HIT OR MISS IN MENTAL HEALTH

So, because my last few mental health crises resulted in contact with the Police, and that contact was mostly negative; my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) has been speaking with Inspector Baker (who I’ve previously worked with in training Northumbria Police’s new recruits). They thought it might be a good idea for me to meet with an Officer from my locality. Initially, the intention was because one officer detained me under the Mental Capacity Act (2005) and I voiced that whilst I’d heard of the Act, I wasn’t aware that it gave Police any power. You see, I’ve had the Act used on me a couple of times, but it’s always been by either Paramedics or staff in a medical Hospital. So, my CPN’s thinking was to have the Act explained to me and for us (my CPN, myself and the Officer) to discuss a ‘plan’ in case there was to ever be another instance where the Police became involved in a mental health crisis with me. 


Initially, I was actually a little bit horrified at the idea because there’d been a similar meeting in 2012 before I went into Cygnet and so I worried that the fact professionals felt another meeting appropriate, meant that I really was going backwards. Things really were going back to the beginning. My CPN reassured me that the meeting was purely for a ‘what if’ situation and not – as the previous meeting had been – a necessity because such situations were inevitable.

BPD Orchid's 3 part Blog Series

I stumbled across BPD Orchid's mini Blog Post Series on Twitter and after reading it I thought it'd been a fantastic idea and so I asked for a Guest Post to tell all of my lovely readers about it

The antidote to shame, affirms Brene Brown in her Ted Talk on 'the power of vulnerability’, is empathy. Telling our story can reveal parts of ourselves that we might often hide. Yet, casting our experiences into words and having a person not only listen to, but also accept, our experiences, can be empowering. For me, sharing my story with supportive people has enabled me to release some of the shame I carry inside me about my mental health.

Just before my finals at university in 2014, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Being diagnosed was as if I had finally been given a signpost amidst a scary, confusing and lonely landscape of emotional experiences. In the strange weeks and months that followed my diagnosis, I started BPD Orchid, in the form of a blog and Twitter. 

BPD Orchid became my place for sharing my mental health story- a story that I keep half-secret due to my fear of judgement. For the first time, I began the two way process of relating to others and- to my surprise-  having others relate to me. The empathy towards BPD that I experienced online enabled me to release some of the shame I carried around for having BPD. Furthermore, it gave me the confidence to open up about my experiences to trusted people in my life. 

Sharing my story has made me realise just how difficult I have been finding it to accept what I’ve been through. My blog documents how tricky it is for me to reconcile all parts of myself and all aspects of my life with my Borderline Personality Disorder. Oscillating between immense joy and suicidal despair is hard to reconcile within myself sometimes. Noticing this difficulty has made it clear what I really want to work towards: acceptance. Acceptance of all parts of myself, BPD included. Starting therapy again recently means that I can unfold more and more of my story corner by corner; in other words, I'm beginning to piece things together in order to make sense of myself and my experiences. 

As I began to look more closely at empathy, shame and acceptance in therapy, I realised that the time had come for me to examine my experiences of mental health services on my blog. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy; there have been times when I have tried to disconnected myself from my own experiences, even asking others ‘was I myself?’ and thinking ‘that can’t be me’. 

I’ve written a series of three blog posts which attempt to make sense of how my sense of shame is tied up to misconceptions and prejudices within mental health services. The first in the series discusses how a psychiatrist told me that ‘it’s better not to write your diagnosis of BPD in your notes’. I expect she was trying to protect me from the stigma she knew was rife within her profession. By saying this, however, she arguably colluded with that stigma and emitted the message to me that BPD should be kept secret, even between professionals. This instilled a sense of shame within me which I now need to unravel. 

The second post, ‘Leave or I will call the police’, recounts the time when I was sent to A&E by my GP because I was suicidal, only to be humiliated and treated with hostility, before being told the police would be called if I didn’t leave. My third post in the series details two phone calls with a therapy organisation, one in which I disclosed BPD and the other in which I didn’t. 

My posts have been noted by others as reflecting their own experiences; many have expressed relief due to feeling less alone. Others, like me, have expressed anger at the injustice of their experiences with mental health services and professionals. My Twitter has been a hive of debate around the astounding difficulty in accessing NHS mental services, and, if even offered a referral to mental health services, the often problematic nature of having a diagnosis of BPD within these services. Problems that people have shared following my series include discrimination, negative attitudes towards BPD, being offered no therapeutic support, judgemental staff, and being in wards hundreds of miles from home. 

Whilst some people receive excellent, tailored and compassionate care, far too many others do not. Immaculate and unhelpful stigma surrounds BPD in many settings and instances; in some cases, this stigma is so smothering that a person’s BPD feeds off it, creating shame and isolation. The following is obvious to those who live with BPD, and their loved ones: the government must invest more in mental health services, including specialist services for those with BPD. People with BPD are all too often inaccurately judged as 'manipulative’, 'hard to reach' or 'difficult’. Therefore, mental health services must do more to educate their professionals. People with BPD are amongst the most compassionate, empathetic and imaginative people out there, and more mental health professionals would do well to recognise that. 

You can read my series, and more of my experiences of BPD, on at www.bpdorchid.blogspot.co.uk and share with me on Twitter @bpd_orchid. Thank you so much to Aimee for inviting me to contribute a guest post to her inspiring blog.Aimee’s blog has inspired me and I wish her every success.

