TW | EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BEING UNDER THE CARE OF THE CRISIS TEAM | PART ONE OF THREE

“Successful people recognize crisis as a time for change - from lesser to greater, smaller to bigger.”

Edwin Louis Cole

*This is Part One of Three*

As you may know from a previous blog post titled ‘TW | “SHE’S ACTUALLY JUMPED! GET AMBULANCE ON LIGHTS AND SIREN!” | WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE, DURING, & AFTER YOU JUMP, LESSONS LEARNT, & LOTS OF ADVICE’ (which you can read here), I’ve recently gone through a very big, unsafe relapse in my mental health recovery. On August 24^th, as a result of a delusional belief to jump from a bridge near my home, the Crisis Team told me they would be out within the next 24 hours to assess me. At their assessment – after I had jumped – they decided to prescribe Zopiclone (as one reason for my relapse was a lack of sleep) and put me on caseload stating that it would be for at least one week. As it happens, six days later, things are improving and on August 30^th, I was officially discharged. My week with them – and previous experiences under their care – have inspired and informed this blog post where I’d like to provide insight and advice around working with the Crisis Team…

TW | “SHE’S ACTUALLY JUMPED! GET AMBULANCE ON LIGHTS & SIREN!” | WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE, DURING, & AFTER YOU JUMP, LESSONS LEARNT, & LOTS OF ADVICE

“…Like, it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do... So, you just keep quiet.”

Ned Vizzini

In the early hours of August 24^th, 2025, I jumped from a small bridge near my home which crosses a disused railway track. In this blog post, I’d like to share everything that happened before it, during it, and after it. This post is not intended as ‘attention-seeking’ but instead, to raise awareness of a lot of different issues which crop up throughout it and I want to do that (raise awareness) to help others. To help those who have also jumped, to feel less alone. To help professionals see good, helpful, and supportive work. To help provide the loved ones of those who have jumped with some sort of insight. The content also is definitely not intended as any sort of negative or unsafe influence. Nor do I want it to upset or trigger anyone – hence the ‘Trigger Warning’ in the title; if it does, please visit the blog’s Help Directory and reach out for professional support where relevant/necessary. With all of that said, thank you all for providing me with the platform to hopefully do some good with my content and to experience the personal, therapeutic benefits I receive in writing like this; I might have created I’m NOT Disordered, but it wouldn’t be where it is today without all of you – and for that, I am eternally grateful…

THE LARGEST ‘MOVE’ I’VE MADE FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH | MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK 2024

“Wisdom comes from making mistakes, having the courage to face them, and to make adjustments moving forward based upon the knowledge acquired through those experiences.”

Ken Poirot

A few months ago, I actually sent out a ton of emails to various people regarding a series I had envisioned publishing on I’m NOT Disordered for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW). Despite obviously receiving replies, I’ve somehow managed to reach this Week without any content! You know sometimes when it feels like time has just snuck up on you and something you’ve been planning for ages is suddenly happening? This Week is like that! So, I debated not putting any content together at all because I was struggling to think of much to write about myself with this year’s theme being ‘movement’ – hence why I’d emailed lots of people; because they were people who would have had more to say on the topic! I was still experiencing some sort of pull towards the idea of a blog post though, and I began thinking of angles on the ‘movement’ thing that might be more apt for me… I think it’s obvious that the theme is referring to exercise and the benefits that being active can have on your mental health; but I don’t have great experiences, thoughts, or feelings about exercise, so I wanted to a be bit creative and I finally decided to put a different spin on it and talk about the largest and most recent ‘move’ I’ve made for my mental health…

ALL MY CURRENT THOUGHTS & FEELINGS AFTER TWO MASSIVE FAILINGS BY THE CRISIS TEAM

A lot has gone on recently in my mental health journey, and as I came to recognise that I hadn’t posted any new content in over one week and started trying to think of what to blog about, I realised that it’s been a long time since I’ve talked about recent goings on! Like, I feel as though a lot of my most recent posts have largely been collaborations and reflective, regarding advice I’d give or things I’ve learnt rather than what’s actually currently happening in my life. And now that a number of pretty big things have happened this past week, I felt inspired and – to be honest – compelled to blog about them. I really want for this post to take I’m NOT Disordered back to its very roots in the fact that it was created to blog about my mental health and what was happening for me in the psychiatric hospital I was an inpatient in at the time, and I don’t want the very valid fact that blogging is (still) therapeutic for me, to get lost among adverts, awareness dates, freebies, events, and complimentary experiences…

DISCHARGE AFTER 35 DAYS ON THE CRISIS TEAM’S CASELOAD

“The power we discover inside ourselves as we survive a life-threatening experience can be utilised equally well outside of crisis too. I am, in every moment, capable of mustering the strength to survive again – or of tapping that strength in other good, productive, healthy ways.”

