Thursday, 29 September 2016

Enhancing Multi-Agency Partnerships Event #MultiAgencyNE - MORNING SESSION | Ad

To better understand this post, please read the previous one from the 'VERY BEGINNING' of the event: #MultiAgencyNE

Opening Addresses
Assistant Chief Constable Jo Farrell, Northumbria Police
Claire Andre: ACC Farrell speaking today about the importance of partnerships and #mentalhealth #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: "We need to ensure we deliver care in a timely way." Northumbria Police ACC Jo Farrell #MultiAgencyNE #mentalhealth
Michael Brown OBE: "There is still some debate nationally about what the rold of the police should be." - ACC Jo Farrell, Northumbria Police, #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Only two people were taken in to police custody under s136 in Northumbria Police, only because each of them were very violent" #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: "No one under the age of 18 taken into Northumbria Police custody under s136 over 2015/16" - ACC Jo Farrell #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: ACC Farrell: "This #MultiAgencyNE is an opportunity to illustrate fantastic partnership work and network with people to share best practice"

John Lawlor, Chief Executive, Northumberland Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust
Claire Andre: NTW NHS' John Lawlor is now speaking about the fantastic staff in the trust & partnerships. #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Now hearing from John Lawlor at #MultiAgencyNE - their s136 suite "has cobwebs on it because it's rarely used."
N'land, T&W NHS: Chief exec John Lawlor - very proud of work done in street triage to get people the right support #MultiAgencyNE
Old Bill (Scott): Hearing from John Lawlor at #MultiAgencyNE about "disparity of esteem" in #MentalHealth. Refreshingly honest account of health provision
Michael Brown OBE: Good points, well made by John Lawlor about the ongoing 'disparity of esteem' in mental health funding and provision. #MultiAgencyNE

Overview and Forward Look of Multi-agency Working and Collaboration
Jim Symington, Symington-Tinto Health and Social Care Consultancy
Claire Andre: Jim Symington is talking about the Crisis Care Concordat national overview and picture so far... #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Jim Symington is a consultant who has been key in the Crisis Care Concordat nationally. Now speaking at #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Jim Symington pointing out the Policing and Crime Bill is being discussed in the House of Lords today and is nearly law. #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Hearing the use of police cells for s136 MHA is massively down - no mention that use of s136 itself is massively up, though! #MultiAgencyNE
Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: Needs based services. "The needs of Newcastle are not the same as the needs for Lambeth or Devon" - Jim Symington #MultiAgencyNE
Old Bill (Scott): Jim Symington discussing what needs to be done in #mentalhealth crisis prevention/care. Resources don't meet aspirations though #MultiAgencyNE

Multi-agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH) - A joint approach for Safeguarding Adults
Detective Chief Inspector Deborah Alderson, Safeguarding Department, Northumbria Police and Julie Critchon, Business Manager, MASH, Gateshead Council
 
Claire Andre: We are hearing about #MASH and the work happening with Northumbria Police safeguarding team #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson talking about Multi-Agency Safety Hubs and the success we've had with them in Gateshead #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson: "MASH focuses on serial victims of domestic abuse - working with partner agencies to safeguard those affected." #MultiAgencyNE
Old Bill (Scott): Good to hear that response's geared towards individual need, not just risk. Very victim focused #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: Some scary stats about #DomesticViolence in the #NorthEast area. Highest in Ncle than any other area #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson: "27% of all perpetrators of domestic violence had previous experience of mental health issues"
Claire Andre: Interesting factors in the perprator of #DomesticViolence #MultiAgencyNE
Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: "27% of Domestic abuse perpetrators have mental health issues..." - DCI Deborah Alderson. That's quite a provoking statistic. #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson: "mental health issues are the biggest pre-cursor to domestic abuse - ahead of physical health and finances"#MultiAgencyNE
Michelle Trainer NHS: Very interesting presentation for using a MASH to support victims of DV. Wide range of services collocated, great stuff #MultiAgencyNE
Old Bill (Scott): Most common vulnerabilities are substance misuse, domestic abuse and #mentalhealth - and too often, all three #MultiAgencyNE

Claire Andre: A message to the delegates of #MultiAgencyNE from MP Sarah Newton, Safeguarding Minister, on the work in the #NorthEast
Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: Hearing about lots of essential work in #mentalhealth across the UK. MP Sarah Newton let's keep the momentum up! #MultiAgencyNE


Refreshment Break
Esther Beadle: So #MultiAgencyNE is trending! NTW NHS and Northumbria Police working together to improve #mentalhealth services
David O'Brien: what a great start to the day...


