HOW TO COPE WITH ALL THE DIFFICULT BITS IN BEING A BLOGGER

When I’m writing a blog post and creating content for, I’m NOT Disordered, I always try to think of both sides to it – to consider whether someone could see the title and think or believe the exact opposite or at least view things from a different angle. And this post was no different; I recognise that the title might sound as though I’m ungrateful or being contradictory because I chose to create my blog and to become a Blogger, so to then say anything bad about it? Well, it might appear to some as though I have no right to do so because I’ve basically put myself in the situation and I’m pretty much choosing to stay in it! I’d like to think though, that regular readers of I’m NOT Disordered will recognise that I almost always talk exclusively about all the benefits and positive elements to being a Blogger and so to confront the difficult bits is a refreshing change and implies my recognition that there are definitely two sides to it...

QUESTIONS I’M ASKED MOST OFTEN

I’ve been working on a question and answer piece with a very special person recently and it made me wonder whether readers would be interested in me doing a little Q&A and publicly answering the questions I’m most often asked by professionals, service users, and readers…

About my blog:

Have you always enjoyed writing?

Yes, when I was younger, I was obsessed with horses and I used to write short stories about them and characters who would go for adventures with their horses or who were teaching riding lessons like the ones I was attending. They were mostly inspired by the Sheltie book series by Peter Clover (please tell me someone else remembers those?!). My Mum and Nana would read my stories and I thought that meant I was an Author. I loved watching them read my words and it was rewarding to see their reactions to something I’d put a lot of effort into. When the abuse started though, I stopped writing so much because I was so worried that I’d end up pouring my heart out and writing about what was happening to me; and for so many reasons I had to keep it a secret.

LESSONS LEARNT ABOUT RAPE & ABUSE | 13 YEARS SINCE MY ABUSE ‘ENDED'

TW: discussion of self-harm & suicide

I was sat on the bathroom floor with sharps in front of me and a strange, but sadly familiar, feeling in my entire body. My head felt full to the brim with thoughts to self-harm and an intense anger was gripping my heart. The scariest thing was that I didn’t know why, until I looked at my phone and saw the date; April 20^th. It was almost as though my mind and body were so well-adjusted to marking this day in some fashion every single year since 2007, that without even consciously noting the date, I still knew what it was!


Realizing the date, I found myself being left with a decision to make; should I go ahead and cut, or should I throw the sharps away and write a blog post about it?! Of course, I chose the latter, and not because it was the ‘easiest’ answer or the most straight-forward and without so many possible complications. I chose it because I had a choice and where there’s a choice, I will never choose self-harm anymore. If I’ve self-harmed in recent times, then it’s because I’ve felt it was the only coping mechanism robust enough to deal with whatever I was experiencing at that time.

TAKE NOTE: WHAT NOT TO SAY IN MENTAL HEALTH

Making sure that we're remembered, yeah
'Cause we all matter too
If the truth has been forbidden
Then we're breaking all the rules

So come on, come on
Come on, come on,
Let's get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend

Emeli Sande:  Read All About It (pt III)

Here’s another blog post full of advice that stems from experience rather than academic qualifications… Having been under mental health services for almost eleven years, I think that rather than wear the anniversary as a badge of pride or see it as an achievement, I’d rather use it to help others avoid being under services for that long. Part of that means also attempting to help the service providers in ensuring that they don’t repeat some of the things they said – which I now see as mistakes – to me, to others.
If you read this post and at any point think ‘there’s no way anyone would say that!’ every single comment has been said to me by a professional of some sort; Police, Paramedics, Doctors, Nurses, mental health staff… Admittedly a lot of these comments were made over the entire eleven-year period and most services have drastically improved in that time, but that doesn’t take away from the fact these comments were wrong and that people should know not to make them.
So, here are some of the worst things that have been said to me around mental health:

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN MENTAL & PHYSICAL HEALTH | MY TENDON SURGERY

There’ll probably be some people who follow me on Twitter who will be surprised that it’s taken me so long to blog about my recent injury and the subsequent surgery. I guess that with me putting the majority of my life on I’m NOT Disordered and social media(!), some people assume that I’ll talk about anything and everything. Whilst it’s true that I probably have less privacy boundaries than most people, you guys don’t know everything and sometimes it’s less about keeping things from you and more about me not being ready to talk about something. And that’s the case here… After meeting with my GP today and having a good cry and talk with her, I finally feel able to talk more about what happened to me on Boxing Day. 

