For more details on the event please go to here:
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/whiterose
The 'Time to Change Experience' Leeds
Hi people! I'm sure you've all heard about Time to Change's Time To Talk day on February 6th, if not then it's part of their new campaign highlighting that the smallest things can make the biggest difference to those with ill mental health. For the Time To Talk day, Time to Change will be having an event in Leeds at the White Rose Centre and it will be running on 8th February from 9am until 7pm. I will be one of the many volunteers in the shopping centre who are encouraging members of the public to have a chat about mental health whilst using the campaign materials and activities. So, if you're in area pop in and help fight stigma and end discrimination.
For more details on the event please go to here:
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/whiterose
For more details on the event please go to here:
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/whiterose
The 'attention-seeking' Rant
I think probably since I began this blog I always knew I'd end up writing a post with this subject; the phrase has played such a big part in my life and I have so many thoughts and opinions on it that I knew it would be a matter of time before I had the courage to write my rant. So here goes...
Attention seeking (also called drawing attention) is behaving in a way which is in pursuit of attention from others. Where such behaviour is excessive and inappropriate, the term is often used pejoratively in respect of childrens' behaviour in front of peers, or negative domestic interactions. Enjoying the attention of others is socially acceptable in some situations. In some instances, however, the need for attention can lead to difficulties and may highlight underlying ones.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_seeking)
So when did attention seeking become a negative term? Who decided it made the 'attention seeker' a bad person? These days it's used as an insult; people have rants on Facebook about others pictures being 'attention seeking' or even their statuses. But, if you use the correct definition of the phrase then the people ranting about 'attention seeking' are also attention seeking. They're ranting with the thought in mind that it'll cause some drama, hoping that people will 'like' it or that those the status is referring to, will realise and be embarrassed. Everyone is an attention-seeker and it's not necessarily a bad thing. . .
Girls who go out after making some sort of effort are trying to attract the attention of men or to make other girls jealous etc.
Girls who don't put any effort into their appearance - if this isn't usual behaviour then they're trying to get attention from concerned friends worrying why she hasn't got her make-up on.
Boys who put time into their appearance - the same applies.
People who dress according to the latest fashion, or even those who just put any thought into their outfit; are hoping to attract positive attention and receive compliments.
Kids who misbehave in school are hoping to get a reaction from someone...
Even this blog post is attention seeking!
Also, the phrase seems to be saved for people who can't understand or comprehend the way another is acting e.g. someone posting a personal status or making a massive effort for a night-out... Or even cutting and overdosing. People call these things attention-seeking because they don't know why someone is doing it but who's to say that the person posting that status has no one to speak to about these things and they just need to get them out to feel some relief, or that the girl with a fake-tan, extensions and high heels wasn't bullied in School for acne? And who's to say the person self-harming has no idea how else to get help, or even, that they have tried other ways and no one seems to care or bother? Having differences with people is normal and those who are different shouldn't suffer for that.
Being in mental health services, I've heard so many stories of people cutting, being labelled attention-seekers and therefore not offered help, who go on to attempt suicide either from the lack of support or to 'prove' they need help. All I'm saying is; consider things before you speak. You need to have some sort of understanding of the potential damage you could cause before speaking.
My point, isn't that I hate the phrase; it's that it shouldn't be used as a negative quality.
Attention seeking (also called drawing attention) is behaving in a way which is in pursuit of attention from others. Where such behaviour is excessive and inappropriate, the term is often used pejoratively in respect of childrens' behaviour in front of peers, or negative domestic interactions. Enjoying the attention of others is socially acceptable in some situations. In some instances, however, the need for attention can lead to difficulties and may highlight underlying ones.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_seeking)
So when did attention seeking become a negative term? Who decided it made the 'attention seeker' a bad person? These days it's used as an insult; people have rants on Facebook about others pictures being 'attention seeking' or even their statuses. But, if you use the correct definition of the phrase then the people ranting about 'attention seeking' are also attention seeking. They're ranting with the thought in mind that it'll cause some drama, hoping that people will 'like' it or that those the status is referring to, will realise and be embarrassed. Everyone is an attention-seeker and it's not necessarily a bad thing. . .
Girls who go out after making some sort of effort are trying to attract the attention of men or to make other girls jealous etc.
Girls who don't put any effort into their appearance - if this isn't usual behaviour then they're trying to get attention from concerned friends worrying why she hasn't got her make-up on.
Boys who put time into their appearance - the same applies.
People who dress according to the latest fashion, or even those who just put any thought into their outfit; are hoping to attract positive attention and receive compliments.
Kids who misbehave in school are hoping to get a reaction from someone...
Even this blog post is attention seeking!
Also, the phrase seems to be saved for people who can't understand or comprehend the way another is acting e.g. someone posting a personal status or making a massive effort for a night-out... Or even cutting and overdosing. People call these things attention-seeking because they don't know why someone is doing it but who's to say that the person posting that status has no one to speak to about these things and they just need to get them out to feel some relief, or that the girl with a fake-tan, extensions and high heels wasn't bullied in School for acne? And who's to say the person self-harming has no idea how else to get help, or even, that they have tried other ways and no one seems to care or bother? Having differences with people is normal and those who are different shouldn't suffer for that.
Being in mental health services, I've heard so many stories of people cutting, being labelled attention-seekers and therefore not offered help, who go on to attempt suicide either from the lack of support or to 'prove' they need help. All I'm saying is; consider things before you speak. You need to have some sort of understanding of the potential damage you could cause before speaking.
My point, isn't that I hate the phrase; it's that it shouldn't be used as a negative quality.
“after a while, it does actually become normal. You don’t
think that when it starts off; you think ‘how on earth am I going to cope with
this?’ But actually, after a while, it becomes your way of life”
Broken Boat - A Poem
Broken Boat
I set sail with no destination
In mind
My boat had no sense
Of direction
It didn't care which way
It went
As long as it was headed
For the rocks
It was tired
Tired of floating
Tired of being in pristine condition
It wanted an adventure
It headed for the storm
Feeling brave
But the waves were vicious
They left me battered and bruised
A broken boat
I set sail with no destination
In mind
My boat had no sense
Of direction
It didn't care which way
It went
As long as it was headed
For the rocks
It was tired
Tired of floating
Tired of being in pristine condition
It wanted an adventure
It headed for the storm
Feeling brave
But the waves were vicious
They left me battered and bruised
A broken boat
Young Minds VS Campaign has launched!!!
Hey people! The campaign I told you all I'm helping out on has been launched! In case you missed the post I introduced it in, this is what it's all about:
Following a consultation with 1,600 young people, YoungMinds Vs will be made up of five mini campaigns on their top five issues:
YoungMinds Vs Sexed Up – Fight the pressure (Campaign tackling sexual pressures)
YoungMinds Vs Bullying – Stop the rot (Campaign tackling bullying)
YoungMinds Vs No Work – Change the record (Campaign tackling unemployment)
YoungMinds Vs School Stress – Rewrite the rules (Campaign tackling school stress)
YoungMinds Vs No Help – make your feelings loud (Campaign tackling access to counselling)
Each issue will have it's time in the spotlight and when that happens I'll be doing a special blog post for whichever one that is. I'm particularly looking forward to the 'Bullying' and 'No Help' ones although I have already started drafting posts for each category and found I had quite a lot to say about 'No Work' and 'Sexed Up'!
