I'm so pleased to bring this post to you all by Emma Greaves-Mousa who struggled after being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I also have this diagnosis but have been a lot more shy than Emma to share my story around it so i take my hat off to Emma for being so brave, open, and honest around this.
Also, if you want to know more about Emma's journey, check out her blog: https://adayinthehappylife.wordpress.com/
The
day I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovaries) was the day myself and my
husband were seeing a fertility doctor. We were checking that all was well as
we wanted to try for a baby. I laid on the bed in the clinic while the doctor
scanned my ovaries and womb. I have never had an ultrasound scan before so
really didn’t know what he was looking for, or what he found.
11 years prior to
this, I sat in a doctor’s office age 17, describing a very irregular menstrual
cycle. I was a ‘late developer’ with my period arriving age 17, years after
most of my classmates. Finally, when it did arrive, it wasn’t clockwork like
I’d been told during sex education lessons. What the hell was going on? The
doctor prescribed me Microgynon 30. Walking out of the clinic I felt elated! Finally,
something that will help with my irregular cycles, and also ensure that I don’t
fall pregnant, how is this not a win win situation?! There was no conversation
about what could have been causing an irregular cycle. There was no
conversation about the weight that I had gained as my period arrived. There was
no conversation about PCOS.
So, if you follow
my Twitter you’ll have seen why
this topic is so relevant in my life right now. So here’s why validation has
had as great an impact on my mental and physical health as painkillers have(!)…
Back in late 2006, after the abuse began, I started having
crippling tummy pains and was constantly being rushed to hospital for pain
relief and tests but only on two occasions did they find something – cysts on
my ovaries. I ended up having surgery one time to drain one of the cysts but for
all of the times I was taken to hospital and they found nothing, I worried that
soon the Doctors and Nurses would grow sick of me and that there could be one
time when something was seriously wrong and they wouldn’t believe me. But the
pain felt as real and as genuine as the keyboard feels while I type this.
Since my mental health has been completely stable after my medication
increase earlier this year, I’ve noticed that I’m more in-tune with my body and
physical health. I’ve occasionally had tummy pains still, but they’ve always found
something; and I’ve actually been diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovaries. So, when I
slipped on the ice on November 30th (this year), I thought straight away
that my wrist was broken but when I was sitting in the Minor Injuries waiting
room, I was so scared that my X Ray would come back normal that I worried what
it would mean to be told that nothing was wrong and be left doubting myself and
my instincts again. But instead, the Nurse came along and said that it was ‘no
wonder’ I was in so much pain because I had a Buckle Break right the way
through the Radius in my wrist. I remember thinking ‘and if the X-Ray had come
back ok then my pain would have been disingenuous?!’ But I guess that’s why
validation is so essential; because otherwise, there’s the danger that you feel
as though no one believes you – that they think you’re lying.
These last two weeks have been so
chaotic that I’m completely lost as to what has happened when because I’ve
self-harmed so many times but on each of my hospitalizations (I think I’m on
about four now) something has happened to inspire this post.
On one of my hospital stays
everything had been going well – I was telling staff when I was struggling, co-operating
with the treatment for the overdose I’d taken, and keeping myself safe whilst I
was in the Hospital. Then a Nurse – who I’ve met and had a similar dealing with
before – made a comment about me ‘wasting a bed’ because she said that it was
my own fault I was there. This comment – her words and attitude – saw me
refusing the final blood tests and discharging myself. On my way out, I considered
not telling the Sister and Doctor what she had said because I was a bit ashamed
to admit that I’d let her comment get to me and a part of me always thinks ‘if
you’re going to be open and honest about your mental health then you have to
expect at least one response like that.’ Of course, it shouldn’t be that way;
but the reality of mental health is that there are still people who hold that
stigma and prejudice against those who are battling against it. I think that
there’ll have to be a time when we recognize that no matter how many people - and
how many followers they have – join the fight, we most likely can’t change the
world.
In
my relapse these past few months, there’s been a lot of self-harm – whether
that be through cutting or overdosing – and after my most recent overdose I
came to the realization that I often regret self-harming but I rarely regret
not doing it. If that makes sense.
My
self-harm almost always comes as a result of the voices I hear telling me to do
it but occasionally it’s from memories and thoughts about the trauma I went
through when I was younger. If I manage to use my DBT skills, call the Crisis
Team, or take Diazepam (and it work) then I never wake up the next day thinking
‘God I wish I’d cut last night!’ Admittedly, though, if I wake up the next day
and the voices and memories are still there then I often think ‘let’s just do
it!’
But
then I do – I cut, or I take an overdose and I go through all of the
consequences that brings and there are sometimes when those consequences seem
worse than if I’d just tolerated the voices a little longer or called the Crisis
Team one more time.
