THE THINGS I COULD SAY

Step one, you say we need to talk

He walks

You say sit down, it’s just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

The Fray – How To Save A Life

I toyed around with a lot of different titles for this post and I worried that some of them gave the wrong impression… initially, it was ‘THE THINGS I WISH I COULD SAY’ but I don’t want people to think that I’m wishing I could see the person who abused me. Actually, what I meant by it was that I was I were ready to say those things. I wish I was ready to see him, and I wish I was ready to say these things when I did. But when I thought about my fear of people misinterpreting this, I thought that maybe there are other abuse survivors out there who have also thought about what they’d say to their abuser if they could and I really didn’t like the thought that they were sitting there thinking like I was; ‘I can’t say this to anyone because they won’t understand.’ If someone else told me they were having these thoughts and feelings, then I would support them in finding the courage and bravery to speak up regardless of their worries about others. I’d tell them that if it’s going to help them to talk about it, you shouldn’t care what anyone else might think. So why should I be any different? Why shouldn’t I take my own advice?!

THE REALITY OF LIVING WITH SELF-HARM SCARS | TW

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!

P!NK - Perfect

So, I’ve just had a little day trip to London for a meeting with the Richmond Fellowship Working Together Committee and my outfit has included a really oversized t-shirt and I’ve struggled to find a jacket/cardigan to fit over it PLUS it’s been really sunny today! So, my scarred arms have been on show for all the world to see.

When I left my house this morning I didn’t think much of it until I was talking with my taxi driver (just like I usually do!) and he said that he was feeling down because of working so much then he said - in a careless manner and with a nod at my self-harm scars – “I mean, you understand. You’ve obviously got mental health problems too.” I think that at first, I was a little taken aback by the… I don’t know… lack of tact? But then I realized that he was just calling it how he saw it. He probably could’ve phrased it a bit better but then he might have assumed that if I was open enough about my mental health to have my scars on show, then perhaps I didn’t mind someone being blunt and forward about it. 

WEEK SIX | 52 LISTS FOR HAPPINESS | OLIVER BONAS | AD

You can buy this book here

(Apologies for the delay in publishing this post!)

Every week, for 2018 there will be post of what I’ve done in the book each week. And the sixth list?

List the things (from your past and present) that feel like blockades in the way of happiness:

THE IMPORTANCE OF STANDING UP FOR SOMETHING

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are…

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

- This Is Me - Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman

So recently, I went to the cinema with one of my bestfriend’s (and bridesmaid), Lauren; to see The Greatest Showman. I don’t want to include any spoilers, so I’ll just say… it was incredible!

But also… in it, Hugh Jackman plays a man who, massively, invests (not just financially) in his ideas. When others tell him he’s wrong, or try to take something away from his successes, he stands up to them and refuses to minimise or ignore his dreams and imagination.

"Watching It, I Felt So Vulnerable" - SPEAKING ABOUT SELF-HARM ON ITV TYNE TEES NEWS | Ad

WATCH THE PIECE ON ITV TYNE TEES NEWS

READ THE ARTICLE

When I got the e'mail from Northumberland, Tyne & Wear NHS Foundation Trust's (NTW) Comms Advisor with the subject line 'Possible ITV interview?' I couldn't open it fast enough! 

Turns out, newly released statistics showed that the amount of young people being admitted to hospital due to self-harm has significantly increased recently; and ITV wanted to run a piece about it on our local news; Tyne Tees.

I've always tried to reiterate that I am not a YouTuber. Or even, unless in he most basic of definitions, a Vlogger. I think that the only parts of my YouTube videos I've ever edited, has been the clips of Dolly when she's dreaming or chartering to birds and I edit out the minutes where she's stopped or gone quiet. I don't have a fancy camera with all of the posh settings to make the background blurred, or sending it to my phone via Bluetooth. I also don't have the big lights and microphone. Or the skills to add transitions between each clip. My point is, I'm not a YouTuber; and the vlogs you watch are exactly how things took place. I don't watch them back before uploading to check what I've said.