I'll be posting various bits and pieces to do with this campaign on my Twitter so keep a look out for that (https://twitter.com/aimes_wilson), and if anyone wants to get involved...
http://www.youngmindsvs.org.uk/
Following a consultation with 1,600 young people, YoungMinds Vs will be made up of five mini campaigns on their top five issues:
YoungMinds Vs Sexed Up – Fight the pressure (Campaign tackling sexual pressures)
YoungMinds Vs Bullying – Stop the rot (Campaign tackling bullying)
YoungMinds Vs No Work – Change the record (Campaign tackling unemployment)
YoungMinds Vs School Stress – Rewrite the rules (Campaign tackling school stress)
YoungMinds Vs No Help – make your feelings loud (Campaign tackling access to counselling)
Each issue will have it's time in the spotlight and when that happens I'll be doing a special blog post for whichever one that is. I'm particularly looking forward to the 'Bullying' and 'No Help' ones although I have already started drafting posts for each category and found I had quite a lot to say about 'No Work' and 'Sexed Up'!
I'll be posting various bits and pieces to do with this campaign on my Twitter so keep a look out for that (https://twitter.com/aimes_wilson), and if anyone wants to get involved...
http://www.youngmindsvs.org.uk/
A Letter to the Crisis Team
[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation and self-harm]
I just thought I'd let you all see the letter I've wrote for my local Crisis Team. I want it to give hope to my MH readers who are in the community and might be struggling with the support- or lack of, that they're getting. You can see that there's still a chance you'll get the right support. Don't give up hope because a few professionals make some judgement errors; because in the grand scheme of things, are they worth it?
To the Crisis Team Manager,
Hi, my name is Aimee Wilson; you may or may not have heard of me since I’ve been told the Team have a new manager since I moved out of the area. I’m writing to tell you about my experience of the Crisis Team.
I’d like to say it was varied but it really wasn’t; I think there were about two members of staff on it that I had a positive response from. My worst experiences were after months of lectures that I should speak to someone before self-harming, I called the Team with a handful of paracetamol and was told ‘why don’t you paint your nails instead?’ Another time, the Police called the Team from my home and one of the staff actually put the phone down on the Officer. The PC ended up saying that if they continued to refuse to assess me then they’d 136 me so they had no choice. The people who were the least trained in the situation were the ones who wanted the best for me. There was even once that the Team told the Police that I ‘wanted’ to be sectioned. That made it sound like I was an attention seeker and to be honest, I felt like that was what the Team thought of me. The thing is, you all need to know how that feels; I felt judged and, since the Team are there for out-of-hours crisis, I was so worried that I was alone during the hardest parts of the day. In the beginning, when the Crisis Team were actually trying to help me, it was like having a comfort blanket – the knowledge that if it was 2am there was still someone there. Towards the end, it became the opposite as I would either hide my true feelings and struggles at night-time since I felt I had no support for them and then it would all come out during the day, or I’d feel so completely alone and felt all I could do was self-harm since there was no one to make me think of something else.
I think the worst thing that the Crisis Team ever did was to view my self-harm as a pattern. My Mum would call them to say I was missing and she’d be told ‘well she always turns up in the end.’ With behaviours that put someone’s life in danger, I’m not sure that looking at it as a pattern is the right attitude because how can you always be 100% sure that each situation will end the same way? And to be honest, the fact the Team would quite often take that risk with me, was an insult. It screamed that they didn’t care if it didn’t work out the way it usually did, they didn’t care if I did die because it’d be once less revolving-door service user.
I’d really appreciate it if you could tell the staff who have worked with me that I’ve been in ******, on a ward specializing in my diagnosis of BPD, for almost two years and I’m actually getting better! This place has literally saved my life and as much as I’d like to say that for the Crisis Team, I really can’t. I think the Team failed me, I genuinely do. Here’s what they were wrong about: I never wanted to be sectioned; I wanted to get better! Painting my nails was NOT a realistic alternative to taking an overdose. I would not ‘learn my lesson’ if my Mum threw me out of our home and, it wasn’t that being an inpatient made me worse. It was that the wards I was put on and the staff on them, made me worse. No one had any idea when it came to BPD, not just the Crisis Team but the acute wards too and it’s unfair that the care you receive is based on your diagnosis. I’ve heard that the Team have had specialist training in working with BPD and I genuinely hope its being put to good use because you might’ve all failed me, but I’m still alive. If you failed another person, they might not be so lucky as to find professionals who actually have faith in their recovery and believe they deserve it.
This letter, is not a formal complaint and it is not meant to instigate any investigations. I guess, I’m writing this mainly for my own peace of mind but it’d be nice to have the letter acknowledged and although I don’t ‘expect’ an apology, it would be lovely if you could simply realise that the Crisis Team didn’t help me as much or in the way that she should have and there is no excuse for this.
I just thought I'd let you all see the letter I've wrote for my local Crisis Team. I want it to give hope to my MH readers who are in the community and might be struggling with the support- or lack of, that they're getting. You can see that there's still a chance you'll get the right support. Don't give up hope because a few professionals make some judgement errors; because in the grand scheme of things, are they worth it?
To the Crisis Team Manager,
Hi, my name is Aimee Wilson; you may or may not have heard of me since I’ve been told the Team have a new manager since I moved out of the area. I’m writing to tell you about my experience of the Crisis Team.
I’d like to say it was varied but it really wasn’t; I think there were about two members of staff on it that I had a positive response from. My worst experiences were after months of lectures that I should speak to someone before self-harming, I called the Team with a handful of paracetamol and was told ‘why don’t you paint your nails instead?’ Another time, the Police called the Team from my home and one of the staff actually put the phone down on the Officer. The PC ended up saying that if they continued to refuse to assess me then they’d 136 me so they had no choice. The people who were the least trained in the situation were the ones who wanted the best for me. There was even once that the Team told the Police that I ‘wanted’ to be sectioned. That made it sound like I was an attention seeker and to be honest, I felt like that was what the Team thought of me. The thing is, you all need to know how that feels; I felt judged and, since the Team are there for out-of-hours crisis, I was so worried that I was alone during the hardest parts of the day. In the beginning, when the Crisis Team were actually trying to help me, it was like having a comfort blanket – the knowledge that if it was 2am there was still someone there. Towards the end, it became the opposite as I would either hide my true feelings and struggles at night-time since I felt I had no support for them and then it would all come out during the day, or I’d feel so completely alone and felt all I could do was self-harm since there was no one to make me think of something else.
I think the worst thing that the Crisis Team ever did was to view my self-harm as a pattern. My Mum would call them to say I was missing and she’d be told ‘well she always turns up in the end.’ With behaviours that put someone’s life in danger, I’m not sure that looking at it as a pattern is the right attitude because how can you always be 100% sure that each situation will end the same way? And to be honest, the fact the Team would quite often take that risk with me, was an insult. It screamed that they didn’t care if it didn’t work out the way it usually did, they didn’t care if I did die because it’d be once less revolving-door service user.
