“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t”
Turtles All
The Way Down by John Green
This year,
the theme for World Suicide Prevention Day is ‘Creating Hope Through Action’ so
I thought I’d create this piece concentrating on the largest things I’ve done – the
actions I’ve taken – to stay alive and to cope with suicidal thoughts and
feelings in a healthy and safe way. I really hope that someone can read this
and gain some sort of inspiration and ideas of actions they too can take to
stay alive…
For those who are new here or have
missed my previous posts on it, in December 2019, I tore my EPL tendon in my
thumb while opening a bottle of Prosecco on Boxing Day(!) and had to have emergency
surgery. I then accidentally tore the repair and have been set to have a
tendon transfer surgery (where they take some of the tendon from my index
finger and use it in my thumb) ever since -you can read about how I’m coping with the prospect of more surgery here.
My second
surgery hasn’t just been postponed because of the lockdown though, my Surgeon
is of the mindset that they need to get my thumb into as good a condition as
possible before operating on it. So, until the surgery, I’ve had to learn how
to cope with the pain and until the night of the 7th (of May), I was
managing with painkillers and my physiotherapy exercises. On the Thursday
night, though, I got the most incredibly overwhelming pain in my thumb and out
of pure desperation, I decided that I literally wanted to just cut it off!
Looking back, of course that seems like a… ridiculously stupid idea but at the
time, I was just so sick of the pain that I was willing to do whatever it took
to make it stop. I’ve been in physical pain before and have never
self-harmed because of it, so I just hope that this illustrates just how bad
that initial pain was. On the other hand, I’ve self-harmed a lot as a result of
psychological and emotional pain so maybe I shouldn’t be all that surprised
that I had turned to it as a coping mechanism for this physical pain.
I
don’t think it’s an inside joke anymore that the Crisis Team and other mental
health professionals all too often say “try taking a nice, relaxing bath” when
a Service User makes contact with them to get help and advice while struggling
with their mental health. I think it’s kind of common knowledge now. I really
hope though, that people don’t see this as professionals being ‘useless’ but
more about them either not knowing what to say, or their advice just not being
all that helpful to the person. Does that render them useless? Not
entirely!
I was
admitted to a psychiatric hospital the first time I took an overdose and so I saw
a lot of very poorly people; and being 18 at the time, they were much older
than me and it made me wonder if that was going to be my life. Was I going to still
be in there at their age? My desperation to avoid this happening meant that I took
all of their advice and tried everything they suggested – baths, medication, watching
TV, calling Samaritans, writing, reading, doing arts and crafts… After a while,
though, the hallucinations got louder and clearer and the memories of the abuse
got more vivid and overwhelming. Things were getting worse and I felt
that I was at a point where I was beyond help. I’d lost hope.
I was honoured to be asked to film with NTW for their film about 'hope.'
Both
versions of the films can be viewed at www.ntw.nhs.uk/hope
It is generally accepted that hope plays a crucial part in
recovery from mental illness. The film came from Peer Support Workers looking
at how we connect with people at a time when we feel that we have lost hope.
Something Peer Support workers do on a day to day basis. We wanted to explore
how we help people see that others have been through similar experiences and
felt hopeless, however have found a way back. It is hoped, this film will be a
powerful tool to anyone in finding hope, whether that be as a person
experiencing mental ill health themselves, or a person’s friend or family
member.
'Cause your punches
and your names All your jokes and
stupid games They don't work No, they don't hurt Watch them just go
right through me Because they mean
nothing to me
-Grace
Vanderwaal – Clay
The huge
catalyst for this recent ‘blip’ in my mental health was the news about my
abuser’s new job role. It brought back all the old feelings about him – the
anger, frustration, sadness… it all came flooding back, overwhelming me and
taking over all of the positive thoughts and feelings. To come through the
blip, I’m trying to regain some control over all those negative feelings and
bring them in check so that they’re manageable and aren’t influencing my
thoughts to self-harm or cause me to feel suicidal. Instead, I’m trying to
adopt the attitude that no matter what he says or does, I’ll just get on with
my life. I have to.
Your life is worth a lot more than you think because you are capable
of accomplishing more than you know
-Roy T. Bennett
I got the inspiration for this post from a book that recommended
writing a letter to yourself ten years earlier and when I realized how old I
would have been ten years ago (18) I thought it might actually be quite
interesting (you’ll see why) – or at least to me it would be(!).
Dear 18-year-old Aimee,
I don’t mean to scare you but I’m just going to come right out and
say it; this summer, things are going to get really tough. I know you think you’ve
survived the abuse but that was only the physical part of it. Here comes the
emotional battle for survival!
Aimee, you’re going to overdose in just four months’ time and doing
so is going to be the center of your life for a while… Sometimes it’s going to
get really scary and, in all honesty, a number of times your life is going to be
in the hands of some professionals who won’t always understand you. You’ll meet
some staff that think your self-harm and suicide attempts are attention seeking
and sometimes you might even question whether this is the case, but it isn’t.
