HOW I EARNED THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE A SPEECH AT THE EMTA CONFERENCE FOR THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF EMERGENCY MEDICINE, ALL THE ADVICE I’D GIVE, & A HUGE THANK YOU | #EMTA2025

"Action will delineate and define you."

Thomas Jefferson

When the Royal College of Emergency Medicine (RCEM) asked me to write another blog post after the event (I published one before the Conference; which you can read, here), I struggled to think what angle or theme I would use for it. So, I thought about why people come to I’m NOT Disordered anyway, and really, it’s typically about looking for advice and accounts of situations they’ve been in too – accounts which bring hope of recovery and tips on coping. But I also wanted to recognise that my life – and that of so many others – doesn’t revolve around trauma and mental illness. So, I created this post which contains a thank you, a couple of videos from the event, and is also full of advice and thoughts on the three actions I've taken which, I believe, led to me being invited to speak at this prestigious conference hosted by the Emergency Medicine Trainee Association (EMTA)….

WHY I’M PRESENTING AT THE EMTA CONFERENCE FOR THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF EMERGENCY MEDICINE & EXCLUSIVE INSIGHT INTO MY PRESENTATION! | #EMTA2025

“Be spectacularly great at what you do. Wear your passion on your sleeve and hold your heart in the palm of your hand. And work hard. Really hard.”

Robin S. Sharma

EMTA (@EMTAcommittee) / X

RCEM Events (@RCEMevents) / X

A number of years ago, I was asked to attend and blog at an event at a local University, and ever since, I’ve kept in touch with the Doctor who invited me. Then, a few weeks ago, she got in touch with me and offered me one of the largest and most prestigious opportunity that I think I’ve ever been offered – an invitation to speak at the National Conference for the Royal College of Emergency Medicine! It was one of those situations where you try to play it cool and act like things like this happen all the time… But actually, all that coolness went out the window and I just said: “oh my goodness! Are you serious?!” After a few emails with the lovely Conference and Events Officer, and confirmation of my train tickets and accommodation, I asked if I could announce my presentation on, I’m NOT Disordered and across my social media and was told “yes, please!” So, I’m going to use this opportunity to talk through a lot of the reasons why I’m doing this, to publish some feedback and comments from various professionals, and to provide some exclusive insight into my PowerPoint...

LYING & EXAGGERATING IN MENTAL HEALTH

“Things come apart so easily when they have been held together by lies”

Dorothy Allison

The inspiration for this post came when I was in Accident and Emergency (A&E) after my EPL tendon repair snapped (to read about the surgery, go here) and after being given painkillers and an emergency appointment at the Plastic Surgery Trauma Clinic, I was on my way out when I overheard a conversation… A girl had told her friends and the Doctors that she’d taken an overdose but – to one side of the waiting room – the Doctor told her that her blood tests had proven that she hadn’t; and after admitting to the lie, the Doctor asked her to leave the hospital. Outside the doors, her accompanying friends then promptly ripped her to shreds (verbally!), shouting that she was a liar and that they had wasted their time sitting with her in A&E.


Now, I feel like there’ll be three schools of thought on this one… There’ll be people who agree with those friends and think that the girl is disgraceful for lying about something like that. There’ll be others who think that the focus shouldn’t be on the lie; it should be about why she told that lie and the attention put into supporting the girl. Finally, there’ll be people who are balanced and can see the truth in both of the previous two thought processes. Me? I think I’m going to be pretty balanced on this one – something which might surprise some of you who know that overdosing is something I have experience of. Maybe that makes me more entitled to be angered by the lie; the fact that I have actual experience of the horrors of overdosing – the shame in telling others what you’ve done, the physical side-effects of anti-dote treatment, the subsequent mental health reviews…

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN MENTAL & PHYSICAL HEALTH | MY TENDON SURGERY

There’ll probably be some people who follow me on Twitter who will be surprised that it’s taken me so long to blog about my recent injury and the subsequent surgery. I guess that with me putting the majority of my life on I’m NOT Disordered and social media(!), some people assume that I’ll talk about anything and everything. Whilst it’s true that I probably have less privacy boundaries than most people, you guys don’t know everything and sometimes it’s less about keeping things from you and more about me not being ready to talk about something. And that’s the case here… After meeting with my GP today and having a good cry and talk with her, I finally feel able to talk more about what happened to me on Boxing Day. 