I’d really appreciate it if you could tell the staff who have worked with me that I’ve been in ******, on a ward specializing in my diagnosis of BPD, for almost two years and I’m actually getting better! This place has literally saved my life and as much as I’d like to say that for the Crisis Team, I really can’t. I think the Team failed me, I genuinely do. Here’s what they were wrong about: I never wanted to be sectioned; I wanted to get better! Painting my nails was NOT a realistic alternative to taking an overdose. I would not ‘learn my lesson’ if my Mum threw me out of our home and, it wasn’t that being an inpatient made me worse. It was that the wards I was put on and the staff on them, made me worse. No one had any idea when it came to BPD, not just the Crisis Team but the acute wards too and it’s unfair that the care you receive is based on your diagnosis. I’ve heard that the Team have had specialist training in working with BPD and I genuinely hope its being put to good use because you might’ve all failed me, but I’m still alive. If you failed another person, they might not be so lucky as to find professionals who actually have faith in their recovery and believe they deserve it.
This letter, is not a formal complaint and it is not meant to instigate any investigations. I guess, I’m writing this mainly for my own peace of mind but it’d be nice to have the letter acknowledged and although I don’t ‘expect’ an apology, it would be lovely if you could simply realise that the Crisis Team didn’t help me as much or in the way that she should have and there is no excuse for this.
A Leap of Faith!
For all you readers who have mental health difficulties and have kept them hidden or secret... I'd like to take you all back to the beginning of my journey at this Hospital. When I was told I'd be coming here, I decided I had to tell everyone because I knew it was a long-term Hospital and there was no way I could lie about where I was for so long. So, to all the secret sufferers; I hope the response I got for my confession on Facebook will instill some hope and confidence in you. I realise I can't guarantee you'll get the same but isn't it worth a go?
Aimee Wilson 13 July 2012 the stigma of mental health has meant I've not always been very honest with people who I'm not very close to but now things have gotten to a whole new level I've decided to announce to the world of Facebook that I have a mental health Disorder. It's now gotten to the stage where I've agreed to go into a residential treatment hospital in ********. I know this status will mean I find out who my true friends are and I'm finally ok with this because there is no shame in getting help or admitting to something like this. 'Judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are.' I refuse to accept any shit for this status and any abuse will be reported but I'm hopeful that my friends will be a lot more decent than to stoop that low.
National Service User Awards
I am pleased to announce, that after receiving about 200 nominations for the awards, my blog and I made it to the shortlist of 33 for the National Service User Awards 2014. I'm so pleased! I knew I'd been nominated but I genuinely didn't think I had a chance since there were so much other projects out there and the Awards are open to all service users; community, inpatient, high secure, open... Everyone. But I'm really happy just to be shortlisted because each shortlister has to do a 3-5minute presentation on their project so it'd be a lot of publicity for the blog!
The blog is up for the Outstanding Service User Achievement Award.
Anyway, you can get more info about the event here:
http://www.cygnethealth.co.uk/about-us/events/service-user-awards-2014.html
The blog is up for the Outstanding Service User Achievement Award.
Anyway, you can get more info about the event here:
http://www.cygnethealth.co.uk/about-us/events/service-user-awards-2014.html
What is a Mum?
It's loving your daughter unconditionally.
It's joining social networking sites purely to stay in touch with her.
It's shouting at people for being mean to her.
It's asking your daughter for fashion advice.
It's being convinced you've made mistakes.
It's using your new phone to send your daughter photos of the cat she misses so much.
It's making a massive decision because of your daughter.
It's finding wellies for her when it randomly snows.
It's not regretting the bad relationship because it gave you that daughter.
It's almost getting thrown out of church while your christingles are rolling around.
It's googling your daughter's diagnosis and not running from it.
It's stamping on her 'rabbits.'
It's showing an interest in everything she does.
It's knowing that when she's playing with her ears, she's tired.
It's genuinely knowing what's best for her.
It's sending her 'good luck' texts for Ward Round.
It's yelling at the school who are ruining your daughter's education.
It's getting her surprise presents right.
It's doing something you don't like to make her happy.
It's taking care of her pets when she's too poorly.
It's saving for her future because you believe she has one.
It's thinking she looks beautiful no matter what.
It's crying at every sentimental gift she gives you.
It's being there for all of the firsts.
It's keeping everything she makes you in Nursary.
It's putting your own life on hold to help your daughter with hers.
It's never having to pause and think about whether you should give up.
It's sending presents and letters of encouragement to her best-friend.
It's encouraging your daughter to take all of opportunities that come her way, no matter what it means to you.
It's sending her a parcel of Halloween-ness to the Hospital!
It's being completely honest and open with your daughter.
It's sending your daughter a card every single week she's in Hospital for.
It's rejecting professional's advice when it's to abandon your daughter.
It's believing your daughter can do anything she puts her mind to.
It's falling over and laughing in the Blackpool Primark changing rooms.
It's wanting to a part of your daughter's journey every step of the way.
It's making a bed beside hers in Hospital.
It's travelling for hours just to be with your daughter for a couple of hours.
It's fighting for your daughter when she's given up fighting for herself.
It's putting your daughter before everything else.
I love my Mum more than words can say and after this weekend and the past 22 (almost 23) years of my life, no amounts of thank yous will ever be enough.
It's joining social networking sites purely to stay in touch with her.
It's shouting at people for being mean to her.
It's asking your daughter for fashion advice.
It's being convinced you've made mistakes.
It's using your new phone to send your daughter photos of the cat she misses so much.
It's making a massive decision because of your daughter.
It's finding wellies for her when it randomly snows.
It's not regretting the bad relationship because it gave you that daughter.
It's almost getting thrown out of church while your christingles are rolling around.
It's googling your daughter's diagnosis and not running from it.
It's stamping on her 'rabbits.'
It's showing an interest in everything she does.
It's knowing that when she's playing with her ears, she's tired.
It's genuinely knowing what's best for her.
It's sending her 'good luck' texts for Ward Round.
It's yelling at the school who are ruining your daughter's education.
It's getting her surprise presents right.
It's doing something you don't like to make her happy.
It's taking care of her pets when she's too poorly.
It's saving for her future because you believe she has one.
It's thinking she looks beautiful no matter what.
It's crying at every sentimental gift she gives you.
It's being there for all of the firsts.
It's keeping everything she makes you in Nursary.
It's putting your own life on hold to help your daughter with hers.
It's never having to pause and think about whether you should give up.
It's sending presents and letters of encouragement to her best-friend.
It's encouraging your daughter to take all of opportunities that come her way, no matter what it means to you.
It's sending her a parcel of Halloween-ness to the Hospital!
It's being completely honest and open with your daughter.
It's sending your daughter a card every single week she's in Hospital for.
It's rejecting professional's advice when it's to abandon your daughter.
It's believing your daughter can do anything she puts her mind to.
It's falling over and laughing in the Blackpool Primark changing rooms.
It's wanting to a part of your daughter's journey every step of the way.
It's making a bed beside hers in Hospital.
It's travelling for hours just to be with your daughter for a couple of hours.
It's fighting for your daughter when she's given up fighting for herself.
It's putting your daughter before everything else.
I love my Mum more than words can say and after this weekend and the past 22 (almost 23) years of my life, no amounts of thank yous will ever be enough.
I Called For Help
I'm writing this from home; borrowed Mum's laptop to save the trouble of having to get mine out of security when I get back to the Hospital later on tonight.
