TW | EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BEING UNDER THE CARE OF THE CRISIS TEAM | PART THREE OF THREE

*This is Part Three of Three, you can read Part One here, and Part Two is here!*

So, if you’re put on caseload, almost from the offset, the Team will want to try to work with you to create some sort of plan – this can refer to a regime around changes they may want to make to your medication, the number of visits they want to offer you, and even when they think they can foresee your discharge from them as being. This – the bit about discharge – can seem counterintuitive when you’ve just been put on caseload, and you can often and understandably get the feeling that they’re already trying to ‘get rid’ of you! But that’s not why they do this.

TW | “SHE’S ACTUALLY JUMPED! GET AMBULANCE ON LIGHTS & SIREN!” | WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE, DURING, & AFTER YOU JUMP, LESSONS LEARNT, & LOTS OF ADVICE

“…Like, it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do... So, you just keep quiet.”

Ned Vizzini

In the early hours of August 24^th, 2025, I jumped from a small bridge near my home which crosses a disused railway track. In this blog post, I’d like to share everything that happened before it, during it, and after it. This post is not intended as ‘attention-seeking’ but instead, to raise awareness of a lot of different issues which crop up throughout it and I want to do that (raise awareness) to help others. To help those who have also jumped, to feel less alone. To help professionals see good, helpful, and supportive work. To help provide the loved ones of those who have jumped with some sort of insight. The content also is definitely not intended as any sort of negative or unsafe influence. Nor do I want it to upset or trigger anyone – hence the ‘Trigger Warning’ in the title; if it does, please visit the blog’s Help Directory and reach out for professional support where relevant/necessary. With all of that said, thank you all for providing me with the platform to hopefully do some good with my content and to experience the personal, therapeutic benefits I receive in writing like this; I might have created I’m NOT Disordered, but it wouldn’t be where it is today without all of you – and for that, I am eternally grateful…

RE-EVALUATING MY ENTIRE LIFE

“Evaluate yourself and your calling worthily enough, and be proud of it.”

Sunday Adelaja

Even if you only really ‘know’ me through, I’m NOT Disordered or via my social media (@aimes_wilson on Instagram and Twitter), then you will likely be aware of the massive mental health relapse I’ve been going through for around a month. What you likely won’t know – because even those who actually ‘know’ me don’t all know! – is that this relapse is the result of a ‘psychotic episode’ that has mainly evolved around me having these two ‘delusional beliefs’ that have massively impacted my safety on far too many occasions and to far too great a degree of severity. In the last three weeks alone, I’ve had to attend my local A&E several times, have ended up in resuscitation, have been sedated, I’ve also even required surgery because my conviction of these beliefs has been so great, powerful, and overwhelming. These instances – and numerous other situations I’ve found myself in recently – have resulted in me engaging in some very difficult conversations with a variety of people, and it was one of these, that has led to this blog post…

THE SECRETS BEHIND THE POSTS, THE PROCESS OF CREATING THEM, THE STATISTICS, FAVOURITE CONTENT, ADVICE, & SO MUCH MORE!!! | AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK INSIDE I’M NOT DISORDERED IN THE MID-YEAR REVIEW

“It takes more courage to try and fail than not to try and never succeed.”

Nanette Avery

So, I was writing a blog post about my new job (Head of Marketing and Communications for a brand new Company!) and had to go through my archives to ensure I wasn’t repeating myself when I came across a Mid-Year Review from 2020 (you can still read it here) and one from 2022 (which you can also still read, here). And seeing them, has obviously inspired me to create another review from January 2023 – June 2023, but – as is the norm with my blogging ethos – I wanted to create one that was a bit different and (hopefully) better! So, I’ve decided to really delve into the nitty-gritty of the blog posts published during the last six months; to talk about the process of creating them, the statistics of them, advice and additional thoughts around them, and I’ll be including some favourite photos and reels from the last six months of content on my Instagram account (which you can follow here) and my Twitter (which you can follow here). I really hope that it provides insight into all the passion and dedication that truly goes into I’m NOT Disordered…

INCASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW… AND P.S. THERE’S A NEW PROJECT DATE!!

So, I’m aware that it’s almost one week since the last blog post and in the second prior to it, I promised to attempt to create new content at least once a week because I’m putting so much attention and time into a hugely special project. But, recently; that’s had to take a backseat too when – on Saturday 18^th – I was sectioned under the 1983 Mental Health Act and admitted to a psychiatric hospital… 

I’m actually still currently sectioned, but I’ve been on home leave since Wednesday with a view to discharge tomorrow! I’ve very obviously and predictably started writing a blog post about the entire fiasco of my mental health crisis and how the legal assessment came about; but I found myself getting upset with the reminders of how difficult this past week has been so that’s gone on the backburner until I’m a little bit less vulnerable and ‘delicate’ (as my Mum put it!). But, I still wanted those of you who are only following my journey on here and not social media, to know why there’ll be an extra silence on I’m NOT Disordered…

Finally! The hugely special super-secret project has a new release date of November 18^th, 2023 – let the countdown begin!!