Police Negotiators Role in Crisis and Partnership Working
Detective Inspector Graeme Rowlings, Northumbria Police
Claire Andre: The fabulous D/Insp G Rowlings talking about role of #Police Negotiators. #MultiAgencyNE
Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: DI Grahame Rowlings talking about Police Negotiators. Just brilliant. Nope. It's not witchcraft! #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: What a very funny man D/Insp Rowlings is... Getting the serious message across in a humorous way #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Fascinating, funny and poignant stuff from Insp Graeme Rowlings on police negotiation. #MultiAgencyNE
David O'Brien: Inspiring talk about the role of police negotiators in mental health crisis #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Active listening from negotiator means person begins to sort-of-like them, better chance of a good outcome. Listening is key.` #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Information Sharing Protocol means #NHS can give police good guidance about the best way to help someone. And vice versa. #MultiAgencyNE

Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: Looking forward to hearing about 'Respond' from Dr Tacchi #MultiAgencyNE
Respond Multi-agency Simulation Training
Dr Mary Jayne Tacchi, Consultant Psychiatrist, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust and Mark Tunney, Engagement & Co-production Worker, Fulfilling Lives
Claire Andre: #Respond multiagency simulation training the official launch Dr Tacchi & Mark Tunney #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Hearing from Dr Tacchi about 'RESPOND' simulation training for s136 of the Mental Health Act #MultiAgencyNE
Terry Nelson: The amazing Dr Tacchi, Mark Tunney talking about service user involvement in #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: Dr Tacchi talking about why Respond simulation training is different to others... We did it together from the beginning #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: Respond was also Terry Nelson's acting debut - Oscar winning performances! #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: N'Land, T&W NHS's Dr Tacchi on #RESPOND training - getting everyone in "someone else's shoes" #MultiAgencyNE
Old Bill (Scott): Great immersive training on #mentalhealth & #police work! Involving experts by experience vital #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: Hearing how the use of real people in simulation & not actors is important. They know what it's like! #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Next up, expert by experience Mark Tunney on #RESPOND training #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: Fabulous hearing how Mark Tunney found it useful to know the professionals perspectives. #Respond #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Mark: "One of the biggest things about our involvement is equality for service users, experts by experience, in the process." #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Mark: "Having one guy involved there, he had been on top of a bridge. He knew the emotions and the fear..." #MultiAgencyNE
Old Bill (Scott): Involving experts by experience aids compassion & understanding of individual need/feelings - not just the risks #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Mark: "We found often people got caught up on doing their job the best they could, and forgot about the person & how they feel." #MultiAgencyNE
Esther Beadle: Fantastic speech from Mark Tunney on the importance of having experts by experience. Bang on #MultiAgencyNE
Terry Nelson: Can't believe how empowering it feels to be a service user with a voice. Claire Andre and Dr Tacchi #MultiAgencyNE thanks #wedorecover
Terry Nelson: Thanks to Mark Tunney for your faith, support and guidance. Most importantly the trust you show in me. #MultiAgencyNE

The role of the PCC in Supporting the Mental Health of Communities
Vera Baird QC, Police and Crime Commissioner for Northumbria

Claire Andre: Hearing from Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner about the importance of #MentalHealth & #Partnerships. #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Now hearing from Vera Baird - the Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner is addressing #MultiAgencyNE and highlighting Street Triage.
Esther Beadle: Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner praises NTW NHS on its recent #outstanding rating - one of the first #MH trust to achieve that. #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner praises triage for keeping mental health sufferers out of custody. Said it's also reduced demand on officers #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner talking about the importance of #InfoSharing need to know & legal basis but helps service users get care needed #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: Lastly from Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner: "Well done to you all and thank you for coming. Let's all work together to share best practice" #MultiAgencyNE

