HOW TO LAND A COLLABORATION | FOUR TOP TIPS

After attending the Richmond Fellowship Working Together Committee meeting on January 24^th, it got me thinking a lot about all of the collaborations I’ve had with organizations. And now that I’m NOT Disordered has almost half a million readers, I feel like maybe now is the right time to share some advice for new Bloggers and current Bloggers who aren’t as established as they’d like to be. I won’t pretend to be an expert though; there are so many Bloggers out there who are doing some incredible work with huge organizations, but I think that in the Blogging industry, there’s a lot around competition and tearing one another down in order to climb the ladder and I don’t want to be one of those Bloggers. Instead, I want to promote the positive impact Blogging can have on your mental health and encourage others to ‘give it a go.’ I’d love to see more mental health Blogs out there so that we can spread the word about the topic in an aim to diminish the stigma around it. Collaborating with Organizations also provides this opportunity and it has played a huge part in the success/popularity of I’m NOT Disordered.

THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT TAKING ON TOO MUCH | FUTURE LEARN | AD

Recently, during my relapse, I’ve found that a lot of professionals and those who care about me (mainly my Mum) have talked to me about how much I take on in life.

They have helped me to realize that before the relapse, I was doing a lot of different things at once; from courses with Future Learn, to the problems of others, to projects with different organizations.

EDUCATION

There’re so many courses on Future Learn that I’d like to do at the moment, but I’ve learnt to do one at a time and to add the rest to my ‘Wishlist’ on the site. Now, I’m doing ‘Beyond Diagnosis:Is Psychiatric Diagnosis Helpful?’ which is a module facilitated by the University of Liverpool so it’s degree level learning. Considering the highest level, I’ve ever done was my A Levels in 2009…

WHY WE SHOULD ALL HAVE A ROLE MODEL

When I first started blogging there were three mental health blogs out there: one by a ex-service user, another by a mental health nurse, and one by a Police Officer with an interest in mental health. I was (to my knowledge) the only inpatient to be blogging. Looking back, I guess it makes sense that I was kind of floundering in my first year or so with I’m NOT Disordered; I had no one to look up to, no one to find inspiration in, no one to aspire to.

"If you haven't got the mindset right, you've got nothing" - A guest blog by Lindsey Wanless

I received a message from Aimee asking if I would write a guest post for her blog on the mental side of my journey of weight loss. At first I thought I don't know what she means... Mental side? Of weight loss? I never thought of weight loss as challenging you mentally but the days that followed Aimee asking me, I soon realised it was definitely a mental challenge more than a physical one the more I thought about it.

I've lost 7 and a half stone over the course of a year going from 20 stone down to 12 and a half stone dropping from a  size 22 to a 12.

Thinking about the main mental challenges I faced throughout my year I've had a lot of support but also criticism of my journey, which to me was the main mental side of my journey... Keeping focused even when facing negativity and criticism of the diet and exercise regime you are following which I did not expect to receive when people were also negative of my bad eating habits prior to this

I've overcome anything negative that is said by using this as ammunition in the gym, this is my body, my life and to me it's a healthier life, what can be so wrong about eating healthy and getting fit and staying that way?

Everyday waking up at 4:45am to prepare for my 5:45am class is mentally challenging in itself, you really need a strong mindset to get up and out the door when half your body is still in bed but half of you is out the door ...

As well as the tiredness of doing this whilst working full time with a 4 year old I've also had to overcome body confidence issues. When you've been a big girl for a long time you instantly still head to the bigger sizes in the store, you still want to cover up and you are still that unconfident quiet person inside although people expect more from you. They see you posing with your new figure and tell you to show it off... But they don't realise just because you have a new look does not give you all the confidence in the world ... You need to build it up... Just like muscle .. Only it takes a lot longer ...

I would say it's only recently that I feel my confidence is climbing I'm finally starting to be a more confident person, not covering up completely, enjoying clothes shopping, and starting to enjoy the new me.... Because that's effectively what has happened to me.. I'm a new person.. Same personality but different outlook on life. Completely different mindset.

I've always kept the same mindset throughout my journey, I've never waivered and that is what I believe has led me to my successful weight loss and keeping the mentality of "I can do this.. Don't give up when you've come this far"...

Do I see myself as a strong person? Not really... Maybe mentally yes to get this far and keep going even with negative support at times... Do I feel proud? Well not really because I'm still not where I want to be (which is another mental issue as most people think I look fine the way I look now ... But they aren't me in my head) ...

So there's me thinking that a weight loss journey isn't a mental journey... It really is... If you haven't got the mindset right you've got nothing ...and like anything else in life everything is all one mental journey ... But we can change our journeys in the blink of an eye... I just woke up one day and decided enough was enough I was going to change my life for the better... And anyone that's reading this if you are feeling like I was... Miserable all the time, hated going out, felt unsociable, unconfident ... Don't be like me, do something about it today, it's all in our heads... Only you can make a real difference to your life 😊 whether you be suffering with weight issues, depression, low self esteem etc just do it we only have one life ... Live it! X

PS: Anyone is free to message me if you want to chat, you can see my personal journey on my Facebook page and my ongoing journey with health and fitness to achieve my goal

Mental Health Awareness Week: Top Relationships for Me

From the 16th until the 22nd of May, it is Mental Health Awareness week. 

Mental Health Awareness Week is about recognising the different aspects of life which affect your mental health (for better or for worse), thanking those who support you and encouraging others to get help. This year, there will be a specific focus on relationships, in recognition of the fact that having healthy, and supportive relationships can reduce the risk of ill mental health. The Week is a celebration of all of those relationships (from your family, to a colleague, to your pet, to your GP!) that add to our wellbeing, and protect and sustain our mental health. By taking notice of the connections that make you feel safe and supported, it is hoped that many will join in the campaign to ensure that decision makers address the current barriers that prevent people from forming such important relationships.

#1

Name: Diane Wilson

Why have you chosen this person? I wouldn't be here without her

Your relationship e.g. Mum, Cousin, friend, partner etc. : Mum and Daughter

How long have you known one another? All my life!

How did you first meet? In a bit of an awkward situation...!!

List three highlights from your relationship so far.

1. When I passed all of my GCSE's against all of the odds! My Mum supported me through all of the complications and set-backs (biggest understatement EVER!) that surrounded my exams. And I'll never forget running in to her work and telling her I passed them all; she picked me up and swung me round, and then took me all the way round her work so she could tell absolutely everyone. It's one of two of the proudest moments in my life.