My
hope is that this post will inspire others to come up with their own list of
things that make them regret self-harming to help motivate them to stay safe
and to use their own coping skills more.
This post may come as a shock to some of you because - for some reason - I decided against talking about my most recent overdose. I haven’t even wanted to talk about it with close friends, family or the Doctors and Nurses. I’m not fully sure why I made this decision but I think a big part of it came from me wanting to just block it out and, mostly, pretend it hadn’t happened.
In
my assessment the Doctor asked me when my last overdose had been; “well… right
now” was my reply. She ended up calling an Ambulance and as much as I didn’t
want to go to Hospital, I finally agreed because, to be honest, I didn’t want
to put that drama on the Doctor. The voices were still loud, and I knew that I
needed to take a larger overdose before they would quieten down, but my promise
to get help once I was finished (the overdose) and they were quiet, wouldn’t
stop their insisting that I go to Hospital and see an A&E Doctor.
I recently started re-watching Greys Anatomy with Ronnie (who has never seen it before) and it inspired me to write this post! If you haven't seen Greys Anatomy you can still read the post but I recommend you buy the DVDs!! Hopefully one day soon it'll be on Netflix!
“Knowing is better than
wondering. Waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even
the worst, beats the hell out of never trying.”
-Meredith Grey
People
talk about attempting suicide – or self-harming – as ‘the easy way.’ And
‘giving in.’ When instead, it takes everything you have to fight the human
instinct to survive. We are not built to hurt ourselves, we’re built to fight.
Or flight. Not to ‘give in.’ Personally though, I think it takes a hell of a
lot more work to come back from that brink. To wake up and try.
I’ve
been meaning to write this post for quite a while now – well, since I first
injured my shoulder which was September or October 2017! But I knew that
writing it, thinking about what I need to write, could upset me so I knew I
either needed to be sleepy and able to write this and go straight to sleep to
avoid the aftermath, or needed to be really happy so that it might not even
make a dent in my mood. Turns out, tonight, I’ve got the best of both worlds…
I
think I wrote about the event that I dislocated it at actually… It was with my
community support providers; Richmond Fellowship and by some strange reason, I
was co-chairing their entire event!
A
few months before that, in the June, I broke my collarbone whilst play fighting
with a family member and didn’t realise that this meant my shoulder was still
quite fragile. I don’t think I even turned that much when I heard a ‘pop!’ and
felt my eyes tear up as I quickly excused myself from the event and ran to the
toilets – the pain was so incredible that I actually felt sick with it.
“If
you actually wanted to commit suicide you’d go into the woods in the middle of
the night and get it over with quickly and quietly”
This was said to me by a police officer. She was taking me from
where I’d been found – after being reported missing, on the beach to A&E
after I admitted that I’d taken an overdose. To say something like that to a
person in a mental health crisis is so dangerous. In that moment, when she said
it to me; I just thought ‘thanks for the tip. I’ll do that next time.’
I knew that
the second part of Lines From An
Unfinished Love Song would be difficult and perhaps upsetting to read. It
wasn’t just seeing that the second part of the book was named ‘Grief, Depression & PTSD;’ but also
that the first part finished with such a heart-wrenching moment in which Gail
(Curry; the author) lost her wife: Lena.
This feeling
only worsened when I read the first poem; ‘Lost’ and identified 100% with
Gail’s words.
‘A day seems longer than a day
When the only voice that’s heard comes from inside me.’
I've chosen to write about today as there is a lot going on in my day I am currently an inpatient in an acute psychiatric ward and have meetings today with various professionals to decide next steps with my care.
Good morning!
What time did you wake up? '
6:30am
Why did you wake up at that time?
The staff on my arms length observations made too much noise when they were switching staff.
Did you have a dream? '
No a nightmare
Do you think today will be 'good' or 'bad' day? (use your own definition of these words to answer the question)
I'm not sure I think it will hopefully be overall good but will have bad well very stressful parts to the day as I have been having a lot of difficulties with my mental health.
What are the first three things you do after waking up?
I never thought I'd say that I was excited for a conference-style event... But the New Approaches conference was being held in the same venue as a previous one, and it meant that I was staying in the same hotel; and I found all of that quite comforting. I was also looking forward to some of the talks after receiving the agenda; and the thought of meeting new people is always exciting!
Below are all of the links you'll need to keep up to date with this event
The Hashtag (thought of by myself!)
#EnhancingPartnershipsExp16
type this hashtag into the search bar on Twitter and you can follow all of the tweets about the event!
I'm NOT Disordered links:
Twitter: follow @aimes_wilson to see everything I tweet at the event, including quotes and mini vlogs that you won't see anywhere else!
Instagram: aimes_wilson for edited video clips and photos
YouTube: subscribe to the channel - there's already a vlog from filming yesterday so you can check that out now! And then stay tuned for any longer interviews and chats, plus a vlog of the entire day which will go live tonight!
