THREE REASONS THAT MAKE ME REGRET SELF-HARMING

In my relapse these past few months, there’s been a lot of self-harm – whether that be through cutting or overdosing – and after my most recent overdose I came to the realization that I often regret self-harming but I rarely regret not doing it. If that makes sense.

My self-harm almost always comes as a result of the voices I hear telling me to do it but occasionally it’s from memories and thoughts about the trauma I went through when I was younger. If I manage to use my DBT skills, call the Crisis Team, or take Diazepam (and it work) then I never wake up the next day thinking ‘God I wish I’d cut last night!’ Admittedly, though, if I wake up the next day and the voices and memories are still there then I often think ‘let’s just do it!’

But then I do – I cut, or I take an overdose and I go through all of the consequences that brings and there are sometimes when those consequences seem worse than if I’d just tolerated the voices a little longer or called the Crisis Team one more time.

My hope is that this post will inspire others to come up with their own list of things that make them regret self-harming to help motivate them to stay safe and to use their own coping skills more.

FROM CUTS TO CARLISLE | HOW I CHANGED MY MENTAL HEALTH AROUND IN A WEEK

*Note: This post contains talk of self-harm*

Last Friday (15^th June) I had a complete mental health crisis in the form of two dissociative episodes within hours of one another.

One minute I was at home watching Netflix and the next thing I knew I was staring at a huge cut in the palm of my hand, blood dripping from it and covering the floor; which was littered in pieces of a broken cup. I still can’t for certain that I smashed the cup on purpose and cut myself but since I’ve done that in the past it seems like the logical explanation(!) I think that the only thing stopping me from accepting that as the case is the fear that comes with it. If I’m capable of completely switching off from the world and self-harming without knowing it, then what the hell else am I capable of doing?!

If Memories Don't Go Away, How Can You Ever Get Better?

TW: I'll be using vocabulary that may trigger

                       

Once something has happened, you can't make it un-happen. That's it. And this bodes true for good things, although I doubt that's something you'd want to take back. Sometimes you do forget these things - even the bad ones. 

Not sexual abuse though. Or rape. No one tends to forget these things. Even if they have a positive affect on a person's life e.g. inspire them to enter into a particular career or take a particular life path that leads to success. More often than not, this isn't the result of such traumas.

Through lack of media publicity and sexual education classes, I had no idea that I was being 'groomed', 'sexually abused' and then 'raped.' I knew it hurt. In every way possible. It hurt. And I knew that the memories he'd given me had the potential to be fatal. They could kill me. Or, as some would say, my reaction to them could kill me. I have finally found my fight against this. So what that some are raped and go on to become High Court Judges that regularly sentence rapists. That's their reaction. They haven't had my trauma. No one has. 

And I haven't 'chosen' to react in the way that I have. I tried all sorts of ways to cope and self-harming was the only method to have a lasting affect. It made me feel better for longer than alcohol or starving myself ever did. I shouldn't have been put in a position where I've needed to rely on such coping mechanisms. And why, eight years after my trauma, am I still cutting myself and feeling suicidal? Because you can't make it un-happen. Because eight years later I can still remember what was done to me. And it's safe to say that will never change. So how can I possibly get better? Why would I ever stop hurting myself? 

Because life goes on. It has to. And as long as I have longer periods of time where I'm living and loving life, accepting opportunities, achieving and safe, then for now, that's fine by me. Because right now, at this point in my life/recovery, the memories are still potentially fatal. And all I can do is try my best to stop it happening or - at worst - delay it for as long as possible.

And why am I still in recovery when I have three new stitches in my leg? Because I tried to stop it happening, I got help when it did, I regretted it and I've learnt from it. 

When I felt more when I cut my leg than I did when I reached 100k, regardless of how my social media may portray this, it made me angry. Angry at HIM. I'm always angry with him. And this is what I've learnt from the stitches: him reading on here that I've cut so bad I needed stitches is not the best revenge. The best revenge is for him to read about me in the newspaper, see me on TV, or hear me on the radio talking about my recovery and successful blog with all of the opportunities it has given me. 

So let's start doing this: say a massive "fuck you" to whoever hurt you. Your smile really is the best revenge.