Claire Andre: We're coming up to the morning Q&A from the speakers... I'm sure we'll have lots of questions. #MultiAgencyNE




WATCH THE VLOG OF THE ENTIRE MORNING:



Sunday, 25 September 2016

Enhancing Multi-Agency Partnerships Event #MultiAgencyNE - THE VERY BEGINNING | Ad



This event was the first of its kind; because a lot of the work being done in the North East (particularly by Northumbria Police and Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS) around agency's coming together in partnerships to provide unique mental health-related services, has not been done anywhere else in the country. The aim in hosting the event, was to publicize the successes that these new services have achieved; especially the fact that our area is now second in the country for having the least amount of custody uses for section 136 of the Mental Health Act 1983. Professionals from all around the country attended the event to gain inspiration; that would, hopefully, result in better mental health care on a whole. 
Needless to say, that to not only be invited; but to have been asked to give a speech and presentation there?! I was honoured.
Walking into the room late (there was mix-up with my taxi), to find an entire room full of people switch the gaze from the speaker on stage to me! "Speak of the devil!" Inspector Steve Baker (Mental Health Lead for Northumbria Police) said; and took everyone's attention as he began to explain who I was and what I do. So straightaway I felt respected or... Maybe that's the wrong word. Appreciated? I'm not sure! Anyway! Claire Andre (Police Liason Officer for NTW NHS) started silently, and frantically, motioning for me to sit between herself and John Lawlor (CEO of NTW NHS). This was another moment that caused the feeling I can't put into words! And to then have some whispered banter with each of them... I think what it is, is that; as a 'Service User' I always felt inferior. 
I guess that feeling came from years of not being trusted with the most basic of things. And having to get permission from a gazillion (slight exaggeration!) people to go anywhere... Best interests and all that, but still... And so, I'm always aware of anything like that when I'm working with organizations such as NTW and Northumbria Police. 
Now that I'm discharged from the Community Mental Health Team (yay!) and off my anti-psychotic medication (yay!) and without A&E visits for overdoses and self-harm (yay!); I feel more equal. I prefer to be treat like a colleague now. And so, these initial three things had me completely reassured that for the rest of the event, I'd be treat the way I wanted to be.
[NOTE]
This event took place on Thursday 15th September 2016
It's taken me a little while to get these blog posts up about the event because I decided to do them in a completely different way to how I'd usually blog about events. There was a special focus on social media at the event as we had created a hashtag. There's a growing community of mental health activists and professionals on Twitter; with many organizations creating accounts and the growing number of people who are defying the stigma to speak out about mental health. So, it shouldn't have been a surprise when we discovered (within the first four hours of the event) that #MultiAgencyNE was trending! It is because of this, that I decided to write about the event via the many tweets that were posted during it!

Esther Beadle: The stage is set for #MultiAgencyNE today... More than 100 people expected today to learn about North East partnerships.
Northumbria Police: Great to be at #MultiAgencyNE we're hosting with @NTWNHS to talk about great work we're doing around mental health!
David O'Brien: Looking forward to good day at #MultiAgencyNE at Discovery Museum
Claire Andre: I just don't think I'll keep up with tweets, but I'll try! Remember to use the hashtag #MultiAgencyNE and let's try to get it trending...
Northumbria Police: Filling up nicely at the #MultiAgencyNE conference at the Discovery Museum. More than 100 people in attendance!
Nicola Morrow: Looking forward to today's event with Northumbria Police enhancing mental health multi agency partnerships #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: we are off the starting line .... #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: Detective Inspector Steve Baker is opening the national #MultiAgencyNE conference - follow the hashtag to see more!
Michael Brown OBE: Just starting the #MultiAgencyNE event: Northumbria Police's Steve Baker outlining who is here: an impressive gathering of people/agencies.
Kirsty Smith: Great turn out at the #MultiAgencyNE conference. We are underway with the opening speech from Northumbria Police
Sue Waterhouse: Looking forward to what is happening in the North East #MultiAgencyNE
Michael Brown OBE: Chief Executive John Lawlor and ACC Jo Farrell opening #MultiAgencyNE - senior leadership is key in this area...