DEAR SERVICES, DO YOU KNOW THE POWER OF YOUR WORDS? | "DO YOU KNOW WHAT FEIGNED MEANS?"

Can’t you forgive me?

At least just temporarily

I know that this is my fault

I should have been more careful

Ariana Grande – One Last Time

These last two weeks have been so chaotic that I’m completely lost as to what has happened when because I’ve self-harmed so many times but on each of my hospitalizations (I think I’m on about four now) something has happened to inspire this post. 


On one of my hospital stays everything had been going well – I was telling staff when I was struggling, co-operating with the treatment for the overdose I’d taken, and keeping myself safe whilst I was in the Hospital. Then a Nurse – who I’ve met and had a similar dealing with before – made a comment about me ‘wasting a bed’ because she said that it was my own fault I was there. This comment – her words and attitude – saw me refusing the final blood tests and discharging myself. On my way out, I considered not telling the Sister and Doctor what she had said because I was a bit ashamed to admit that I’d let her comment get to me and a part of me always thinks ‘if you’re going to be open and honest about your mental health then you have to expect at least one response like that.’ Of course, it shouldn’t be that way; but the reality of mental health is that there are still people who hold that stigma and prejudice against those who are battling against it. I think that there’ll have to be a time when we recognize that no matter how many people - and how many followers they have – join the fight, we most likely can’t change the world.

AN IN-DEPTH LOOK INTO AN OVERDOSE | WHAT I THOUGHT, HOW I FELT, & WHAT HAPPENED

I almost couldn’t believe what I was saying when the lady in the shop asked why I’d passed out and I said that I’d gradually been overdosing on Co-Codomol since the previous day. You’d think that if anything, I’d be used to saying it and maybe even become quite ‘glib’ about it; but actually, it doesn’t get any easier – it still hurts to admit that you were so desperate to escape the hallucinations and memories of abuse that you tried to kill yourself. And it isn’t just with family and friends; I’m also ashamed and pained to tell Doctors, Nurses, and other professionals that I’ve ‘done it again’ because, I know it’s a very common thought process around mental health, but I actually wouldn’t blame someone for thinking me ‘weak’ for coping in such a way. Some people look at suicide as the ‘easy way out’ and I don’t blame them for misunderstanding something so scary and intimidating as going against all human instinct for survival and taking your own life. 

Telling the lady in the shop turned out to be a mistake because she called an Ambulance and when I refused to go to hospital with them, the Paramedics called the Police and I was told it was either put my seatbelt on in the Ambulance or put on handcuffs in the Police car; and so, of course, I fastened my seatbelt! Part of my refusal was because I wanted the overdose to work and for it to kill me, but a bigger part of it was about not wanting to upset the auditory hallucinations who were telling me not to go to the Hospital. I’d already bartered with them to hurt myself over hurting the people and things the voice was telling me to hurt; so, there could be no more compromising with it. I was no longer in control; my health, my thoughts, my feelings, my relationships… the voice owned them all. Agreeing to go to hospital, however, was much easier when it was the result of a threat from the Police and not my own volition.

“I DON’T KNOW IF ‘PROUD’ IS THE RIGHT WORD” | FOUR WAYS TO COPE WITH A HOSPITAL ADMISSION

Last weekend I began hallucinating again and – at their command – I took an overdose. I was in Hospital for over twenty-four hours and the only drama was caused by my veins; and a conversation with the Psychiatric Liaison Team about it, left me inspired to write this post!


As the overdose had been in response to the voices and not a suicide attempt, I took myself to A&E and agreed to have the lengthy antidote treatment known as Parvolex. Ironically, when I actually want the treatment and co-operate, my veins collapse and become generally useless so that it can’t be administered! The Doctors had many attempts and even called an Anesthetist with the ultrasound machine to try to insert the cannula, but they had no success, so my blood test was repeated. It was at this point that my co-operation was tested, and the Doctor made a comment “the tests will be ok unless you’ve actually taken as many as you say you have.” In the past, I’d have taken great offence by interpreting this as him basically calling me a liar! I’d have refused blood tests and treatment and left the Hospital – probably against medical advice and possible chased by security! Instead, I took the attitude that I’d let them do the blood tests and once he saw the results, they would prove I wasn’t lying. And that, would be much more gratifying!