Blogger Privacy

Those who know me, will know that I've followed Zoella (Zoe Sugg) for quite a while (admittedly nothing compared to how long she's been YouTubing/blogging for. I can't even remember why I began following her but it was not long before she became a household name after launching her beauty range. I look up to her for many reasons; the most obvious being the success of her blog/YouTube, but I also admire that she too entered this industry as a total novice and has learnt as she went. Admittedly I do sometimes question whether opportunities are handed to her on a plate, but watching her vlogs you can see how hard she works on both editing her videos and writing her books/attending meetings to plan new products. And so, I fully believe that she and Alfie Deyes (PointlessBlog) have earn their million pound home.
I think that there was a mention of fans finding their home in one of their vlogs but the internet exploded two days ago when Zoe tweeted 'Really starting to lose my patience with people just turning up at our house & peering in or ringing our doorbell 😔 makes me hate my house! 😢' and around the same time, Alfie also tweeted 'Parents who drive their kids to our home & put them on their shoulders so they can lean over our walls to try and take pictures of us without us realising... I see you! I'm on the sofa in my pyjamas relaxing. Go away. If you want to meet me, I'd love that! Come to a meet up just like everyone else who wants to meet me does! You can't just drive to my house & climb our walls, that's really not fair.'
Of course there was a surge of responses with such a variety of opinions. Everyone who expressed their views was immediately jumped on by others who either agreed or disagreed. As I read through some comments I formed my own replies but resisted posting anything at fear of starting drama.
The most popular point of those who weren't on Zoe and Alfie's side, was to say that filming their private lives had made them and famous and so they should've realised what they were getting themselves into. 'Welcome to the famous life. Didn't you see this coming at all?' Zoe and Alfie promtly pointed out (correctly, in my opinion) that in beginning their YouTube channels, they'd never set out to become 'famous' and that even still, that shouldn't mean they should tolerate an invasion of their privacy. I feel that in some ways, I can relate to this. I don't mean to sound big-headed in saying this, but I'm well known in mental health through my blog and if readers started showing up at my little bungalow I'd be mortified. However, I am very grateful that it is almost solely in that area that I'm known so there's little chance someone will stop me at the shops as they regularly do with Alfie and Zoella. But like them, I started my blog to document my recovery for myself to look back on. There are many bloggers out there who begin their blog or YouTube channel in the hope of becoming well known and making some money. Alfie and Zoe were never those people.
One aspect of this entire debate/incident/Twitter war, that I can completely relate to is that people assume that because you do disclose aspects of your life that some may view as private and personal, then you must be sharing everything. Many YouTubers regularly point out that their vlogs are edited and a twenty four hour day is often condensed in under twenty minutes, never mind that they rarely vlog whilst having a bad day.
I think that perhaps discussing my mental health, the abuse I've suffered and feeling suicidal, makes me more vulnerable to this. But the amount of important things going on in my life that I can't discuss is probably unbelievable to readers. And one reason that I never discuss one aspect is that the person involved wants to maintain their privacy. And I respect that. Because I believe it is an individual preference.
Finally, a lot of people are arguing that the two never complain about the money they make but neither do the footballers who are paid ridiculous amounts per match. At the end of the day, no matter how 'perfect' you may deem someone's life to be, they will always have something that they aren't happy with in their life.
No matter tear what your occupation, everyone deserves privacy and to feel safe in their own home.

                            

Can being treat for an overdose do more harm?

This title will no doubt cause a knee-jerk response of 'no!' And possibly a few 'how could she even ask?!' But stay with me guys...
When I first got poorly (mentally), everyone was concerned. The first two times I overdosed, I was sectioned. The second, in a dramatic fashion that involved six police, leg restraints and sedation. People were worried. Scared. They cared.
I couldn't pin point exactly when that stopped happening, but I'd guess that it was probably around the tenth or fifteenth overdose (my notes show I've taken over 70 since 2009). After ruling out psychosis, inpatient mental health cared less. After causing scene after scene in A&E, hospital staff cared less. After going AWOL every chance I got, police cared less. I understood. I wasn't a nice person during those years. I didn't understand what was happening to me so, because I couldn't explain why I'd do the things I'd do, I allowed professionals to assume. And the majority of assumptions were that I did what I did for attention. But looking back, yes. Yes, I wanted attention. I wanted people to pay attention to my hurt and my anger and realise it wasn't aimed at them. I wanted someone - anyone, to pay attention to what had happened to me. But my feelings around my trauma: that I was to blame, was intensified by the new attitude of professionals. I felt that I deserved to be treat that way and to punish myself, I hurt myself. It was a hellish cycle. I can't help but wonder whether if staff had continued to treat me with the same original care and attitude, if the self-harm would have continued for so long and escalated to the point it did...
The reason this is on my mind?
Back in September, my psychosis escalated and I took an overdose. A senior Consultant in A&E became involved when I was struggling to accept help. He was abrupt and cold and although it put me on edge, I understood it was probably his demeanour and had nothing to do with his attitude towards mental health or what I'd done. When the little smart arse remarks began, I started to doubt myself. When it got to the point that I found myself wanting to be out of the hospital in order to be away from him, I knew he'd made things worse. And after restraining me so hard that he left fingerprint bruises and then slapping a Doctor on the back for 'filling my head with lies' I really... Lost my shit! In restraint, I was close to kicking out. When he tried to enter my room, after, I kept the door shut. I then requested that he not return to my room. And when he ignored my request, I confronted him about his attitude, comments and hitting the other doctor and was surprised that he admitted to everything. In front of a healthcare assistant. I cried because I felt that the feelings of uncontrollable aggression and anger were part of the Old Aimee. I'd always told myself that even if I was still self-harming, at least I wasn't treating professionals the way I used to. I was sad to feel that this one Doctor had set me back.
If I'd had the Consultant who took over in the morning that entire time, I'm sure that things would've gone differently.
And this, is my point; if professionals treat you so badly when all you need is their help and support then how could this possibly aid recovery? For me, each incident with staff was just added to my collection of bad memories that rapidly grew after each hospitalisation.
It's no secret that mental health service users have sometimes been known to self harm or succeed in suicide because of the way they have been treat by professionals. So how can you be sure that admitting someone to hospital or having police involvement will not worsen the persons mental health?