2. The second highlight is actually the second most proudest moment of my life; my celebratory event for reaching over 100k readers on I'm NOT Disordered. My Mum was a massive help in organising it and setting everything up; and hearing her speech about me, my recovery, and the success of my blog, was incredible. My Mum was there from start to finish; from being given flowers on the morning of the event to then sharing a bedroom at the event venue (a Hotel!) afterwards and staying up late just gushing about how incredible it all was and looking at everyone's photos.

3. This isn't exactly a specific moment, but a series of moments. All of the small victories we've shared. The day I was discharged from hospital and moved into my own home. The day Dolly came home. Every time that I've been offered an amazing opportunity and automatically call Mum.

Has there been any low or difficult moments in your relationship? If yes, how have these been overcome? Obviously, the years spent with me hallucinating, self-harming and attempting suicide, were hard on our relationship. No; not hard... Challenging? No... It was life changing. For both of us as separate people and for both of us as Mum and Daughter. In the beginning, my Mum was at a loss as to why I was doing the things I did. Once I finally told someone about the abuse, that was a whole other journey for us. But, we've made it! Being so far away from Mum for so long (in the psychiatric Hospital around 300miles from home for over 2 years) helped me to appreciate her so much more, and to properly enjoy our time together. These days, we talk a million times a day, send each other photos, and see one another as often as we can. I love my Mum. I have always loved my Mum. And I always will.

Do you have any differences of opinion, views or beliefs? If yes, what are they? I think our biggest difference is that my Mum is a very private person; she doesn't share her business with many people. I completely understand her need for privacy, and to a degree, I do have some similarities in that there are certain aspects of my life that I don't disclose on social media, or discuss on I'm NOT Disordered. But there are also things that I might mention on my blog, or on social media and my Mum wouldn't have done. Still, though, she appreciates and respects my opinion on privacy and knows that disclosing some personal details, has contributed to helping others.  

List three things you have in common. 
1. Our love for cats!
2. Our advocating of honesty and trust.
3. A bit of a twisted sense of humour!

Is there anything you're looking forward to with this person? Yes, we have lots of travel and trips planned!

Describe this person with one word. Inspirational.

Write one sentence of something you would like to say to this person. I can't - there never seems to be enough words to do justice for my love, respect and gratitude towards my Mum.

#2

Name: Dolly

Why have you chosen this person? She's who I share my home with. She's there when no one else can be.

Your relationship e.g. Mum, Cousin, friend, partner etc. : She's my pet. And my bestfriend. And my family.

How long have you known one another? Since November 22nd 2014.

How did you first meet? I found Dolly on a website called Pets4Homes; I was searching through kittens for sale nearby. When we actually met (November 22nd) one of the hospital staff drove me and my Mum to see her.

What was your first thought/opinion on this person? 'Oh my God! She's so cute! I want her!'

Has this changed? She's still so cute. But I have her now.

List three highlights from your relationship so far.
1. Obviously, the day she first came home and looked absolutely tiny as she explored. And if I went into another room and she hadn't seen, she'd sit and cry until I came to her!

2. Her first Christmas in 2014! She loved the tree. And she was still only three months old so she was playful and excitable like a child! I have this photo that my Mum took on Boxing Day and I'd fallen asleep on the settee and Dolly was just lying flat out next to me! 

3. The little things are very special. Like, seeing her after we've been apart for a while, seeing how she is completely loving towards me even when visitors are here; she'll hiss at them and I'll call her name and she'll come trotting over squeaking (she doesn't meow) and rub herself against me. Cuddling her is the one time that I use mindfulness skills by completely focusing on the feel of her fur on my hand (she's longhaired!). And the moments when I look at her and I'm reminded that all of the hard work I've put in to get to where I am today, was worth it.  

Has there been any low or difficult moments in your relationship? If yes, how have these been overcome? When I went to collect Dolly from the Vets after she was spayed, they told me that she'd been really aggressive and she was brought through in a cage covered by a blanket. They warned me to be careful but once I opened the cage and she saw it was me, she came running into my arms, snuggled in and started purring; the nurses said she was like a completely different cat. Since that admission, she has never been the same. She has very anxious and restless moments and the worst is that she's aggressive with visitors. She was always so friendly and now she's actually hurt my friends and one of my support workers. It's embarrassing and awkward; but whilst I was worrying and considering getting her help, everyone told me she was just being protective. But I knew. And I was right. She was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder (yes you can laugh but not for long) and I've now bought her everything available to help her and she's now booked in with a pet Behaviour Therapist. It's hard to see her get upset; and to worry about having friends over because it'll upset her, but it's also encouraged me to believe that I do know what is best for Dolly and I do make the right decisions for her; I'm a good Mum!

Do you have any differences of opinion, views or beliefs? If yes, what are they? I know I wrote these questions but when I did, I didn't think of filling them in about Dolly! Although, I'm pretty sure that she believes it's ok to wee on my bed - which I disagree with.

List three things you have in common.
1. Long hair?! And we love having it brushed?!
2. We love each other. And I think it's safe to say that we're each other's world.
3. We like our food!

Is there anything you're looking forward to with this person? I love the thought that because cats can live so long, the chances are that Dolly will be with me when I meet someone, when I get married and especially; when I have children.

Describe this person with one word. Forever.

Write one sentence of something you would like to say to this person. I will do anything to make you better. And you will get better.