10 Things You Should Know About... Self-Harm

Note: this post contains discussion of and references to self-harm

                      

1. There's so many different ways to self-harm, and lots of people think that they know this because the media and mental health organisations seem to publicise and empathise this. The usual methods of self-harm that are publicised are cutting or burning the skin, inflicting injury often by hitting or punching  yourself, abusing substances e.g. alcohol or drugs, and developing an eating disorder through starvation, purging or self-induced vomiting.

2. Sometimes, behaviours and acts that are easily assumed to be a suicide attempt could actually be a method of self-harming. Personally, I used to overdose very regular (every 3-4 days at my most poorly) and, understandably, it was often thought to be a suicide attempt. But there are so many negative things that came from overdosing that could make the overdose more obviously self-harm. For example needing injections and medication that made you feel poorly.

3. The reason why a person self-harms is obviously essential in supporting them and helping them to change this behaviour. I think that many people, professionals included, immediately ask the person why they have done what they have; in the assumption that the person can tell them the reasons. It's so easy to convince yourself that of course someone who hurts themselves will know why they're doing so. 

4. The reaction from anyone to a person who has self-harmed is crucial. If a person has felt the need to hurt themselves then the last thing that person needs is to be judged, unsupported and criticised. Personally, I felt so bad about myself; felt that I was useless, a horrible person, that I deserved everything that happened to me. And so, when professionals would judge me, accuse me of being something that I wasn't, show no concern for what I'd done and why I'd done it, I'd feel even worse. I'd be angry that the people who should help me were refusing to. That they didn't believe I could get better; I was hopeless. A lost cause. In a way, overdosing meant that I felt validated. That everything I believed of myself was true. 

5. To label a person who has self-harmed as an 'attention seeker' says more about them than it does about the person who self-harmed. Attention seeker has such a bad connotation and when you actually think about it, it shouldn't automatically be thought of as negative. If a person is exhibiting behaviours- even if it isn't self-harm, purely in the hope of getting attention, then it should be considered why this person wants attention. I'm no longer ashamed to admit that I was once labelled an attention seeker; at the end of the day, I was diagnosed with a Personality Disorder and sectioned to a hospital for years. But even still, maybe I did want attention. Maybe I did want someone to sit up and think 'something bad must've happened to her for her to do this.' 

6. There is no guaranteed way of preventing someone from self-harming. Firstly, if a person presents at A&E with bleeding arms and needing stitches, then neither sewing them up and letting them go or having them admitted to hospital, is a sure way to prevent it happening again. Sometimes, professionals appear to just 'accept' that a person is going to self-harm. Personally, I'd never needed stitches in the three years of my cutting before hospital; and so I guess it wasn't exactly dangerous. Risky perhaps - professionals always like to stress that you might cut too deep one time- but not really dangerous. I also witnessed a girl who had cut so deeply and so often that she needed plastic surgery yet the hospital staff acknowledge that no matter what they confiscated from her, she'd find a way.
7. Unlike so many aspects of mental health, knowing that you aren't alone in self-harming, isn't comforting or reassuring. Personally, I experienced this the most when I was in hospital, on the same ward for two and a half years. Inevitably, I grew to like some of the other girls (it was an all female ward) and so when I'd see them come out of the meds room with a nurse and a new, bright white bandage, it was upsetting. I began to use it to be able to empathise with those who cared about me whilst I self-harmed; especially my Mum.
8. There's so many different reasons to cause someone to stop self-harming and if you observe one stopping one person, then that doesn't mean it'll stop another. You could meet two people who cut but they could do it for completely different reasons. And those reasons will affect what it'll take to stop their self-harming. It doesn't matter what method of self-harm they use, how long it goes on for, or the physical affect it has. And no matter what it is that stops a person from self-harming, it should never be compared to what it takes for a different person.
9. It doesn't take long to discover that those who don't, and have never self-harmed, will never understand. And that's not meant as a judgement on them. It is a human's instinct to protect themselves. Whether it's the fight or flight, the aim is the same. And so, to meet someone who has completely gone against this instinct is something completely mystifying to others.
10. The knee-jerk response to a person who has self-harmed (no matter which method that has been used) is to ensure their physical health and safety. Probably in most instances, it's the most appropriate. Personally, sometimes talking things through might be the better initial reaction. There's been many times that I would've benefited more from being spoken to than I did being restrained and taken to a hospital against my will.