VLOG of the entire morning (inc. sneak peeks into the next post's content):


Wednesday, 14 September 2016

PRE-EVENT PROMO DAY THREE - Enhancing Mental Health Multi-agency Partnerships | Ad

For some time now, I've been working alongside Inspector Steve Baker, the Mental Health Lead for Northumbria Police, and Claire Andre, Police Liason Lead for Northumberland Tyne & Wear (NTW) NHS, on many different projects. And this event, is the next to become public! 
On Thursday 15th September, the Enhancing Mental Health Multi-agency Partnerships event will be held (details in above photo) and I've been asked to deliver a presentation on my experiences (good and bad) with the Police in regards to mental health. So on every day for the next three days, there will be a post about the event.
To keep up with the excitement, plans, thoughts, questions and general goings-on, use the hashtag #multiagencyNE on Twitter


John Lawlor (Chief Executive Officer of Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS) on the upcoming #multiagencyNE event: 
"I'm delighted to be involved with the Mental Health Multi-Agency Partnerships event, showcasing the great partnership work between Northumbria Police and the local NHS. 
 It is great in to see that, in these challenging times for local people that our public services ensure the needs of local communities remain right at the top of our priorities."


Claire Andre (Police Liason Lead for Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS) on how things are improving:
“We are proud of the services we provide and the partnerships we have in the North East, it is through these that we continue to improve the experience for those using our services. 
And on honesty:
We cannot say we have solved all of the issues, or have the answer to everyone’s concerns, but we try to do our best for the people we service and care for, learning and developing together. 
And on why this event is important:
We want to demonstrate to other areas, some of the examples of this work and what can be achieved through multi-agency working."

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

PRE-EVENT PROMO DAY TWO - Enhancing Mental Health Multi-agency Partnerships | Ad

For some time now, I've been working alongside Inspector Steve Baker, the Mental Health Lead for Northumbria Police, and Claire Andre, Police Liason Lead for Northumberland Tyne & Wear (NTW) NHS, on many different projects. And this event, is the next to become public!
On Thursday 15th September, the Enhancing Mental Health Multi-agency Partnerships event will be held (details in above photo) and I've been asked to deliver a presentation on my experiences (good and bad) with the Police in regards to mental health. So on every day for the next three days, there will be a post about the event.
To keep up with the excitement, plans, thoughts, questions and general goings-on, use the hashtag #multiagencyNE on Twitter


[exclusive to I'm NOT Disordered and NHS]
THE OFFICIAL AHEAD-OF-CONFERENCE STATEMENT FROM NORTHUMBRIA POLICE: 
Inspector Steve Baker, lead for Mental Health at Northumbria Police, said: “It is vitally important that we work closely with our partners to deliver the best possible service to those suffering from mental health problems in our region."
 
“We have introduced a street triage team made up of police officers and mental health nurses and that team ensures those in contact with Police, in crisis, see a mental health professional and are assessed or signposted to the correct pathway to meet their needs."
 
“This Force is committed to ensure we support people in need and are delighted that working closely with NTW has been such a success."


PERSONAL INTERVIEW
Inspector Steve Baker (Mental Health Lead for Northumbria Police) on the upcoming event:
Northumbria police and NTW are really excited to be hosting a mental health conference highlighting all the great work which is happening in the North East. 130 delegates from all over the country from Northern Ireland to Devon and Cornwall with representatives from mental health trusts, acute trusts, police forces, ambulance trusts, the voluntary sector, service users are all represented. Can't wait...!
And on the importance of the partnership between NTW and Northumbria Police: 
Working in partnership is absolutely key to ensuring we are delivering an efficient and effective service which puts the needs of patients at the heart of all we do.
And on working with Experts by Experience (like me!):
The involvement of Experts by Experience are crucial to make sure that professionals really understand what it is to go through a crisis. We are delighted that there is such a willingness to work along us and share experiences in order to help others.
And finally, on how Experts by Experience are already making a difference:
The launch of our new multi agency simulation project respond to help all partners fully understand the s136 process via shared learning is the perfect example. It's the first of its kind in the country. Experts by Experience were part of the planning stages, acted the roles for the film and will be key members of the training team.

