THE REALITY OF LIFE AFTER ATTEMPTED SUICIDE | TW

I’m all for using previously popular posts as inspiration for new content, and the success of my post ‘THE REALITY OF LIFE OF LIVING WITH SELF-HARM SCARS’ last April, has inspired my thoughts around this new post about what it’s really like to continue living after you’ve attempted suicide. Another inspiration for this post came in the form of someone sharing an in-depth look into their suicide attempt story after finally recovering from jumping off a bridge and ending up in a coma and with a lot of broken bones and internal injuries. This person’s aftermath was obviously a completely different journey to my own, especially physically, but it inspired me to talk more about the consequences to a suicide attempt rather than my usual concentration of the run-up to one and the actual act of it.


I’d like to also give a trigger warning (TW) to this post because after the media shared the means which Caroline Flack used to commit suicide, there was a lot of controversary in the mental health community around the necessity of disclosing this information. Some people worried that it would trigger others to follow suit and some thought it completely inappropriate and unnecessary to talk about the method. Personally, I agree that it isn’t relevant to tell the general public such details, so for this post, I will talk about the method of suicide I used only where it is necessary and relevant such as when I talk about the physical aftermath. If you’re concerned that this information will be upsetting, then please don’t continue reading this post! If you do read on and it becomes triggering, please use healthy and safe coping mechanisms and speak to a professional for help and advice.

THE PHYSICAL AFTERMATH

This is probably the only area where talking about the method I have used is relevant, so I thought I’d get it out of the way quickly! I also thought I’d talk about this aspect first because it is probably the most immediate because all of my suicide attempts have been through overdoses of paracetamol. 

HOW TO TURN DOUBT INTO SUCCESS | CELEBRATING 700,000 READERS!!

“If you have a dream, don’t just sit there. Gather courage to believe that you can succeed and leave no stone unturned to make it a reality”

Dr Roopleen

As if my little blog has just passed the 700,000 readers mark! Like, what?!

I’ll never be one of those Bloggers who can say that I always had confidence in my blog to take off and become as popular and successful as it has, but not because I don’t have faith in, I’m NOT Disordered. It’s more that I didn’t have too much faith in myself and my own capabilities and skills as a Blogger. I’ve never been a fan of blowing my own trumpet because I’ve always worried that I’d come across as full of myself or self-involved; but since starting I’m NOT Disordered in 2013 I’ve developed an understanding that it’s all about your motivation for blowing that trumpet! If you’re doing it for the attention or to boost your own confidence then maybe it’ll come across as selfish, but where it’s about being passionate and enjoying something, it should be seen as an effort to raise awareness of what you are so excited about. I mean, when I’ve been asked to give talks and presentations about my own mental health journey I’ve been stuck for words and have felt nervous and reluctant; but when it’s been more about talking all things blogging? Well, just try and shut me up!

HOW TO COPE WITH TRIGGERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA

“Is there any way that you can stop it from happening?”

“I’d have to delete my entire Twitter!”

I like to think of myself as quite a fair and balanced person so that whilst I stand by the fact that I’m NOT Disordered has been hugely life-saving in many different ways, I’ll also talk about the fact that social media can sometimes be very negative and harmful. And it is my recent experience of this that has inspired this blog post…

A few accounts I follow on Twitter, follow an account that is largely connected to my abuser and so occasionally that account’s content will appear on my newsfeed. Last week, a photo appeared. It was of my abuser back at work and in a position where he could re-offend. So many difficult emotions came to the surface; ones that I hadn’t felt in a very long time and I reverted to old coping mechanisms. I felt frustrated that no matter what I – and others – say, he seems untouchable. Invincible. I had to go through so many obstacles and challenges in order to finally report the abuse to the Police; and the fact that CPS are refusing to prosecute, just makes it feel so frustratingly pointless. It was like: ‘why did I bother working so hard if it was all for nothing?!’ I was so blinded by these overwhelming thoughts and feelings that I didn’t stop to consider how I was responding to them. I didn’t use my Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills or ring someone to talk it through; I just turned all of the frustrated anger on myself. I knew I wasn’t the right person; I’ve learnt that I don’t deserve to be in pain or to be going through everything I have experienced; and that suicide isn’t the best revenge. My Nana and Mum always brought me up to believe in karma and that what goes around comes around, and if this is true then I want to – and need to – be alive to see him get his comeuppance.

CAN TUNNEL VISION EVER BE A GOOD THING?

“Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions, and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, are you ready to see that vision?”

Huey Freeman

I’ve recently had a friend start struggling with their mental health and I’ve witnessed them go into tunnel vision where they were so set and so focused on one thing it was as though nothing I could say would even be heard, never mind have an impact! It was strange for me to actually see it because my Mum has always described me as having tunnel vision when I’m mentally unwell and struggling with thoughts to self-harm or with suicidal feelings. 


But self-harm and suicide aren’t the only aspect of mental health where tunnel vision is used; and they weren’t the first area I used mine in. The first time I can think of that I used tunnel vision was with the abuse I went through when I was fifteen, and I thought that no one would believe me if I were to report it to someone. My own conviction and the fact that it was consistently supported by my abuser and his comments on how everyone already thought me to be a liar and how no one would believe him capable of doing such a thing, cemented this belief. It turned any evidence to the contrary invisible and no matter how many opportunities I had to tell my lovely, caring, mum what was happening to me; I just couldn’t see beyond the conviction that she’d not only not believe me but she’d disown me for lying too! I was so truly lost in this lonely, isolating thought that had left me feeling so completely disregarded and forgotten about – the exact opposite of what was actually going on at the time(!) – that I almost wondered if I were the only person in the world. 

TWENTY OF MY FAVOURITE QUOTES

“What’s broken can be mended, what’s hurt can be healed. No matter how dark it gets, the sun’s guna rise again”

-          Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

“By the time I’m finished, they won’t even know your name”

-          Ke$ha – Pray

“I used to think, what if there was a button; that I could push and, all of the things that’ve complicated my life would just unhappen…?! I would push it and all of the people that shouldn’t have died would still be alive, I wouldn’t have hurt anyone or disappointed them, and no one would’ve hurt me, or lied to me and this whole mess would just be cleared up! But if I push that button; I would be gone too. I’m me because of what has happened, what I’ve done and because of who I love. I like that person. That me. Mess, and all!”

-          Aria Montgomery, Pretty Little Liars

“You’ve got the words to change a nation, but you’re biting your tongue, you’ve spent a life time stuck in silence, afraid you’ll say something wrong, if no one ever hears it how we gunna learn your song?”

-          Emeli Sande – Read All About It (pt 3)

“It never occurred to me that I’d have something to give. A way to contribute.”

-          Liv Moore, iZombie