“We are billions of
beautiful hearts, and you sold us down the river too far, what about us? What
about all the times you said you had the answers?”
-P!NK – What About Us
Once upon a time, I was one of you…
I remember the very first time I overdosed and all of the
professionals (Doctors, Nurses, Psychiatrists, Social Workers etc) were so concerned
because from the outside, it came from nowhere. No one knew about the abuse. No
one knew about the voices. No one knew why I would overdose. No one knew why I
would want to be dead. So understandably, everyone panicked, and I was
immediately sectioned before I’d even gone through the A&E process! The initial
concern and panic lasted for about two more admissions/overdoses before they replaced
it with the ‘she’s-such-a-time-waster-and-attention-seeker’ attitude!
For obvious (I think)
reasons, there have been times in my relapse where I’ve felt reluctant to go on
with life and have become determined to end it. And yes, sometimes; I’ve tried
to. More recently (like literally the last four days) I’ve begun to see some
changes in my mental health from the medication getting back in my system and
one of these has been finding – and then clinging onto – all the reasons why I
shouldn’t die. All the reasons I deserve life. Deserve my recovery.
And now that I’ve learnt
these three important reasons, I thought it was time to share them with all my
lovely readers in the hope that it inspires others to find their own reasons.
Their own rationale to fight back against all of those feelings of depression
and all of those suicidal thoughts…
I
remember my first visit to London when I was eighteen and my Mum took me down
there for my Birthday. We had one of those theatre weekends booked where you
get train fayre, a hotel room, and a night at a show of your choice in one
packaged price. We chose The Lion King because it’s one of my favourite Disney
movies and makes me cry every single time I watch it – no matter how old I get!
Since then I’ve visited London on a number of occasions and for a number of
different reasons; we visited again to see Legally Blonde on my 21st
Birthday, attended a party at Buckingham Palace to celebrate Blind Veterans 100th
Birthday, and I’ve attended numerous conferences, meetings, and events there.
At one point, I was in London so often that I seriously considered moving down
there. And then one of the terrorist attacks happened. And I was round the
corner. It was when the man was found near Westminster with a bag full of
knives. I remember leaving the event in the taxi and people were running,
screaming towards us whilst Police riot vans raced in the opposite direction.
After a little while, I couldn’t let it stop me from visiting the city that I’d
grown to love so much.
Isn’t
it strange that hearing two voices can make you feel so alone? You’d think it’d
be the opposite – that they’d be good company. Or at least, company!
Instead,
it makes you feel like you’re the only person in the entire world I guess that,
in a way, you are.
Because
it’s the entire point of auditory hallucinations; you’re the only person who
could hear what you do. Except when you’re listening to this voice – or these
voices – telling you all of the worst things that you think about yourself, and
more(!) it’s hard to keep that perspective.
I
mean, how could you possibly keep in mind that you may be the only person what
you are but you aren’t the only person in the world; with 1 in 4 people
experiencing mental health problems at least once in their life.
It’s
hard though, being the only person to hear Annie and Albert makes me questions ‘why
me?’ ‘Why am I the only person to hear them?’ ‘Why did they choose me?’
[Note to see who won each category; follow #NSUA2018 on Twitter!]
I remember when
I was in Cygnet Hospital Bierley and they first mentioned the National ServiceUser Awards (NSUAs) and I couldn’t have been more interested! It was only the second time that Cygnet Healthcare had hosted the NSUAs and so there wasn’t
much experience or knowledge when it came to the invitations I was involved –
and by that I mean that I hand-made every single one!
So, this year,
when I got told that I could have a spot doing the social
media for the 2018 NSUAs I was over the moon and very excited! After many talks
I was finally named the Event Blogger and then the Head of Social Media took
poorly on the actual day of the Awards, I stepped up and attempted to fill his
shoes with a barrage of tweets (each with the #NSUA2018 hashtag!).
I am not a stranger
to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let
them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest
words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of
bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are…
Another round of
bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them
break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
- This Is Me - Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman
So
recently, I went to the cinema with one of my bestfriend’s (and bridesmaid),
Lauren; to see The Greatest Showman. I don’t want to include any spoilers, so
I’ll just say… it was incredible!
But
also… in it, Hugh Jackman plays a man who, massively, invests (not just
financially) in his ideas. When others tell him he’s wrong, or try to take
something away from his successes, he stands up to them and refuses to minimise
or ignore his dreams and imagination.
I’m sure this it quite common for writers/bloggers; but I can draw
inspiration for blog posts from the random of things. This post comes from a
‘challenge’ doing its rounds on Facebook. Every day for seven days, you’re
meant to post a black and white photo. It can’t be of a person and you can’t
explain it in the photo description/wall post. You also have to nominate
someone on day one (you’ll have been nominated yourself from someone else,
obviously!) to keep the challenge rolling.
Obviously, you’ve seen the title to this post I’m sure there’s no
need to point it out, but the ‘black and white’ aspect of the challenge
inspired me to write about black and white thinking.