Michele Mosenthal

Having had a horrific psychiatric hospital admission in February this year (which resulted in filing a complaint to CQC and discovering the ward I was on ended up on the news because they had actually been put under ‘Special Measures’ in their most recent inspection) I found myself briefly under the care of the Crisis Team before being transferred to the Step-Up Team. However, I quickly established the realisation that they were actually making things worse – I felt that I was almost feeling pressured to be poorly so as to not waste their time and to feel deserving of their efforts! Apparently upon discharging me, the Step Up Team told my Mum that I self-refer back to them so when – a few months later – I found myself struggling again, I gave them a call, and on August 23^rd I had an assessment with someone from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). She validated that my current symptoms and the reasons for my lack of safety are completely different to those when I struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and said she would be recommending I go under the care of the Crisis Team. Two days later – August 25^th – I was put on their caseload…

“YOU SHOULDN’T BECOME COMPLACENT WITH YOUR MEDICATION” | WHEN THE PHARMACY MAKE A MISTAKE

“When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from it, and don’t repeat it.”

Paul Bear Bryant

I’ve had a rough few days and unfortunately, to explain why, I need to tell you a bit of a long-winded story…


So, last weekend, I began feeling physically poorly and called 111 (the NHS non-emergency helpline in the UK) to then be asked by a Doctor what medication I take. I went to my dosette box and realized that my Aripiprazole (an antipsychotic medication) was missing and it was really frustrating to find out on a Saturday night because obviously my GP and Pharmacy were both closed so I had to wait until Sunday morning to ring the Pharmacy. When I spoke to the Pharmacist, I really wasn’t expecting for him to say, ‘we haven’t given you it since May!’ Whilst I wasn’t expecting it as a response, it did make sense because I’d been planning to request a medication increase as I’d started struggling again. So, on the one hand, I was reassured that we were able to pinpoint a cause for my deterioration, but it was also frustrating because it was out of my control.

Rehabilitation and Recovery: New Approaches with Cygnet Healthcare | Ad

#NewApproaches

Some photography credited to Vicky McNally and Cygnet Healthcare, with all editing done by me via Moldiv

I never thought I'd say that I was excited for a conference-style event... But the New Approaches conference was being held in the same venue as a previous one, and it meant that I was staying in the same hotel; and I found all of that quite comforting. I was also looking forward to some of the talks after receiving the agenda; and the thought of meeting new people is always exciting!

10 Things You Should Know About... Psychosis

                                     

     

1. Psychosis is not a condition in itself, but it is induced by other Disorders, e.g. Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar and sometimes, depression
2. 1 in 5 of those experiencing psychosis will attempt suicide. Whilst one in twenty-five will succeed in killing themselves.
3. A sufferer's lack of insight into their symptoms and experiences often means that help and support is only sought when family and friends etc. notice that something is wrong. It is important to have early intervention
4. The severity of a person's psychosis will decide the appropriate treatment, help support. This can vary from anti-psychotic medication, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and admission to a psychiatric hospital; both voluntarily and involuntary.
5. When a person presents with psychotic symptoms, the first step is often to determine whether it has a short-term cause, such as substance abuse.
6. Traumatic experiences, brain tumours and Parkinson's disease, can often trigger psychosis.
7. 3 in 100 people will experience an episode of psychosis in their lifetime.
8. One of the main symptoms of psychosis is to experience hallucinations. Hallucinations can vary from auditory, visual, and tactile; with the most common experience being auditory hallucinations in the form of hearing voices.
9. The second main symptom of psychosis is experiencing delusions; this is when a person believes something that rational people would easily deem to be obviously untrue.
10. Often as a result of their hallucinations and delusions, those with psychosis can experience a difficulty in social interaction, an impairment in carrying out daily tasks and exhibiting blizzare and unusual behaviour.

10 Things You Should Know About... Borderline Personality Disorder

1. 60-70% of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) sufferers attempt suicide.

2. 8-10 of those with BPD, have experienced some form of a traumatic event in their childhood e.g. parental or sexual abuse.

3. The diagnosis originates from the belief that sufferers are on the border of being psychotic (when can't deferentiate between their perception and reality) and neurotic (mentally distressed but aware of reality).

