a bit more, I came to the conclusion that to feel the need to make changes in this way, shouldn’t be discouraged or belittled. At the same time, having been a completely intolerant person to change of any kind, I could understand others struggling with this…

HOW THE ABUSE HAS CHANGED ME:

1.    My childhood impression of the world was destroyed

I think the first big change in my life was a combination of my trauma – the abuse – and growing up. I had an idyllic childhood that was full of love and safety. I can’t remember anything ‘bad’ ever happening until I was fifteen and the abuse started. I’d love to give my children (if I have any!) a very similar childhood, but with one difference: I’d make sure that their schooling gave them better education around trauma and mental health.

2.    The self-harm response

I think whilst it’s more than understandable, for abuse and rape to have a hugely negative impact on a person’s mental health; I can imagine a factor to increase the risk of this happening, is when the victim (or survivor depending on which way you see it) lacks the knowledge to even determine the abuse to be wrong and to know what to do about it. I mean, I’ll probably always wonder whether knowing those things would have provided a level of stability in some way. As though knowing the words ‘rape’ and ‘abuse’ would aid me in the aftermath for my mental health. That maybe I’d have coped in a much safer way.

EVERYTHING THE ABUSE ANNIVERSARY HAS MADE ME THINK ABOUT

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I’m made of glass

Like I’m made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

Demi Lovato – Skyscraper

 

So, November 20^th this year, marks fourteen years since the abuse I experienced when I was younger, ‘began.’ Being in such a good place with my mental health has really meant that I can think about the anniversary and still feel safe. And, of course, I’m not the only abuse survivor to remember the dates it ‘began’ or ‘ended’ so I thought that writing this post would not only give those without this experience, insight and make them more knowledgeable when supporting someone, but that it would also show other survivors they aren’t alone in remembering these anniversaries and in the impact the dates have on them…

 

WHAT’S HELPFUL FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO COPE WITH THE ANNIVERSARY

Since the Pharmacy made a mistake with my antipsychotic medication and the hallucinations came back with vengeance, I really saw just how helpful medication is for my mental health and I appreciated how lucky I am to be able to say that. Before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) the mental health professionals – namely a few Psychiatrists – prescribed antipsychotic medication, but once BPD started being thrown about in conversations, everyone became unconvinced that medication was the right treatment. Of course, every illness (mental or physical) will have a recommended treatment and for BPD, it’s Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). In fact, professionals have gone so far as to say that medication – and hospital admissions – are something to be completely avoided when treating someone with BPD.

WHY MENTAL HEALTH IS TAKING A BEATING WITH THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC | IN PARTNERSHIP WITH CUMBRIA, NORTHUMBERLAND, TYNE & WEAR NHS FOUNDATION TRUST

This post is in partnership with the wonderful mental health NHS Trust for my area; CNTW (Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust) so at the end I’ll be including all of their links and one of their most important articles produced during this Pandemic.

I’d like to think I’m a pretty fair and balanced kind of person in that I can usually see a disagreement from both sides, so when I write blog posts and posts on social media I try to imagine the other side to it… You know, in my last post: ‘WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW DURING THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC,’ I talked a little about how people are feeling that they can’t talk about how the pandemic is affecting them because they’re sure that there’s someone ‘worse off.’ And I absolutely get it; I mean, there’s tweets about Grandmas dying alone because visiting in hospitals is suspended and people having their lives genuinely turned upside down to coincide with the UK lockdown regulations (which you can read here).

I think that the one common impact that the Coronavirus Pandemic is having on at least the majority of people, is on our mental health. People often make the mistake of thinking that to be struggling with your mental health, you must have some sort of diagnosis, but this isn’t true. Everyone has mental health in the same way that everyone has physical health, and you can struggle with your thoughts and feelings without it being you must have an official ‘label’ or disorder. Someone can feel sad without having a formal diagnosis of Depression. You can feel anxious without it needing to result in a panic attack for it to be worth talking about. And you can struggle with your mental health without needing to feel suicidal for it to be deserving of asking for help and support.

HOW MY BELIEFS HAVE CHANGED

I was talking to my Richmond Fellowship Tyneside support worker about the changes in my thought processes that she wasn’t aware of because we’ve only been working together for a short time and I realized that it might make an interesting blog post… As much as I hate the thought of people going through what I have, I hope that if there are people out there who have the same beliefs that I used to hold, then reading this might work as reassurance that you can get through it and come out the other side!

I will die young

This belief was such a huge role in my mental health deterioration that I had to discuss it in a Psychology session whilst an inpatient in a specialist psychiatric hospital. I had to put a lot of work into changing this belief and developing a replacement for it (in fact, I wrote all about my efforts here) because without that work, I was well on track to succeed at committing suicide. This belief spurred on my suicide attempts because it led to the thought process that eventually, one of them would work and I’d be free forever. Now that I’m happy and enjoying my life (for the most part!) I wish it could carry on for all eternity!



I deserved the abuse

This belief started literally immediately after the abuse did. Straight away I knew I’d brought this on myself. Though, I won’t lie; this was definitely an irrational thought because if I was confronted with it then I probably couldn’t provide much evidence to support it! I guess I just thought of myself as a generally bad person; and perhaps it being so irrational is what kept it so solid in my head. It meant that no matter what anyone said they couldn’t disprove my belief because there was nothing to really contradict! Eventually, I learnt that what was done to me says more about the person who did it than it does about me.