FIVE WAYS THE ABUSE HAS CHANGED ME

Oh, so you think you know me now?
Have you forgotten how,
You would make me feel when you drag my spirit down?
But thank you for the pain,
It made my raise my game,
And I'm still rising, I'm still rising, yeah

Jessie J – Who’s Laughing Now

I saw an article on The Mighty about the ways Cancer can change someone and it inspired me to write this post about the ways that abuse has changed me. I know that they’re two completely different subjects, but I think that the message is quite similar: there might be physical elements to mental health and cancer, but they also have huge psychological and – so-called – ‘invisible’ affects. Things that you might never know about unless the person tells you.


I also had a conversation with my new Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) recently and she asked if I’d had any difficulties before the abuse or if I believed that everything stemmed from it. Initially, recognizing that the abuse has changed me in so many ways was difficult, and I tried to pretend that they weren’t such big changes but deep down I knew I was kidding myself! Then I realized that these changes didn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. There had been positive ones too! And I had learnt and grown from the more negative ones!

WHY ANY FEELING TOWARDS YOUR ABUSER IS OK

Photography: RJ Photography

Please note that this blog post discusses sexual abuse, some readers may find this triggering or upsetting. For support on anything mentioned in this post, please visit: https://www.mind.org.uk/

Writing this post, I’m reminded of a piece I wrote a little while ago about having sex and children after being raped or sexually abused (http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2017/10/the-big-awkward-chat-sex-rape-sexual.html). I talked about how when I’d struggled with this area of my life there’d been nowhere to turn because it seemed that no one on the internet was discussing it. This is something that I hope epitomises I’m NOT Disordered; in that people can turn to it for issues that they feel completely alone in. Sometimes, a lack of information on subjects like these are mistaken as a sign that it is a taboo issue; something to be ashamed of experiencing and embarrassed to talk about. And this is wrong. Nine times out of ten if you can’t find an issue online that you’re experiencing it’s because no one has had the courage to speak up about it and not, that no one else is experiencing it. It goes in a cycle because it is through making this assumption that no one is speaking out.

When I was first abused I remember feeling like a was on a fairground ride, my thoughts we are whirling around inside my head, crashing into one another; fighting for space and attention. Fighting for the right to be heard. Demanding to be felt.

COPING WITH MY ABUSER'S PROMOTION

I know already that this is going to be a hard post to write. And not because it’s deep, or emotional. But because I need to talk about something to do with my trauma, and as most of you (although there’s been a lot of new readers recently! – Welcome to I’m NOT Disordered!!) know; ‘due to legal reasons,’ I can’t give much information about the sexual abuse and rape that I was subjected to.

I could understand not being allowed to tell you the person’s name, but it’s that I can’t even tell you the basics. For example, what profession this person is in, or where the abuse happened. Apparently, just by saying those two basic details, and if you knew me during the years the abuse happened (2006-2007) then you could put it all together; and make a reasonable assumption of the identity of the person. Apparently, that wouldn’t be fair on him because he was never proven guilty.

THE BIG AWKWARD CHAT: SEX, RAPE, & SEXUAL ABUSE

trigger warning: this post contains discussion of topics that may be upsetting to some readers

Even just writing the title of this post has me feeling awkward, embarrassed, anxious and doubtful that I should write such a post!

But why?

People talk about having children.

People talk about getting married.

People definitely talk about sex.

And people are starting to talk about rape and sexual abuse.

So is it that, because someone/I experiences those last two things it is made more difficult to discuss – or even mention – the rest?