4. The diagnosis criteria to diagnose someone with BPD has changed but it largely involves ensuring the person as a particular number of possible symptoms. These range from being impulsive, self-harming, experiencing uncontrollable anger, dramatic mood swings, and fear of abandonment.

5. There are many debates and discussions regarding the use of 'personality' in the Disorde's title after concerns over the negative connotations it provokes in others.

6. There are still staff in the mental health industry today who refuse to accept BPD as a diagnosis, believing, instead, that those who may be diagnosed are merely attention seekers. 

7. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is the recommended treatment for BPD suffferers, with some requiring medication or specialised therapy (such as trauma therapy) alongside this.

8. There are now particular hospitals all over the country that specialise in, and only admit those, with a diagnosis of a Personality Disorder (there are more types; it isn't just BPD). The premis of this, is that those with a diagnosis such as BPD are better supported into recovery by staff who are specially trained and in an environment that is best suited for their symptoms and behaviours.

9. Often, BPD sufferers experience a variety of hallucinations that range from auditory to tactile. Mostly, these are related to stress, but occasionally they can originate from another mental health Disorder such as transient psychosis.

10. BPD is often part of a dual diagnosis - where a person is diagnosed with more than one Disorder, such as Anorexia, Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Can being treat for an overdose do more harm?

This title will no doubt cause a knee-jerk response of 'no!' And possibly a few 'how could she even ask?!' But stay with me guys...
When I first got poorly (mentally), everyone was concerned. The first two times I overdosed, I was sectioned. The second, in a dramatic fashion that involved six police, leg restraints and sedation. People were worried. Scared. They cared.
I couldn't pin point exactly when that stopped happening, but I'd guess that it was probably around the tenth or fifteenth overdose (my notes show I've taken over 70 since 2009). After ruling out psychosis, inpatient mental health cared less. After causing scene after scene in A&E, hospital staff cared less. After going AWOL every chance I got, police cared less. I understood. I wasn't a nice person during those years. I didn't understand what was happening to me so, because I couldn't explain why I'd do the things I'd do, I allowed professionals to assume. And the majority of assumptions were that I did what I did for attention. But looking back, yes. Yes, I wanted attention. I wanted people to pay attention to my hurt and my anger and realise it wasn't aimed at them. I wanted someone - anyone, to pay attention to what had happened to me. But my feelings around my trauma: that I was to blame, was intensified by the new attitude of professionals. I felt that I deserved to be treat that way and to punish myself, I hurt myself. It was a hellish cycle. I can't help but wonder whether if staff had continued to treat me with the same original care and attitude, if the self-harm would have continued for so long and escalated to the point it did...
The reason this is on my mind?
Back in September, my psychosis escalated and I took an overdose. A senior Consultant in A&E became involved when I was struggling to accept help. He was abrupt and cold and although it put me on edge, I understood it was probably his demeanour and had nothing to do with his attitude towards mental health or what I'd done. When the little smart arse remarks began, I started to doubt myself. When it got to the point that I found myself wanting to be out of the hospital in order to be away from him, I knew he'd made things worse. And after restraining me so hard that he left fingerprint bruises and then slapping a Doctor on the back for 'filling my head with lies' I really... Lost my shit! In restraint, I was close to kicking out. When he tried to enter my room, after, I kept the door shut. I then requested that he not return to my room. And when he ignored my request, I confronted him about his attitude, comments and hitting the other doctor and was surprised that he admitted to everything. In front of a healthcare assistant. I cried because I felt that the feelings of uncontrollable aggression and anger were part of the Old Aimee. I'd always told myself that even if I was still self-harming, at least I wasn't treating professionals the way I used to. I was sad to feel that this one Doctor had set me back.
If I'd had the Consultant who took over in the morning that entire time, I'm sure that things would've gone differently.
And this, is my point; if professionals treat you so badly when all you need is their help and support then how could this possibly aid recovery? For me, each incident with staff was just added to my collection of bad memories that rapidly grew after each hospitalisation.
It's no secret that mental health service users have sometimes been known to self harm or succeed in suicide because of the way they have been treat by professionals. So how can you be sure that admitting someone to hospital or having police involvement will not worsen the persons mental health?