Crying over the person I was

                                

Those of you who have read the blog for some time, will know who Chelsea is. For those who don't, I met Chelsea in the hospital I was in when I began this blog. We quickly became best friends and because of our previous experiences, the friendship seemed incredibly important and special. 
When Chelsea was discharged from the hospital first, she had a book made up, that told the story of our friendship; from the very beginning when I was first admitted and Chelsea was allocated my 'buddy.' This meant she showed me around the ward and introduced me to the rest of the girls, as well as sticking by my side through OT groups and activities. Chelsea had used her diary, my blog, and her own memories to write the short book about our time together; including the times we'd have fun and giggles, the times that I'd be hugging and supporting her, and the times when she'd be checking my room for my hallucinated rabbits. She included photos of us, and pictures from Pinterest with lovely quotes.
Now, for some reason, one night, I decided to clean the shelf beneath the table that my bedroom TV was on and when I spotted the book, I decided to read it. I hadn't looked at it in probably almost a year. I started crying when I read some of the things I'd done etc that had given Chelsea reason to support, protect and look after me. Things like me hallucinating and being so convinced that there was evil rabbits running around my bedroom that I refused to go in until Chelsea had checked the entire room and all of the possible hiding places. There was also details of the first overdose I took whilst in that hospital and the affect it had on Chelsea. There was a lot more too, and it all made me think about the person I once was.
I was remembering being restrained in the middle of Asda, and not caring or feeling any embarrassment because I was so lost in what the voices in my head were saying. I remembered lying on the hospital bathroom floor and crying because I had nothing sharp enough to slit my throat with. I remembered all the times that I'd be in a cubicle of a public toilet, feeling so incredibly lonely and I'd swallow all these paracetamol tablets. I remembered standing on bridges and the only thing stopping me was the worry that I'd end up paralysed and not dead. I remember all those moments when I'd feel so hopeless and accepting that my life would continue in this way until I eventually killed myself.
I'm very aware that stating that I cried over me being that way, sounds very self-pitying and pathetic. But I think that in a way, it's also understandable. I am in such a good, positive, safe, and happy place (mentally and physically), that it's making me reflect a lot on those hard days. I guess I just wish that the me that I am now, could go back and reassure the old me that things would get this good. But at the same time, so many people told me, during that time, that my future was bright and I didn't believe them. I think it makes me feel lucky that I was saved so many times so that I was given the opportunity to live the way I am now, to do all of the things I'm doing, and to feel so happy, positive and safe.

NTW NHS Partnership and other 2016 projects | 'Ad'

Hi folks!
I'd actually wrote the idea of this post on my to-do list and had called it a life update but I realised that will look like I'm going to chat about my home, my cat and time with friends and family. Which I'm not. It's all business/blog/work related but I feel like this year, it has definitely become my life! I've had so many meetings, emails and calls about projects, collabs, and partnerships with a huge variety of people and organisations, I've also had to do the daily posts in the '10 things..' series and spend time with friends and family. And Dolly!
Anyhow! I met with  Caroline Wild who is the Deputy Director of Partnerships in NTW, and we also had a poorly John Lawlor on conference call from his home!

• We discussed a Twitter partnership for the huge Time To Change event where I'll be managing social media
• I'll be meeting with the NTW NHS Police Liason officer; Claire Andre, and Northumbria Police Mental Health Lead, Steve Baker to give my views on new projects they've got in the pipeline and discuss a collaboration with I'm NOT Disordered.
• I've agreed to do some posts focused on the Peer Support Workers employed by NTW
• I'll be meeting Will Green, Head of Communications and others from the comms and digital team to discuss online projects together and refreshing the key card that gives staff advice about Social Media
• I will be joining the NTW comms and marketing team in their collaboration campaign with Sunderland City Council in raising awareness of mental health and suicide
• And finally, we're looking into creating a blog for NTW!

Sorry if none of that excited you but I'm excited and I'm the one who's doing it all! 

Caroline's Twitter: @carolinewild

John's Twitter: @johnlawlorNTW

Claire's Twitter: @LovelyClaireA

Will's Twitter: @willgreenNHS

On February 4th I'll be joining the Time To Change media team in London to manage their social media on Time To Talk Day so keep an eye on their social media accounts to see my posts! And then on the 6th, I'll be managing the social media at the large event in Newcastle. If you're near the City Centre then the event will be taking place 10am - 3pm at Grey's Monument then pop along!


Also, quick note! Most of you will be aware but if not, I'll be running a blogging workshop at two of my local colleges so if you live in my area (North East) and are interested in enrolling send me an email (aimeewilson@live.co.uk) and I'll give you the info. Also, for anyone out of the area who would be interested, please let know and I could try form it into posts in here!

The college prospectus can be found here

10 Things You Should Know About... Mental Health Recovery

         

       

1. If you have been self-harming or engaging in dangerous or unsafe behaviour the recovery doesn't necessarily mean you'll be 100% safe. Right now, I don't want to self-harm and I'd like to think that I never will again but sometimes you can't guarantee your safety because you don't know what might happen in the future.
2. It's often not at all what you imagined or how professionals might have led you to believe it would be. Stereotypical recovery is usually thought of as being safe, medication at the right dose etc, better coping strategies, the ability to work or study, less or no hallucinations, a stable mood and all round healthy lifestyle, but these may not apply to everyone and there could be aspects that don't have to change for you to be in recovery. Your idea of recovery is also often affected by professionals and the particular changes in your mental health that they encourage and highlight or the way in which they recognise your improvements.
3. Mental Health recovery is a unique and individual process as not everyone has the same diagnosis, not everyone is physically unsafe, each person is at a different point in their journey before embarking on recovery, there's different causes for each person's mental ill health, there are different ways in which an individual can be deemed to be in recovery, and individuals may have different experiences throughout their recovery such as a trauma or change in medication etc
4. Recovery doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be taking no medication. This may be the case for some, for others it might be that your medication is gradually being reduced, or that you're now on a medication and dose that works best for you.
5. It's bloody hard work! No matter how many changes you need to make, and the speed in which you make them. The way I looked at it was that I put so much time and effort into self-destruction, it was understandable that it'll take the same, or twice as much effort, and time to rectify all of that. I kept reminding myself that it'd all be worth it. And since my recovery initially meant being sectioned to a hospital miles from home, I had to realise that each day, each month, even each year (I was hospitalised for two and a half years) was worth it in the long run, to have my life back.
6. If you're thought to be 'in recovery' that doesn't always mean that you no longer have a mental health diagnosis. For some disorders, if you're no longer experiencing just one of diagnostic criteria then your diagnosis will no longer apply. However I do know that with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, you have to have been symptom free for five years before the diagnosis can no longer be applied. And that's frustrating; that you could be completely different to the person you were when you were diagnosed, yet the label is still sticking.
7. No matter what your diagnosis, your symptoms, the severity of your disorder, the causes of your mental ill health, the treatment required and the support system you have, everyone has the chance at recovery. At one point, during the years before hospital, almost all professionals; namely A&E staff, our local Crisis Team and the Police seemed to have given up on me. I would often admit that I could 100% guarantee that I would hurt myself again. I could admit it because I knew that they wouldn't care. Wouldn't stop me. They had accepted a long time ago that nothing was working. Nothing could make me better. Ironically I had hope until the professionals didn't. And I'd like to think that someone who the professionals had given up on, still making it into recovery, is a massive example of recovery being possible for anyone. Have hope.
8. Having someone talk to you who is perhaps 'ahead of you' in the recovery process, could feel completely and utterly demeaning, or it could give you hope and provide inspiration for your own recovery. Ultimately, it is your mindset that determines which way you'll react. If you're angry at the world then your reaction may be that you believe this person doesn't have a clue about how bad you feel and how determined you may be to self-destruct. If you're eager to get better then you'll thank the person. Either way, when you're in recovery (because you will be, no matter how long it takes) you'll be telling others to have hope and will be so incredibly frustrated to learn that people do shrug you off. Believe me.
9. Don't belittle your own recovery when you hear how well others are doing. Being an inpatient often meant some patients being admitted after you and still getting discharged before you. Eventually, I realised that recovery doesn't necessarily mean you have to be discharged from hospital. As I said before everyone's journey through recovery is unique and so it takes different things to illustrate your recovery. So don't compare yourself to others. So long as you feel that you're moving forward - even if it's just baby steps, you're recovering. It's not a race.
10. Mental health recovery is worth the effort.