HOW I FEEL ABOUT ADVICE

I was recently out with some friends and we got talking about someone we know who recently flashed off her CV in a seemingly desperate bid to illustrate her entitlement to her position in teaching. Later in the conversation, one of my friends was praising my use of social media – namely Twitter - and asking for my thoughts on an online project; seemingly deeming me to be an ‘expert’ in the field! It made me think though, about whether I’m comfortable being thought of in that way and looked to for that kind of advice…


When I first started I’m NOT Disordered in January 2013, my only technical abilities were to manage my own social media accounts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I think that in starting to blog, my priorities were more about it being therapeutic for myself to reflect, to provide my friends and family with insight into my life in the psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away from them, and to encourage others to talk more openly about mental health. It was never about improving my technical ability, getting so many readers, free gifts, and event invitations. I think that the fact I didn’t start off with these intentions makes me feel slightly like a fraud and that it is wrong to accept any recognition for my ‘skills’ in achieving such opportunities.

WAYS TO COPE WITH THE ANGER FROM ABUSE

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it?”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Have you ever seen the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them movie? It’s basically a spin-off to the Harry Potter series and in it, there’s this thing called an Obscurus which is the manifestation of violent, destructive energy from when a young Witch or Wizard has to repress their magic ability. That’s how I’d describe the anger I was left with as a result of the abuse because I repressed it for a while and so it eventually erupted into this powerful, detrimental, life-changing fury.


The first anger I experienced from the abuse wasn’t the first one that I reacted to. That sounds complicated… The first source of my anger that I actually responded to, was the anger against others; particularly, against my abuser’s colleagues. They were the people who saw myself and my abuser together the most and yet they didn’t stop the abuse. During the abuse, part of me thought ‘how the hell do they not realize what he’s doing?’ and the other part hoped they’d never find out. These two contradictions led to a lot of confusion for me and I struggled to accept that I was ‘allowed’ to be angry with these people. I wondered if I had no right to because I was doing all in my power to ensure they didn’t find out what was happening to me so how could I be so put out when they didn’t stop it?

“JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE SAID YOU FEEL SUICIDAL, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ACT ON IT” | HOW IT REALLY FEELS, MY ATTEMPTS, & THE STIGMA | SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY 2019

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare, you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

I umm’d and ahhh’d about doing this post today for two reasons; 1. I wrote a very similar post in December 2018 and didn’t want to repeat it, but I also recognize that there’ll have been a lot of new readers since then who may not have scrolled that far back. And 2. I once wrote a post (I think I ended up deleting it) for this day when I first began blogging and talked about the two attempts I’d made and had a comment from a reader saying ‘good luck with the third,’ but I’d like to think that the world has come so far with such spiteful comments around mental health. After rethinking my reluctance around the post, I decided that not producing content for this hugely momentous day (especially in the mental health industry) would almost be dishonest! Suicide has been such a huge part of my life that I thought it would be demeaning to not shed some light on the subject and of course – as always – I recognize how many people come to my blog for inspiration and I realize that I’m almost… setting an example? So, for me to not talk about suicide has the potential to encourage others also not to speak up about it; and that’s definitely not something I want to happen!

WHY RAPE & SEXUAL ABUSE ARE SO TABOO

ta·boo

[təˈbo͞o, taˈbo͞o]

NOUN

1.       a social or religious custom prohibiting or forbidding discussion of a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place, or thing.

synonyms:

prohibition · proscription · veto · interdiction · interdict · ban · restriction · boycott · nonacceptance · anathema

ADJECTIVE

1.       prohibited or restricted by social custom.

"sex was a taboo subject"

synonyms:

forbidden · prohibited · banned · proscribed · vetoed · ruled out · interdicted ·

[more]

VERB

1.       place under prohibition.