So, my leave has been really lovely and then I went in the bath last night and I'm not sure how it came about... I burst out crying. My absolutely everything hurt. Physically and emotionally. It felt like being closer to the place my 'trauma' occurred was breaking me. It felt as though all of the hurt I felt there and then was somehow leaking into me again. As though it'd been stored up in the place it happened and could somehow leak out and into my body when I was close enough to it. I was in the bath (a place my voices have tried to drown me) and I had a razor... I called for my Mum. She thought I'd done something because she's so used to me being upset, self-harming and then calling for help. But I'd called for her first and she was so pleased - obviously not with the fact I'd needed to call for her and that I had racoon eyes (apparently my mascara is not tear-proof). But she was amazing; she said all the right things. She said what I was thinking that perhaps it was happening now because I talk a lot more and have talked a lot more about the 'trauma' and all of the complicated and contradictory feelings I had during and after it. When it first finished I was so scared to feel any of the feelings I knew were coming; I thought they'd kill me. Not literally, exactly, but that the emotions would be so overwhelming that I wouldn't want to be here and feel them. So I numbed myself. With piles of school-work. With alcohol. With unhealthy eating habits and when that all became useless and no longer served it's purpose the self-harming began. Sometimes, I would have numbed myself so much in overdosing, and then being judged by staff at the hospital, having a million needles and the sickness from the treatment, being restrained by Police or security staff, having my mental health assessed, disappointing and upsetting the people who love me most, that I stopped liking it. I started feeling too numb; I felt untouchable and invincible and it scared me that I couldn't feel even the positive emotions properly so then I'd put my pain on the outside to try to break a few walls inside, around my heart. Now, my walls have been pretty much bombed to smithereens and I know that feelings come and go. They can't kill you unless you let them. And if you just... Ride it out, it will stop and won't keep hurting as much. Then each time it does hurt, it will hurt a little bit less and it'll be a little bit easier. And since my defences are 'weak' now, everything is just flooding in and it's a bit of a shock to the system.
My Mum comforted me and stayed near-by while I bathed and I felt a lot calmer and reassured. I decided to take my sleeping tablet last night just as a protective factor to ensure there were no nightmares that might have impacted on today.
When I get back to the Hospital, I'm going to speak to the Psychologist, DBT facilitator and Ward Doctor about beginning my exposure therapy in going nearer and nearer to the location of my 'trauma' and then the pain will be even less when I'm the three miles away at my home. In the past, if I hadn't self-harmed at home after that it would've been because I was planning something for my return to the Hospital. And I'm not. And I don't even feel I need to. I don't want to either; I want to talk through it and make the situation better not just get rid of it in avoidance. I want to feel every single emotion that I should have been feeling this entire time. I want to get through it all and put an end to this thing once and for all.
So, my leave has been really lovely and then I went in the bath last night and I'm not sure how it came about... I burst out crying. My absolutely everything hurt. Physically and emotionally. It felt like being closer to the place my 'trauma' occurred was breaking me. It felt as though all of the hurt I felt there and then was somehow leaking into me again. As though it'd been stored up in the place it happened and could somehow leak out and into my body when I was close enough to it. I was in the bath (a place my voices have tried to drown me) and I had a razor... I called for my Mum. She thought I'd done something because she's so used to me being upset, self-harming and then calling for help. But I'd called for her first and she was so pleased - obviously not with the fact I'd needed to call for her and that I had racoon eyes (apparently my mascara is not tear-proof). But she was amazing; she said all the right things. She said what I was thinking that perhaps it was happening now because I talk a lot more and have talked a lot more about the 'trauma' and all of the complicated and contradictory feelings I had during and after it. When it first finished I was so scared to feel any of the feelings I knew were coming; I thought they'd kill me. Not literally, exactly, but that the emotions would be so overwhelming that I wouldn't want to be here and feel them. So I numbed myself. With piles of school-work. With alcohol. With unhealthy eating habits and when that all became useless and no longer served it's purpose the self-harming began. Sometimes, I would have numbed myself so much in overdosing, and then being judged by staff at the hospital, having a million needles and the sickness from the treatment, being restrained by Police or security staff, having my mental health assessed, disappointing and upsetting the people who love me most, that I stopped liking it. I started feeling too numb; I felt untouchable and invincible and it scared me that I couldn't feel even the positive emotions properly so then I'd put my pain on the outside to try to break a few walls inside, around my heart. Now, my walls have been pretty much bombed to smithereens and I know that feelings come and go. They can't kill you unless you let them. And if you just... Ride it out, it will stop and won't keep hurting as much. Then each time it does hurt, it will hurt a little bit less and it'll be a little bit easier. And since my defences are 'weak' now, everything is just flooding in and it's a bit of a shock to the system.
My Mum comforted me and stayed near-by while I bathed and I felt a lot calmer and reassured. I decided to take my sleeping tablet last night just as a protective factor to ensure there were no nightmares that might have impacted on today.
When I get back to the Hospital, I'm going to speak to the Psychologist, DBT facilitator and Ward Doctor about beginning my exposure therapy in going nearer and nearer to the location of my 'trauma' and then the pain will be even less when I'm the three miles away at my home. In the past, if I hadn't self-harmed at home after that it would've been because I was planning something for my return to the Hospital. And I'm not. And I don't even feel I need to. I don't want to either; I want to talk through it and make the situation better not just get rid of it in avoidance. I want to feel every single emotion that I should have been feeling this entire time. I want to get through it all and put an end to this thing once and for all.
What is a trauma?
It's believing you're completely alone.
It's when it's all about surviving every day and not living it.
It's thinking the pain will never end.
It's making yourself bleed because you think only you should be able to do that.
It's silently crying yourself to sleep every night.
It's wearing long sleeves to bed.
It's when the hunger pangs are to make you invisible.
It's thinking that the person hurting you the most is the only person in your world.
It's praying for someone to ask why.
It's contemplating an escape by any means possible.
It's hardening to love and passion.
It's hiding behind a brick wall.
It's convincing yourself it isn't even happening.
It's learning how to leave your body and it's pain behind.
It's trying to show people what's happening.
It's having too many secrets that your head feels physically full.
It's trying everything you can think of to cope.
It's wishing that you were making it up.
It's gaining trigger words, places, people, smells, sounds...
It's having something to have a flashback about.
It's worrying that even if it ends, the memories will kill you.
It's forgetting other people exist.
It's forgetting right from wrong.
It's doubting yourself and all of your thoughts and feelings.
It's hoping for another person's demise.
It's when the percentage on an alcoholic drink can never be high enough.
It's learning how much you want life.
It's becoming less naïve.
It's understanding what people are capable of and that it's not all people.
It's feeling failed by anyone who didn't know but learning not to blame them.
It's being made into a stronger and braver person.
It's when it's all about surviving every day and not living it.
It's thinking the pain will never end.
It's making yourself bleed because you think only you should be able to do that.
It's silently crying yourself to sleep every night.
It's wearing long sleeves to bed.
It's when the hunger pangs are to make you invisible.
It's thinking that the person hurting you the most is the only person in your world.
It's praying for someone to ask why.
It's contemplating an escape by any means possible.
It's hardening to love and passion.
It's hiding behind a brick wall.
It's convincing yourself it isn't even happening.
It's learning how to leave your body and it's pain behind.
It's trying to show people what's happening.
It's having too many secrets that your head feels physically full.
It's trying everything you can think of to cope.
It's wishing that you were making it up.
It's gaining trigger words, places, people, smells, sounds...
It's having something to have a flashback about.
It's worrying that even if it ends, the memories will kill you.
It's forgetting other people exist.
It's forgetting right from wrong.
It's doubting yourself and all of your thoughts and feelings.
It's hoping for another person's demise.