World Bloggers Award

                      

That's right, thanks to Amy Walker from hadhOpeamy I'm now part of the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award. It might only be the 4th day of a new year, but what a start it has been! My views have doubled. I've been retweeted by one of my two favourite bloggers. I've been offered so many different opportunities. All of my collabs and new content are coming together. And my personal life is awesome! So this Award is in good company with my other 2016 achievements. And if this is all within four days, imagine what will happen within the year!!
The rules of the Award mean that I need to answer the ten questions posed by Amy, nominate other bloggers, and pose ten more questions to those bloggers. Unfortunately I don't have the time to write another ten questions so I'd just like my nomination to answer the questions that I have. I also don't follow many bloggers, I just read posts that catch my eye. However, I would like to nominate a very kind person: Annie May from adiostoanorexia.blogspot.com.
Q1) How do you like to write? Include the environment you like to be in, the mood you like to be in, and any extras you like to have such as a mug of tea and blanket...
-  I'm usually at home, snuggled on the settee with a blanket, Diet Coke and movies.
Q2) Where do you find the topics you write about?
- Mostly through personal experience or taking inspo from a blog ideas book
Q3) What are your blogging pet peeves?
I never read through my posts before publishing them so it's really annoying if I look back to get info for other posts and notice mistakes. I also receive lots of guest posts and don't read through these until I'm typing them up to be scheduled and it's so annoying if I realise that it's not relevant content.
Q4) What draws your attention to a blog and makes you want to follow it?
As I said I don't follow many blogs religiously other than Zoella and InTheFrow who I heard about through media. But with Annie being a friend on Facebook I always spot when she's posted new content, and they're usually pretty short so I usually have the time to keep up with her blog. I'd like to change all of this in 2016 and discover new bloggers with content I'd be interested in. My only issue is that I seem to be drawn more to YouTubers than written blogs... But I think a blog's popularity draws me to it, I guess I think 'if all these people like it then it must be good.'
Q5) If there was something you could change in your blogging past, what would it be and why?
If I had any regrets with I'm NOT Disordered then it wouldn't be where it is today; and I'm very proud of what it has become.
Q6) What is the main thing that keeps you blogging regularly?
My love for it.
Q7) In two years time where would you like your blog to be?
There's no way I could imagine that far ahead! But I'm optimistic and hopeful for the future of I'm NOT Disordered.
Q8) Do you share your blog with people you know in real-life or is it all online only?
I think that initially, my readers were mainly my friends and family who I had on Facebook as that's where I first posted links to new posts. Next to no one knew I had a mental health disorder so I think they were interested to see exactly what that entailed. Although, I do try to forget that people I know are reading what I write because I think it might affect what I write.
Q9) What's your favourite way to connect with other writers/blogging?
Through Twitter.
Q10) Do you have any tips you would like to share with fellow bloggers?
If you can dream it, you can do it. Put your everything into everything you do.

Christmas Q&A with Adios to Anorexia

Note: these questions are that of Angharad May who is a blogger and featured in C4's documentary: On The Edge and Online
@haradmay
adiostoanorexia.blogspot.com

[These questions were taken from Zoella and Joe Sugg's yearly Christmas YouTube videos, namely: http://youtu.be/1j9ro77HxWg
I like to think that my blog gives a rounded view were possible, in that I publish posts from a variety of people and on a variety of topics that I might not have experienced or have the ability to write about. And so, every day until Christmas, there will be a new post of a different person's answers to the same questions. I hope it helps to get you all into the Christmas spirit]