Please seek professional help, support and advice if you, or someone you know, is thinking about self-harming or has self-harmed.

"My arms have scars but I've never needed stitches"

TW: this post discusses self-harm

Last night, was a hard night. 

The past three or so weeks, I've had three - what the professionals deem to be - 'psychotic episodes'. This is where I have strange thoughts. I can't remember the first episode, but on the second I had developed a belief that if I'm right-handed then that must mean that something is wrong with my left arm. And so, I bashed it with a hammer in the hope that needing an x-ray would result in them finding out what was wrong and getting rid of it. It didn't turn out that way; I ended up with very bad bruising and a sling! 

Last night I thought 'if it's not my left arm then maybe it is my right arm' and believed I needed to bash or cut a poison out of it. During these episodes, this thinking makes total sense and I feel proud to be the first person to realise these things. In the cold light of day, my thinking still makes sense but I now know it's irrational and unpracticle. 

Anyhow, I bashed my arm with a hammer and then I opened the draw of sharps that I'd been saving. None of the sharps were intentionally made; they were all from accidentally breaking various things, such as a photoframe, a china decoration, a glass coster and a champagne glass. When I'd broken these things, my first thought had been 'I better keep these pieces; they might come in useful.' And I've had these sharps for a while, but never used them. Last night, I picked a piece of glass from the photoframe and scratched at my arm. It was literally a scratch similar to what my kitten could do. So I selected another piece and cut. The blood spurted this time. I got such a shock! And repeated 'shit' a number of times before realising that the blood was literally dripping out of me and creating a puddle.

And this is the point where the title of this post comes in... Yes, I've self-harmed through cutting before, but not like this. The worst I've ever done have need steri-strips. Even though I wasn't seasoned in the subject, even I could tell that I was going to need stitches. So I went into the walk-in centre and they used some steri-strips which didn't work, so they used some bigger, wider ones and it held for a little then bled through and opened back up. So, I was sent to A&E in our new hospital. Two doctors checked out my wound and said that because of how wide it was and where it was on my shoulder I needed stitches. Five stitches to put me back together again.

But will I ever feel 'whole'?

I was so angry at myself because that really hadn't been my intention! I wasn't really trying to cut. Not like that.

Times like these, I do lose sight of hope. I do worry that this is me going backwards. I do worry it's all going to start again and be as bad as it was before the hospital in Bradford. And I've had this worry several times in the eight months that I've been an outpatient but it's amounted to nothing. The moment in which I self-harmed, passes. And so does the fear of losing sight of recovery. And once again I'm positive, optimistic and determined. It's just... Everytime this happens, I kind of feel like there's a blemish against my name in recovery. As though it's marked by such an incident. And as the days and eventually weeks go by in which I don't self-harm, and I get through difficult moments and have achievements; that mark is being rubbed away and I'm all shiny and new again. And right now, sat here with terrible bruising down the length of my arm that gives me a permanent pain, and an ache with a dressing covers five stitches, I can't wait to be shiny and new again.

PS. When I returned home from hospital at 5am and cleaned all of the blood that went right through my home, I disposed of all of the sharps, because they will NEVER be useful.

To Regret Your Scars or Not To Regret Your Scars

TW: This post contains discussion of self-harm which may seem graphic in some places. This post is not intended to upset or cause distress to anyone; I'm hoping to reassure others who are struggling with this issue and to provide education for those who make assumptions of self-harm.

It's been very warm in the UK recently and wearing shorts and t-shirts on a regular basis has made me so much more aware of my scars. I have scars on both forearms and both thighs (front and back) and it's led me to wondering whether others have the same opposing feelings towards their scars. One day you hide them and regret them and another day you're comfortable showing them to the public. 