The Stigma Within Mental Health Patients

Stigma of mental health is a well-known, well-publicized problem. However, the focus is normally on the general public, police and medical staff having little knowledge or education in mental health and as a result, have out-dated opinions and unhelpful behaviours. There is rarely any focus on stigma within the network of psychiatric service users and patients. I'm going to take the lid off of this can of worms in this post...

I was hospitalized a number of times before the admission that led to this blog but never into a setting where there'd been a sense of community and family. This, was for three reasons; there weren't those type of wards, I wasn't admitted for long enough to build any relationships and there was no interaction with the wards beyond your own.
This all changed in my last hospitalization. Firstly, it was a specialized personality disorder unit so the patients all had some similarities; areas to bond on and behaviours and attitudes to dispute. It was also a long-term unit so during my admission there were around 5 girls who were on the ward from the beginning to the end of my admission (two and a half years). This also enabled relationships to be built. We were also in a smaller hospital with only different four wards and there were often trips out or activities with patients from each ward. After a while, the courtyard was also changed so that those who went out could interact with patients from the other wards.
And this is where the first stigmatization came in. Within our hospital there was our unit, a unit for 'challenging behaviour,' a men's unit, and a PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit): who we had the most confrontations with. Patients on a PICU, are often the most poorly or unsafe and so, any interactions with them often resulted in something upsetting and triggering being said to a girl from our ward. This would result in self-harm, distress, the need for extra medication... And it caused tension with other patients who felt the need to argue with those staff who were responsible for mixing the wards and for not supervising them properly in order to avoid such incidents. Over time, there was also physical assaults from PICU patients to those girls on our PD (Personality Disorder) ward and this all led to our PD patients having a pre-conceived idea of any patients on the PICU, which meant generalizing all those on that ward.
Within our ward, there was also stigma attached to aspects that resulted in patients feeling inequal to one another. One factor in this, was your level of observations (varies from arm's length to hourly) which meant that often those on a high level of observation, were avoided. Not particularly in a cruel way, just at fear of being upset or triggered by the person's poorly state of mind and often violent outbursts. If you were to pass someone's room and see a member of staff sat outside the room, it was always assumed that the patient had needed to be restrained or had self-harmed to have gotten themselves on such a level of observation.
Another aspect on the ward which sparked stigma was how much leave a patient had. The Psychiatrist of each patient who was detained under the Mental Health Act had to prescribe leave for that patient. This included detailing how long the leave was for, where the patient was permitted to, and whether they must be escorted by staff, which included how many staff were to go with the patient. If a patient had unescorted leave (without staff) then they were regarded as much further along in the recovery process. The amount and kind of leave a patient had caused a divide on the ward between those who had unlimited unescorted leave and those who couldn't even go into the hospital grounds without a member of staff.
Even medication became a ward divide. For some, it seemed to actually be a competition with one patient stating how many milligrams of a medication they were on and another stating how much more they are prescribed. For those who had experienced varied medication throughout their mental health illness, they often deem some drugs to be insignificant to their own. For example, Lorazepam (a mild sedative) was deemed less significant to Zopiclone (a sleeping tablet). There was also some level of competition between patients and what they had done in their past. For example, one patient would recount a time when they jumped from a building and, as though as to go 'one better', another patient will recount a time when they self-harmed to such a degree that they needed surgery.
It's a sad state of affairs when there's stigma and inequality within mental health patients and their units/hospitals. Especially when really, they should be working as a team (so to speak) to unite in battling the public's stigma on all those with mental ill health. 

10 Popular Misconceptions in Mental Health

ONE. A person who cuts so badly they need stitches is struggling more than the person who only needs some steri-strips.
Everyone self-harms in different ways and those who have little to no experience or knowledge of cutting as a means of self-harm, may not realise or know that there are different ways to do it. For example, I would just swipe across meaning the cuts were only significant if the object was sharp, otherwise they appeared to be scratches. Others, may gauge and almost dig, causing more significant trauma. Therefore, depending upon the means of cutting and the intention behind it and motivation for it, treatment options will vary and this does not mean one person is struggling more than another or is more unwell. 

TWO. The higher your dose of medication, the more poorly you are.

There are many types of psychiatric medication which have varying purposes e.g. anti-depressants, sedatives, anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers etc and there are also different medications within these categories in the same way that there are different painkillers e.g. paracetamol, Tramadol, morphine. And they work in different ways. If someone had broken their leg they may need 2mg of morphine but if someone has appendicitis they may need Tramadol and anti-sickness medications. Neither is more poorly than the other as they have completely different ailments. And it is the same in mental health. Someone with clinical depression may need a high dose of an anti-depressant but someone who has mood swings (for example in BPD) where depression is an 'episodic event' then a smaller dose may be sufficient. 

THREE. Voluntary inpatients are more well than those who are detained under the Mental Health Act.

Often a voluntary patient has agreed to go into hospital or to accept treatment, because they are threatened and told that if they do not go in voluntarily they will be sectioned and detained under the Mental Health Act 1983 and taken to hospital by force and kept there against their will. Those who may have previous experience in services and as an inpatient might believe that you are more easily and quickly discharged when it is recorded that you have gone into hospital voluntarily. Others may have experienced that being a voluntary patient should mean that you have more rights but this doesn't necessarily happen

FOUR. The more admissions you've had, the more you know about the system and services.

All mental health professionals have different opinions and views on situations and mental health Disorders and the subsequent ways in which people cope with their symptoms. For example, some Psychiatrists may prefer to air on the side of caution if confronted with a service user who was self-harming. They may go to drastic lengths to attempt to ensure this person's safety, for example, by detaining them under the Mental Health Act or sedating them. Another consultant, when faced with the same situation, may decide to allow the individual the opportunity to maintain their own safety and 'take responsibility for their actions.' Therefore, no matter how much contact with services you have, you can not predict decisions and attitudes etc.