            
1. When do you start getting excited for Christmas Day?
First of all at the Service of Nine Lessons and Carols in church (I sing in my church choir) and then mainly at Midnight Mass which is one of my favourite events of the year.
2. Do you still have an advent calendar? If yes, which do you have and if no, when did you stop having them?
I haven't had an Advent calendar for about eight years (damn Anorexia), until this year. My Uncle up to visit me and brought me a huge advent calendar this year. It is a Snowman and the Snowdog advent calendar from Thorntins and it has my name personalised on a slab of chocolate.
3. What are favourite Christmas movies?
Anything and everything because I love movies. I think my favourite comedy Christmas movie is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It's just too funny, I love it. You know it's Christmas when you watch this film,
4. Do you have any funny Christmas stories/memories?
I do have a story which others might find funny, and I think in the future I will find it funny, but it's still pretty traumatic for me. One year, our turkey went off and smelt really bad when we got up on Christmas Day. My Mum and Dad were in the verge of a divorce and I remember it being an absolutely horrendous Christmas. The rotten turkey was the last straw and I remember my Mum (because it was her fault the turkey went off) just standing there wailing and banging her head on the wall. This is where I got the idea to self harm by whacking myself against walls. Actually maybe this isn't such a funny story after all but you could imagine it being made funny in a scene in a film or a soap opera or something.
5. What's your typical Christmas Day?
Getting up at a reasonable time and going to church. This is one of my favourite services of the year, after Easter, because it is such a special time knowing that Christ has been born to set us free. After church I walk home and put the dinner on for my Mum. She eats her dinner and I have a bowl of soup (damn Anorexia again) but I do allow myself some bubbly to share with her. In the afternoon, Mum and I open our presents and maybe go for a little walk, depending on the weather. Well, I walk and Mum comes along on her scooter because she has MS and can't really walk. In the evening, we either play a board game or watch Christmas TV.
6. What do you eat for you Christmas dinner? And what is your favourite part of it?
I have Anorexia so Christmas dinner is a huge no-no for me. I haven't had a Christmas dinner for about 8 years and even then, at the start of my illness, I was force fed food so had no choice but to eat a full Christmas dinner. It was hell on earth! This year I will have a bowl of soup and maybe some mulled wine or Buck's Fizz. In previous years I have eaten some sprouts.
7. Do you have any Christmas traditions?
Going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and then going to church on Christmas Day. Midnight Mass is my favourite, it's so special to me.
8. What are your favourite Christmas songs?
I have too many to choose from!! I do love In the Bleak Midwinter and O Holy Night though, they are scrumptious.
9. What has been your best Christmas present?
My friend from Church once bought me a teeny tiny little pink gemstone Angel. I take it everywhere, just clutch onto it and it really helps my anxiety. I know if I've got my angel then everything will be ok.
10. Do you prefer a real or fake Chrismax tree?
Real because I love the fresh pine smell, but at home I always get a fake tree because it is just let bother. And I get scented candles to make it smell like a proper Christmas Tree!!!
11. This year, do you think you'd be on the naughty or nice list?
Haha I have no idea!!!!!! I'm too good to be naughty but I'm too evil to be nice!
12. What are your favourite treats at Christmas?
Listening to wonderful carols.
13. Do you prefer giving or receiving presents?
I much prefer giving presents. I love getting a whole load of little things for my Mum and watching her open them!
14. Where would be your dream place to spend Christmas?
At home, all nice and cosy.
15. Are you good at wrapping presents?
Annoyingly I'm such a perfectionist that I'd have to say yes to this!
16. What time do you usually get up on Christmas morning? Is this different from when you were little?
I usually get up about 9am on Christmas Day, so that I get to Church in time. This is loads later than when I was little! Haha I'm such a lazybum now!
17. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real? And how did you find out?
I was about 10; I don't really remember how I found out, I think of the kids in school told me?
18. What is your dream Christmas present?
To get better from mental illness.

Merry Christmas!!!

When you feel like everything is changing, it's lovely to find that some things stay exactly the same. Dolly, my constant 

Merry Christmas

Lots of Love

Aimee & Dolly

Am I a 'Blogger' now?

I've been thinking a lot recently about blogging and labelling myself as a blogger and the opinions this provokes in others, and how I feel about it myself.
A lot of times recently my Mum has been asked what her daughter does and she's proudly announced that I'm a blogger; she said she regards me as working. Firstly, hearing how proud she is of what I do is heartwarming, probably because blogging means just as much to me too. Secondly, I never thought something like this would ever end up being classed as 'work.' Not just in society but to my family and friends. This was a place to rant about hospital staff... And now? Wow...
I suppose I feel that I'm NOT Disordered is at a junction now; I believe my blog is at the stage where it can only go up and I have the faith in it that it will, so I've been considering all that might entail. And whether I'm ready for it.
Lucy Watson on Made in Chelsea was with her sister discussing a work opportunity offered by a fashion blogger and Lucy said (no direct quote as I don't remember the exact phrasing) that everyone has a blog and it isn't hard. I do agree that it sometimes feels, these days, that everyone has a blog but that's due to it becoming a bit of a trend, and so, not only does this mean that everyone is jumping on the bandwagon, but that all of these people are calling themselves bloggers because that, is also the trend.
Personally, I believe it's like only just starting a Law degree at Uni and referring to yourself as a Lawyer. When I first began I'm NOT Disordered, I'd tell people that I had a blog; I didn't feel that I could already take on the label of being a 'blogger.' But everyone is different of course. I think also that 'labels' have been a hugely negative part of my life; I've either been the 'attention seeker,' 'the victim,' 'the patient,' 'the sufferer'... Never mind what I've been called out of my earshot! So I think that all of this has made me incredibly cautious to adopt a label myself because for some, 'blogger' does still have a negative connotation.
After over two years of this, I've learnt just how passionate I am about blogging, how much I love I'm NOT Disordered and how proud I am to be a blogger. For such a long time I believed that my greatest achievement was passing all of my GCSEs. That was in 2007. So all these years it's felt harder because it felt like I'd achieved nothing for so long. My proud moment was slipping further and further away which each day that I self-harmed. And I think that my party on November 14th to celebrate over 100,000 views was the night that I decided that this, my blog: I'm NOT Disordered is my greatest achievement. I finally feel that I deserve to be labelled a 'blogger'. And I guess, my belief, is that being a 'blogger' isn't just about having a blog. It's so much more. It's about loving being a blogger. It's about the significance that blogging brings to your life, and it's about being content at the thought of 'blogger' being your only label.
Now, back to Lucy Watson's next comment; that blogging isn't hard. If you'd asked me that a year ago, I would've agreed. Purely because at that point, my posts were mainly personal and therefore about my day-to-day life in hospital and eventually, into recovery. The only exceptions were guest posts which I didn't decide to begin publishing until February 2014. Admittedly, writing what you've done or what has happened in your day, isn't exactly a challenge. Neither, is asking someone to write whatever they'd like and then copying and pasting it and clicking 'publish'. I can pinpoint when I began putting more effort in and working harder on the blog by looking back over posts, and predictably, it seems to have been when I first began attending events and working with organisations. Namely, YoungMinds at the very beginning of their Vs campaign and attending the Crisis Care Concordat event. It inspired me to begin thinking of new ideas for I'm
NOT Disordered, always with the aim of giving my readers and followers a reason to come back to the blog. I respected the amazing popularity of the blog and believed I should offer something in return. Better the blog. Better myself as a blogger. This first began with The BP Series, an idea of mine to create a more intense pattern of posts that were all centred around positivity.
These days, I'm travelling all over the country, being commissioned to attend mental health events and I use a book called 365 Blog Topic Ideas, it is aimed at lifestyle/beauty bloggers so I've worked even harder by adapting the ideas to make them more appropriate to the style and content of I'm NOT Disordered. But, I have to say, that right now, I don't think I ever worked harder on the blog. I'm looking at new ideas for posts from the book, I'm building on those to think of more content, I'm deciding which external projects I'd like to prioritise for my time and space on I'm NOT Disordered, evaluating the past year by means of blog statistics and imagining where I'd like myself and my blog to be by the end of 2016.
My only hope is that you all know, both how much I love blogging, and how incredibly hard I'm working.