And obviously keep an eye out on here for a (possible) post during the lunch and refreshment breaks, as well as the final post of the event .
Cygnet links:
Twitter: follow @cygnethealth and @CygnetNurses to keep up with their official thoughts, photos, views etc
And keep an eye on cygnethealth.co.uk for any round-ups from the IT folk and also, my guest blog piece!
Attenders and Speakers (this list will be updated throughout the day):
Below are just a few of the Twitter links for some of the speakers and those attending the event; follow them for more info on them or questions specifically towards them regarding what you've heard and/or what you've seen they have discussed via Twitter.
[Note: The programme for this event will be published in the next post]
The Positives & Negatives from my time at Cygnet
If you're new around here (hi!) or just don't know how Cygnet came to be in my life, then you can read all about it here: http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/pre-event-promo-enhancing-patient.html
I'm often asked for my thoughts on Cygnet in conversations about my recovery or just my mental health journey in general. Some people will simply ask whether I liked it or not, whilst others will ask what they (Cygnet) had done to make me better. I used to struggle a lot with these questions because, like many mental health services) there were failings and I do have a lot of bad memories from being an inpatient there but I was hesitant to talk about these. I felt as though I should sing their praises because obviously, they'd played a massive part in my mental health recovery, and I didn't want to seem ungrateful. However, from the outset of I'm NOT Disordered I've always said that it would be a fair account of inpatient life in that, I would rant when I felt let-down, and I'd praise the staff when they got it right!
These are, what I believe to be, the two key areas where positives and negatives affected my time in Cygnet the most:
[above: some of my leaving presents from the girls and staff]
The People
- Living with around 15 other girls who had Borderline Personality Disorder meant that there was often rows, drama, and sometimes, even physical fights. With a big part of BPD being unstable moods and relationships, and uncontrollable anger; this should come as no surprise. Some people were on completely different stages in recovery and so, those on the verge of being discharged would have less empathy, understanding, and tolerance to those who were newly admitted and at their most unwell. One of the three main causes for arguments would be if someone disagreed with the way they'd seen another respond to staff, e.g. if they felt a member of staff was trying to be helpful but a person was being rude and ungrateful. This would also depend upon the member of staff involved, with everyone having their favourites. The second cause would be if someone self-harmed and it impacted on others e.g. once someone returned from Home Leave and cut themselves very badly, telling others that they'd used a knife they had brought in from home; when it became apparent that the person had passed the knife on to another girl nobody would admit who now had it, so everyone's bedrooms were searched. And the third main cause for an argument would be if it was felt that another's behaviour had upset or 'triggered' others, e.g. when a girl needed to be tube-fed, some felt that it reminded them of their own eating disorder battles and now had to battle resisting the urge to fall back into that routine.
+ I met some incredible people! My Named Nurse, Dr A and Chelsea to name but a few. I loved that the staff didn't hold grudges like those I'd previously experienced; if you'd had an 'incident' with them one day, they would treat you no differently come their next shift. With Bowling ward being long-term; on the day I was discharged there was still girls there who'd been there on my admission day! And so, it would've been hard not to make friends. I can still remember all of their names and I still think about them; wondering where they are now, if things have gotten better, if they're still on their medication or self-harming the way they did on the Ward. I also still think about Dr A and keep in touch with my Named Nurse who became a second Mother to me and even travelled up to Newcastle to attend my 100k party!
The Place
- A huge difficulty in being on the ward was the changes. It is widely known that those with BPD don't cope well with change; especially if they experience one of the symptoms of BPD: abandonment issues. Once, a girl made the comment that she used to work at Tesco but that this Hospital had a higher turnover in staff. One of the two biggest negative affects this had, was that with every new senior member of staff, came a new set of ward rules. Bowling ward had a number of different Ward Managers during the time I was a patient there, and they would often attend a Morning Meeting (having never met anyone) and announce all of their changes to the rules, and be met with a lot of anger and most often; "you've been here five minutes!" Over time, a rule change might become massively beneficial and make the ward a better place, and then a new Manager would come, spend a day in their office, and then tell those who were there 24/7 what needed changing.
+ Although hard at first, the structure became very beneficial. It would prevent me from lying in bed all day, feeling miserable, and planning new ways to self-harm or escape. It also helped to make me feel good about myself when I felt I'd been productive. A huge influence on my behaviours was that they now had consequences. In the community, of course there was consequences to self-harm - dressings, A&E, needles, stitches, treatment... But gradually, they no longer affected me enough to make me change and stop those behaviours. And of course, being over 18, no one could stop me from doing so. However, being sectioned under the Mental Health Act and needing permission to put one foot outside the main doors, provided me with enough motivation to try harder to resist the thoughts of self-harm. Even sleeping through the groups on your timetable meant consequences too; such as refusing said leave!