After studying Textiles as a GCSE student, I’ve had a passion for
fashion; and as I grew older I became addicted to reading Vogue and Elle for
style inspiration and the amazing photography of runway shows that I knew I’d
never get to see in real life. Then, in my twenties, I moved onto makeup and
beauty products (still with a jam-packed wardrobe!) and developed a keen eye
for designer bargains (because there’s no money on the trees in my garden) in T
K Maxx – particularly Valentino bags!
As I moved into blogging and the online mental health world in
2009, it became clear that most blogs were about fashion and beauty. It was a
good thing at the time because it provided a gap in the market for I’m NOT
Disordered to fill and at the time there were only four popular mental health
blogs (and none of them were written by a current inpatient).
Like I said, the fashion and beauty bloggers took over the
internet and seemed to be the ones who collaborated and were approached by
organisations who wanted to use the blog as an advertising opportunity with the
belief that when readers saw the blogger wearing a particular shoe, or talking
about a new mascara; their followers would want to buy the same thing.
♭ By the time I'm finished, they won't even know your name ♭
There
are 28 posts in my 'Drafts.'
Looking
through them is basically like you've glanced into my head every so often.
One
of them was named TTIWICSBC - The Things I Wish I Could Say But Can't. It was
going to be a little series of posts aimed at different people in my life - or
who have been, in my life. People I'm unable to - for many
different, complicated, confusing reasons - talk to. Things that I'm unable to
say out loud and so the words float buzz around my head. [I changed
my mind with 'float' because that implies that all is calm; and it isn't. Not
all the time. Not where this is concerned.]
The
post remains empty - but for the title and idea behind it...
I'm honoured to say that Manchester Mental Health NHS Foundation Trust have asked to use I'm NOT Disordered's popularity to help publicise their brand new information in response to the terrorist attack at Manchester Arena on Monday 22nd May 2017
To read more visit: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-40008389
You're forever there for others; with an unlimited amount of support, kindness, reassurance, care, generosity, and gratitude. You make others feel better. You're the type of person (and there's not many of them) who can make others feel positive, and hopeful just from one sentence.
When I'm with you at events and conferences, I feel like I'm in the presence of a superstar!
And I'm sure you get told these sorts of things about how fantastic you are all the time so I thought that if it was in writing, for 222,000+ people to see... 1. even more people know! And 2. you can read this whenever you have a rough moment or need a pep talk!
Raf, the man that gives me more work to do every time I see him; yet I always enjoy it as we share a passion for our work. Every time I see him, he reminds me that anything is possible with hard work and dedication. It's an absolute pleasure and a privilege to get to share in his adventures.
Raf's a very strong voi ce for the service user group and goes above and beyond, no matter the time or day, to put others first. His leadership and sense of humour are inspiring and infectious; and he gets others to challenge their own thinking.
A top man.
On meeting Raf two things immediately become obvious. Firstly, his absolute passion for his tireless work as an Expert by Experience. Secondly, his ability to make a connection with people from all backgrounds and immediately put them at ease. A rare skill.
Raf has enthusiasm, passion, drive, and the commitment to improve mental health services for as many people as possible. His actions are selfless, and I recollect the first meeting I had with Raf (you were there too, Aimee) at Cygnet Bury in December (2016); Raf turned up with a car laden with chocolates and gifts for every SU on all of the 14 wards! He wanted to ensure that nobody was left out at Christmas. It took us two hours to get around all 14 wards, but boy was it worth it!
Raf is a true inspiration and role model who inspires hope in others.
I met Raf for the first time just over a month ago; his passion is never ending, honest, and truthful. He has an amazing sense of humour. He's such a lovely, sensitive, and compassionate guy.
True authentic co-production.
Note: This post discusses aspects of sexual abuse and rape; some parts may be triggering or upsetting.
Some photography credits to RJ Photography - with all editing done by me via Moldiv
The reason I wrote this post is to illustrate that you can overcome the fear and tell someone - anyone, about what has happened to you. And even if you're battling against the fear that no one will believe you or that nothing will be done - that the person will get away with it; then know that even if that happens you can and will still get through it.
As is typical in a lot of sexual abuse stories, one of my main reasons to go for three years before disclosing it to anyone; was the fear - conviction, almost - that I wouldn't be believed.
In the late part of 2009 I was in a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU), and after having just come out of the seclusion room that I had been restrained and sedated in, I was sat in a room with a nurse; about to tell her my deepest, darkest secret. Immediately after returning to the female part of the PICU I had sat with a woman - an amazing, special, and kind woman who I'm forever thankful I had the chance to meet; in the walled outdoor area and she was asking if I was ok and what'd happened because she was in the next room to mine and had heard the emergency assistance alarms and other commotion.
She told me some of her own trauma story, (which hadn't been disclosed until that moment) and how she thought that if she'd reported it things mightn't have got so bad; and she might not be in the position she is, feeling that it was too late now. Telling people now wouldn't make a difference. "Nothing, could make a difference," she said. And then she told me a, LOT of her mental health story. The things she'd done. The things Services had done. The things Services hadn't done. The Hospitals she'd been in. The treatments she'd had, and the amount of years this has all been going on for.
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