FIVE. You are discharged from hospital when you are ready, and when you are well.

Many inpatients are so desperate to be discharged from hospital that they will fake recovery, pretend that they are better, stop self-harming, start eating... Whatever it is that has brought them into hospital. Some want to be discharged because they absolutely hate inpatient care, which could, again, be for many reasons... The ward that I was on promoted structure and so you had to be up at a certain time and attend groups throughout the day. For those who weren't used to this or willing to co-operate, their solution was to fake recovery in order to leave such an environment. In all honesty, professionals know that patients 'play the game' and although they can't always tell when this is what is happening, it does make them more suspicious of those of us who are actually improving! Also, even if you do improve in hospital, you may not necessarily be 'well' when you are discharged; you just need to be better. 

SIX. Being an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital, guarantees your safety.

Determination is a powerful thing, especially where self-harm and suicide is concerned. If someone is suicidal or intent upon hurting themselves then they'll go to any lengths to make this happen. Some inpatient units have 'seclusion rooms' and most are literally a room with a window in the door and a mattress inside. And you can still hurt yourself. Speaking from experience, I've been restrained into a seclusion room to stop me from self-harming and have then had to be sedated because I continued to. Also, someone may purely cut as a form of self-harm but once hospitalised without their usual sharps, turn to another - and possibly more dangerous, form of self-harm. Finally, some thought must be given to the fact that patients can find ways to sneak sharps or tablets into hospital, if unable to source them on the ward.

SEVEN. Those patients and service users who hallucinate are more poorly than those who don't.

Having hallucinations could be an indicator of a very serious mental health disorder but, this is not always the case. Sometimes hallucinations can be stress related as they usually are with Borderline Personality Disorder. Ultimately, experiencing the hallucinations is enough to warrant treatment despite it's possible cause; mine were stress-related my an anti-psychotic medication helped me to get control over them whilst I engaged in therapy. As with all mental health diagnosis; different people will experience different symptoms to a different extent and degree. Two people who have depression will be completely different. One may be unable to find motivation to do anything. The other might turn to self-harm and even attempt suicide.

EIGHT. Initiating help when you self-harm or attempt suicide, means you did it for attention.

People will overdose and self-harm for many different reasons. From my own experience, I would often take such drastic action in response to commands from my auditory hallucinations. This meant that after doing what they wanted, they were go quiet again and I was able to enlist help. I would often overdose to make the voices happy, they'd silence and I'd go to A&E because I don't want to die and then the voices would begin and I'd have to refuse treatment or run away. That confused people; I'd seek help and then refuse it. Also, the majority of moods and feelings are transient, and so self-harming or attempting suicide whilst feeling depressed, low, anxious, triggered etc could mean that once your mood improves, you want help for what you have done to stop it from killing you. It has nothing to do with attention.

NINE. Service Users motivate one another to recover and are good support systems for one another.

I would love to say that this is 100% true. Because it should be. But realistically, and from experience, this isn't always the case. If you make a friend as an inpatient then you're incredibly lucky.If you meet a person in Hospital who encourages you to recover and to co-operate with the staff, then you're onto a winner! The problem is, everyone is at different stages of recovery and has different experiences of services. In terms of recovery, someone may have just been admitted and are hell-bent on self-harming and angry at professionals who try to stop them. They may be others on the ward who no longer self-harm and find therapy and staff support incredibly helpful with this. Therefore, when you get two inpatients who are at the same (low) stage of recovery together, their methods to self-harm etc will be shared. Personally, I witnessed girls on the ward I was on, teaching one another how to self-harm by inserting hair grips under the skin. It became some sort of twisted trend and so many of the girls were doing it and needing operations to extract the grips. Once I learnt which inpatients were 'bad' for me/unhelpful with my recovery, I spent little to no time with them.Once my best-friend; Chelsea left, I mainly kept to myself in my bedroom other than at groups etc and Rebecca was really the only one I spent time with. I wanted to get better and some of the girls on that ward weren't so passionate about leaving the hospital.

TEN. (by Rebecca) Those with Anorexia are in recovery once they are at a healthy weight.

Anorexia is the most vicious killer I can think of, and the fatalities and complications can come at any point, even after physical recvery (I've maintained a healthy weight for about 4 months, and still ended up in hospital 6 times in the time from complications) or mental recovery (some days I don't hate myself. It doesn't stop my bones from aching). It doesn't discriminate. At the same time, mental recovery is even more complicated than physical and, horrible as it is, a healthy body does not mean a healthy mind. I hallucinate what's sort of the voice of my Anorexia most of the time, I'm engaging in unhealthy behaviours again and, if I'm honest, I feel constantly close to relapsing. That doesn't mean I will, but it also doesn't mean that magically hitting the healthy BMI category has cured me. Health is relative, especially mental. One man's poison and all that. I'll tell you something though, that doesn't mean recovery isn't possible. I'm living it, despite it all, but it's a journey and not a destination. Gaining weight, if necessary, is responding to a symptom and not the cause. It's like having piercing headaches constantly and expecting that paracetamol will cure it rather than mask it. Accepting a healthy weight is the first step, necessary to start, but not the whole journey.

A Few Things Worth Blogging

There's been a few things go on recently that are worth blogging about but not enough to deserve themselves a post each, so... Here they all! 

