A CHAT ABOUT LOVING YOURSELF, HAVING RELATIONSHIPS AFTER ABUSE, & A GIFT GUIDE | MENTAL HEALTH & VALENTINES DAY

Kind of feel like I’m jumping on a blogging bandwagon because everyone’s started publishing their Valentines content (typically in the form of gift guides). I wanted this post to be a nice balance in recognising that I’m NOT Disordered is primarily a ‘mental health blog,’ whilst also still being able to create a gift guide… So, here’s a chat about the impact mental health can have on Valentines Day and a gift guide with a twist…

Growing up, I was surrounded by love, support, and respect. I was always told how much I meant to my family and how important and appreciated I was. So, I literally had no reason or influence on me holding such opposite thoughts about myself… until the abuse.

When I was fifteen and the abuse began, it was like… Like almost everything I’d ever known had disappeared and what was left had just completely changed to the point where it wasn’t at all recognisable or in any way familiar. All of a sudden, I felt so insignificant; but I guess that was almost bound to be my response when I was being treat so horribly. I mean, it’d take a pretty robust person to go through that sort of abuse and still remain kind and loving to yourself!

I think that the most influential part of the abuse on my thoughts of myself, was the things that my abuser would say whilst he hurt me. I mean, it didn’t start off with a terrible… I don’t know. Just that in the beginning he would say that he actually really liked me and that I was pretty, and whilst what happened was still so completely against my wishes; it kind of meant that I felt I couldn’t report it immediately because his words made me question the degree of wrong-ness of the entire thing! Like, how could I tell the Police, knowing that when they questioned him, he would likely say he cared about me? How could I expect them to see it as a crime when he would say he had ‘innocent’ intentions/motivations?

PART THREE OF THREE | EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ABUSE

Having thoroughly enjoyed writing the ‘everything-you-need-to-know’ style posts in the past, when I checked through previous posts about abuse, I noticed they all seem to be in pieces… Bits of information, parts of my experience, a few tips; all just separated into so many different posts. Of course, they are that way because up to the date they were published, they were the things I knew. The things that had happened. And I’m not suggesting that I’m at a point where I now know absolutely everything about the subject, but I do feel that I’m at a pretty good stage in my mental health recovery to feel I am now able to collate all that I have learnt, and all that I know. Unfortunately, abuse is a subject where I’d argue you will never fully understand unless it’s something you’ve experienced, so posts like this – media content by survivors – can be the best resource for those who want to learn more…

PART ONE: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2021/02/everything-you-need-to-know-about-abuse.html

PART TWO: www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2021/02/part-two-of-three-everything-you-need.html

 

What Are Triggers?

A trigger is defined as being a ‘cause to function’ but in mental health, I fully believe it can have a completely different definition to each individual. I was once in Accident and Emergency (A&E) and I told a Doctor he was triggering me, and I remember him saying ‘what does that mean?’ I couldn’t understand how he didn’t know and then he corrected himself with: ‘what does that mean to you?’

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK 2020 POST THREE | SPENDING TIME WITH OTHERS

“If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you”

Winnie The Pooh

The abuse started whilst I was in High School and when I began acting out at School because of the pent-up frustration of keeping it a secret, I quickly lost my friends. To them, I was either being a drama queen (a phrase I hate!) or a rebel. Either way, they found my attitude and behaviour annoying and I began getting bullied by the people I had once called my friends. Unlike a lot of people, I spoke up about the bullying straight away and unlike a lot of occasions, the telling off they had from a Teacher actually got through to them and the bullying stopped. 


When it did, I felt so alone and was desperate to build new friendships, but I was also very cautious too. I had the thought process that I didn’t want anyone getting too close to me because it would make it harder for me to hide the abuse from them and it felt as though – for so many reasons – telling someone wasn’t an option. I was also worried because the person who abused had built a relationship with me first and I’d trusted and respected him (the Police labelled this grooming), so I was nervous that building that sort of friendship would make me vulnerable for them to hurt or upset me. 

WHY IT’S ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE FAMILY

So, the other night I went to the Birthday party (with live music from We Steal Flyers) of my best-friend (Lauren)’s Mum (Julie) and a lot about the night inspired this blog post.