I hurt myself today,

To see if I still feel,

Tried to focus on the pain;

The only thing that's real

- Johnny Cash - Hurt

It's a difficult subject because personally, I have cut in a moment of distress and so once it was over - as they always are - I found myself... I'm trying to avoid using the word 'regret' as I'm one of those people that believe you shouldn't have any regrets in life. But it's the only word I can think of to describe this feeling. The moment passes and I no longer hear voices, my emotions are manageable or the medication has kicked in and I'm left thinking 'it's gone but I'm stuck with this blood and, eventually, scars.' 
Just as scars are not necessarily caused by cutting; cutting is not done in the exact same ways and therefore, does not cause the same gravity of scarring. Some people will almost 'dig' and others may 'swipe' and obviously the deeper and wider the cut, the worse the scarring. I, personally, used to cut by swiping at my skin with a sharp, in a 'scratch' effect and so most of my scars are thin but I found that if I thought about my trauma whilst cutting, the cuts were deeper and generally worse. Which brings me to my next point; scarring is unpredictable; it does not necessarily depend upon your motivation or on your 'tool.' For example, I used to use pieces from a smashed cup to cut with and you could never tell if a piece was sharp enough to cut really deep or if it would even make a scratch until you tried. You could also self-harm with the same 'tool' but have a different impact depending upon your motivation or intention.
The aspect of my life that my scarring has the most impact on, is what I wear; and what scares me the most is the thought that this will go on to my wedding day; when I'll feel the need to wear a long-sleeved wedding dress. 
The attitudes of scars can vary, some may view them as a sign of weakness and something to be ashamed and embarrassed of in that you have resorted to self-harm to get through something. Alternatively, they could be viewed as a sign of strength, a testament to your survival and a public show of how you have battled, struggled and beaten something
. 
I believe that just as self-harming is an extremely personal topic, so is your view on your scars. I believe that those who hurt themselves, have the kindest hearts because they don't want to hurt others. If you're breathing with self-harm scars then you've won; and what a waste it would be to have regrets with the methods you've used to WIN

You can take everything I have,

You can break everything I am,

Like I'm made of glass,

Like I'm made of paper,

Go on and try to tear me down;

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

- Demi Lovato - Skyscraper

Note: If you are having thoughts of self-harming please seek professional support. If you have self-harmed then please seek medical advice.

5 Years Ago, I Wish I'd Known...

• That I have a chance.
• That I might not kill myself.
• That what happened to me, wasn't my fault.
• That I shouldn't let my fear of people's opinion of me stop me from telling them what happened to me.
• That relationships shouldn't last solely because you feel indebted to that person.
• That eventually, professionals will care.
• That those who don't (care) shouldn't matter.
• That I will become strong enough to face mental health stigma.
• That it doesn't matter how many friends you have or who they are.
• That I will find a reason to live.
• That overdosing at the place of my trauma will not solve anything.
• That there is no shame in taking/needing medication and I shouldn't let anyone make me feel that there is.
• That I'd have scars on my arms for a long time.
• That hallucinations can't hurt you as badly as you can hurt yourself.
• That not going to University does not make you a failure.
• That admitting to being bullied says more about the bullies than it does about you.
• That those bad feelings will end without having to self-harm.
• That the scales and the label on your clothes should not determine your happiness; there's more important things in life.
• That honesty is the best policy.
• That there will never be a person more important than my Mum.
• That your family will not be here forever; you should appreciate them and tell them you love them every day.
• That animals really can be your best-friend.
• That money is never worth the worry.
• Someone will eventually come along and see my pain and help me.
• That I will live.

Note: To see what I've been up to recently, go see my vlogs on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxkWBmMgubKY3zfqH_VkZJg

"Shall we go for 800mg?"

So, it's come to my attention that it's been quite a while since my last personal post (http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/tw-you-were-different-person-then.html).

After all the drama in that post, I came to the decision that professional's advice to take time out to myself wasn't good advice. I've decided that so long as everything I have to do and have planned isn't stressing me out, then it's the right way to go about things. So I'm trying to get the balance now of doing lots of things that I enjoy doing as then they don't feel like chores or tasks and become stressful. The only thing on my 'to-do' list which wasn't enjoyable was my final unit on my distance learning course; so I got that out of the way over the Bank Holiday weekend, and have decided not to do any more courses whilst I organise my time between my blog, campaign for Fixers and work with Youth Speak.