I don’t think I talk about LEAPS a lot on here because we have a very strict confidentiality agreement – but for those who don’t know, Listening Ear And Positive Support (LEAPS) is a support group for people who are unemployed. The nature of the organization means that there’s a lot of private and personal things discussed at the weekly meetings, but this was something I said so I guess it’s my decision to make it public…. A while ago, I secured Lottery funding for LEAPS with one of our budgets being to fund a group session on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). So, the other day at the CBT session we were talking about ‘errors in thinking’ and I gave a personal example about how – for a long time – I blamed myself for the abuse I went through. I’ve known this group of all men for over two years now and it made me wonder why I feel like I can talk to them about this…

BULLYING: MY EXPERIENCE, ADVICE & MESSAGES TO THE BULLIES

So, I went to my neighbour’s house yesterday and her daughter told me she had a headache, when I asked why the reply was a little more than I’d assumed it’d be. She told me she’d been on the phone all afternoon with her daughter’s (my neighbour’s granddaughter) school after finding out a boy was bullying her. Her daughter told me that the boy was spreading rumors about her and turning all of her friends against her, to the point where they shouted at her that day at lunch time. It brought back a ton of memories of when I was bullied at High School and then I began to worry… All of those stories you see and hear in the media about young people committing suicide after being bullied at School. That fueled my anger that it was now happening to a young person I cared about, and this; was the inspiration for this blog post.

“HOW CAN YOU BE SO HONEST ON SOCIAL MEDIA?”

I was recently telling a neighbor about my latest post: ‘THE REALITY OF LIFE AFTER ABUSE | TW’ and describing what I’d talked about in it when she asked me that question; how could I be so honest so publicly? And it got me thinking… then one of my inspirations; Victoria from InTheFrow wrote a piece titled ‘The Problem with Social Media & The Removal of Instagram Likes’ and I was even more confident about writing a piece on my thoughts and rationale behind being honest and upfront on social media.


You know that whole saying about having ‘a weight lifted’ and ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’? I had no idea what that meant or felt like until I started blogging on, I’m NOT Disordered. From November 2006, I wasn’t being 100% honest until January 2013 when the blogging began. That includes the times when I first told someone about the abuse, when I reported it to the Police, and when I had to tell my Mum what had happened to me. Yes, I was telling them something I’d kept a secret, but I wasn’t honest about all of my thoughts and feelings surrounding the abuse. I guess that I was still warming to the idea of talking about what had happened to me and so talking in more detail and in more depth? Well the only reason that didn’t scare the hell out of me was because I didn’t consider it would ever happen. If we went back to that day I was being interviewed in the horrible, falsely home-y room at the Police Station, I could never have imagined that I would end up writing the posts that I write these days. Keeping a huge aspect of my life a secret and then talking about it only halfway…? Well I hadn’t realized what a weight it had been until it was lifted.

THE POWER OF UNDERESTIMATING IN MENTAL HEALTH

Off the back of my most recent self-harm I was put under the care of the Crisis Team and when I had the assessment with them to decide whether they were going to put me on their caseload, one of the staff said something to me that inspired this post. She said; “I know you look very put together, but I know that you’re good at doing that when you’re actually really struggling inside.” It was really reassuring to discover that they knew this because it’s something that, I think, it’s something about me that takes a little while to learn and it’s something that’s kind of essential when supporting me with my mental health. I told them that my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) always says I’m like a duck because they look calm above the surface but underneath, they’re paddling furiously to stay afloat. That’s me. It’s so challenging to be this way because I feel as though mental health professionals are looking at me thinking ‘if you can laugh and joke then you can’t be suicidal.’ And the hardest part is, I understand why they’d think that way and honestly? If I hadn’t gone through what I have, I would’ve thought the same of another person. I think that I cope this way because while the abuse was happening, and I had all of the reasons that stopped me from telling someone, I felt like I had to put on a ‘brave face.’ And coping like that for so long – I didn’t report the abuse for two years – has meant that it’s sort of become ingrained in me. Like a habit. Or a knee-jerk reaction.

MY TOP TIPS FOR TWENTY SCENARIOS IN MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY

I learnt the hard way that mental health recovery isn’t linear. It isn’t about suddenly not self-harming, not wanting to die any more… I hope that my blog has shown this so that it doesn’t give people a misunderstanding in the way that I had. So as well as making this point, I wanted my blog to also support others as they learn this too…

1.    Feeling like you’ll never stop crying?

It has to. It has to stop eventually. But crying doesn’t have to be a bad thing – it doesn’t make you weak. You can view crying as a relief. It can almost be cathartic and therapeutic to allow the pent-up emotions, thoughts, and feelings leave your body in a – physically – painless way.