After proving I hadn’t lied, I had to see the Psychiatric Liaison Team before I could go home and I told them that I wasn’t sure if ‘pride’ was the right word for it but that I was glad there hadn’t been any of the usual drama of me running away or refusing treatment. They told me that I could say I was proud of myself for it and that it shows that even though I was there for overdosing, I had come a long way over the years and could still be counted as being in recovery. But I don’t think the peaceful admission was due to my mental state; I think some of it came because of the things I’ve learnt that help me during a hospital admission.

TEN WAYS TO HELP SOMEONE IN A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

The Fray – How To Save A Life

When I felt suicidal recently, I cut my wrist. I’m sorry to say it so bluntly but there’s really no way to sugar coat something like that! Anyway, I’ve never done anything like that, so I got scared and when I saw all of the blood, I rang an Ambulance. They told me I needed stitches and took me to A&E but I got scared and I just couldn’t stay there so I left, the Police were called and they found me, told me I didn’t have capacity and took me back to A&E. A very cold Consultant came along and said I did have capacity before discharging me. When I got home, I took some Diazepam (a very mild sedative) and fell asleep. In the morning, I felt better and took myself to Minor Injuries for the stitches. Unfortunately, though, because the wound had been open for so long, they said it wouldn’t close and has had to remain open and be redressed every few days. When I spoke to my Mum, she asked why I hadn’t taken the Diazepam before cutting because it might’ve helped me and maybe I wouldn’t have done it. I told her that I hadn’t thought of it and she suggested that I write a list on the whiteboard in my Kitchen so that if I have another crisis, I can look at the list and try all of the coping skills that the crisis makes me forget. And then I thought, wouldn’t be good to come up with a list of things that I think everyone could know/use to support someone in a mental health crisis.

The most important thing to know, before you read this list, is that reading this and being prepared to use it doesn’t make you a professional because I’m not a professional. This list is just things that I’ve found helpful for both myself and others and it won’t work for everyone but there’s some really broad tips and some that could easily be adapted to fit the person’s crisis/personality/type of mental health problem. I mean, a mental health crisis will mean something different to different people. For someone with anxiety, a mental health crisis could be a panic attack. For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (like me) a crisis could be feeling suicidal. No crisis is any more or less severe than another. But that does mean these tips might not even be relevant for some people!

THANK YOUS IN THE MIDST OF A BLIP

Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game

-          Gravity from Wicked

I’m happy to finally be able to say that the most recent ‘blip’ in my mental health recovery seems to be coming to an end! Just like the beginning of this, I can pinpoint the trigger of it. I’ve talked a lot about how my abuser’s new job role sparked off a lot of old thoughts and feelings that led to a lot of old coping strategies but now I can finally talk about the causes of my stabilizing.

I think that the first thing was when I was asked whether there should be a phone call to the RSPCA to get my pets rehomed because if I was so intent on committing suicide then it wouldn’t be fair on them. Another trigger was the impact my suicidal intent had on those closest to me. It was a bit of a wake-up call – a common feeling for those who are suicidal is the belief that their friends and family will be better off without them. I too had this thought, but their reactions became evidence to the contrary. I realized – the hard way – that I was loved and when my Twitter was flooded with positive messages and hopes that I ‘feel better soon’ I really learnt that my work – this blog – was helping others and was told that without it, people might just give up hope. Sometimes, when you don’t want to be alive, the only way to move through it is to stay alive for the sake of others. That, at least, buys you some time to work on your thoughts and feelings until it you actually, finally, begin to feel better about yourself. The final trigger for this stabilization was the negative interaction I had with a particular Police Officer from the Northumbria Police force.

“MENTAL HEALTH COMES IN EPISODES” “MINE FEELS LONGER THAN A MOVIE!”