Firstly, I have now finished my studying at Bradford College. I began attending there whilst in hospital and enjoyed the Creative Writers Improving class before finding out about their distance learning prospectus. Since then, I've completed a number of courses and from all of them I've been able to draw on particular skills I've learnt and adapt them to my voluntary work. There was two courses left in the catalogue that I'd like to do but both would be out of personal interest so I've decided to put a pause on my education in order to focus on my blog and voluntary work with Youth Speak, Blind Veterans and my campaign with Fixers... I was going to write about this but my mood is so low that there'd be no passion in it and that wouldn't do the campaign justice so I'll blog it another time.
Speaking of my mood...
Yesterday morning was one of those when you wake up and just think 'today is going to be a bad day; I'm staying in bed...' But I got out of bed. BECAUSE I'M STUPID! Before I even left the house, I stubbed my toe on my bed, banged my funny bone on the dining table, jammed my finger in the door and broke a champagne glass which then sliced my hand into pieces trying to collect all the little shards. Then I wasn't happy with my outfit so I had to find another and I was dripping blood all over the place so I had to find a plaster and that made me late for my bus so I had to run out of the house. I get travel sickness but I took my pill for it but it didn't work! Luckily, I was on the top deck of the bus all by myself and I felt like I was having to swallow the sick down so I realised that I'd either have to get off the bus or just vomit. And yes, I was sick. On the bus. And yes, I know how disgusting and common that is but I'm only telling you so you can see how bad my day was going. I also used a newspaper to mop it up and then obviously moved seats. Paying in my Take A Break fee at the bank and picking up my replacement ipad went well except then I was at the train station far too early! 
Finally, towards the end of the meeting with Youth Speak in Durham, my hallucinations worsened. I saw worsened but they hadn't even been there so... Since I was put on the high dose, they've been gone again. But yes, the voices were talking over one another, as were some of the young people attending the meeting which meant I was getting very frustrated and angry. And then the rabbits (visual hallucinations) were all over the tables and thought of getting a taxi to durham train station, a fifteen minute train, a twenty minute walk and an hour-long bus resulted in me feeling unsafe. I could imagine myself finding sharps or buying paracetamol... When the staff saw me staring 'into space' (there were rabbits there for me though) they spoke with me and one agreed to drive me home but it was like... I could no longer just sit there listening to the noise, watching the rabbits put dirty paw prints on the table tops... I had to move! Anywhere! And I ran out. I onto an overpass over a dual motorway. I was being told to jump. I could see how easy it would be. But it wasn't. It wasn't easy because I don't want to die any more. In a way, it was easier when I did because it meant I didn't have to argue with the voices and disobey them which is physically draining and tiring. But I don't have a choice whilst I don't want to kill myself. And so, I called my Mum and the staff from the meeting found me and took me home so that I could take my medication and feel better. 
During my terrible day yesterday, there was a positive; I received an e'mail telling me that I have been nominated for a Mind Media Award in the bloggers category. I was over the moon. The past two years I've begged Mind to let me attend just to experience the event and one year, I begged readers to vote for me. And here it was! I finally got something I'd dreamt about and wanted for two years! I called my Mum and we squealed! When I finally put the news public I was more than disappointed with the response. I had two comments from people who basically, took away the sparkle from my moment. One of them has apologised and edited her comment and the other, just doesn't even realise what she's done! I think it got to me so much because I was already struggling and had a low mood. I just feel that, if a friend of mine got offered a massive opportunity then it's only natural to think 'wow! I'd love that' but there's no reason to say it out loud! All you need to do is say 'well done.' And a few people have made comments about this being the way things go when your blog does well and it's left me thinking if I can handle it escalating... If more and more good things come to me and my blog, if more and more people notice and get jealous, can I handle it. People think I'm confident but I'm not. And so, jealous comments genuinely make me question whether I deserve the opportunity.

"It can happen to anyone" - A guest blog by Angela Slater

I am really pleased to be invited to write a guest blog for this website and to be part of the great awareness raising that happens here. Mental health is something that is important to me and very close to my heart. Not just because I work in mental health for the Time to Change Campaign as the North east Regional & Equalities worker as well as doing freelance work in this area but because I experienced mental health problems myself from a young age.
Of course I would not have called it that then- in fact I would have been reluctant to talk about it at all. The fear and the stigma can be huge barriers. It is improving now but when I was young the only thing I can remember anyone saying about mental health was someone describing Karen Carpenter who lived with anorexia as ‘a silly girl who took her diet too far’. Of course we know more about different conditions now and people can name many of them- but there’s a long way to go before we talk about it in the same way as physical health.
I don’t know about you but I have friends who will tell me every detail about their bad backs, gynaecological problems and proudly show off their scars from an operation or falling off a bike? In fact if it was an operation they may also thoughtfully show me what was removed!! However they will whisper confidentially (in case anyone else hears) that they started taking anti-depressants a year ago. Or that they had been feeling very anxious but did not want to tell the doctor as it would be on their medical records. And I can completely understand this- after all there are so many misconceptions around mental health.
Some of the most damaging misconceptions are that if you have a mental health problem you are dangerous or unpredictable, that you could get better if you only put more effort into it (though nobody who has experienced it would choose to feel like that), that people with mental illness can’t work, that it is a weakness of character and it can only happen to certain people or of course it is just people looking to claim benefits. These are damaging lies that stop people getting the help they need in order to get well.
The reality of mental health is that it can happen to ANYONE regardless of age, education, disability, gender, sexuality or class. A person who experiences is more likely to be a victim than a perpetrator of a violent crime. At any one time mental illness will impact approximately 1 in 4 people. In the workplace around 1 in 6 British people are experiencing stress, anxiety or depression. 1 in 10 young people will be experiencing a mental health problem. This means that if it does not affect you directly it will affect somebody you know- whether you are aware of it or not. Of course some experiences and circumstances can make it more likely that a person may develop a mental health problem- but even the most privileged person with the most amazing life can develop a mental health problem. Nobody is exempt.
And this is why we need to talk about it. So people do not feel alone and isolated. So that people are able to get the help and support that they need and so that if it happens to you then you will not be alone. The research done for Time to Change showed for many people that the stigma and discrimination that they experienced around mental health had made them want to give up on their hopes and ambitions for the future and of those interviewed 27 per cent it had made them want to give up on life! This needs to be different before more lives are lost.
The things that I hope people take away from this blog are that mental health problems are something that can happen to anyone. That we need to talk about it in the same way as we talk about physical health, and that just because we see something in the media it does not make it true. We need to talk about mental health so that we see the realities rather than the damaging myths. So if nothing else, remember:

'It is Time to Talk, it is Time to Change!' 
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/

The Best of Mental Health on Pinterest

To see this pictures and more just go to www.pinterest.co.uk 

Note: To see what I've been up to recently, go see my vlogs on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxkWBmMgubKY3zfqH_VkZJg

TW: My Experience of Abuse & Advice Video

For a long time now, I've been trying to think of a video where I could just sit and record and talk and it's been hard because I wanted to make it relevant to my usual content. A massive motivation for me is to make what happened to me into something positive and if that means I have to tell the whole thing and use words I hate (abuse and rape), then I will. Please don't watch this if you think there's a risk that it'll trigger you and if you think you can cope and then struggle, please get support...

7 Days of BPD - Day Five: Q&A with Katie Bayne

1. Did you realise you had symptoms of BPD before being diagnosed with it?
Yes, I was one of those annoying people who had researched different conditions and was pretty sure I had BPD after reading quite a bit about it. I remember thinking “oh my god, it’s like they’ve taken all my symptoms and made it into a medical condition”.
2. How did your diagnosis come about?
It had been mentioned by my psychiatrist in the past, but she said that she was reluctant to diagnose me because of the stigma surrounding the condition. Then a few months later, I was in an acute psychiatric admission ward due to being suicidal, and when I was discharged, I had my discharge paperwork to hand to my GP, and on there it said that I was diagnosed with BPD. So I am not sure when I was officially diagnosed but I was never told face to face.
3. What is your understanding of BPD?
To my understanding, it is a condition that is partly genetic, partly environmental. It can portray itself in so many different forms but most people tend to have problems with mood swings, being hyper-sensitive to any perceived abandonment and hyper-sensitive to things in general, being impulsive, possibly problems with alcohol or illicit drugs. Often sufferers feel like they’re a child in an adult’s body and simply do not have the tools to cope with a ‘normal’ life.
4. Have you always agreed with your diagnosis? If not, why not?
I have always agreed with it but I have disagreed with how it has been portrayed many times.
5. What do your family, friends or loved ones think of your diagnosis?
Some of my family are sceptical; “but so many people could meet some of the criteria at any given moment, that doesn’t mean that they have BPD”, they try their best to understand I think but often believe that I am overreacting and just need to pull myself together. One family member in particular has BPD also so they ‘get’ it, but they disagree with the diagnosis simply due to the fact of how medical professionals often discriminate against people who do have it. My friends have been very understanding and have done their best to accept my quirks and problems.
6. What treatment have you been offered for BPD?
I have recently been offered DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy).
7. What treatment do you have or have you had? E.g. therapy, medication etc.
I have had CBT, and am currently undergoing a course of DBT. I have been on various anti-depressants, as well as anti-psychotics.
8. Which symptoms of BPD do you have?
(I have used the terminology from the PsychCentral page.)
* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation
* Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
* Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour
* Emotional instability due to marked reactivity of mood
* Chronic feelings of emptiness
* Inappropriate, intense anger, or difficulty controlling anger
* Transient stress-related paranoid thoughts or sever dissociative symptoms
9. Can you describe what they’re like?
The only way I can describe any of it, is if you imagine that you are a child who is asked to live an average adult’s life, and cope how an adult would. You simply couldn’t. It isn’t that we want to be how we are. We simply cannot help it. Being terrified (yes, terrified) of people leaving me, is something that I wish didn’t affect me, but it does and it is absolutely horrible. And it would be lovely to not get angry over stupid things, like someone forgetting to buy me pasta when I needed it; the worst part is that I know how irrational I am being, but still I cannot help it. Long story short, it’s hell. And I would happily challenge anyone who thinks that people with BPD are melodramatic or attention-seekers to live just one day in our shoes.
10. Which do you feel is worse, and why?
Probably the fear of abandonment and relationship problems; despite being an introvert, I am still very much a people person, so being liked and being close to others is extremely important to me. However, my fear of abandonment turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy because I get so scared of them abandoning me that I try my best to get them to stay, but by doing that, I push them away until they do leave. That and the suicidal behaviour and self-harm, simply because of the possible damage to myself (and the psychological damage to others).
11. How are you treated by mental health professionals?
I’ve had great experiences and bad experiences, mainly in psychiatric wards but sometimes in outpatient services too. Often I feel like I’m not taken seriously because (in my eyes) they think everything I say is for attention.
12. Do you feel they treat you differently to service users with other diagnosis?
YES! I’ve thought this so many times; ‘if I had depression instead of BPD then maybe they would listen to me’. It’s so frustrating, and of course no one would actually admit it but they definitely do.
13. Have you had any bad experiences of mental health services?
Yes. I was “allowed” to take an overdose while in a psychiatric ward. While I’ve been an outpatient, I have told professionals multiple times that I’m suicidal and have a plan and none of them have bothered to actually make sure that I am safe. I have been treated like an attention seeker and patronised.
14. What has been your best experience?
When I was inpatient for being suicidal, I had the most wonderful nurse. She was like a best friend and a big sister. I wasn’t treated like a patient by her, she was 100% honest with me, made things fun, and all in all, made my time inpatient so much happier. She made such an effort with me and it will never be forgotten.
15. Do you have any advice for others with BPD?
If people judge you for having BPD, get rid of them. Anyone who judges you, isn’t worth your time. Try your best to co-operate with mental health services, as frustrating as they can be sometimes. And lastly, never give up, people with BPD are the strongest, most inspirational people I know, and every single one of you can get through this.
16. What or who has helped you the most and how?
I don’t think I could say one thing or one person. It’s more a combination of things; my environment, family, friends, etc.
17. Is there anything you wish you’d known when you first began your journey?
I wish that I had known how difficult things can be, but also how good things can be. Sometimes when things are at rock bottom, that’s when rays of sunshine peek through. It could be as little as a flower blooming, or my cat saying hello. But I wish I had known that there are positives in every day, because once I knew that, life didn’t seem quite as cruel.
18. Do you have any regrets of things you’ve done because of BPD e.g. self-harm etc?
I regret ever beginning to hurt myself, and I regret the suicide attempts I have made. I regret ruining relationships. I regret many things.
19. Is there anything you think should be improved in mental health services?
DBT should be available in every area, and I believe that there should be specific personality disorder teams, so people don’t have to deal with judgemental ‘professionals’ who don’t understand.
20. Have you had experience of being in a medical hospital since your BPD diagnosis? Was it different to before your diagnosis?
I didn’t find any difference.
21. Why did you begin blogging?
I only began blogging recently, but I have been part of Twitter and Instagram for much longer; I knew that there was a mental health recovery community, and I thought that it might make me feel less alone.
22. What affect has it had on your life?
Again, I began blogging too recently for it to have any effect, but Twitter and Instagram have been a huge help through difficult times, it’s a bit like having a friend.
23. Have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric ward? If so, what was your experience like?
I have been in a psychiatric ward twice. It was mostly helpful, I was admitted due to being suicidal so apart from once when I attempted suicide, I was safe. Most of the staff there were nice enough, and there was a few special ones who obviously really cared about the patients and loved their job.
24. What do you like to do in your spare time? E.g. career/education and hobbies/interests.
I love to horse ride, spend time with animals (especially horses and cats), read books, hoard stationery… I am currently unemployed however I have worked in retail in the past. I only left school a couple of years ago so I haven’t had a lot of time to do much else.
25. Is there any last thing you’d like to say?
Borderline personality disorder is not a life sentence. Recovery is possible. And if a loved one has BPD, please try your best to accept them for who they are.