The Dewars
Since our regular nights out in 2011, Lauren and I have always said her family (namely her Mum, Dad, and Brother) are like a second family because I was constantly at their house and they treat me like a second Daughter! We were all always in Lauren’s room or the Kitchen, drinking vodka and laughing at YouTube fail videos and then there were the very few nights in when we’d watch Mock The Week, drink wine, and play with the dogs!

WHEN DO YOU NEED TO ‘GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER’?

The other day, at my Digital Marketing internship with Docere and SS Healthfoods, I was talking to one of the Marketing Executives about my long-term goals and all things Universities and careers. It made me think about how long it has taken for me to finally have those dreams/goals, and then I started to consider why I felt there should have been an age for me to have all these things decided. 


I don’t remember even thinking about a ‘dream job’ when I was younger until Middle School when a teacher told my Mum that she thought I’d end up being a Journalist (do you think ‘Blogger’ is close?) but I never really held onto that so much. When I came to the point of choosing my GCSE subjects, I didn’t really have a career in mind then either; I just chose the ones I was interested in – History, Media Studies, and Textiles. Then, when I was excluded from High School, I met a Lawyer specializing in Education and that became my goal – to be like her. I wanted to help children avoid experiencing everything that I had, when I was at School. 


So, at A Level, I took Law, Philosophy, and History, and with the abuse having ‘finished’ months before Sixth Form started, I threw myself into my schoolwork in a desperate bid to block out the memories of it. I also started working at my local Primark store in Newcastle city center but in the end, my mental health deteriorated to the point where there was no blocking anything out and I missed all of my final exams and quit my job because I attempted suicide. Even though I had an offer to study Law at Newcastle University, being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, I instantly didn’t want to work in anything to do with the law and after two weeks in a psychiatric hospital I decided to pursue my other interest; fashion and enrolled on a Summer course. Before I had a chance to attend the induction session, I was sectioned again. After my second longest admission in October 2009 to February 2010, I became interested in the notion of helping others and attempted to enroll on a childcare course but when my DBS came back with notes of my interactions with Police (occasions when I’d been sectioned or had ran away from Hospital), I was denied access to the course. In the end, I developed the belief that if I couldn’t look after myself then I shouldn’t attempt to look after anyone else.

MY TOP TIPS FOR TWENTY SCENARIOS IN MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY

I learnt the hard way that mental health recovery isn’t linear. It isn’t about suddenly not self-harming, not wanting to die any more… I hope that my blog has shown this so that it doesn’t give people a misunderstanding in the way that I had. So as well as making this point, I wanted my blog to also support others as they learn this too…

1.    Feeling like you’ll never stop crying?

It has to. It has to stop eventually. But crying doesn’t have to be a bad thing – it doesn’t make you weak. You can view crying as a relief. It can almost be cathartic and therapeutic to allow the pent-up emotions, thoughts, and feelings leave your body in a – physically – painless way.

2.    Desperate for a distraction?

Be creative about this. A distraction doesn’t have to be the usual ones that mental health professionals ferociously advertise and recommend; like watching TV or reading a book. It can be cooking your favourite meal or going for a walk, completing a wordsearch, playing an online game, or de-cluttering your shelves.

3.    Angry?

Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. It’s all about how you manage it. Does it mean you’re unsafe? Does it mean you push people away? Or can it just be a natural response to a particular situation? Can it be an anger that anyone would feel? Can you cope with it in a healthy, and safe way? There’s the age-old advice of screaming into or hitting a pillow but there’s so many more productive things you can do too! Like throwing yourself into your work, education, or hobby. Letting go of anger can be one of the most powerful actions.

TWELVE THOUGHTS FOR TWELVE YEARS SINCE THE ABUSE ‘ENDED’

When I say ‘ended’, I mean that the physical side of the abuse finished because it’s so important to recognize that there never really is an end to abuse. I don’t say this in a hopeless way; but more as an acknowledgement that the memories, the thoughts, the feelings; they don’t just ‘end.’ 
Note: why am I not posting this on the actual anniversary? Because I'll be too busy having fun with my best-friend! 