2.    Desperate for a distraction?

Be creative about this. A distraction doesn’t have to be the usual ones that mental health professionals ferociously advertise and recommend; like watching TV or reading a book. It can be cooking your favourite meal or going for a walk, completing a wordsearch, playing an online game, or de-cluttering your shelves.

3.    Angry?

Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. It’s all about how you manage it. Does it mean you’re unsafe? Does it mean you push people away? Or can it just be a natural response to a particular situation? Can it be an anger that anyone would feel? Can you cope with it in a healthy, and safe way? There’s the age-old advice of screaming into or hitting a pillow but there’s so many more productive things you can do too! Like throwing yourself into your work, education, or hobby. Letting go of anger can be one of the most powerful actions.

HIT OR MISS IN MENTAL HEALTH

So, because my last few mental health crises resulted in contact with the Police, and that contact was mostly negative; my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) has been speaking with Inspector Baker (who I’ve previously worked with in training Northumbria Police’s new recruits). They thought it might be a good idea for me to meet with an Officer from my locality. Initially, the intention was because one officer detained me under the Mental Capacity Act (2005) and I voiced that whilst I’d heard of the Act, I wasn’t aware that it gave Police any power. You see, I’ve had the Act used on me a couple of times, but it’s always been by either Paramedics or staff in a medical Hospital. So, my CPN’s thinking was to have the Act explained to me and for us (my CPN, myself and the Officer) to discuss a ‘plan’ in case there was to ever be another instance where the Police became involved in a mental health crisis with me. 


Initially, I was actually a little bit horrified at the idea because there’d been a similar meeting in 2012 before I went into Cygnet and so I worried that the fact professionals felt another meeting appropriate, meant that I really was going backwards. Things really were going back to the beginning. My CPN reassured me that the meeting was purely for a ‘what if’ situation and not – as the previous meeting had been – a necessity because such situations were inevitable.

"WE THOUGHT YOU WERE THE RINGLEADER" | MY THOUGHTS ON ENCOURAGING SELF-HARM | TW

“Do you know anyone in your town who self-harms?”

“Not in my town… nearby; why?”

“There’s a group of young girls encouraging each other to self-harm and for a while now, we’ve thought you were the ringleader!”

And that little quote, ladies and gentlemen, came from a Northumbria Police officer once he’d detained me under the Mental Capacity Act.

Now, does anyone remember #Cut4Bieber? If not (I wrote a post on it!), came off the back of a photo surfacing online of Justin Bieber taking drugs and his fans somehow interpreted it as a cause to feel hopeless and therefore a reason to self-harm. I think that when that occurred in 2013, it was the first time that I’d witnessed/experienced someone encouraging another person to do such an act.

But then as I spent more time in Hospital, I gained a whole new insight into the workings of the ward. When I was first admitted in 2012, I kept myself to myself and didn’t make the effort to get to know the other inpatients because I really didn’t think I’d be there that long (two and a half years in the end). When I realized I was in it for the long haul, I made friends with all of the girls and with one in particular. The upside to this was having someone to talk to who could identify with and understand me. The downside? I became part of the ‘club.’ Adopted the ‘us versus them’ mindset. It was this new insight that introduced me to the dark side of service user relationships with one another. Rather than supporting one another and bonding over our similar experiences and mutual thoughts, feelings, and coping mechanisms; some of the girls were encouraging one another to copy their own unsafe, and unhealthy coping skills of self-harm.

THANK YOUS IN THE MIDST OF A BLIP

Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game

-          Gravity from Wicked

I’m happy to finally be able to say that the most recent ‘blip’ in my mental health recovery seems to be coming to an end! Just like the beginning of this, I can pinpoint the trigger of it. I’ve talked a lot about how my abuser’s new job role sparked off a lot of old thoughts and feelings that led to a lot of old coping strategies but now I can finally talk about the causes of my stabilizing.