S

So, I’ve talked a few times now (here and here) about the news I got that the person who abused me now has a higher role in his job, but unlike most things I’ve blogged about, I still haven’t seemed to have worked through it. I’m having the same view on it as I did with the actual abuse; I could talk about it until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t make it go away. It won’t make it un-happen! So, I’m left with ‘well how do I cope with it?’

Through my mental health recovery, I’ve gotten used to moving through things by talking or writing about it and using my Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills effortlessly. So effortless that I’ve not had to make a conscious decision to use them or a choice as to which I do use. They’re just there!

Understandably, this new thing has really thrown me off balance, because all of the healthy coping strategies are no longer so easy to come by. And I guess that’s why I sort of fell apart on Saturday (02.03.2019). I self-harmed and called the Crisis Team. They were brilliant, but then they said they’d have to send an ambulance I ran away, and they called the Police.

BEEN IN EMERGENCY CARE DURING A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS? NORTHUMBRIA HEALTHCARE NHS FOUNDATION TRUST WANT YOUR FEEDBACK!! | AD

I’m honoured to have been asked to tell you all about this fantastic opportunity (which I have been a part of):

“IF YOU CHOOSE TO KILL YOURSELF AFTER THE TREATMENT THAT’S UP TO YOU” | LEARNING FROM MY RECENT MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

TW: discussion of suicide

On Saturday I woke with a start. It was sudden. And just as suddenly, I knew something wasn’t quite right in my head. Ever since it came about, I’ve struggled to explain it to people… which is really challenging to me because – as some have said – I’m quite an articulate person so being at a loss for words is particularly difficult.

After taking an overdose I finally made an attempt to explain things to the Doctor in A&E the following day (Sunday) and completely botched it up! It felt like I was flailing around the dictionary and decided on the world ‘alien.’ I knew before I said it that it wasn’t the right word and I knew how it sounded… you know, I go on about mental health stigma and not being ashamed to talk about anything  but the first thing that came to mind when I heard myself use this word was that I sounded ‘crazy.’

THREE REASONS THAT MAKE ME REGRET SELF-HARMING

In my relapse these past few months, there’s been a lot of self-harm – whether that be through cutting or overdosing – and after my most recent overdose I came to the realization that I often regret self-harming but I rarely regret not doing it. If that makes sense.

My self-harm almost always comes as a result of the voices I hear telling me to do it but occasionally it’s from memories and thoughts about the trauma I went through when I was younger. If I manage to use my DBT skills, call the Crisis Team, or take Diazepam (and it work) then I never wake up the next day thinking ‘God I wish I’d cut last night!’ Admittedly, though, if I wake up the next day and the voices and memories are still there then I often think ‘let’s just do it!’

But then I do – I cut, or I take an overdose and I go through all of the consequences that brings and there are sometimes when those consequences seem worse than if I’d just tolerated the voices a little longer or called the Crisis Team one more time.

My hope is that this post will inspire others to come up with their own list of things that make them regret self-harming to help motivate them to stay safe and to use their own coping skills more.

WHY I DON'T TAKE MY OWN ADVICE

“If there was someone else in this position, what would you say to them?”

This is something I’ve been asked so often by all manner of different professionals (mainly the Police though) in my recent mental health relapse. And so, this has been my motivation in writing this blog post.

Because usually my answer would be “I’d advise them to contact the Crisis Team” or “I’d tell them it’s important to take your medication unless otherwise instructed by a Doctor” and even “I’d say that they should co-operate with staff.”

And yet, in all the situations where this advice has been relevant; I have done the exact opposite. I’ve been reluctant to call the Crisis Team. I’ve stopped my medication without medical approval. And I’ve been uncooperative with staff.

“SO THERE WAS THIS ONE DOCTOR...” | MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA IN A&E

This post may come as a shock to some of you because - for some reason - I decided against talking about my most recent overdose. I haven’t even wanted to talk about it with close friends, family or the Doctors and Nurses. I’m not fully sure why I made this decision but I think a big part of it came from me wanting to just block it out and, mostly, pretend it hadn’t happened.

MY RECENT MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS, RESPONSIBILITY & FEELING HOPELESS

I haven’t spoken publicly about this yet, but on Monday I went into a mental health crisis.

It started, believe it or not, with a tummy pain!