It's when the percentage on an alcoholic drink can never be high enough.
It's learning how much you want life.
It's becoming less naïve.
It's understanding what people are capable of and that it's not all people.
It's feeling failed by anyone who didn't know but learning not to blame them.
It's being made into a stronger and braver person.
The 'Young Minds Vs' Campaign
For a while now I've known that I'd like to have a career in fashion but I didn't want to forget about mental health since it has and will have had such a massive impact on my life. It's such a wide area though and there were so many possibilities that it took me a little while to finally realise that my passion in the area is with young people. Not just because I am one of them but because I was failed by a lot of professionals in my teenage years and some of it has attributed to how I am now. So I'd like to help change things for young people so that they get help and it's the right help when they first begin to need it and not when they self-harm and end up in A&E. There's also the fact that there is a massive gap in services; with CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health) taking people through to age 18 and adult services taking on the rest.... It's a massive jump for someone who has been used to the CAMHS system. Also, for people like me who didn't really exhibit much in the way of ill mental health until 18 so I went straight into adult services.
I have recently met with a worker for Young Minds (http://www.youngminds.org.uk/), which is the UK's leading charity committed to improving the emotional wellbeing and mental health of children and young people, and have agreed to Volunteer with them.
My first task is going to involve you guys... Young Minds are launching a campaign this month to coincide with their 21st Birthday.
Following a consultation with 1,600 young people, YoungMinds Vs will be made up of five mini campaigns on their top five issues:
YoungMinds Vs Sexed Up – Fight the pressure (Campaign tackling sexual pressures)
YoungMinds Vs Bullying – Stop the rot (Campaign tackling bullying)
YoungMinds Vs No Work – Change the record (Campaign tackling unemployment)
YoungMinds Vs School Stress – Rewrite the rules (Campaign tackling school stress)
YoungMinds Vs No Help – make your feelings loud (Campaign tackling access to counselling)
Each issue will have it's time in the spotlight and when that happens I'll be doing a special blog post for whichever one that is. I'll be posting various bits and pieces to do with this campaign on my Twitter so keep a look out for that, and if anyone wants to get involved...
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/news/blog/1764_ym_to_launch_biggest_campaign_to_date
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/about/our_campaigns/mass_movement_for_change
or if you have anything you'd like me to include in any of the five issue posts, drop me an e-mail at aimeewilson@live.co.uk
LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD!
I have recently met with a worker for Young Minds (http://www.youngminds.org.uk/), which is the UK's leading charity committed to improving the emotional wellbeing and mental health of children and young people, and have agreed to Volunteer with them.
My first task is going to involve you guys... Young Minds are launching a campaign this month to coincide with their 21st Birthday.
Following a consultation with 1,600 young people, YoungMinds Vs will be made up of five mini campaigns on their top five issues:
YoungMinds Vs Sexed Up – Fight the pressure (Campaign tackling sexual pressures)
YoungMinds Vs Bullying – Stop the rot (Campaign tackling bullying)
YoungMinds Vs No Work – Change the record (Campaign tackling unemployment)
YoungMinds Vs School Stress – Rewrite the rules (Campaign tackling school stress)
YoungMinds Vs No Help – make your feelings loud (Campaign tackling access to counselling)
Each issue will have it's time in the spotlight and when that happens I'll be doing a special blog post for whichever one that is. I'll be posting various bits and pieces to do with this campaign on my Twitter so keep a look out for that, and if anyone wants to get involved...
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/news/blog/1764_ym_to_launch_biggest_campaign_to_date
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/about/our_campaigns/mass_movement_for_change
or if you have anything you'd like me to include in any of the five issue posts, drop me an e-mail at aimeewilson@live.co.uk
LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD!
Dear Nurse,
It's bad again. Already.
The things he's saying... They scare me. No one has ever said these things to me. I keep busy but it just means I'm doing something while he's saying al these horrible things. I guess I should tell you what he says... It is still sometime about **** and *******. But the rest... Well I've always known he was the paranoid one but some of the things he says... He tell me Mr ***** is behind this entire thing. That he bought the building and hired all of your actors and actresses. He says my pills are to make me forget - that you're all making me take the medication so eventually, I'll forget anything ever happened to me. When sit down and think about it I know it's all lies but then he joins in (when I'm thinking about it) and everything I say to prove it's a lie, he says three things to undermine me.
The thing is, I get the feeling you're not all getting it. The majority of responses have been 'do you really think that's possible?' Imagine if I told you that you were growing to become a unicorn. You'd laugh. But then say you got a spot in the middle of your head and I told you it was the start of your horn growing. You'd still laugh but maybe after a few seconds. And the more I say, the longer you have to think about it before you laugh.
And don't forget I've also got three other people to please. Last night I had to put the animated version of Alice in Wonderland on for Harry, then I had to turn it up while I argued with Albert about Annie. So, I might be losing against one of them but I'm still fighting the other three. I just wanted you to know this and remember if when I ask for PRN.
Finally, my heard. It had already broken from *** and I'm at the point where I can't even talk about all the stuff in the news about his family. And now, a man I haven't physically seen in years has managed to smash the broken parts into a million pieces. And it hurts. It really bloody hurts. So much that ****** patting me on the back almost made me cry because it felt like my first human contact.
Staff say I isolate myself... Sometimes I have to, like when I'm being told to hurt others. Other times I do it to keep out of the Ward dramas. And I realised avoiding conversations with Albert, Annie, Harry and Henry won't have much use. I need to talk to them to learn their weaknesses and how we can live together more peacefully. I stay in my room in an attempt to control who else hurts me because I'm not all that sure how much more I can stand.
The things he's saying... They scare me. No one has ever said these things to me. I keep busy but it just means I'm doing something while he's saying al these horrible things. I guess I should tell you what he says... It is still sometime about **** and *******. But the rest... Well I've always known he was the paranoid one but some of the things he says... He tell me Mr ***** is behind this entire thing. That he bought the building and hired all of your actors and actresses. He says my pills are to make me forget - that you're all making me take the medication so eventually, I'll forget anything ever happened to me. When sit down and think about it I know it's all lies but then he joins in (when I'm thinking about it) and everything I say to prove it's a lie, he says three things to undermine me.
The thing is, I get the feeling you're not all getting it. The majority of responses have been 'do you really think that's possible?' Imagine if I told you that you were growing to become a unicorn. You'd laugh. But then say you got a spot in the middle of your head and I told you it was the start of your horn growing. You'd still laugh but maybe after a few seconds. And the more I say, the longer you have to think about it before you laugh.
And don't forget I've also got three other people to please. Last night I had to put the animated version of Alice in Wonderland on for Harry, then I had to turn it up while I argued with Albert about Annie. So, I might be losing against one of them but I'm still fighting the other three. I just wanted you to know this and remember if when I ask for PRN.
Finally, my heard. It had already broken from *** and I'm at the point where I can't even talk about all the stuff in the news about his family. And now, a man I haven't physically seen in years has managed to smash the broken parts into a million pieces. And it hurts. It really bloody hurts. So much that ****** patting me on the back almost made me cry because it felt like my first human contact.
Staff say I isolate myself... Sometimes I have to, like when I'm being told to hurt others. Other times I do it to keep out of the Ward dramas. And I realised avoiding conversations with Albert, Annie, Harry and Henry won't have much use. I need to talk to them to learn their weaknesses and how we can live together more peacefully. I stay in my room in an attempt to control who else hurts me because I'm not all that sure how much more I can stand.