Coming up next on I'm NOT Disordered; I'll be posting all of the links you need to keep up to date with the event...
Claire Andre: ACC Farrell speaking today about the importance of partnerships and #mentalhealth #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: "We need to ensure we deliver care in a timely way." Northumbria Police ACC Jo Farrell #MultiAgencyNE #mentalhealth Michael Brown OBE:
"There is still some debate nationally about what the rold of the
police should be." - ACC Jo Farrell, Northumbria Police, #MultiAgencyNE Michael Brown OBE:
Only two people were taken in to police custody under s136 in
Northumbria Police, only because each of them were very violent"
#MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: "No one under the age of 18 taken into Northumbria Police custody under s136 over 2015/16" - ACC Jo Farrell #MultiAgencyNE Northumbria Police:
ACC Farrell: "This #MultiAgencyNE is an opportunity to illustrate
fantastic partnership work and network with people to share best
practice"
Claire Andre: NTW NHS' John Lawlor is now speaking about the fantastic staff in the trust & partnerships. #MultiAgencyNE Michael
Brown OBE: Now hearing from John Lawlor at #MultiAgencyNE - their s136
suite "has cobwebs on it because it's rarely used." N'land, T&W NHS: Chief exec John Lawlor - very proud of work done in street triage to get people the right support #MultiAgencyNE Old Bill (Scott):
Hearing from John Lawlor at #MultiAgencyNE about "disparity of esteem"
in #MentalHealth. Refreshingly honest account of health provision Michael Brown OBE:
Good points, well made by John Lawlor about the ongoing 'disparity of
esteem' in mental health funding and provision. #MultiAgencyNE
Overview and Forward Look of Multi-agency Working and Collaboration Jim Symington, Symington-Tinto Health and Social Care Consultancy
Claire Andre: Jim Symington is talking about the Crisis Care Concordat national overview and picture so far... #MultiAgencyNE Michael Brown OBE: Jim Symington is a consultant who has been key in the Crisis Care Concordat nationally. Now speaking at #MultiAgencyNE Michael Brown OBE:
Jim Symington pointing out the Policing and Crime Bill is being
discussed in the House of Lords today and is nearly law. #MultiAgencyNE Michael Brown OBE:
Hearing the use of police cells for s136 MHA is massively down - no
mention that use of s136 itself is massively up, though! #MultiAgencyNE Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage:
Needs based services. "The needs of Newcastle are not the same as the
needs for Lambeth or Devon" - Jim Symington #MultiAgencyNE Old Bill (Scott):
Jim Symington discussing what needs to be done in #mentalhealth crisis
prevention/care. Resources don't meet aspirations though #MultiAgencyNE
Multi-agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH) - A joint approach for Safeguarding Adults Detective Chief Inspector Deborah Alderson, Safeguarding Department, Northumbria Police and Julie Critchon, Business Manager, MASH, Gateshead Council
Claire Andre: We are hearing about #MASH and the work happening with Northumbria Police safeguarding team #MultiAgencyNE
Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson talking about Multi-Agency Safety Hubs and the success we've had with them in Gateshead #MultiAgencyNE Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson: "MASH focuses on serial victims of domestic abuse - working with partner agencies to safeguard those affected." #MultiAgencyNE Old Bill (Scott): Good to hear that response's geared towards individual need, not just risk. Very victim focused #MultiAgencyNE Claire Andre: Some scary stats about #DomesticViolence in the #NorthEast area. Highest in Ncle than any other area #MultiAgencyNE Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson: "27% of all perpetrators of domestic violence had previous experience of mental health issues" Claire Andre: Interesting factors in the perprator of #DomesticViolence #MultiAgencyNE Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: "27% of Domestic abuse perpetrators have mental health issues..." - DCI Deborah Alderson. That's quite a provoking statistic. #MultiAgencyNE Northumbria Police: DCI Alderson: "mental health issues are the biggest pre-cursor to domestic abuse - ahead of physical health and finances"#MultiAgencyNE Michelle Trainer NHS: Very interesting presentation for using a MASH to support victims of DV. Wide range of services collocated, great stuff #MultiAgencyNE Old Bill (Scott): Most common vulnerabilities are substance misuse, domestic abuse and #mentalhealth - and too often, all three #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: A message to the delegates of #MultiAgencyNE from MP Sarah Newton, Safeguarding Minister, on the work in the #NorthEast Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: Hearing about lots of essential work in #mentalhealth across the UK. MP Sarah Newton let's keep the momentum up! #MultiAgencyNE
Refreshment Break
Esther Beadle: So #MultiAgencyNE is trending! NTW NHS and Northumbria Police working together to improve #mentalhealth services David O'Brien: what a great start to the day...