Find Katie On...
Instagram: @katie.fights
Twitter: @ktlives
Blog: www.katyscupoftea.blogspot.com

7 Days of BPD - Day Four: Q&A with Claire Hill

1. Did you realise you had symptoms of BPD before being diagnosed with it? No, to be honest I had never heard of the diagnosis of BPD before. 

2. How did your diagnosis come about? Unfortunately, my health deteriorated. I had planned my own suicide the morning before work, my partner worked out my plan and took me to an emergency appointment with my GP. I voluntarily entered a psychiatric ward for what I thought was a day. Sadly was I wasn't allowed to leave until 2 weeks later. I was seen by a doctor and after a few meetings I was then diagnosed with BPD. This was hard to understand and to hear, as from the age of 15 I had been treated for depression. I felt alone and confused I had no idea what it meant or how I could be treated. 

3. What is your understanding of BPD?

I'm not sure how to place that into words, it's a condition where it's difficult to cope with all emotions. (How I kinda see it)

4. Have you always agreed with your diagnosis? If not, why not? Yes it explains all my history of mental health, and explains all my struggles.

5. What do your family, friends or loved ones think of your diagnosis? My parents had a really tough time understanding the diagnoses. They were really concerned thinking I had been sexually abused as a child. However this is not the case. My parents thought they had done wrong by me, with my bringing up. This has been difficult to watch them worry over, but with support from a group they attend in the north east they have stopped blaming themselves and understand it's a 'problem' with the brain. Due to all the reading my mam is sure she has traits of BPD, and this has helped her understand her mental health too. 

My partner has be amazing and so supportive. He has a tough time and has done even before I was diagnosed but he has much more of an understanding why I am the way I am. My best friend is the same, she attends A&E with me on tough days and is always there when I need her. In reality I'm lucky I have such a good support group, but it's not always easy to see that.

6. What treatment have you been offered for BPD? I'm on a waiting list for another dialectical behaviour therapy course. I'm currently seeing a psychologist, my CPN and my medication.

7. What treatment do you have or have you had? E.g. therapy, medication etc. I've undertaken a DBT course which lasted 7 months 2 hours a week. I'm currently taking 300mg of quetiapine and 225mg of venlafaxine. 

8. Which symptoms of BPD do you have? Taken from (Mind)

I have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger

I find it difficult to make and maintain relationships, friendships are the worst! 

I have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with.

I harm myself or think about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)

I'm fear being abandoned or rejected or being alone

 And sometimes I  believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) -dinosaurs :(

9. Can you describe what they’re like?

A 'roller coaster,' friendships are so difficult to keep, I struggle with splitting, same with family. It's horrible and puts loved ones in really difficult situations. When I'm at my worst I believe dinosaurs are coming to get me and take me away. 

I've mentioned how I struggle with my identity I change when I'm around people and my partner struggles to understand who I am. I'm just starting to learn about my emotions and finally label them. The best way to explain this is by comparing me to a 3 year old. I'm confused by what I feel.

10. Which do you feel is worse, and why?

I think that it's SH has been ongoing since I was 15, and splitting. It's caused problems in my career and my social life.

11. How are you treat by mental health professionals? Very well, my group of MH are excellent :) I really couldn't fault them now after a change of CPN.

12. Do you feel they treat you differently to service users with other diagnosis? I'm not sure to be honest, a lot of people I know state the professionals see 'us bpders' as attention seeking. I think SPA does when you call and you need the extra support on an evening, they seem very quick to judge and pass you off.

13. Have you had any bad experiences of mental health services? My previous CPN gave me conflicting advice, the police hand cuffing me and dragging me out my house like I'm some sort of terrorist or evil person. Past boyfriends and jobs not understanding or supporting me.