The Voices
At the moment, I have this idea that if I can give you all some kind of insight into the way things are for me and for so many others out there who have mental health problems then maybe everyone will get a better understanding on them and the stigma might reduce.
So, this is what I hear when none of you are listening...
Harry
H: It's boring in here Aimee
A: It's night-time; we can't go out yet
H: What about a game?
A: Remember last time? I looked like a right wally playing Mouse Trap alone
H: *laughs* yeah you did!
A: What about a movie?
H: Yes, please! Oooo that cartoon Alice in Wonderland one?!?!!
*I put the animated version of Alice in Wonderland on*
Albert & Annie
Al: you haven't been listening to Annie recently.
A: so?
Al: why not?
*I shrug*
Al: well she wants to know why!
A: I don't want any more scars or needles and that's what happens when I listen to her
Al: she says you can't just blank her out
A: she's my hallucination and she's in my head so I think I can!
Al: she says you're getting too clever for your own good and that she'll leave you alone for now but she'll be back
Henry
me: I wonder what these scratches are on my chest
He: you.
A: excuse me?
He: you did them, silly. Don't you remember?
*shakes head*
He: well that's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard; you did it. You said you wanted to scratch your heart out to stick it back together but you fell asleep while you were trying.
A: That can't be right
He: Why would I lie?
A: I know but... why would I do that? And I think I'd know if I had!
He: you said He'd broke your heart and it was the only way to mend it.
A: oh... I was talking about that with the staff; about how no one can mend a broken heart but they can stitch up a cut... You're probably right then
He: of course I am and you're obviously not going to remember because you keep taking them silly pills from the staff... That's if they are staff... You're probably in one of them experimental Hospitals to see how mad they can make you
A: Don't be stupid. The Hospital has a website. And a proper history of people being discharged. Stop being paranoid over every little thing.
He: me being paranoid?! You're the one thinking that socket in the meeting room is feeding through a camera!
A: you told me it was!
He: and you believed me because you know I'm telling the truth so why wouldn't I be now?
A: you need to shut up because I'm not even listening to you
He: fine, let me know when you've forgotten where you are again and I'll fill in the blanks, since I'm a good friend who'll do that for you even when you treat me like this.
That was a tiny example of the things my four (and sometimes five) auditory hallucinations say. It isn't often that what they say changes... Other than Henry, at the moment. But this is just a record of one conversation... We probably have about 30-40 a day. Every day. So when staff say I'm 'isolating' myself in my room? Well, you can understand why I'd say 'I'm never alone.'
So, this is what I hear when none of you are listening...
Harry
H: It's boring in here Aimee
A: It's night-time; we can't go out yet
H: What about a game?
A: Remember last time? I looked like a right wally playing Mouse Trap alone
H: *laughs* yeah you did!
A: What about a movie?
H: Yes, please! Oooo that cartoon Alice in Wonderland one?!?!!
*I put the animated version of Alice in Wonderland on*
Albert & Annie
Al: you haven't been listening to Annie recently.
A: so?
Al: why not?
*I shrug*
Al: well she wants to know why!
A: I don't want any more scars or needles and that's what happens when I listen to her
Al: she says you can't just blank her out
A: she's my hallucination and she's in my head so I think I can!
Al: she says you're getting too clever for your own good and that she'll leave you alone for now but she'll be back
Henry
me: I wonder what these scratches are on my chest
He: you.
A: excuse me?
He: you did them, silly. Don't you remember?
*shakes head*
He: well that's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard; you did it. You said you wanted to scratch your heart out to stick it back together but you fell asleep while you were trying.
A: That can't be right
He: Why would I lie?
A: I know but... why would I do that? And I think I'd know if I had!
He: you said He'd broke your heart and it was the only way to mend it.
A: oh... I was talking about that with the staff; about how no one can mend a broken heart but they can stitch up a cut... You're probably right then
He: of course I am and you're obviously not going to remember because you keep taking them silly pills from the staff... That's if they are staff... You're probably in one of them experimental Hospitals to see how mad they can make you
A: Don't be stupid. The Hospital has a website. And a proper history of people being discharged. Stop being paranoid over every little thing.
He: me being paranoid?! You're the one thinking that socket in the meeting room is feeding through a camera!
A: you told me it was!
He: and you believed me because you know I'm telling the truth so why wouldn't I be now?
A: you need to shut up because I'm not even listening to you
He: fine, let me know when you've forgotten where you are again and I'll fill in the blanks, since I'm a good friend who'll do that for you even when you treat me like this.
That was a tiny example of the things my four (and sometimes five) auditory hallucinations say. It isn't often that what they say changes... Other than Henry, at the moment. But this is just a record of one conversation... We probably have about 30-40 a day. Every day. So when staff say I'm 'isolating' myself in my room? Well, you can understand why I'd say 'I'm never alone.'
What is recovering?
Recovering and not recovery
It's voluntarily changing the notes on your mirror.
It's requesting PRN medication.
It's asking for leave to go to College and not to give you the opportunity to run away.
It's standing up for yourself without being rude or argumentative.
It's taking your meds because they make you better and not because you have to.
It's choosing your battles.
It's looking forward to therapy.
It's wanting answers.
It's enjoying understanding things.
It's being ready to go back to that place.
It's wanting paracetamol for a headache and not to store it up.
It's recognising your limits.
It's thinking of positive coping strategies yourself.
It's crying when you need to cry and laughing the rest of the time.
It's fixing another person's mascara streaks and not your own.
It's being more excited for other people's birthday.
It's wanting to cope in a different way.
It's looking for reasons not to self-harm rather than excuses to be able to.
It's appreciating the people who are trying to help.
It's apologising and making amends with the people you've hurt.
It's having more banter with the Doctor than arguments.
It's acknowledging when you need help and support.
It's accepting help and support.
It's finding new and positive knee-jerk reactions.
It's not looking at it as a chore to keep in touch with people.
It's telling your Mum as much as you tell staff.
It's not being afraid of your emotions and feelings.
It's not wanting to act on your bad thoughts.
It's putting all your effort into keeping yourself safe.
It's voluntarily disposing of your goodbye letters.
It's taking every opportunity.
It's making the best out of every situation.
It's realising that people move on; they're not abandoning you.
It's learning what your hallucinations mean and why they're there.
It's accepting the things you can't change and trying to change the things that you can.
It's wanting to make those who have passed proud and not join them.
It's when it's no longer reassuring to have a stash of sharps.
It's having a best-friend that you give good advice to.
It's being able to imagine your future.
It's being excited by thoughts of your future.
It's advising people to get support and not how to self-harm and hide it.
It's thinking that not self-harming is the achievement and not the amount of tablets you OD on.
It's feeling thankful of the people who have saved your life.
It's realising that you don't owe those people anything.
It's sleeping because you're tired and not to avoid things.
It's waking up and not wishing you hadn't.
It's fighting against that every single piece of your body that wants to carry you to the nearest box of paracetamol.
It's protecting yourself from yourself.
It's removing all opportunities that could end badly.
It's doing the right thing because you want to and not because you should.
It's not giving up.
It hurts, and sometimes it feels impossibly hard and other times you feel like you're not getting anywhere at all but every day you do something that you wouldn't have while you were poorly, is a day that you're recovering. Enjoy it. Don't get too caught up on worrying about when you'll be recovered; enjoy the journey to the finish line.