How To Tell People You Hallucinate

Firstly, I just want to put it out there that I'm in no way telling you to tell anyone and everyone this very personal aspect of life. Secondly, you must be ready to tell someone, and this will take many personal, individual rational. And thirdly, the personal and individual decision of who you tell, is also something that is completely within your control and if you ever feel it is not, if you feel pressured tell a particular person, then don't. It will take a lot out of you to disclose these things and you need it to feel worthwhile after doing so. For example, if your having a mini meltdown in public and a random, Good Samaritan asks what's up, you could probably get around the incident without having to admit to hearing voices. In contrast, if you have a carer or close family member then it might help them better understand and support you if they're aware of what you're experiencing. Worthwhile.
I think the best way to explain something that few people experience is by comparing it to something others are more likely to have experienced so that they are more empathetic to your situation and how you may or may not be coping.
To explain auditory hallucinations (for me, this means voices) I have used the comparison of listening to music through headphones. The noise is coming through your ears and feels as though it's filling up your head. You can hear it but no one else can and sometimes it's so loud you worry others will hear. I experienced hearing voices for three years (six, now in total) before the visual hallucinations began, so I had a long time of professionals being unable to understand what I was going through. The main problem with this, is that when you self-harm or attempt suicide because of this thing they don't understand and have no empathy for, it's almost understandable to be met with ignorance and a bad attitude. No excuse but almost understandable.
Visual hallucinations, are something I've experienced for the past three years and I've personally found them to be something more widely comprehended because how many people do you hear saying 'oh I thought I saw something out the corner of my eye'? For many people, this is what they liken a visual hallucination to. Not those who experience such hallucinations though. Mostly those who have someone tell them they're hallucinating and they say 'oh this time I thought I saw something but looked again and there was nothing there, is it like that?' No, it is not. Imagine someone asking about your childhood and you tell them how you had a family dog and have lots of fun memories with it. Your family tell you there was never a dog. You remember playing in a paddling pool with it, taking it for muddy walks in fields... But it was never there. It's strange and at first you're confused and are desperate for proof that it hadn't been there. And then the acceptance sets in. And with the acceptance that something you thought was there, wasn't really, you begin to question all of your childhood memories. Or even the dog that you currently own, does he exist? Can everyone see him?! This, is how I'd help someone to understand a visual hallucination.
I've only experienced other hallucinations a handful of times so I can't advise on these but I hope this post might have inspired other ideas of how to help those who care understand what you're going through.

"I came to accept this was the path chosen for me" - A guest blog by Jonny Benjamin

I was ten years old when I first heard a voice in my head. It told me it was an angel. At first, I quite liked it being there. It was more like a companion, telling me such things as "don't forget to do your English essay; it's due tomorrow."

Around the same time, I first saw the film 'The Truman Show.' My friend who I watched it with suggested that I might possibly be in my own version of the film. I laughed off the absurdity of the idea, but in my mind a seed had been planted. What if I was on my own TV reality show without my knowledge? It was possible. It happened to Truman Burbank; it could happen to me.
And so, for the next decade I believed I was being watched by cameras wherever I went. I also thought that my family and friends were actors, playing their parts in a world fabricated around me.
Like the voice I was hearing, I came to accept that this was the path chosen for me, and that there was little I could do to change that. I may as well embrace it. But when I turned 16, I started developing severely low moods. They would last for days and weeks on end, and I spent hours in my room crying at times. I was embarrassed, ashamed and didn't know how to articulate my feelings to anyone. I kept silent about it. It was at this point that the voice I was hearing changed too, becoming sinister and tormenting. I now believed I was being possessed by the devil. It issued me challenges like: "your parents are going to die in a car crash unless you walk up and down the stairs three times." I started to consider suicide. One day I tried to strangle myself in the school toilets. Life had become unbearable and I was unable to cope.
Despite all of this, I probably seemed like a typical teenager to those around me. In fact, I was a bit of a swot at school; achieving really high grades in my GCSEs. One friend did notice a difference in my behaviour though, and confronted me about it. I told him about the incident in the school toilets and he forced me to see my GP. Over the next few years I saw various GPs and tried courses of anti-depressants. I always played down the true state of my mind. I was terrified I would end up in an institution like Claymore Hospital in the film 'Girl, Interrupted' if I did. I was also convinced that this would all just pass. At 18 I left my home in North London to go to drama school in Manchester; I was sure that it was the change I needed to put everything right. It only took a few days though, before I fell back in to a cycle of depression. This time, it hit harder than ever before; but I was determined to carry on and achieve my degree. I treasured my time at drama school; every day it allowed me to escape my reality by becoming someone else. Outside of it though, I was really struggling: drinking heavily, self-harming and alienating myself more and more from people around me.
At the age of 20 I had a breakdown. It was a freezing cold night in late November 2007 when I left my house feeling totally out of control. I went onto a dual carriageway and walked down it, shouting and screaming at the cars driving past. It felt like my mind and body were being controlled by the devil. I was in psychosis and needed serious help. I collapsed on the carriageway and was taken to A&E. It would be another few weeks though before I was admitted to a psychiatric unit and given a diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder; a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar. I found it impossible to come to terms with; it seemed like I'd been handed a life sentence. There was also the issue of my sexuality, which I refused to talk about whenever it came up in therapy. I couldn't bring myself to admit I was gay; coming from a Jewish background, I was sure that my family would disown me.
A month into my stay, having given up hope of getting better, I ran away from hospital, intending to take my life. I was apprehended though by a passing stranger who stopped me with his word: "I've been where you are. I got through it, I know you can too." I will never forget the weight of these words and the impact they had in me. For the first time in so long, I could see through the darkness that had brought me to this moment. I decided not to go through with my actions and returned to hospital.
Recovery was slow and gradual, but from my brief meeting with the passing stranger, I had a sense that it was possible to overcome my illness. I was also able to accept my sexuality as well, thanks to a wonderful nurse who sat with me every day, telling me how happy she was that her son had come out. Her words of love and pride prompted me to do the same.
It's taken a number of years, but I can finally say I have learnt how to manage my condition. I'm now very open about my mental health; creating a YouTube channel that has been watched by hundreds of thousands of people and receiving praise from the likes of Stephen Fry. I've also written a book of poetry and presented a BBC3 documentary about living with mental illness. I want to pass on the message of hope to others. Overcoming any adversity in life is possible.