14. What has been your best experience? My 'former' therapist Matt has been amazing, he's really opened my eyes to why I am the way I am.

15. Do you have any advice for others with BPD? Read everything possible, ask as many questions and please don't feel like you're alone. 

16. What or who has helped you the most and how? My partner and family/friends as mentioned above. And I think the correct medication. Also having a CPN who understands what BPD and can help use DBT.

17. Is there anything you wish you’d known when you first began your journey? That I'm not alone, I felt so lost and lonely when I was DX. There are other people out there who have similar experiences.

18. Do you have any regrets of things you’ve done because of BPD e.g. self-harm etc? I disassociate quite a lot so I have very little memories of my past experiences. I think putting my loved ones through tough times. 

19. Is there anything you think should be improved in mental health services? Yes, more people working in MH and more people who fully have a good understanding of what bpd is. MH needs more funding.

20. Have you had experience of being in a medical hospital since your BPD diagnosis? Was it different to before your diagnosis? No

21. Why did you begin blogging? I tried but as I've said I'm not good with words, and I gave up sadly. 

22. What affect has it had on your life? I'm still negative about BPD I think it ruins my life when it gets the chance. I don't like to admit it's a part of me. 

23. Have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric ward? If so, what was your experience like? As mentioned above, I went in voluntary. I had never been in psychiatric ward before. I was really scared to start with but after a few days I found my ground and made some friends.

24. What do you like to do in your spare time? E.g. career/education and hobbies/interests. I'm a childcare lecturer at college, I struggle to entertain myself, I have no hobbies and my job is my life. I'm really confused when it comes to who I am - as I really don't know outside of my job.

25. Is there any last thing you’d like to say?

Aimee is an inspiration and she makes your realise there is hope and help which can get us slowly back on the right path. 

7 Days of BPD - Day Three: Q&A with Jane Keal

1. Did you realise you had symptoms of BPD before being diagnosed with it? I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't know what. I didn't seem to fit the criteria for depression/anxiety that I'd previously been diagnosed with, so had to keep pushing.
2. How did your diagnosis come about? I started having another really rough patch of it, the severe lows etc, and so went to the GP. From that she mentioned the idea of BPD, which I'd read a little bit about but not loads. It seemed to match up perfectly though!
3. What is your understanding of BPD? That its incredibly misunderstood! For me its a case of not always knowing how to react, but not being able to trust my reaction either, that tends to be a big part of it. Ties in to the unstable emotions, tiny things can set me off, but I don't know if I have a right to be upset or not.
4. Have you always agreed with your diagnosis? If not, why not? Even doctors can't always agree with it! There seems to be an unwillingness to diagnose BPD. Thats the 'label' thats made it make most sense to me though, the one I can identify with
5. What do your family, friends or loved ones think of your diagnosis? When I told one of my friends her first reaction was 'well yeah, that kinda obvious...' and the vast majority have been supportive. I've lost friends and relationships because of it though.
6. What treatment have you been offered for BPD? I was offered DBT but so far nothings happened.
7. What treatment do you have or have you had? E.g. therapy, medication etc. Before the BPD diagnosis I've been on antidepressants and been through CBT but I don't feel either of those really tackled the BPD issues properly.
8. Which symptoms of BPD do you have? Oh god I'm textbook at times haha! Unstable identity, severe mood swings, impulsive behaviour, fear of abandonment so being a bit extreme with that. Luckily I don't tend to have the hallucinations
9. Can you describe what they’re like? I wish I could, it would make it so much easier! Its hard because I can see that I'm being irrational, but can't do anything about it until after that episode is over, so a lot of mistakes get made. The lack of identity can get really confusing sometimes too.
10. Which do you feel is worse, and why? The emotional instability, especially when I know deep down the reaction is incredibly extreme. Feeling that is horrible, and it just gets you into a vicious cycle that makes you feel worse.
11. How are you treat by mental health professionals? One once told me that BPD was used as a diagnosis when nothing else would fit.
12. Do you feel they treat you differently to service users with other diagnosis? I feel like its not always taken as seriously as others.
13. Have you had any bad experiences of mental health services? Yes, when I was in A&E off an attempt, I was treated awfully (I'm actually about to do a blog post about this, will send you the link :))
14. What has been your best experience? I once had a GP who really listened, she was the one who gave me the diagnosis, and that meant the world. Everyone else just brushed it off.
15. Do you have any advice for others with BPD? Talk to people. If you can't talk to family/friends then get on something like Twitter, because you're not alone in it. Having it does not make you a bad person
16. What or who has helped you the most and how? Twitter because there is an understanding from speaking to people who've been there you don't otherwise get, and that can really help you make sense of it in your own mind.
17. Is there anything you wish you’d known when you first began your journey? That there is a massive online support community, thats been my biggest help.
18. Do you have any regrets of things you’ve done because of BPD e.g. self-harm etc? I think regretting things would make them harder to deal with. It happened and I've learnt from it.
19. Have you had experience of being in a medical hospital since your BPD diagnosis? Was it different to before your diagnosis? No
20. Why did you begin blogging? To try and help make people more aware of BPD because its so massively misunderstood.
21. What affect has it had on your life? Its nice to have somewhere I can be completely honest, writing it down seems to help.
22. Have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric ward? If so, what was your experience like? Thankfully not
23. What do you like to do in your spare time? E.g. career/education and hobbies/interests. The normal stuff! Work Monday - Friday, spend time with friends at the weekend, that kinda thing! I'm also involved in local radio which is a bit different!
24. Is there any last thing you’d like to say? Massive thanks to the lovely Aimee for doing this, cannot wait to read other peoples replies!

Jane has a blog at: http://bpd-me.blogspot.com/