Police Negotiators Role in Crisis and Partnership Working Detective Inspector Graeme Rowlings, Northumbria Police
Claire Andre: The fabulous D/Insp G Rowlings talking about role of #Police Negotiators. #MultiAgencyNE Devon and Cornwall Police Street Triage: DI Grahame Rowlings talking about Police Negotiators. Just brilliant. Nope. It's not witchcraft! #MultiAgencyNE Claire Andre: What a very funny man D/Insp Rowlings is... Getting the serious message across in a humorous way #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Fascinating, funny and poignant stuff from Insp Graeme Rowlings on police negotiation. #MultiAgencyNE David O'Brien: Inspiring talk about the role of police negotiators in mental health crisis #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Active listening from negotiator means person begins to sort-of-like them, better chance of a good outcome. Listening is key.` #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Information Sharing Protocol means #NHS can give police good guidance about the best way to help someone. And vice versa. #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: #Respond multiagency simulation training the official launch Dr Tacchi & Mark Tunney #MultiAgencyNE Michael Brown OBE: Hearing from Dr Tacchi about 'RESPOND' simulation training for s136 of the Mental Health Act #MultiAgencyNE Terry Nelson: The amazing Dr Tacchi, Mark Tunney talking about service user involvement in #MultiAgencyNE Claire Andre: Dr Tacchi talking about why Respond simulation training is different to others... We did it together from the beginning #MultiAgencyNE Claire Andre: Respond was also Terry Nelson's acting debut - Oscar winning performances! #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: N'Land, T&W NHS's Dr Tacchi on #RESPOND training - getting everyone in "someone else's shoes" #MultiAgencyNE Old Bill (Scott): Great immersive training on #mentalhealth & #police work! Involving experts by experience vital #MultiAgencyNE Claire Andre: Hearing how the use of real people in simulation & not actors is important. They know what it's like! #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Next up, expert by experience Mark Tunney on #RESPOND training #MultiAgencyNE Claire Andre: Fabulous hearing how Mark Tunney found it useful to know the professionals perspectives. #Respond #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Mark: "One of the biggest things about our involvement is equality for service users, experts by experience, in the process." #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Mark: "Having one guy involved there, he had been on top of a bridge. He knew the emotions and the fear..." #MultiAgencyNE Old Bill (Scott): Involving experts by experience aids compassion & understanding of individual need/feelings - not just the risks #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Mark: "We found often people got caught up on doing their job the best they could, and forgot about the person & how they feel." #MultiAgencyNE Esther Beadle: Fantastic speech from Mark Tunney on the importance of having experts by experience. Bang on #MultiAgencyNE Terry Nelson: Can't believe how empowering it feels to be a service user with a voice. Claire Andre and Dr Tacchi #MultiAgencyNE thanks #wedorecover
Terry Nelson: Thanks to Mark Tunney for your faith, support and guidance. Most importantly the trust you show in me. #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: Hearing from Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner about the importance of #MentalHealth & #Partnerships. #MultiAgencyNE Michael Brown OBE: Now hearing from Vera Baird - the Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner is addressing #MultiAgencyNE and highlighting Street Triage. Esther Beadle: Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner praises NTW NHS on its recent #outstanding rating - one of the first #MH trust to achieve that. #MultiAgencyNE Northumbria Police: Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner praises triage for keeping mental health sufferers out of custody. Said it's also reduced demand on officers #MultiAgencyNE Claire Andre: Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner talking about the importance of #InfoSharing need to know & legal basis but helps service users get care needed #MultiAgencyNE Northumbria Police: Lastly from Northumbria Police and Crime Commissioner: "Well done to you all and thank you for coming. Let's all work together to share best practice" #MultiAgencyNE
Claire Andre: We're coming up to the morning Q&A from the speakers... I'm sure we'll have lots of questions. #MultiAgencyNE
Yes, you read right.
This is a tricky post for me to write because for a while now I haven't wanted to, or felt ready to, publicize this.
I'd gone for the MRI scan when I began experiencing regular, bad headaches, a tingling feeling in the tip of my nose and across my right cheek, and flashes of white light out of the corner of my eye. When I saw the Neurosurgeon, he showed me the scan of my brain on his computer... I thought it'd be interesting but it actually terrified me a little bit to see all of these things on my brain!
Since then, I've developed a few more symptoms: joint pain- very bad joint pain and a shake/twitch/spasm thing in my right leg. I saw my GP today because the Pharmacist called me on Tuesday about my pain medication and it was decided that I needed to be on something a lot stronger and to take it more on a regular basis than a PRN one (when required). I've also been referred to Physio for exercises and a walking aid and when I developed the joint pain (a couple of weeks ago) I was referred back to the Neurosurgeon for another MRI to check if the type of MS is changing, and so when I told the one today about my leg twitches he said he was going to chase that up.