Psychosis & Blogging

I have now been formally told that my Borderline Personality Disorder has crossed over to psychosis. The Team Manager of my Community Mental Health Team paid a visit to my home and explained the process.

Initially my out of hours support, told me that because I had learnt how to manage and cope with my BPD hallucinations they had developed. This was really disheartening because I felt that I'd never win. I'd think I had and then it'd change, become different, harder and new. And I'd be right back at the beginning, learning all over again. That thought was horrible, but what the Team Manager said has ended up having a bigger and worse impact. 

She described how everyone has this cup and something will happen and you fill the cup up with a bit of stress, and it'll keep filling and then you'll do something nice for yourself, do something you enjoy and the stress in the cup will drain out a little. She told me that when the cup overflows, psychosis hits! 

And then comes one of the most frequented questions in mental health care; "what's stressing you out at the moment?"

And my answer was something that I never thought would leave my mouth; "my blog."

This, will probably come as a surprise to most people because I've never actually talked about this to anyone other than my therapist. 

I remember when I first started following Zoella and she talked on her videos about the pressure of her YouTube channel becoming so popular and how all of the opportunities that arose from her success were effecting her anxiety. And I was confused; until then, I'd thoroughly enjoyed my blog's success... The thing is, that was back when my views were about 40,000...

To think that my blog could be affecting my stress levels to the point of causing me to experience psychosis is... There are no words. I'm not one of those people to broadcast their achievements but my blog changed this. It changed a lot of things; for the better. I have more confidence and motivation. I feel that being a blogger defines who I am, and I'm so proud of this. This blog, is the proudest thing I have achieved since my GCSE results back in 2007. 

Recently, when I've struggled and/or self-harmed, people have often said 'you only got out of hospital eight months ago and look at how far you've come.' For the first time, a professionals asked what my views had been when I left hospital and they were below 40,000. That freaked me out. The thought of how much my blog has excelled in the eight months that my mental health recovery has also progressed. 

The stress of my blog is the pressure that I'm putting on myself. I think it's natural though, what I'm thinking and panicking about. I've always said that lots of people don't realise the work that goes into blogging - especially a popular, well-heard-of blog. This week, I had three guest posts come through from three incredibly important, special people. I felt lucky to have gotten guest posts from them but then I found myself stressing; should I post them one after the other? Should I leave a day between them? Should I cancel my once a week scheduled posts to make room for them?

In the end, I chose to publish one guest post a week, with one of my scheduled posts a week too and a break in between the two. 

This is just an example of the level of thought and stress that goes into blogging. And that was just a small decision. The stress I get from blogging is because I pressure myself to always do one better than my last post and to stay ahead of the competition. Luckily, unlike beauty and fashion blogs, there isn't bloggers springing up every day so I don't have much to compete with. But I'm very conscious of mental health volunteers etc getting opportunities that I'd like. And I convince myself that the reason I wasn't offered the opportunity, is that my blog isn't good enough. 

No matter how bad the psychosis gets, how often it occurs or what I do to cope/manage it, I will not stop blogging. It gives my life a meaning; I am proud to call myself a blogger. I'm proud in all that my blog does achieve. And if I stress about small blogging decisions then it's only because my blog means so much to me.