1.        I’ll never forget the day I really first reported it

This is something that you may think I’ve spoken about but actually, I’ve only ever talked about my reporting the abuse to professionals and the Police. The reason I haven’t been able to talk about the first reporting is that it’s been hard to find a way to see it in a way that doesn’t reveal who my abuser was because - for legal reasons - I can’t do that. So basically, the first time I ever told someone what was happening to me happened after a huge argument with my abuser and something in me snapped and I thought ‘this is never going to end if I don’t do something about it.’ So, I told my abuser’s ‘boss.’ I was called a manipulative liar and it, obviously, left me completely convinced that I could never tell another person. 

2.       I can still feel unconditional love

I always thought, going through what I had, and dealing with it by dissociating, meant that I’d always stay cut off from the world. I – and others – put a lot of trust in my abuser and I actually relied on him at some point before it began so I worried that I’d never trust in another person again. That I’d never feel another feeling towards someone because I’d be forever scared that someone would destroy me the way that he had. It did take a long time to get to where I am today in terms of relationships but going into recovery helped me to appreciate all of the people who had been there for me through the hard days and in stabilizing my mental health, I’ve learnt how to build stable and healthy relationships.

NINE LESSONS YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY

It’s my God-Daughter’s Fourth Birthday very soon and it had me thinking about the things I wish she could know now to save from her having to learn them the hard way – through experience…

(I decided to throw in some light-hearted lessons too because otherwise, it wasn't going to be a very fun post!)

1.       Your heart has to be broken to strengthen it

It’s no secret that I went through a very monumentus relationship break-up last year (2018) and I remember in the early days of it, I would have panic attacks whenever I thought about what had happened. Finally, though, I can see that the heart does repair and even though you might still be able to see the cracks, the rest of it will be stronger than before.

2.      It’s impossible to not receive ‘junk’ emails

I’m one of those people who religiously goes through her junk e’mail inbox every time I check my e’mails because I can’t stand it saying that I have sixty-odd unread messages! I think the only way you could ever avoid spam would be by not being online at all!

3.      Asking for help doesn’t make you weak

To learn this lesson you’ll have your determination and independence tested. I was someone who wouldn’t ask for help; no matter how dire the situation! Sometimes that meant insignificant situations like being lost and refusing to Google Map directions; and sometimes it meant not wanting to ring the Crisis Team when I was hallucinating. Through my mental health, I’ve learnt that needing to ask for help isn’t something to be ashamed of; in fact, it takes a lot of strength to do so.

DEAR SERVICES, FIVE THINGS YOUR SERVICE USERS NEED TO KNOW

1.       Exactly what their care plan entails

Whether one organization is the service users entire support system or they’re part of a wider network, a lot of trust and faith go into their relationship. Not knowing what to expect from the service and from their allocated worker can be confusing and misleading, making things open for misinterpretation and assumption. Formulating a care plan is one of the most important steps for a service user to begin to trust in a service; it confirms that they’re considering your needs and requirements and are tailoring your care to fit with these. Allowing a service user, the opportunity to have some input into this process is reassuring and rewarding. 

WHY I’M ALL ABOUT SELF-LOVING THIS VALENTINES DAY | FOUR TIPS TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER

I couldn’t decide what to write this post about; family relationships, friendships, or the absence of romantic relationships on a day when ‘romance is in the air.’ And then I came to the conclusion that an important factor in any kind of relationship is the one you have with yourself. When you don’t feel good in yourself then you’ll struggle to both maintain healthy relationships and create new ones.

1.       PUT ALL THE FEEL-GOODS ON

That includes feel-good music (mine is Keala Settle – This is Me from The Greatest Showman because it’s so empowering), a movie (Alice in Wonderland for its far-fetched storyline), and book (Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald because I feel so accomplished finishing it in one day!). Filling your life with happy music, movies and books can provide for both a much-needed boost to your mood, or a welcome relief from reality. 