I got quite upset after the GP appointment at the fact I needed such strong painkillers and might end up with a walking stick but I'm trying to look at it with the mindset that the pain will be better (hopefully gone!) and I'll feel more mobile.
So, this is it.
I also just want to say that Bloggers and YouTubers constantly say that their followers think they know everything about your life but really, they see what you choose to show them. And so, bear in mind that I'm NOT Disordered is similar. I'm always honest with you guys, but I don't blog about everything that's going on in my life. I guess this is just further evidence not to judge a book by its cover, because a lot of people see a person behave or act in a particular way and make assumptions of these people. When really, they have no idea as to what is actually going on.
If you are to take anything from this then please let it be that and so, if you want to show your support, don't message me; share this post so that it reaches the most people possible.
If you'd like any more information about MS then please visit: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Multiple-sclerosis/Pages/Symptoms.aspx
1. When you're in recovery from mental illness, your opinion of the Act is likely to completely change. I think it's understandable that you resent the Act when the majority of your experience with it is likely to involve you being taken to a psychiatric hospital against your will. But I promise that once you're in recovery you'll look back on those experiences and feel grateful that the professionals stopped you from hurting yourself or becoming more unwell. For them to go to such lengths to protect you and keep you safe illustrates that they have some sort of belief in you. They believe you have the potential to get better.
2. Just because you're being taken to hospital against your will, does not mean that you have no rights. You're still a person and although you'll often experience the feeling of being completely different to others when you're sectioned, you have basic rights. And you shouldn't feel intimidated to utilise them. When you're first sectioned, you should be given an information leaflet detailing these rights.
3. Most often, you will firstly be detained under section 2 of the Act. The aim of this section is for assessment, which means your admission will involve establishing a diagnosis and deciding on any treatment that may be beneficial to your mental health. You can be detained under this section for up to 28 days; you can be discharged before this and the section can not be renewed. This means that at the end of the 28 days, you could either be discharged, remain in hospital voluntarily, or be put under section 3 of the Act.
4. Section 3 of the Mental Health Act 1983 is aimed to detain you to undergo treatment. This may mean that you're already known to services and have a diagnosis, or that it is thought that you need to remain in hospital once a section 2 has expired. Treatment will usually be deemed necessary for you health, safety and the safety of others. This section enables for you to be held in hospital for up to 6 months before it must be renewed.
5. The section that is more unknown, is section 5 which is shorter term at only 72 hours before you must be decided whether you should be placed under another section or discharged. Unlike the previous two sections, you do not need to undergo an assessment from particular professionals to be discharged. This section was used for me if I was in A&E and required medical treatment but tried to leave. It enables staff to detain you. Sub-section 5(2) is a doctor's holding power which requires only one doctors support. A 5(4) is a nurses holding power.
6. It might seem that if you experience these sections, or even just an assessment under the Mental Health Act 1983, you feel clued up on the various procedures. This might mean, as it did for me, that you feel confident that you know what to say and what not to say to avoid being sectioned. That you're almost invincible. You aren't. And feeling like this can worsen the affect that being sectioned has on you. At one point, I became very cocky that I knew the system and knew that I could say or do things that professionals could do nothing about. I was wrong. And I learnt that the hard way.
7. The Police also have the power to detain somebody under section 136. There's a lot of mixed views on this section; with some believing that this power should not exist as the police have such little training in mental health and so, it is questioned as to whether they can truly judge that a person requires to be assessed and possibly admitted to hospital. This is a valid point. Often police may detain someone for the assessor so to then decide the person can go home. It's frustrating for the police to have used their time and services to stay with the person and then feel that it was pointless. It is fact however, that police are usually the service most contacted if a person is thought to be mentally poorly in a public place.
8. Being assessed under the Act has the potential to be an upsetting experience as the assessment to decide if someone should be sectioned (usually done by two Psychiatrists and a specialist Social Worker), often involves difficult questions. They may ask what has brought you to service's attention, why it happened, ask personal questions that you aren't comfortable discussing or force you to acknowledge and recognise the thoughts and emotions that you'd rather not accept or admit to feeling.
9. If it is decided that you should be admitted to hospital, this could still mean that you are told that may be admitted voluntarily, and if you refuse you will be sectioned. Many inpatients joke that this in its self is another kind of sectioning and even, blackmail. Being sectioned can result in you feeling angry, upset, scared... It's important that you realise that all of these emotions, and many more, are perfectly normal. I'd advise that you try your best to voice these feelings to professionals so they can support you and often reassure you.
10. There are so many online resources available that can be relevant for both service users and those who support that person or perhaps for those who'd just like to learn more. If someone you know, love or care about is sectioned then this information can help you in supporting that person. If you google 'Mental Health Act 1983' you'll find many results. I'd recommend http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/mental-health-act-1983/mental-health-act-faqs/
This title will no doubt cause a knee-jerk response of 'no!' And possibly a few 'how could she even ask?!' But stay with me guys...