It's voluntarily changing the notes on your mirror.
It's requesting PRN medication.
It's asking for leave to go to College and not to give you the opportunity to run away.
It's standing up for yourself without being rude or argumentative.
It's taking your meds because they make you better and not because you have to.
It's choosing your battles.
It's looking forward to therapy.
It's wanting answers.
It's enjoying understanding things.
It's being ready to go back to that place.
It's wanting paracetamol for a headache and not to store it up.
It's recognising your limits.
It's thinking of positive coping strategies yourself.
It's crying when you need to cry and laughing the rest of the time.
It's fixing another person's mascara streaks and not your own.
It's being more excited for other people's birthday.
It's wanting to cope in a different way.
It's looking for reasons not to self-harm rather than excuses to be able to.
It's appreciating the people who are trying to help.
It's apologising and making amends with the people you've hurt.
It's having more banter with the Doctor than arguments.
It's acknowledging when you need help and support.
It's accepting help and support.
It's finding new and positive knee-jerk reactions.
It's not looking at it as a chore to keep in touch with people.
It's telling your Mum as much as you tell staff.
It's not being afraid of your emotions and feelings.
It's not wanting to act on your bad thoughts.
It's putting all your effort into keeping yourself safe.
It's voluntarily disposing of your goodbye letters.
It's taking every opportunity.
It's making the best out of every situation.
It's realising that people move on; they're not abandoning you.
It's learning what your hallucinations mean and why they're there.
It's accepting the things you can't change and trying to change the things that you can.
It's wanting to make those who have passed proud and not join them.
It's when it's no longer reassuring to have a stash of sharps.
It's having a best-friend that you give good advice to.
It's being able to imagine your future.
It's being excited by thoughts of your future.
It's advising people to get support and not how to self-harm and hide it.
It's thinking that not self-harming is the achievement and not the amount of tablets you OD on.
It's feeling thankful of the people who have saved your life.
It's realising that you don't owe those people anything.
It's sleeping because you're tired and not to avoid things.
It's waking up and not wishing you hadn't.
It's fighting against that every single piece of your body that wants to carry you to the nearest box of paracetamol.
It's protecting yourself from yourself.
It's removing all opportunities that could end badly.
It's doing the right thing because you want to and not because you should.
It's not giving up.
It hurts, and sometimes it feels impossibly hard and other times you feel like you're not getting anywhere at all but every day you do something that you wouldn't have while you were poorly, is a day that you're recovering. Enjoy it. Don't get too caught up on worrying about when you'll be recovered; enjoy the journey to the finish line.
This is a Ward Round...
I wanted to give you all an insight into our Ward Rounds...
It starts with a Ward Round summary written by any given Nurse and at any given time though it's meant to be your Named Nurse and at least 24hours before Ward Round.
So, my summary for tomorrow (09.01) was written by my Associate Nurse and I had the option to comment on each sections. It reads like this...
My Mental Health Recovery
Staff Views: 'Suffered from hallucinations which lead to Aimee self harming by throwing herself from the toilet. Aimee wrote distressing things on her mirror but a day later removed this herself and replaced it with positive things. Aimee suggests she feels lonely.'
Service User Views: 'I did, under no circumstances, 'self-harm.' An hallucination promised to catch me but obviously I realised too late that he was an hallucination. Once again, you've all misunderstood, I was trying to keep myself SAFE, not, self-harming. I'd also say it was normal to feel lonely when you're miles from your family and best-friend!'
Stopping My Problem Behaviours
Staff Views: 'Aimee self harmed (above) and is eating minimal amounts. When offered tablet paracetamol as PRN Aimee refused and requested liquid!! :D'
Service User Views: 'As above! Also, my diet is obviously adequate since I am maintaining my weight!
Getting Insight:
Staff Views: ' Aimee finds it hard to distinguish reality from hallucination at times, but generally shows good insight into needs. Very poor self image.'
Recovery from Drug and Alcohol Problems:
Staff Views: ' No access to drug and alcohol on ward.'
Making Feasible Plans
Staff Views: 'Aimee has plans to work.'
Staying Healthy
Staff Views: ' Very little to eat. New glasses, so fewer headaches. Hip pain gone. Bruising easily. Good meds adherence.'
My Life Skills
Staff Views: 'Aimee has become very isolative but uses time on her own well.'
My Relationships
Staff Views: 'Good with mother. Continues to speak to Chelsea but declined to discuss how she was in an abrupt manner. Grandad getting married which may upset family, but Aimee is taking quite well.'
Service User Views: 'Me refusing to tell the entire ward how Chelsea is doing should, under no circumstances, be mentioned in MY ward round summary. Irrelevant! Also, my Grandad is engaged - that doesn't mean they'll get married.'
And then it's Ward Round...
I must admit, I had originally planned this post because, after reading my Ward Round summary, I had assumed there'd be some heated discussions in the actual meeting and that I'd have something to have a good rant about... Now though, this will be a good post in showing how unpredictable things are here because regardless of my summary, the Ward Round went fantastically! My Consultant asked about my Christmas home leave and I explained that it'd been a little harder towards the end but that I hadn't needed PRN or to come back early so he said that was a massive achievement. Then he asked what my requests were. I mentioned leave for College (I've applied for three courses that each run two hours a week) and the Nurse said it'd be hard to organise one of them because it's right on handover but my Doctor said that they should take into account that this is what they've been working for me to do and that I'm doing really well and it's important I get to do this. So he said to leave that with them. Then I got all my other leave written up; home leave next weekend (an overnight drop-off), leave to go to London on the 22nd for a conference, and home leave for my birthday (31st-2nd Feb). I also told the Doctor that I was using my PRN quite often and without hesitation or questioning they increased my anti-psychotic by 50mg.
It's times like this when you really see why it's important not to give up at the first hurdle and assume something will end badly so that you don't even bother trying.
It starts with a Ward Round summary written by any given Nurse and at any given time though it's meant to be your Named Nurse and at least 24hours before Ward Round.
So, my summary for tomorrow (09.01) was written by my Associate Nurse and I had the option to comment on each sections. It reads like this...
My Mental Health Recovery
Staff Views: 'Suffered from hallucinations which lead to Aimee self harming by throwing herself from the toilet. Aimee wrote distressing things on her mirror but a day later removed this herself and replaced it with positive things. Aimee suggests she feels lonely.'
Service User Views: 'I did, under no circumstances, 'self-harm.' An hallucination promised to catch me but obviously I realised too late that he was an hallucination. Once again, you've all misunderstood, I was trying to keep myself SAFE, not, self-harming. I'd also say it was normal to feel lonely when you're miles from your family and best-friend!'
Stopping My Problem Behaviours
Staff Views: 'Aimee self harmed (above) and is eating minimal amounts. When offered tablet paracetamol as PRN Aimee refused and requested liquid!! :D'
Service User Views: 'As above! Also, my diet is obviously adequate since I am maintaining my weight!
Getting Insight:
Staff Views: ' Aimee finds it hard to distinguish reality from hallucination at times, but generally shows good insight into needs. Very poor self image.'
Recovery from Drug and Alcohol Problems:
Staff Views: ' No access to drug and alcohol on ward.'
Making Feasible Plans
Staff Views: 'Aimee has plans to work.'
Staying Healthy
Staff Views: ' Very little to eat. New glasses, so fewer headaches. Hip pain gone. Bruising easily. Good meds adherence.'
