WHY I SPEAK UP ABOUT RAPE AND ABUSE

I wanna sing, I wanna shout.
I wanna scream till the words dry out.
So put it in all of the papers, I'm not afraid.
They can read all about it, read all about it, oh.

Nothing to hide
Stife and I smother
Suffered and cried
Strife made me tougher

Emeli Sande – Read All About It

I hope that there are some people out there who’ll read that title and say; ‘why shouldn’t she speak up?’ but I’m more confident that there’s people saying ‘yes, why the hell do you talk about it?!’

When the abuse started in 2006, I couldn’t – for one second – imagine telling over half a million people about it; I couldn’t imagine even telling one person! In the very early days, I didn’t even recognize that what he was doing was wrong; I only knew that it felt wrong and the absence of sex education and media stories about abuse and rape, meant that I didn’t even know what it was called. I hadn’t heard those words before; I didn’t know what they meant. I didn’t know that what he was doing to me had a name and because of that, I didn’t know that I wasn’t the only person in the world being hurt in this way. Of course, all of these things would have changed if I’d just taken the chance and spoke up. 

His promises that no one would believe me and my own worry that if people did believe me, they would think I’d deserved it, made me completely reluctant to tell anyone what was happening though. I was already having suicidal thoughts about jumping from a building or overdosing and I knew that if I told someone and one of those possibilities happened then it would be enough to just tip me over the edge and solidify my belief that dying would be the only escape from the abuse. I’d lost all sight of how telling someone could do any positive or good at all. I couldn’t imagine anyone believing me and so I couldn’t imagine anyone being able to make it stop.

ABUSE IN FIVE LOST QUOTES

I love writing posts like this! They’re so simple yet so enlightening. It’s comforting to have the ability to relate to someone or something. Even if it is a TV show and the quotes are scripted! And when they enable you to talk about thoughts and feelings in a way that is easier for others to understand. And that’s what this blog is all about; gaining a better understanding on all the different sides of abuse.

Quick thanks to Becky for lending me the DVDs!

Something I’d say to those who were in my life at the time:

1.     Hurley: “I thought it was kind of obvious. I mean, who couldn’t see that coming?”

THE STIGMA AND SHAME AROUND SELF-HARM SCARS

I am not a stranger to the dark,

Hide away, they say

‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts,

I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars,

Run away, they say

No one will love you as you are

-       Greatest Showman soundtrack – This Is Me

I recently had to see a Neurologist after I began experiencing seizures and was diagnosed with Non-Epileptic Seizure Disorder. In the run up to the diagnosis I’d had a few seizures where I’d come round and found people asking if I had a medical alert bracelet and on trying to find it, they’d discover my self-harm scars.

There was a mixed response. Sometimes there was ‘awww’ and ‘bless’ and sometimes there was ‘oh!’ and ‘have you taken something?’

WHY IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO REPORT ABUSE

So, I had a meeting recently (about a very top-secret project) and during it the issue came up about service users feeling like they’ve experienced a miss opportunity in reporting the abuse they’ve survived.

This often happens immediately when you get involved with mental health services – whether that be inpatient or outpatient/community – because the first contact is usually in the form of some sort of assessment and that often includes the question ‘have you ever been abused?’

For the abuse survivor who has kept quiet, this is yet another opportunity where they’ve not spoken up. Another time that they’ve been too scared to speak. Another time that their abuser has won. When, in reality, if you’ve never reported it before, why would you suddenly decide to? And secondly, if anyone was going to be the first person to be told, is it realistic to assume that person would be a complete stranger who coldly and clinically asks one of the most important questions you’ll be asked in your mental health journey – in your life?

THREE REASONS THAT MAKE ME REGRET SELF-HARMING

In my relapse these past few months, there’s been a lot of self-harm – whether that be through cutting or overdosing – and after my most recent overdose I came to the realization that I often regret self-harming but I rarely regret not doing it. If that makes sense.

My self-harm almost always comes as a result of the voices I hear telling me to do it but occasionally it’s from memories and thoughts about the trauma I went through when I was younger. If I manage to use my DBT skills, call the Crisis Team, or take Diazepam (and it work) then I never wake up the next day thinking ‘God I wish I’d cut last night!’ Admittedly, though, if I wake up the next day and the voices and memories are still there then I often think ‘let’s just do it!’

But then I do – I cut, or I take an overdose and I go through all of the consequences that brings and there are sometimes when those consequences seem worse than if I’d just tolerated the voices a little longer or called the Crisis Team one more time.

My hope is that this post will inspire others to come up with their own list of things that make them regret self-harming to help motivate them to stay safe and to use their own coping skills more.

FROM CUTS TO CARLISLE | HOW I CHANGED MY MENTAL HEALTH AROUND IN A WEEK

*Note: This post contains talk of self-harm*

Last Friday (15^th June) I had a complete mental health crisis in the form of two dissociative episodes within hours of one another.

One minute I was at home watching Netflix and the next thing I knew I was staring at a huge cut in the palm of my hand, blood dripping from it and covering the floor; which was littered in pieces of a broken cup. I still can’t for certain that I smashed the cup on purpose and cut myself but since I’ve done that in the past it seems like the logical explanation(!) I think that the only thing stopping me from accepting that as the case is the fear that comes with it. If I’m capable of completely switching off from the world and self-harming without knowing it, then what the hell else am I capable of doing?!

THE THINGS THAT MY ABUSE TAUGHT ME | THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY!!

1.     Don’t trust anyone

In the beginning - when he first started to hurt me – I believed that I couldn’t trust anyone. I thought that since a person who had been trusted so much by everyone around me, could turn on me and hurt me the way he did… well, how could I trust anyone again?! I learnt from this by trusting people anyway. And accepting when they – occasionally – let me down.

2.     Bad people exist in the world

I was brought up in a bubble. Wrapped in a ball of cotton wool. I didn’t realise that bad people existed in this world. I’d never met a bad person. I didn’t really watch TV shows or read articles in magazines that were about bad people and full of the bad things that they did. Looking back, I think that there wasn’t a lot in the media those days about abuse or anything like that. So when I found someone who could hurt me in the way that he did… Well, I was in shock the first few times he hurt me. I cope with this by remembering all the good people in my life.

AN OPEN LETTER TO ANYONE FEELING SUICIDAL

I get it.

I get it, ok?

You think everyone will be better off without you.

You’re terrified your hallucinations will get worse.

You feel like self-harm is no longer satisfying enough.

You believe that you don’t deserve the help being offered.

You aren’t being offered any help or support.

You feel hopeless.

A QUICK CHAT ABOUT MANIPULATION

manipulate

[muh-nip-yuh-leyt] /məˈnɪp yəˌleɪt/

verb (used with object), manipulated, manipulating.

1. To manage or influence skilfully, especially in an unfair manner: to manipulate people's feelings.

2. To handle, manage, or use, especially with skill, in some process of treatment or performance: to manipulate a large tractor.

3. To adapt or change (accounts, figures, etc.) to suit one's purpose or advantage.

4. Medicine/Medical. to examine or treat by skilful use of the hands, as in palpation, reduction of dislocations, or changing the position of a foetus.

I thought that I’d put the definition there because manipulation is something that can occur without you even knowing – or realising – it. And maybe someone will read this post and realise what is being done to them and seek the right help that they need to make it stop. And this is the point of my post – I had no idea when I was being manipulated (the Police, and mental health professionals have also referred to it as grooming which, I realise, is different but the two are linked so closely that I’d say both occurred. To me).