When I first got poorly (mentally), everyone was concerned. The first two times I overdosed, I was sectioned. The second, in a dramatic fashion that involved six police, leg restraints and sedation. People were worried. Scared. They cared.
I couldn't pin point exactly when that stopped happening, but I'd guess that it was probably around the tenth or fifteenth overdose (my notes show I've taken over 70 since 2009). After ruling out psychosis, inpatient mental health cared less. After causing scene after scene in A&E, hospital staff cared less. After going AWOL every chance I got, police cared less. I understood. I wasn't a nice person during those years. I didn't understand what was happening to me so, because I couldn't explain why I'd do the things I'd do, I allowed professionals to assume. And the majority of assumptions were that I did what I did for attention. But looking back, yes. Yes, I wanted attention. I wanted people to pay attention to my hurt and my anger and realise it wasn't aimed at them. I wanted someone - anyone, to pay attention to what had happened to me. But my feelings around my trauma: that I was to blame, was intensified by the new attitude of professionals. I felt that I deserved to be treat that way and to punish myself, I hurt myself. It was a hellish cycle. I can't help but wonder whether if staff had continued to treat me with the same original care and attitude, if the self-harm would have continued for so long and escalated to the point it did...
The reason this is on my mind?
Back in September, my psychosis escalated and I took an overdose. A senior Consultant in A&E became involved when I was struggling to accept help. He was abrupt and cold and although it put me on edge, I understood it was probably his demeanour and had nothing to do with his attitude towards mental health or what I'd done. When the little smart arse remarks began, I started to doubt myself. When it got to the point that I found myself wanting to be out of the hospital in order to be away from him, I knew he'd made things worse. And after restraining me so hard that he left fingerprint bruises and then slapping a Doctor on the back for 'filling my head with lies' I really... Lost my shit! In restraint, I was close to kicking out. When he tried to enter my room, after, I kept the door shut. I then requested that he not return to my room. And when he ignored my request, I confronted him about his attitude, comments and hitting the other doctor and was surprised that he admitted to everything. In front of a healthcare assistant. I cried because I felt that the feelings of uncontrollable aggression and anger were part of the Old Aimee. I'd always told myself that even if I was still self-harming, at least I wasn't treating professionals the way I used to. I was sad to feel that this one Doctor had set me back.
If I'd had the Consultant who took over in the morning that entire time, I'm sure that things would've gone differently.
And this, is my point; if professionals treat you so badly when all you need is their help and support then how could this possibly aid recovery? For me, each incident with staff was just added to my collection of bad memories that rapidly grew after each hospitalisation.
It's no secret that mental health service users have sometimes been known to self harm or succeed in suicide because of the way they have been treat by professionals. So how can you be sure that admitting someone to hospital or having police involvement will not worsen the persons mental health?
Hitting a landmark of 100,000 views, deserves some show of gratitude to all those who have helped me achieve it. And that, is what this post is. Family My Mum is forever the first person that I thank in anything in my life. It''s obvious to say that she's been there from the start but by that, I don't just mean sine I was born. I mean since I first overdosed. She was there when I started hearing voices and first wanted to die. She saved me from myself. She saved me from my abuser - stopped me being his victim and made me a survivor. She saved me from the unsupportive professionals who labelled me with all of the wrong labels. She fought for me when I, and the professionals had given up on me. She never gave up. She made me better. She made them make me better. And she supported I'm NOT Disordered. She is proud to tell people that she is the mother of a blogger. She believes in me and my blog. Thank you Mum.
My Aunt not only supports myself and my blog, but also my Mum and the entire family of Wilson's. She's strong. She holds us all up. She has the strength of a thousand men - as the saying goes. Her life with her paper husband and furry children (inside joke) makes me excited for my own future with a husband and children. She inspires me. And always shares my blog posts. Thank you Auntie Angi.
My Nana, may not be walking on this earth but she's definitely still here. She watches over her family because even a little matter like 'death' wouldn't stop her supporting us. And I know she's proud of me because I've seen how proud she was of me when I learnt to swim. And this is all a bit better than swimming. And knowing how she religiously bought her magazines every week means that featuring in one of her favourites is one of my proudest moments. And saddest. Because she's watching but she can't hug me. Rest in peace, Nana.
Friends Meeting Chelsea was the second best thing to come from being in a Hospital almost 200 miles from home (the first, was entering recovery!). We were matched well through the buddy programme but we weren't even friends from the outset. We were both awkward around emotions and it wasn't until I saw how fast she can run that we started talking! We had something in common. And across the two and half years we were together, we found that we had a lot more in common. It's strange though, we're the type of friends where, if you met us, you would wonder what we have in common. But it's the deeper part of us. The most meaningful parts. And that, people, makes us soul mates. Needless to say, Chelsea was the one running down the hospital corridor screaming that I'd gotten 100 views on my blog! She's the one who first edited my layout. She's the one who reacts in the same way as I do when opportunities come my way. See? Soul mate. Thank you Chelsea.