Monday, 12 September 2016

PRE-EVENT PROMO DAY ONE - Enhancing Mental Health Multi-agency Partnerships | Ad


For some time now, I've been working alongside Inspector Steve Baker, the Mental Health Lead for Northumbria Police, and Claire Andre, Police Liason Lead for Northumberland Tyne & Wear (NTW) NHS, on many different projects. And this event, is the next to become public! 
On Thursday 15th September, the Enhancing Mental Health Multi-agency Partnerships event will be held (details in above photo) and I've been asked to deliver a presentation on my experiences (good and bad) with the Police in regards to mental health. So on every day for the next three days, there will be a post about the event.
To keep up with the excitement, plans, thoughts, questions and general goings-on, use the hashtag #multiagencyNE on Twitter.

When I began I'm NOT Disordered, I decided that rather than write one long rambling post about the previous years of my life/mental health 'journey' at the beginning; I would, instead, tell you all as it came up. And so, many of you might not know the ins and outs of the three poorly years that led up to the long-term admission where this little gem began... I was on first-name basis with the Police. Basically.
The first time that I had contact with a Police Officer, was June 2009. I'd taken my first overdose in School (Sixth Form), passed out, was taken to A&E and then the voice that no one knew I could hear, got angry. So I left. I had never been to the town which the A&E was in and I can remember finally coming across some shops and the first thing I saw was a parked Police car. I can remember almost smiling with relief and thinking 'I'm safe now. I can go to them for help.' The Officers detained me under section 136 of the Mental Health Act 1983, and so it began...

Naturally, over the next three years, I had both positive and negative experiences with the Police...
Example of a negative experience: I was sat in a little room in A&E with two Police Officers who'd detained me under a section 136, when two female Officers came in to 'relieve' (Police speak basically for swapping places) the others. From the outset they were repeatedly telling me that if I'd allow my partner to come to the Hospital then they could leave. Firstly, I knew this wasn't true; the previous Officers used a 136 so they couldn't leave until I was assessed under the Mental Health Act - by this point I was so experienced with the whole 136 situation that I knew the ins and outs of it. And secondly, I felt too embarrassed with the whole mess to see my partner. Needless to say the Officers stood outside the door (but directly in front of it) and the next time it opened it was one of the Police letting my partner in. I told them that they had no right and was met with "you don't have the capacity to decide that." I countered with "if I don't have capacity and I'm under 136 then why would having by boyfriend here mean that you could leave?" At which point both Officers rushed at me, pinned me down on the hospital bed/trolley, one shouted in my face that I was a 'spoilt cow' before whipping out the handcuffs; whilst the other, who was restraining my legs, added "you're one of those people that should be locked away in those hospitals forever; so that everyone's lives get easier!"
Example of a positive experience: I was sat in a room in A&E with an Officer who'd just detained me under 136 (yes, three years of my life pretty much became this pattern) and he was finishing his shift so a female Officer came to 'relieve' him, as he left he called out to me: "good luck! You'll be fine!" During my time with the female Officer, there became a point where I was hallucinating rabbits under a chair in the room. I remember staring at their muddy fur and drifting off to a stereotypical scary wood; like the one from Beauty and the Beast, and then someone was calling my name and asking what I could see. The last thing I expected was for the Police Officer to pick up the little wooden chair and stamp her massive, black, shiny, boot all over the scary, dirty, evil, rabbits. But for her, there was nothing there. For her, she was stamping on thin air. But she believed me.