'EMPATHY SHOULD BE A MENTAL HEALTH SERVICE PROVIDER'S BEST-FRIEND' | TIME TO TALK DAY

So, I’ve had a few comments today asking if I’m actually going to write something for Time To Talk Day 2019 since my two posts so far have been penned by others (haven’t seen them? (They’re here and here!) With the theme that talking about mental health will help rid us of the stigma, I thought I’d talk about why talking is just the beginning of things…

When I started experiencing auditory hallucinations I had never felt so alone. It sounds ironic but the second I started to hear voices, it felt as though I was the only person in the world. I think that a large part of this came from the fact that mental health – and most importantly; voice hearing - was rarely talked about in 2009 and so it held huge, stigmatized connotations and assumptions. I, personally, had only ever heard horror stories about my local psychiatric hospital so being admitted there was a huge shock to the system… and attitude! taught me that mental ill health doesn’t discriminate; it can happen to anyone and calling those people ‘crazy’ or ‘mental’ says more about you than it does about them.

It’s important though, that it shouldn’t take another person experiencing mental ill health to have some understanding of someone who already does! Empathy should be a mental health service provider’s best-friend; the ability to understand another person’s experiences is a difficult art in mental health.

ALL OF MY THANK YOU’S FOR 2018 | HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

Previous New Years with I'm NOT Disordered:

2013/2014 featured a list (what I didn’t achieve from it, carried on to 2014/2015) but now, in 2017, I’ve now achieved/completed the entire list - 12/12!

2014/2015 was a list of goals for the year ahead – and if you go read it and are wondering, I did/have done 9/10

2015/2016 featured a short list of upcoming projects, plans, and goals for the year ahead.

2016/2017 I celebrated with a completely new design – I can’t believe I’ve had this new logo for a year! I guess I need to stop calling it my new logo! I also asked myself – and some others – two questions: 1. What was one of your favourite things about 2016? And 2. What one thing are you looking forward to in 2017?

To mark the end of 2018, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all those who have made the year so very special.

*To all those not specifically mentioned (you know who you are) I have an equal amount of gratitude for you too! But there’s only so long a post can be before people stop reading it!*

People:

Mum, thank you for: never straying from my side, always trusting me, playing with Emmy when I’m too tired to, putting faith and determination into my recovery, making the phonecalls that would make me anxious, the laughs and inside jokes, the hugs when I cry and the tears when you’re proud.  

FOUR BEGINNINGS FOR FOUR YEARS IN MY FOREVER HOME

1.     Emmy

I guess that since Emmy is the most recent addition to the household it’s only fair that I talk about her first! I’ve talked a lot (here and here) about the cat I got when I moved in (Dolly) and how she recently passed away and the house was so… quiet without her. I don’t know if quiet’s the right word… When I use it, I don’t mind physically quiet; it’s not that Dolly used to meow a lot! More that there’s quiet from the loss of her presence. As much as I loved Dolly and recognized that getting her was a huge achievement and testament to my recovery, I don’t think I realized just how big a part of the home she was. When I’d go out or to events, I’d think about getting back home and looking back, I realize that it wasn’t so that I could be around my own things again; it was to be with my pets again! Getting Emmy has been a huge milestone in my recovery and my time in this house because for almost four years, Dolly was a part of that house. But it’s brilliant to get a whole new start again with Emmy and to see her learn – and teach her - new things, watch her explore the house (and ALL of its surfaces), find out her likes and dislikes and see her personality grow.

 

“I DIDN’T TELL YOU SO THAT YOU’D FEEL SORRY FOR ME” | SYMPATHY, EMPATHY & CONDESCENTION

The moment something bad happens to you, you’ll forever have a choice: do you tell someone or don’t you? And I don’t just mean do you report abuse to the Police or do you see a Doctor if you’re in a car accident. I mean, do you tell your parents what happened? Do you tell the teachers at School? Do you tell your friends?

My reluctance to report the abuse I went through made the choice a little easier for me; why would I tell anyone with the threats he made and the worries of judgement I held? He told me that people wouldn’t believe me, that they’d think I was making it up for attention or as an excuse for my bad behavior (which was, in fact, a result of the abuse). I also knew that as soon as people knew what had happened, they’d have a choice to make; his side or mine. I’d make the ‘allegations’ and he’d make a denial; so, who would they believe? And even if they thought it was true – even if they were on my side – what if they thought I’d deserved it? What if they told the Police before I was ready to tell them – I wouldn’t have a choice! Telling someone opened so many unanswerable questions that I wouldn’t know the answers to, unless I took the risk and ‘spilled the beans.’