I think that the first thing was when I was asked whether there should be a phone call to the RSPCA to get my pets rehomed because if I was so intent on committing suicide then it wouldn’t be fair on them. Another trigger was the impact my suicidal intent had on those closest to me. It was a bit of a wake-up call – a common feeling for those who are suicidal is the belief that their friends and family will be better off without them. I too had this thought, but their reactions became evidence to the contrary. I realized – the hard way – that I was loved and when my Twitter was flooded with positive messages and hopes that I ‘feel better soon’ I really learnt that my work – this blog – was helping others and was told that without it, people might just give up hope. Sometimes, when you don’t want to be alive, the only way to move through it is to stay alive for the sake of others. That, at least, buys you some time to work on your thoughts and feelings until it you actually, finally, begin to feel better about yourself. The final trigger for this stabilization was the negative interaction I had with a particular Police Officer from the Northumbria Police force.

WHEN SHE | A POEM | BY AIMEE WILSON

When she fought, he won

When she stole, he caught her

When she looked, he hid

When she bent, he broke her

When she hurt, he caused it

When she ran, he gave chase

When she saw, he missed it

When she heard, he ignored

But when she died, they revived her

When she cut, they mended

When she swallowed, they treat

When she cried, they soothed

When she ran, they caught

When she lost hope, they showed her the way

She won back what he’d taken

She mended what he had broke

She stabilized what he had moved

She finished what he had started

She lived

“MENTAL HEALTH COMES IN EPISODES” “MINE FEELS LONGER THAN A MOVIE!”

S

So, I’ve talked a few times now (here and here) about the news I got that the person who abused me now has a higher role in his job, but unlike most things I’ve blogged about, I still haven’t seemed to have worked through it. I’m having the same view on it as I did with the actual abuse; I could talk about it until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t make it go away. It won’t make it un-happen! So, I’m left with ‘well how do I cope with it?’

Through my mental health recovery, I’ve gotten used to moving through things by talking or writing about it and using my Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills effortlessly. So effortless that I’ve not had to make a conscious decision to use them or a choice as to which I do use. They’re just there!

Understandably, this new thing has really thrown me off balance, because all of the healthy coping strategies are no longer so easy to come by. And I guess that’s why I sort of fell apart on Saturday (02.03.2019). I self-harmed and called the Crisis Team. They were brilliant, but then they said they’d have to send an ambulance I ran away, and they called the Police.

AN OPEN LETTER TO HIM | MY RECENT SELF-HARM

I heard you’re going around, playing the victim now

But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame, cuz you dug your own grave

Christina Aguilera – Fighter

When I first got wind of your new – and very inappropriate – job title, all of the negative emotions built up into a general sense that I was unsafe. From myself. When I rang the Crisis Team that night, they talked me through things and validated why I felt so awful. In fact, everyone I’ve spoken to about this has validated my thoughts and feelings on it. Everyone has agreed and has felt the same way; shock, anger, frustration… It’s hard because on the one hand, I hate the thought that other people are experiencing such emotions but on the other hand, it was comforting and reassuring to know that my reaction was ‘normal.’ Once you’ve been diagnosed with a mental disorder, you begin to question all of your thoughts and feelings; ‘is it my disorder that has me feeling like this?’ or ‘would anyone else be thinking the same as me in this situation?’

HOW IT REALLY FEELS TO BE SUICIDAL

So, I began writing this post and things became a little familiar, so I went back through recent posts and lo behold there was one on suicide from less than two months ago! I debated doing another but decided that since the previous one was so popular and that I’ll be writing this one with different/new content and in a different format, maybe I can get away with it…?!

After having consulted on Richmond Fellowship’s Social Media Guidelines, I was recently asked to look at the Suicide Prevention Policy to provide comments on the different aspects of it. In completing the feedback form, I realized that it must be difficult for organizations to devise such policies when the chances are that the majority of staff developing these actually don’t have any experience in what they’re trying to prevent. And I guess that’s why Richmond Fellowship consult with Service Users – they recognize that we can provide an insight into such a difficult topic that could better their care of others. Thinking up signs that a person is feeling suicidal, has the potential to save the life of someone exhibiting those signs who staff might have previously ‘overlooked.’ And sometimes there are signs that only someone who has experienced feelings of suicide can point out.