#100kwithimnotdisordered

Firstly, massive apologies that it's taken so long to get this post up but I completely underestimated how tired I'd be after the event, and how much of my social media I'd have to catch up with. As Well as my physical health deteriorating due to a swollen lymphnode.
Secondly, my best friend has wrote a blog post of what went on at the event e.g. the running order of things, so I won't be discussing that part in this post. You can read her post here. And go see her vlog too!

I had speeches from my Mum, my date for the evening: Danny Bowman, Time To Change staff: Angela Slater and Chief Executive of the NTW NHS (our local mental health Trust, one of the largest in the UK) : John Lawlor. I couldn't look at them while they spoke because I knew I'd cry if I did but later, I thought how I'd always imagined what these people said about me would be the sort of thing people would say at my funeral. Because, no matter how bad a person is, they're only ever talked about in a positive light. And I guess that this shows two things; the first being that I believed I would die, and I believed that I was such a bad person that my death would be the only opportunity for people to say anything positive and even then, it is under duress.

Throughout the night I was asked countless times how it felt having this party, and was told numerous that I must be 'so proud.' It was a strange feeling, I expected the words to lose their meaning after being said so many times, but it was as though each time it was said, it pushed me a step further into the dream I believed myself to be in. It felt so surreal that at one point, I found myself in the toilets actually pinching myself to test whether it was reality. In the hotel room afterwards, I just remember feeling so content. With life. With my life.

I'm going to attempt to explain this because my mum couldn't quite grasp it when I tried to explain this... If you were to have a scale that went from -10 to 10 and -10 is the worst you could feel and 10 is the best, I'd be on a 14, which means that 1. I felt happier than I ever believed possible, and 2. My happiness wasn't even at the opposite end to the worst I've ever felt. It went beyond. Beyond anything I'd ever felt.

My favourite parts of the party were the moment when Mum gave me a Swarovski bracelet

The moment Danny and I first saw one another

 Being given an award

 Seeing all of these special people in my life actually meeting one another and chatting 

And finally, having a slow dance and sing with Lauren and Sophie at the end of the night.

(Video created by Lauren Dewar)

So... I'm throwing a party!! #100kwithimnotdisordered

Helloooooo

Some of you may already know this if you're invited or have seen me mention it on Twitter, Facebook and in my vlogs. To celebrate getting 100,000 views, I'm hosting a party at a lovely hotel in Newcastle (I'm not disclosing exact details as its an invitation only event).
When I first talked about wanting to celebrate this milestone, I thought it would be something that just remained a dream. And now it's happening tomorrow!!! It's soooo crazy and surreal!
I've never thrown an event/party like this before so I had lots of help from my Mum and Auntie, which limited my stress so that I was more excited.
The plan for the party is to have photos (I have a photographer booked) in front of the backdrop that has my blog logo all over it as they come in. I have two tables that have a seating plan and then the other three are free to everyone. So I have my table with lots of special people from my Mum to the Cheif Executive of NTW! And then a table for all of my friends so I can go sit with them throughout the evening. I'll be making an opening speech and there's three others speaking before food is served at 7:30 and the singer will be playing for the rest of the party. I have an adjoining room to the main one where there'll be a stand set up for Time To Change and SoMe. Then the radio station; Mentally Sound will have an area for interviews so there's minimal background noise.
And finally, everyone can leave with a goodie bag!
The reason I wanted to throw this party was not only to celebrate the success of I'm Not Disordered, but also, to thank those who have been and will be instrumental in supporting the blog and providing with amazing opportunities.
I wanted to write this post before the event as the post after it will just contain photos!

Here's a sneak peek at the blog merchandise that'll be there!!!!

Blog or Business?

So there's a 'rule' in blogging and for YouTubers (I'm a full believer that these are separate things, though a person can be both) that you have to declare when a post/video/tweet is sponsored, paid for or requested. Personally, I've been incredibly surprised to see when particular posts are actually 'ads' from the bloggers and YouTubers I follow (Zoella, InTheFrow and Lly Mlrs). One photo on Instagram of a blogger and YouTuber holding a handbag and featuring her rings and a watch was actually an ad! It struck me how something so simple and unassuming could be 'set up' so to speak.
I always find it surprising that the first question I'm asked when I tell someone that I'm a blogger is 'do you get any money from that?' Initially, I feel a bit annoyed; as though they're asking 'why would you do that when you're not being paid?' Blogging often starts as an interest and hobby for most, it's only when you build a following that money becomes involved. I feel that blogging isn't seen as a hobby because it is only publicised when bloggers are in the stage of being paid to do ads etc.
When I first began blogging I didn't know much about it but I soon learnt about featuring adverts on your blog. It was easy for me to come to the quick decision that I didn't want companies placing ads on I'm NOT Disordered. I felt that they'd distract from my content and for me, my content was essential in achieving my aim of educating others in mental health in order to help minimise stigma. But I knew that such a decision was personal to each blogger, with each blog being different and featuring different content no matter whether they are from the same category e.g. beauty.
Because I follow primarily fashion and beauty bloggers and YouTubers, I began to view being gifted freebies as a sign of being a successful blogger and so that happened for a while... I was sent beauty products and asked to review them. I think I wrote two reviews before realising I'm not that kind of blogger; and that's ok. Readers don't come to my blog for beauty reviews and there's literally a gazillion beauty bloggers out there who can write a product review better than I can. And so I tried to think of the mental health equivalent of free products and free tickets to fashion shows and I thought of mental health events and collaborating with those prominent in the field. And it is in there that I found a passion and motivation to blogging that I never knew was in me. I get such a buzz when organisations ask for my opinion on prospective campaigns, invite me to upcoming events and collaborate with me on my own thoughts and ideas. It's an honour to have organisations as big as Time to Change requesting to work with me. They have given me the opportunity to go to London twice in one month. I'm very lucky.
Readers might be expecting some sort of discussion in this post about fees and monies. I won't be disclosing figures. It's crass and unnecessary. And I'd still be blogging without it. Blogging because you love it, stands for a lot more than blogging for the money. So to my readers, know that my blog may change content, you may see more '| 'Ad's in my post titles and photos on my Instagram of events and me talking of experiences that some may dream of, but be sure of this: I have worked my ass off for these opportunities. They were not, and are not, handed to me on a plate. My blog remains a blog and although sad to see other blogs becoming more of a business; each to their own. If my word means anything to you guys; I'm NOT Disordered will remain a blog. And you guys will remain my favourites!