My Life Skills
Staff Views: 'Aimee has become very isolative but uses time on her own well.'
My Relationships
Staff Views: 'Good with mother. Continues to speak to Chelsea but declined to discuss how she was in an abrupt manner. Grandad getting married which may upset family, but Aimee is taking quite well.'
Service User Views: 'Me refusing to tell the entire ward how Chelsea is doing should, under no circumstances, be mentioned in MY ward round summary. Irrelevant! Also, my Grandad is engaged - that doesn't mean they'll get married.'
And then it's Ward Round...
I must admit, I had originally planned this post because, after reading my Ward Round summary, I had assumed there'd be some heated discussions in the actual meeting and that I'd have something to have a good rant about... Now though, this will be a good post in showing how unpredictable things are here because regardless of my summary, the Ward Round went fantastically! My Consultant asked about my Christmas home leave and I explained that it'd been a little harder towards the end but that I hadn't needed PRN or to come back early so he said that was a massive achievement. Then he asked what my requests were. I mentioned leave for College (I've applied for three courses that each run two hours a week) and the Nurse said it'd be hard to organise one of them because it's right on handover but my Doctor said that they should take into account that this is what they've been working for me to do and that I'm doing really well and it's important I get to do this. So he said to leave that with them. Then I got all my other leave written up; home leave next weekend (an overnight drop-off), leave to go to London on the 22nd for a conference, and home leave for my birthday (31st-2nd Feb). I also told the Doctor that I was using my PRN quite often and without hesitation or questioning they increased my anti-psychotic by 50mg.
It's times like this when you really see why it's important not to give up at the first hurdle and assume something will end badly so that you don't even bother trying.
Happy First Birthday, I'm NOT disordered
Today, the blog is a year old! And what a year it's been! To celebrate I wrote this special post...
The good, the bad and the ugly - highlights of the past year:
January 2013
The beginning of the Blog and my nerves at it being a failure.
Agreeing to begin writing about my 'trauma' and my worries that I'd be let down by staff.
Young girls everywhere began self-harming because Justin Bieber was pictured taking drugs. I ranted about this.
Doing my first imagery exercise in Psychology.
I was unsuccessful at my tribunal.
I learnt that Anger Management makes me more angry.
My little hamster; Butter died.
February 2013
I celebrated my 22nd Birthday with a party on the ward and a trip North to see my Mum.
I learnt some more DBT because you can never have too many skills!
I got my unescorted ground leave back and my Named Nurse wasn't too pleased!
My bunny was 'bunny-napped' by the staff and I staged a rescue mission!
I went blonde.
My Named Nurse and I spent hours slaving over my Care Plans.
I went AWOL and took an overdose
March 2013
I wrote my first book review.
Our Ward Manager left.
I first started referring to Chelsea as my 'best-friend' in posts :)
The Ward Doctor explained how my hallucinations are a result of the 'trauma.'
It was the 3year anniversary of my friend's death and the Ward Manager recommended I shed some tears over it!
I met the Hospital Manager's dog.
It was the first anniversary of my Nana's death.
April 2013
I began to self-harm on impulse; I needed steri-strips.
Time to Change tweeted about the blog.
I posted the picture of myself on a ventilator in ICU on the anniversary of the 'end' of my 'trauma' to show how far I've come since then.
I ranted about stigma.
The OT team discussed with me that I subconsciously ruin the opportunities that come my way.
Twice I reported suicidal feelings to staff to have my leave removed so that I couldn't do anything.
I gave a speech about the weight gain side-effects to meds.
May 2013
I begun Psychotherapy; though it didn't last long.
I had my first drop-off Home Leave.
I learnt more about my self-harming through self-harm management group.
I attempted to go AWOL to overdose but the staff went to unimaginable lengths to have the taxi driver bring me back.
I gained a better understanding of the affect my lying to be able to run was having on staff.
Chelsea bought our customized best-friend bracelets.
I pondered on the topic of rabbits; my visual hallucinations.
I reported the entirety of my 'trauma' to the Police.
June 2013
The other person involved in my 'trauma' claimed to be innocent.
I had my first Home Leave where I didn't need my PRN medication.
I had a medical Hospital admission that resulted in me being put on 5minute obs.
I began 'exhibiting eating disorder behaviours.'
July 2013
I developed another auditory hallucination.
I had my first tactile hallucination.
I began my anti-depressant.
I honoured the one year anniversary of my admission to this Hospital with a post of all the improvements I've noticed in myself.
I went on my first therapy trip!
Our Charge Nurse who'd stepped up as Ward Manager announced he would be moving wards.
I experienced my first flashback.
For the second time, I didn't need PRN medication on a Home Leave.
August 2013
I had a rant about hateful tweets I'd received.
I went on the therapy trip to Flamingo Land.
I had a cystoscopy.
September 2013
I had my first overnight Home Leave.
I had a few episodes of sleep-walking.
I started on a beta-blocker after my Pulse was peeking to 153.
Two of my favourite staff began a relationship which meant one had to be moved wards.
I had a rant about the 'mental patient' Halloween costumes.
October 2013
I played a prank on all of the staff by changing the names on the doors around the ward.
I was accused of being a bully.
I had a rant about our GP system.
I celebrated World Mental Health Day with a post comparing the 'normal' and the 'abnormal' things about me and my life.
I posted a diary I'd kept whilst debating to overdose.
I took the overdose and was put on a ventilator in ICU and then I had to go onto the Psychiatric ICU when I got back to this Hospital.
I had a conversation with myself about being institutionalized.
I went to a 'rare breeds' farm on a therapy trip.
November 2013
I had a blog published for Time to Change: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/bpd-diagnosis-does-not-stop-me-being-human
I took the time to remember my Nana and all of the memories we shared throughout my childhood.
I interviewed for a Visual Merchandising position at Primark.
I shared my thoughts on the bonds with the other girls on the ward.
My best-friend left the ward to go to another Hospital.
I had my first Home Leave since the overdose.
I used 'flooding' techniques to make a triggering song, boring.
I used my 'boggart' skills that I learnt in Harry Potter to defy the rabbits.
December 2013
I made the Activities Co-Ordinator cry as she worried I was planning another overdose.
My Mum and I cried down the phone about my improvements and recovery.
I got advice on my recurring dream.
I had my first overnight drop-off Home Leave and it was amazing.
I had a very successful first and second session of Psychology.
I gave up my folder of goodbye letters etc to the staff.
I made some massive improvements through the Recovery Star.
I got the Christmas home leave I wanted (23rd-27th).
Award for most popular review:
http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/tv-review-dont-call-me-crazy.html (with 326 views)
Award for most popular personal post:
http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/im-not-having-blood-on-my-hands.html (with 192 views)
And finally, in true Awards style; I'd like to say some thank-yous. To my Mum; for her eternal and unwavering support throughout this entire thing and for her love; which I would be lost without. To the rest of my family for taking the time to read this and gain a better understanding of what my Mum and I have been going through for years. To Chelsea; my beautiful best-friend who's HTML skills have made the blog just as stunning as she is and also, her support and love which has resulted in her being just as excited as me when watching the page views rise. To the staff of my Hospital, thank you for providing the content for my rants and laughs! And finally, to all other readers; you have no idea how much your support means to me and how honoured I am every time my views go up... Even by one. Let's see what we can do in the space of another year...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)