WHY IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO REPORT ABUSE

So, I had a meeting recently (about a very top-secret project) and during it the issue came up about service users feeling like they’ve experienced a miss opportunity in reporting the abuse they’ve survived.

This often happens immediately when you get involved with mental health services – whether that be inpatient or outpatient/community – because the first contact is usually in the form of some sort of assessment and that often includes the question ‘have you ever been abused?’

For the abuse survivor who has kept quiet, this is yet another opportunity where they’ve not spoken up. Another time that they’ve been too scared to speak. Another time that their abuser has won. When, in reality, if you’ve never reported it before, why would you suddenly decide to? And secondly, if anyone was going to be the first person to be told, is it realistic to assume that person would be a complete stranger who coldly and clinically asks one of the most important questions you’ll be asked in your mental health journey – in your life?

GOODBYES - THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY

At 27, I think I’d still be classed as young but at the same time, it’s kind of expected – at my age – to have at least gone through some challenging ‘goodbye’ situations. I mean, I think you’d struggle to find a 27-year-old who could say they’ve never experienced the death of a loved one, or a relationship break-up. The sad truth is, goodbyes are an inevitable challenge in life. We will all face one eventually.

It’s difficult to rank the goodbyes I’ve faced into which was the most challenging because I don’t want to say one and for the others to seem meaningless or ‘easier’ to cope with. So I’m not going to talk about the goodbyes I’ve experienced in any particular order; no one experience was harder than the other – each of them were completely different and challenging in their own way…

THREE REASONS WHY WE SHOULD ALL KEEP GOING | TW: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE

We are search lights, we can see in the dark

We are rockets, pointed up at the stars

We are billions of beautiful heats

- P!NK - What About Us

For obvious (I think) reasons, there have been times in my relapse where I’ve felt reluctant to go on with life and have become determined to end it. And yes, sometimes; I’ve tried to. More recently (like literally the last four days) I’ve begun to see some changes in my mental health from the medication getting back in my system and one of these has been finding – and then clinging onto – all the reasons why I shouldn’t die. All the reasons I deserve life. Deserve my recovery.

And now that I’ve learnt these three important reasons, I thought it was time to share them with all my lovely readers in the hope that it inspires others to find their own reasons. Their own rationale to fight back against all of those feelings of depression and all of those suicidal thoughts…

WHY APOLOGIZING IS SO ESSENTIAL IN MENTAL HEALTH

Like many things in mental health, there’s always a backstory to a person’s response to something. My appreciation of apologies is no exception…

“There’s nothing I can do but apologise.”

I was told by the Psychiatric Liaison Team that I’d be having a Mental Health Act assessment and when a Psychiatrist eventually showed up it was to tell me I could go home.

Being told you’re having a Mental Health Act assessment is – for me, at least – one of the worst things you can hear where your mental health is concerned. I think that if the Northumbria Police officers hadn’t been so supportive at that time, I would’ve completely ‘gone off on one’ and fought against this happening with all my being.

HOW TO SURVIVE HOSPITAL | FIVE TIPS TO MAKE IT THROUGH ANY HOSPITAL STAY

A little while ago one of my medications was increased and with the increase, came a change in the tablet’s appearance. Of course the dormant voices jumped on this and convinced me that it was poison and they reasoned that Doctors were trying to make me more poorly so that I would need them more. Naturally, their thunderous voices were no match for my own and so I stopped taking my medication (which included two anti-depressants, one mood stabiliser, and an antipsychotic).

THE 'US' VERSUS 'THEM' DISCUSSION

Cat and Mouse Games

I remember after my very first overdose when the Nurse in Accident and Emergency (A&E) told me that if I were to run away then they’d be calling the Police and immediately I was struck with the sense that I was now in a battle and it was me against them. I think it had to do with the feeling of now being in a game of cat and mouse; they were chasing me. They were trying to find me. Now there was a game to win and perhaps it’s natural, especially for someone who’s normally competitive, to be desperate to win any kind of ‘game.’