Always Have Hope

Two years ago, I was in ICU at a hospital in Bradford. I was sectioned, 200 miles from home and on life support because of a suicide attempt. To say I felt hopeless (when I was taken off life support) was an understatement. I was convinced that I'd kill myself. 

If, at that time, you'd told me what I'd be doing two years later, I would've laughed in your face and reassured you I'd be dead long before then. Because now, I have my own home, a lovely kitten, over 106,000 views on my blog, a request to facilitate blogging workshops at the new College in my area, and an invite to the Mind Media Awards being presented by Jo Brand. I've also just had the most amazing experience in watching Moscow Ballet perform Swan Lake at the theatre with my Mum. 

I'd like this to be motivation for others who are struggling a lot at the moment, or who aren't so far into their recovery journey. I'd like my experiences to instill hope in those who feel hopeless, sad, scared, alone, depressed, anxious, distant and suicidal. But I'm not stupid; two years ago, if some girl said to me 'I used to feel suicidal and now look at me' I'd have given them the cold shoulder; convinced she didn't have a clue how I felt or how determined I was to end my life. So, if you're reading this and thinking that, I was also in that place two years ago. Please trust me when I tell you that there is hope for EVERYONE. Everyone has a chance. 

Let's Think About It - A guest blog by Keiran Mulvaney | 'Ad'

Hi, I'm Keiran Mulvaney and I'm the founder of 'Let's Think About It.' It is a youth-led social action organisation, aiming to challenge the stigmatisation of mental health issues in young people, whilst raising awareness of the struggles they face.
In February we launched our 'I'm Fine' campaign video, which shows the effect that negative or improper use of mental health terminologies can have on someone who lives with mental health issues.
We chose this topic as almost all of us have heard at some point in school or the work place heard comments such as 'you're so OCD' or 'I'm so depressed that I didn't make the football team.' Depression, OCD and many other frequently misused similar terms relate to real, devastating mental health problems and shouldn't be used to make throwaway remarks. We recognise the harmful effects that this can have on sufferers and the delay it can cause in the time it takes them to seek advice or consult someone about their issue. Our aims are to:

• Confront the stigmas that surround mental health
• Support campaigns for mental health 
• Give young people more information on mental health disorders
• Make those with mental health issues aware of the resources they can access for support
• Work towards developing a attitude towards mental health which allows those facing mental health issues to seek help without fear or embarrassment

We believe that these aims will help our organisation to work towards improvements in all areas of mental health, not just the end issue. At Let's Think, we firmly believe in care at the source and not just after the issue has been there a while. We pride ourselves on being one of few campaigns that campaign for better services and treatments from the outset and tackling stigmas that delay and harm people rather than just campaigning for more funding into the area to treat the problems. That said, we do see very clearly the need for more funding to maintain and improve mental health services. We understand the important role of funding in treating any illness, and want to see a fairer proportion of budgets attributed to mental health - equal to physical illnesses.

Website: www.lets-think.org.uk
Facebook: www.facebook.com/letsthinkchange
Twitter: @letsthinkchange

Bi-Polar in 10 - A guest blog by Sharon Sutton

1. You can wake up feeling a shadow of your former self

2. Your thoughts seem to race faster than an F1 driver

3. Forgetfulness is happening too much in your everyday life

4. You wonder how you can feel so empty and hollow inside when you're putting weight on

5. Insomnia is a regular occurrence

6. The illness can make you driven and successful, causing jealousy

7. Your offspring won't necessailry have your disorder

8. You feel like you're the life and soul of parties

9. You're not 'mental' or 'crazy'

10. You don't have a terminal illness

Www.facebook.com/BIPOLARIISUFFERER
Www.facebook.com/mebipolarandi

Happy First Birthday Dolly!

My time with Dolly has been the happiest moments of the past year. Even when she first moved in and had accidents all over my bed, I couldn't resist smiling at her fluffy little face! 

My first post about Dolly - http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/blog-world-meet-dolly.html

Dolly moves in - http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/dollys-home.html

Dolly update - http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/dolly-update.html

Top 12 Moments of the Last 12 Months

1. Our first Christmas together which was best remembered as Dolly's numerous attacks on the Christmas Tree and taking the baubles off to one of her hidey holes!

2. The first time I brushed her (she's long haired) and she didn't know whether to try to get away or just lay there and purr!

3. The look on my Mums face every time she sees Dolly, their numerous play times together and the equally numerous toys Mum has bought Dolly. Mum often invites herself over because she feels that she hasn't seen Dolly

4. When she was spayed and was blatantly tripping from the anaesthetic. And the staff at the Vets said she was hissing and swiping but as soon as she saw me she was purring and licking my hand! To phrase the vet "that is not the same kitten we've just wrestled into a cage!" 

5. When I was sat on the settee once, crying because no matter how loud the voices got, I still felt all alone. And so Dolly left the radiator bed opposite me, jumped up on the settee and put her two front paws on me and just sat there. She knew. And I wasn't alone anymore. And I felt loved and comforted, so the tears stopped.

6. Whenever I come home. It doesn't matter how long I've been gone, she'll just want love and attention. Even if it's on a mealtime. Her priority is always affection. In the mornings, as soon as she hears me stir she crys at my bedroom door. I open it and she doesn't want breakfast; she wants to roll around on my bed having tummy tickles while she purrs. 
7. Whenever we talk to one another! I've found myself explaining things to her such as Christmas, the animal her food is from eg "this ones duck, do you know what noise a duck makes, Dolly?" Haha! And now I'm throwing a shin dig for Halloween, I can't wait to try and explain that to her! She gets so curious when she doesn't understand something e.g. if she gets a new toy (which happens often) and she isn't sure how to play with it. She's always learning and she's constantly curious. It's fascinating and refreshing.
8. She talks to birds. It's the most lovely, funny thing! She'll spot a bird through the window and immediately she's on the windowsill talking. She makes the strangest noise.It's not a meow or any noise normally associated with a cat! It's as though she's losing her voice and it just keep breaking and crackling. Sometimes I'll see she's on a windowsill and then I hear that noise and I know there's a bird outside without even having to look!
9. When I was poorly and in hospital but the police thought I was in my home and so they knocked the door in. I was so worried and when I got home and went round the whole house calling for Dolly and checking all of her usual hiding spots, I literally just sat on the floor crying hysterically. I finally came across her hiding among my pjs in my wardrobe. I was so happy that she hadn't escaped whilst the door was caved in but incredibly sad because she was trembling. But when I pullled her towards me and cuddled her in, her 
trembles turned to purrs and she was my Dolly again. And I was her mammy. And I 
promised to never let that happen again.

