JOIN A RAPE & ABUSE SURVIVOR AT A HUGE GYNAE APPOINTMENT | VLOG & A COLLABORATION WITH AMAZON UK INCLUDED!

 

I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned

When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames, and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself

Ke$ha – Praying

On May 2^nd, I had to attend an appointment with Gynaecology to discuss having my smear under a general anaesthetic. I decided to film the day for two reasons: the first, was to provide empathy and advice to other survivors and those in a similar situation. The second reason was to give insight to those who judge people for not having this procedure. My general message from this? Don’t judge a person’s journey, when you haven’t walked in their shoes. In case there are people out there who are interested in this experience and don’t want to or can’t watch videos, I thought I would write a quick blog post about it too and managed to get a collaboration with Amazon UK for it! At the end, however, I’ve still also inserted the entire vlog from YouTube…

PICKING APART FOUR ABUSE POSTS | MARKING SEVENTEEN YEARS SINCE THE ABUSE ‘ENDED’

“It is through that brokenness that we find courage and strength. It is what empowers us to do great things.”

K. S. Ruff

In deciding to once again mark the anniversary of the ‘end’ of the abuse I experienced (April 20^th but I thought I’d put this post up now), I knew I’d set myself a challenge because with I’m NOT Disordered now being over eleven years old(!), there has been ample amount of time to have created and published numerous posts about the abuse. Which, for thinking about this post, had me asking myself: ‘will there even be any angles left that I haven’t written from?!’ And, when I searched ‘abuse’ in my post archive, I wasn’t at all surprised – and felt completely validated – to see an enormous list of blog posts of various points of view, using different approaches, and with numerous inspirations! As I scanned through them and found myself developing thoughts, feelings, and opinions on each, I finally thought of the idea for this post… I’m going to start with a few tips on how to cope with reading about abuse (for obvious reasons!), and then I’ve chosen the four abuse posts I remember most, and I’ve picked them apart – talked through my favourite bits, parts I’d like to change, any differences between their publication date and today, and things I’ve learnt from the posts…

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO INTERACTING WITH ABUSE SURVIVORS | (THE FINAL) PART THREE

You can read the first part of this series: 

http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2023/04/the-ultimate-guide-to-interacting-with.html

You can read the second part of this series:

http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2023/05/the-ultimate-guide-to-interacting-with.html

I’m proud of who I am,

No more monsters, I can breathe again,

And you said that I was done

Well, you were wrong and now, the best is yet to come

Kesha – Praying

Almost every time I’ve told someone I was abused there has been a comment along the lines of “I’m so sorry…” and in all honesty, no matter who the person or what the situation, it’s never really something I want to hear. I don’t tell people about it because I want them to feel sorry for me. I totally recognise that this comment or attitude is typically meant with the best intentions and is usually absolutely genuine; it can just still feel a bit condescending and patronising… I think it’s kind of similar to one of those things where sometimes the context of it doesn’t matter; it’s like you just almost automatically react/respond.

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO INTERACTING WITH ABUSE SURVIVORS | PART TWO

You can read the first part of this series: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2023/04/the-ultimate-guide-to-interacting-with.html

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell,

I had to learn how to fight for myself,

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I’ll just say this is ‘I wish you farewell’

Kesha – Praying

EVERYTHING I WANT MY ABUSER TO KNOW

This post has been a long time coming… I’ve written so many posts about abuse and how I feel toward my abuser but according to my research I’ve never actually written something aimed at him… I guess the obvious reason for this would be that I’ve been too scared with how hard it would be, and also the fear that it would bring forward a lot of memories that I might not be able to cope with. 


So why is now the right time to write it? I think that even though I’ve been unsafe recently, now that I know my medication is being increased, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and the hope that the increase will work, gives me the strength to write this post… 


I found out a long time ago that my abuser was reading my blog so there’s every chance that he’ll see this post and my words will actually reach the person they are intended for. On the chance that they don’t though, I hope that these words help other survivors of sexual abuse to see that the things they might be thinking of and the things they might want to say to their abuser, are echoed by other survivors. That having experienced something that can leave you feeling so completely lonely, we can be united in our achievement of having survived!

THE POWER OF ‘NO’ AFTER RAPE

Trigger Warning: This post will contain discussion of rape and sexual abuse, if these topics are upsetting then please don’t read this post. If the topics become upsetting, then please seek professional support and advice!

You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life-time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong

Emeli Sande – Read All About It

This piece was inspired by a little something one of my inspirations; Victoria from the blog and YouTube channel; InTheFrow. You can read her piece about the importance of saying ‘no’ to things like favors for people, event invitations, and other tasks and opportunities, here. The piece left me thinking about just how powerful saying ‘no’ can be to someone who has experienced the ultimate act of betrayal. The one act where ‘no’ is so essential that without it, the act becomes a crime…

In 2018 the Director of Public Prosecutions; Alison Saunders, made the heinous comment that unless you have clearly said ‘no’ to sex, it is not rape. You know when you’ve had this thought in your head and literally everyone has told you that it isn’t true and not to worry about it? Then someone confirms that thought and agrees with it? And it completely throws you because now you question the reliability of all the people who reassured you of the opposite?! One of the many reasons why I didn’t report the six-month-long abuse and one instance of rape any sooner was because I couldn’t remember ever saying ‘no’ or ever fighting back or screaming for help. I worried – no, I obsessed over – this fact and that if I were to tell someone, their response would be that I should’ve done one of those things in order for it all to have been illegal. I think that the utter shock that something that was rarely talked about at that time (2006)

CAN TUNNEL VISION EVER BE A GOOD THING?

“Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions, and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, are you ready to see that vision?”

Huey Freeman

I’ve recently had a friend start struggling with their mental health and I’ve witnessed them go into tunnel vision where they were so set and so focused on one thing it was as though nothing I could say would even be heard, never mind have an impact! It was strange for me to actually see it because my Mum has always described me as having tunnel vision when I’m mentally unwell and struggling with thoughts to self-harm or with suicidal feelings. 


But self-harm and suicide aren’t the only aspect of mental health where tunnel vision is used; and they weren’t the first area I used mine in. The first time I can think of that I used tunnel vision was with the abuse I went through when I was fifteen, and I thought that no one would believe me if I were to report it to someone. My own conviction and the fact that it was consistently supported by my abuser and his comments on how everyone already thought me to be a liar and how no one would believe him capable of doing such a thing, cemented this belief. It turned any evidence to the contrary invisible and no matter how many opportunities I had to tell my lovely, caring, mum what was happening to me; I just couldn’t see beyond the conviction that she’d not only not believe me but she’d disown me for lying too! I was so truly lost in this lonely, isolating thought that had left me feeling so completely disregarded and forgotten about – the exact opposite of what was actually going on at the time(!) – that I almost wondered if I were the only person in the world.