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT A MENTAL HEALTH RELAPSE

From the start of my blogging career, I’ve been very passionate about being honest and open about mental health and my experiences. But when I had my first ‘relapse,’ I massively struggled to talk about it. I worried that through I’m NOT Disordered, I had become a bit of a ‘poster-child’ for mental health recovery. I mean, I receive messages from readers calling me an inspiration. So to have to say that I’d been so well, but just like that, it was all ‘ruined;’ made me worry that readers would panic and loose hope. Eventually, however, I realised that there’ll be so many people out there going through mental health relapses and being afraid to talk about it; and I don’t like that thought because it means a greater chance of them not getting help and support. So, I thought I’d lead by example…

About a month ago – maybe a bit longer – I began experiencing a few things which were sort of similar to the past, but at the same time very different… They were these thoughts – these very strange thoughts… With them sort of being along the lines of the hallucinations I hadn’t experienced since my medication increase over one year ago, I kept quiet for a week. 

Throughout my mental illness, I’ve come across a number of professionals who – even when they were in the same role and working for the same organisation – have disagreed with one another with regards to the hallucinations. I’ve had some say the voices and visual hallucinations of rabbits were stress-induced – that when I was busy or something upsetting had happened, it made those experiences worse. Then, other professionals (who were in the majority, to be fair) believed it was more genuine and something which I actually needed medication for. And because my medication increase last year led to the hallucinations disappearing completely, those professionals seemed victorious.

FIVE SONGS HELPING ME THROUGH MY MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

I won't live inside your world

'Cause your punches and your names
All your jokes and stupid games
They don't work
No, they don't hurt
Watch them just go right through me
Because they mean nothing to me

-          Grace Vanderwaal – Clay

The huge catalyst for this recent ‘blip’ in my mental health was the news about my abuser’s new job role. It brought back all the old feelings about him – the anger, frustration, sadness… it all came flooding back, overwhelming me and taking over all of the positive thoughts and feelings. To come through the blip, I’m trying to regain some control over all those negative feelings and bring them in check so that they’re manageable and aren’t influencing my thoughts to self-harm or cause me to feel suicidal. Instead, I’m trying to adopt the attitude that no matter what he says or does, I’ll just get on with my life. I have to.

“MENTAL HEALTH COMES IN EPISODES” “MINE FEELS LONGER THAN A MOVIE!”

S

So, I’ve talked a few times now (here and here) about the news I got that the person who abused me now has a higher role in his job, but unlike most things I’ve blogged about, I still haven’t seemed to have worked through it. I’m having the same view on it as I did with the actual abuse; I could talk about it until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t make it go away. It won’t make it un-happen! So, I’m left with ‘well how do I cope with it?’

Through my mental health recovery, I’ve gotten used to moving through things by talking or writing about it and using my Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills effortlessly. So effortless that I’ve not had to make a conscious decision to use them or a choice as to which I do use. They’re just there!

Understandably, this new thing has really thrown me off balance, because all of the healthy coping strategies are no longer so easy to come by. And I guess that’s why I sort of fell apart on Saturday (02.03.2019). I self-harmed and called the Crisis Team. They were brilliant, but then they said they’d have to send an ambulance I ran away, and they called the Police.

NINE LESSONS YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY

It’s my God-Daughter’s Fourth Birthday very soon and it had me thinking about the things I wish she could know now to save from her having to learn them the hard way – through experience…

(I decided to throw in some light-hearted lessons too because otherwise, it wasn't going to be a very fun post!)

1.       Your heart has to be broken to strengthen it

It’s no secret that I went through a very monumentus relationship break-up last year (2018) and I remember in the early days of it, I would have panic attacks whenever I thought about what had happened. Finally, though, I can see that the heart does repair and even though you might still be able to see the cracks, the rest of it will be stronger than before.

2.      It’s impossible to not receive ‘junk’ emails

I’m one of those people who religiously goes through her junk e’mail inbox every time I check my e’mails because I can’t stand it saying that I have sixty-odd unread messages! I think the only way you could ever avoid spam would be by not being online at all!

3.      Asking for help doesn’t make you weak

To learn this lesson you’ll have your determination and independence tested. I was someone who wouldn’t ask for help; no matter how dire the situation! Sometimes that meant insignificant situations like being lost and refusing to Google Map directions; and sometimes it meant not wanting to ring the Crisis Team when I was hallucinating. Through my mental health, I’ve learnt that needing to ask for help isn’t something to be ashamed of; in fact, it takes a lot of strength to do so.

THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT TAKING ON TOO MUCH | FUTURE LEARN | AD

Recently, during my relapse, I’ve found that a lot of professionals and those who care about me (mainly my Mum) have talked to me about how much I take on in life.

They have helped me to realize that before the relapse, I was doing a lot of different things at once; from courses with Future Learn, to the problems of others, to projects with different organizations.

EDUCATION

There’re so many courses on Future Learn that I’d like to do at the moment, but I’ve learnt to do one at a time and to add the rest to my ‘Wishlist’ on the site. Now, I’m doing ‘Beyond Diagnosis:Is Psychiatric Diagnosis Helpful?’ which is a module facilitated by the University of Liverpool so it’s degree level learning. Considering the highest level, I’ve ever done was my A Levels in 2009…

THREE REASONS THAT MAKE ME REGRET SELF-HARMING

In my relapse these past few months, there’s been a lot of self-harm – whether that be through cutting or overdosing – and after my most recent overdose I came to the realization that I often regret self-harming but I rarely regret not doing it. If that makes sense.

My self-harm almost always comes as a result of the voices I hear telling me to do it but occasionally it’s from memories and thoughts about the trauma I went through when I was younger. If I manage to use my DBT skills, call the Crisis Team, or take Diazepam (and it work) then I never wake up the next day thinking ‘God I wish I’d cut last night!’ Admittedly, though, if I wake up the next day and the voices and memories are still there then I often think ‘let’s just do it!’

But then I do – I cut, or I take an overdose and I go through all of the consequences that brings and there are sometimes when those consequences seem worse than if I’d just tolerated the voices a little longer or called the Crisis Team one more time.

My hope is that this post will inspire others to come up with their own list of things that make them regret self-harming to help motivate them to stay safe and to use their own coping skills more.

WHY I DON'T TAKE MY OWN ADVICE

“If there was someone else in this position, what would you say to them?”

This is something I’ve been asked so often by all manner of different professionals (mainly the Police though) in my recent mental health relapse. And so, this has been my motivation in writing this blog post.

Because usually my answer would be “I’d advise them to contact the Crisis Team” or “I’d tell them it’s important to take your medication unless otherwise instructed by a Doctor” and even “I’d say that they should co-operate with staff.”

And yet, in all the situations where this advice has been relevant; I have done the exact opposite. I’ve been reluctant to call the Crisis Team. I’ve stopped my medication without medical approval. And I’ve been uncooperative with staff.

FIVE LESSONS MY MENTAL HEALTH RELAPSE HAS TAUGHT ME

1.     To ‘self-soothe’ more

      Self-soothe is probably one of my favourite – and most used – Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skill. For so many years I was hard on myself and blamed myself for everything that went wrong in my life. Even the abuse. I thought that I was a bad person and had deserved all of these bad things in my life; the abuse, the bullying, the self-harm, the hallucinations… everything! For a while, I believed that I didn’t even deserve to be alive. So – perhaps – understandably, self-soothing was a particularly difficult skill for me to put into practice and even harder to eventually master. But being nice to myself felt so good that I fought the voices in my head that were trying to convince me that I should be hurting myself and not helping myself. I told them that I’d punished myself enough and that after all these years of self-harming and attempting suicide, I deserved to enjoy simple things. And that’s what my self-soothe techniques are; simple things. Like, lighting a candle, having a shower, doing my makeup or my hair, playing with my pets, spending time on The Sims, writing, reading, watching America’s Got Talent on Netflix… little things like that can sometimes make all the difference when I’m struggling with voices telling me that I’m useless and worthless and deserve to die.

2.     The importance of medication

The catalyst for this relapse has been that I stopped taking the medication I’m on for my mental health (Mirtazapine, Lamotrigine,

TW: RAMBLINGS OF AN INPATIENT | AN UNFOCUSED POST

I’ve just gotten to the ward from A&E and separating myself from the voices is hard.

That’s probably an understatement – it is near impossible.

But I can do it. When they aren’t horrendously loud and I’m not massively tired; I can do it.

Being in Cygnet Hospital (Bierley) for two and a half years taught me a lot; and one lesson I did learn was to always try my hardest to fight these auditory hallucinations. Cygnet gave me new, safe, and healthy coping skills and I use all of them. Sometimes they’re enough. Sometimes they are not. But I try. The point is, I try. I don’t – though it might seem this way – go straight to the paracetamol and self-harm.

In a – perhaps twisted – way, this is a bad thing because it makes me feel enormously hopeless when all my new coping skills don’t work. And I feel like maybe it’s time to rely on other people to keep me safe and to help me to quieten the voices. I can only do so much myself and if others can’t give me that support, then I worry – and genuinely believe – I will die.