10. She doesn't even know how famous she is! Once it was official that Dolly would be mine, her photos were all over my blog, Twitter, Facebook and other social media. I wanted everyone to see how cute my recovery goal is. I kept updating my readers on the latest on life with Dolly and was often asked for more Dolly news and photos! So when Take A Break ran my story of my mental health and successful blog with the headline 'My Furry LifeSaver' I was over the moon that someone was recognising how essential Dolly is, not just to my recovery, but to my life. She wasn't just my recovery goal: motivating me to engage in therapies and put effort in, but she now motivates me to stay out of hospital, take all the opportunities offered to me (in the thought it'll make her proud of me) and to budget my money (so that I can buy her the world). She helps keep me alive in the dark moments when I don't want to be.
11. I learnt unconditional love from my Mum, and for years I had the belief that I'd never experience it because I thought myself to be too heartless, cold and undeserving of such a good feeling. But I have that feeling. Dolly has given me that feeling. And I'll be forever grateful to her for that. I'd do anything for her. The thought of life without her, just doesn't bear to think about. 
And number twelve? All of the things to come. It is baffling and warming to think of the rest of my life with Dolly. To think of her meeting any more frogs I might have to kiss until she gets to meet my prince. And when I make a family, she will forever be a part of it. 

Feeling At Home

   

To be honest, I hope this blog helps those close to me to understand my need to move to London.

I wish I could remember the first time I went to London a lot better but it was around the time that my mental health was deteriorating, as was the second trip. What I do know/remember from both occasions is that the first was for my 18th Birthday and the second, for my 21st. Going to London was a special occasion. It was a big deal. 

And so, as my recovery has progressed, perhaps the initial idea of moving to London was the notion of doing something special, big and perhaps even slightly out of reach? Almost as though I never believed it would become reality - just like my 100,000+ party! These days, I go to London most months and this month in particular, I've been for one night and two days and will be going again in a week's time for two nights and three days. London is no longer a big deal. And I think it's this, which has allowed me to develop the feeling that London could be my home. When I stepped off the train at Kings Cross, it felt like I was home. It felt so natural walking through the streets, using the underground, and finding my way around. When hearing that I'm visiting London, I have a number of people expressing anxiety at the underground system and distress at the thought of me finding my way around London by myself. But I enjoy it.
I think that feeling at home with where you are is essential for good mental health. It's comforting and reassuring; two feelings that are extremely important when you're in mental distress. The difficult thing about achieving such a feeling when you're mentally unwell, is that it often means you will
spend some time in a hospital.

I spent three years in and out of both medical and psychiatric hospitals with me having almost three admissions a week and variations of time in a psychiatric hospital that ranged anywhere from five
months, to 48 hours. In between hospitalisations I'd return to my Mum's where I'd sleep, maybe eat and pack a bag to run away and overdose again. What had been my home for 18 years quickly stopped being a place of comfort, reassurance and safety. I made it into something else. My bedroom held memories of a blood stained floor and hidden sharps, the bathroom held memories of purging, and the sitting room was remembered as the place where I was sectioned and carried out by six police. The fact my Mum lived there was the only comfort but as I distanced myself from her, the house was nothing more than a house.

I think, this is why being told that I was being admitted to a long-term hospital almost 200 miles away, wasn't such a heartache. I wasn't angry at being torn from my home. I wasn't anxious at the thought of being so far from my Mum. And I didn't worry that I'd get homesick. As spiteful as this may all sound, that was the affect my mental health had on my life. But then the hospital helped reverse some of these feelings as I began to appreciate my Mum more and grew closer to her so that saying goodbye after a home leave was upsetting. Going on leave to Mum's house, I did call it home leave but I think that was more to do with the fact that staff referred to it as this. I would feel awful if I was with my Mum and in talks of going back to hospital, I'd refer to it as going home. The staff would always tell us that it wasn't our home but keeping someone there for two years? Of course it'll become your home. I had my bedroom decorated the way I wanted and I had all of my things in it. The sitting room and kitchen and friend's bedrooms just became part of it. In order to distance myself from feeling 'at home' I would remind myself of all the differences e.g. asking for medication when struggling, only being allowed your laptop during certain hours, being made to attend 'therapeutic groups.' After basically 'living' in my bedroom and that hospital for 18 month, I was then moved to my own house. I say 'house' because it was temporary. A three month stop gap before the ultimate hospital discharge. It was strange suddenly having an entire house to look after and without having someone constantly within a meter of me (patient or staff). It was lonely, but at the end of the road, a future in my own home with a kitten lay so I pushed through.
When I got the call to say a home they thought was suitable for me was for rent, I was so excited, and having my first view of it, I went in with the assumption that I'd feel a natural pull toward it. That I'd just 'feel' like if we're meant to be home. That it was, as my funder used to say, my 'forever home.' I didn't. The house had been adapted for a person with physical disabilities and so the concrete slope to the front door and seat in the shower was more than a little off-putting. The walk-in wardrobe was more convincing, and then I asked my funder if 'this was the best I could hope for?' And she said yes so I confirmed that I wanted to apply for the home. Another property came up that I wasn't interested in because of it's location but luckily, I got a 'yes' on the one I visited.
As I was discharged once it was decorated and the furniture put in its place, I felt that I had a home. And getting my kitten; Dolly, made it even more homely. I love seeing her toys scattered around the house and I love returning to my home after a long day out, a trip away for events or a night at my Mum's. It's comforting and reassuring. I have 'a home' but... I don't think I'll ever feel 'at home' in the town I live... But I guess I'm halfway there.