It's strange to think that both the negative and the positive experiences could motivate me in working with Northumbria Police - but for completely different reasons. The negative experiences have made me want to do all that I can to ensure no one else experiences these or similar. I want to tell Officers how these experiences made me feel and why I felt that way; in the hope that with this insight their understanding will improve, and with it, many skills that would be beneficial in such situations e.g. compassion, validation, kindness, respect, humility, and patience.
And the positive experiences, make me want to do all that I can to show my gratitude for the organization who, on many occasions, saved my life.Because in those times when my life was saved; I wasn't grateful. I didn't thank them. I did the opposite, really. I was rude and obnoxious. They were stopping me from doing what I wanted to do; the thing that I believed would make me truly happy; suicide. Death. But in doing this, they gave me the opportunity to access the help that I needed to go into recovery. They believed that I was worth saving. That I had a chance at recovering. And I'm 100% certain that they can do this for so many other people. And they are now! And it's such a great honour to be able to witness this happening.

Monday, 5 September 2016

Inadequate, Waves, & Mindfulness

For a few weeks now- maybe just over a month, I've been having a tough time; the kind where if someone were to ask what was wrong, I wouldn't have an answer. Now though, I've realized that it's been millions of different things that all seem to be happening either one after the other or a few at the same time. You know in that movie 'Blue Crush'? And it's the bit when she's fallen off her board and into the sea but as soon as she gets to the surface for air, another wave comes rolling over her and she's pushed back underwater. That's been my past few weeks.
But it's only recently that I've realized, that the majority of them have been caused by the fact that I'm not good enough. Or rather, that's what I've surmised from them.
The biggest 'wave' has been this blog. Firstly, just saying that I'm NOT Disordered has played some role in my recent struggles is hard. And this is part of the problem too. You know when something happens and you have your thoughts and opinions on it (which are sad), but then you feel even sadder for having those thoughts and opinions? Well, I've been struggling with (in short) the fact that I haven't gotten many blog posts up for quite a while; but then I struggle with the thought that I'm NOT Disordered might be contributing to this bad spell. My blog has never been anything but positive, to my life; it's been an outlet for the good, the bad, and the rants, and it's the reason that I'm offered so many amazing opportunities beyond blogging. In my refusal to accept that my blog could now be having a massively negative affect, I've at least been able to recognize that it isn't really my blog doing this; it's me. I put too much pressure on myself - stressing that I'm not publishing many posts, and worrying that this'll mean I'll lose readers and subsequently, won't be offered opportunities as others will think less of me. Then I feel bad at the thought that I'm letting people down, disappointing them, and I convince myself that I'm undeserving of the success of I'm NOT Disordered and in meetings I just sit there thinking that I'm such a fraud and that I have no right to be sat there.
And with all of this going round and round in my head, I start to wonder if there's a deeper reason for the lack of posts; 'is this the end of I'm NOT Disordered?' 'Am I finished being a Blogger?'
No. I think I would know if it was finished, and if I was. And I definitely wouldn't be stressing and struggling about it all so much if I didn't care and wasn't determined to make changes.
I do care. And I am determined.
 How I'm Coping 
One massive development in my coping skills during these recent struggles, has been that I'm now using 'Mindfulness'! For anyone who hasn't been here from the beginning, 'Mindfulness' is a skill we were taught in Hospital through Dialectical Behaviour Therapy; and it was the one that I didn't get along with! My argument was that I'd spent the past five years (I was in Hospital from 2012 and the abuse lasted until 2007) surviving by keeping out of the moment and I was convinced that using Mindfulness skills would kill me. That allowing myself to feel everything I felt in one moment and to just be in that moment, would make me want to die. I'd rather kill myself.
The Hospital staff explained that a huge influence on this was that during the abuse - the actual incidents; I would disassociate and often remembered the incidents from the view of floating on the ceiling and just watching on. And so, I had convinced myself that this was how I'd gotten through those days and was now (understandably I hope) reluctant to do the exact opposite.
My relationship with 'Mindfulness' was one where if you mentioned to the Hospital staff that I've actually now used this skill, they wouldn't believe you. For those staff who do read my blog - I really did do it! And it really did help! There was so many thoughts whizzing around in my head that selecting one and just sitting with it, whilst the rest faded away, helped me to process the thought and decide what to do about it.