Holding Sophie's hair back when she was drunk was one of the best decisions of my life. If I hadn't then she wouldn't have been thankful and we wouldn't have become friends. And I'm glad we're friends. Sophie is the kind of friend who excuses herself from college, to take me for stitches. She's also the kind of friend who doesn't need to read my blog because I tell her in person. And the kind of person to be excited for my celebration of 100,000+ because it means a new dress! Thank you Sophie.
Finding Lauren at Sixth Form during the days when my auditory hallucinations first started was the greatest achievement of those days. She was there for me and when I was poorly, she knew the name of my diagnosis for the paramedics. She knew when I wanted to talk, and when I didn't. She was brave enough to admit which parts of things scared her and now she's even braver. Except when you mention needles going into your skin. That's when she cringes. And she knows these little things about me too. Thank you Lauren.
Before Ellie, I was shallow. She was the first publicly 'different' person to become my friend. She'd cringe at that. Ok, she was the first geek to be my friend. I loved her bravery at being different. She didn't conform. She didn't follow fashion trends. She didn't care what others thought of her. And I wanted all of those qualities. So we were friends. And now I've held both of her children when they were only a few months old, she and her babies are in my life for good. She's curious; she wants to know lots about my head so that she can support me. And I hope in turn, I can teach her children too. Thank you Ellie.
My oldest friend is Steph, who I've known since Middle School at the age of 9 or 10. She's someone who can talk a lot. But in the best way. She loves her friends. She cares for them and does all she can to support them. Like Ellie, she asks me questions to understand better. To help me more. As if it's possible to support or help me anymore than she already does. Steph reads my blog. Not a lot of my close friends actually do that. But I like that she does as it means she cares and has an interest. Thank you Steph.
Professionals The first professional to thank is my first proper CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse); Shirley. She watched over me for years. She understood my instinct to finish overdosing and allowed me to initiate my own help when I'd promised that I would. She got me into the long-term hospital after seeing that I had potential. She believed in me when no other professional thought I had a chance. Second, I'd like to thank one of the Doctors from the hospital; Andrada, who was the first professional in my life to have unlimited time for me. It was never too late for a chat; regardless of what time she was supposed to finish. If I needed her then she was there. She was the only professional to be told more details of my trauma than the Police. She encouraged me to talk and instilled the belief in me that talking, telling someone exactly what was done to me, would help me. And it did. But it wasn't just because of the fact I was talking, it was who I was talking to. And that, was an honour. I genuinely feel that although there are still secrets; for the most part, it's out of me. I'm mostly free. The third person to thank is my Out of Area Funder; Janice. She was the one person who actually did something when I said I was ready to leave hospital. When I expressed my passion at returning back to my home town. She saw that I was trying and that I wasn't being acknowledged for my progress and effort. And so, she was my greatest professional support in having me moved to a 'rehab' unit nearer home and finally, she helped me move my things to a home of my own. She named it my 'forever home'. And bought me a wrack of for my keys that read 'Aimee's House.' She took me to pick up Dolly. She may be out of my current team now but she'll always have a special place in my recovery. Fourth, I'd like to thank my current care team: my CPN, Co-Worker, Therapist, Psychiatrist, Social Worker and Community Support. They're each so vital to my recovery and each help me in a different way with a different point of view. Next, thank you to all of the Police who have saved my life and ensured my safety as far as humanly possible. This isn't their job but nothing's changing soon so I guess it's best that they are trained better in mental health. Everyone has an opinion and everyone has disagreements. So I'm grateful to all of the officers who were caring, compassionate, understanding and helpful. Finally, to all of the medical staff who have saved my body. And to the psychiatric staff who have saved my mind. Readers What can I say? I'm NOT Disordered would be nowhere without you guys. And I know that some of you are my friends, some of you have worked with me and some of you are complete strangers. But thank you. To each and every single one of you. In a way, you guys are similar to my Mum in that I genuinely feel that there are not enough words out there to say how very grateful I am to you guys. So thank you for making I'm NOT Disordered into what it is today, without you guys I may not still be blogging, recovering, caring, feeling hopeful and positive and looking forward to every single day because I get to look at my blog and be proud of (on a bad day) at least one thing in my life. To thank those closest to me properly, I will be throwing a party to celebrate 100,000+. It is a private party which is why there's been no real mention of it as only those invited have known it is happening. But I thought this was the opportunity to tell everyone that I am doing something special for such a monumental achievement. And of course it will be blogged, photographed and vlogged so even those not invited or unable to attend can experience it.