I was in my sitting room when the pain came about, and, in agony, I collapsed. Onto the coffee table. My shoulder and arm instantly hurt and with the beginning of the bruising, I made my way to the local Urgent Care Center. I could feel my head getting fuller and fuller… it wasn’t so much the voices at first. It was more thoughts and feelings. As though my thoughts were too long and too detailed to fit inside my little head, and my feelings were too intense and too huge to fit into my little body. And I think that all of this just crowded me and the, all to familiar, feelings of being over-powered and completely overwhelmed led to the voices.

FROM CUTS TO CARLISLE | HOW I CHANGED MY MENTAL HEALTH AROUND IN A WEEK

*Note: This post contains talk of self-harm*

Last Friday (15^th June) I had a complete mental health crisis in the form of two dissociative episodes within hours of one another.

One minute I was at home watching Netflix and the next thing I knew I was staring at a huge cut in the palm of my hand, blood dripping from it and covering the floor; which was littered in pieces of a broken cup. I still can’t for certain that I smashed the cup on purpose and cut myself but since I’ve done that in the past it seems like the logical explanation(!) I think that the only thing stopping me from accepting that as the case is the fear that comes with it. If I’m capable of completely switching off from the world and self-harming without knowing it, then what the hell else am I capable of doing?!

STRUGGLING IN RECOVERY IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF | MY THOUGHTS ON MY RECENT SECTIONING

So I’ve talked recently about my mental health deterioration.

It kind of started on March 19^th with an overdose (that I’ve talked about here) and ever since I’ve been under the care of the Crisis Team.

From early April I started to feel much better and began having less thoughts to overdose, with the voices quietening down and the visual hallucinations lessening. I decided that it’d be positive, and rewarding to complete my planned work for Cygnet Healthcare at their National Service User Awards 2018 (#NSUA2018 on Twitter) and made the decision to travel to Coventry for the event on April 11^th.

I still wouldn’t say that was a mistake. That I got sectioned being there… it could’ve happened anywhere. At any time. If anything; I think it was probably overdue!

It’s difficult to fully talk about the situation that led to me being in A&E from the Awards, but it was basically due to a health reason and because of the result of that, my mental health deteriorated once more.

"THAT'D JUST BE MADNESS" | MY THOUGHTS ON MY RECENT OVERDOSE

On the Monday morning I had an appointment regarding my benefits and after arriving there early, I decided it was a sign to overdose. Finally.

It’d been a thought for quite a while now and I’d tried to use all of the coping skills in my arsenal to manage the urges; even using self-harm (http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2018/03/lets-be-honest-about-self-harm-my.html) to try and abate the voices’ (http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2018/03/how-it-feels-to-hear-voices.html) commands to overdose!

In my assessment the Doctor asked me when my last overdose had been; “well… right now” was my reply. She ended up calling an Ambulance and as much as I didn’t want to go to Hospital, I finally agreed because, to be honest, I didn’t want to put that drama on the Doctor. The voices were still loud, and I knew that I needed to take a larger overdose before they would quieten down, but my promise to get help once I was finished (the overdose) and they were quiet, wouldn’t stop their insisting that I go to Hospital and see an A&E Doctor.

HOW IT FEELS TO HEAR VOICES

‘A common form of auditory hallucination involves hearing one or more talking voices. This may be associated with psychotic disorders, and holds special significance in diagnosing these conditions.^[2] However, individuals without any psychiatric disease whatsoever may hear voices.’

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditory_hallucination

Recently I’ve been struggling so much with my mental health and a huge reason for that has been that my auditory and visual hallucinations have come back.

I feel as though I’ve been battling the visual hallucinations for a while now… I think it started last year in around May or June because I can remember finally telling someone (my Mum) about them whilst holding the Rabbit I ended up buying (Pixie!)

But the auditory hallucinations seemed to suddenly come back, and with vengeance… It was like they were angry for being gotten rid of for so long. As though they’d still always been there but I’d been ignoring them. It’s like when you fall out with someone and stop speaking to them then you finally confront them… They’d be a bit riled; to say the least! Having been gone for so long, the voices had some pent-up energy and… volume, that they needed to get out of their system.