Since everything that went on in the post I linked it at the beginning, I was put back onto the dose of my anti-psychotic that I'd recently been on and was told that I had to see my GP two weeks later. The appointment was today and the GP I was seeing was actually the one who was in that post (so you might wana read it to understand this part). She told me that after I'd left A&E she'd spoken with my old psychiatrist, who'd told her that I only self-harm when the voices are bad. She asked how they are at the moment and I tried to explain that they'd been gone for so long and so, now they're back they are quieter than they were on that day in A&E but in the grand scheme of things; they're loud. She said she was increasing my anti-psychotic to the maximum dose. And then we talked about my anxiety and she increased my beta-blocker to help with that so that I shouldn't need so much Lorazepam. 

I also told her about my upcoming CPA (Care Programme Approach) and how there'll be discussion over the recommendation that I'm automatically treat under the Mental Capacity Act when I present in A&E and she suggested that she attend. She'll be first GP in the six years all of this has been going on, to attend such a meeting! She said that it'd be helpful for her as she is my regular GP who I see the most often, and also that she does spend half of her time in A&E so she''d be better placed there too.

Things aren't easy at the moment, I guess that in a way; they never are but I did feel that for a time... It was good. And now it's hard again. I feel almost constantly anxious, have a daily battle with the voices to go against their commands and take my medication, and put so much effort into resisting the urges to self-harm. I have so much I want to do with my life, and so much that's already planned and is soooo exciting! So I wake up, I take my meds and I put my bio-oil on scars.

Every day.

'Days worth of filming had to be cut down into 45mins' - A guest post by Becky Thompson

My name is Becky and last night (18.03.15) I was featured on a documentary on channel 4 called ‘My Self Harm Nightmare’.

I got involved with this programme as I am a media volunteer for the charity B-eat.  My role is to speak with various members of the media, to educate them on how best to portray issues, such as eating disorders and self-harm, and allow them to use my experiences in order to educate and raise awareness among the public.
I agreed to be a part of this programme because I wanted to be able to have the chance to dispel some of the common myths surrounding eating disorders and self harm, whilst raising awareness of the potential threat of the internet on such illnesses, and most importantly, to offer hope to those suffering.
As a sufferer myself, I am aware that people who may be experiencing the issues raised in the programme are likely to be drawn to it, for various reasons, therefore I tried to be conscious of this when conducting my interviews and tried to avoid giving tips or other information which might further somebody’s illness.  
The actual filming of the programme, for myself, stretched across a period of a few months, after months of preparation beforehand, and resulted in probably, days worth of footage, which needed to be cut down into 45 minutes.  
The full interviews, in context, were very different to the final programme, and I feel as though the producers have only used the parts of my interview that they considered the most ‘shocking’ and consequently, perhaps the most triggering.
Much of what I talked about, and wanted to emphasise, is that people’s perceptions of a person with an eating disorder aren’t necessarily reflective of the actual sufferers.  One of the main things that I wanted to bring up is the fact that not all sufferers are skinny, and that weight does not necessarily define the severity of someone’s illness.  Although I lost weight, in the initial stages of my eating disorder, I never fell below a ‘normal’ weight category, which made it a lot harder for those around me to detect that there was an issue.  This does not, however, mean that I wasn’t ill - malnutrition was still an issue and I was very badly anaemic, and not to mention deficient in pretty much every vitamin and mineral, which in turn, had a negative effect on my body both physically and mentally.  The long-term effects of purging also affect sufferers, regardless of their weight.  I used to have chronic mouth ulcers, tonsillitis, infections and not to mention the fact that I can no longer drink cold drinks without a straw because my teeth are now too sensitive.  Prolonged use of laxatives can also lead to all sorts of problems, including Irritable Bowel Syndrome and even fecal incontinence.  
Although I was never underweight, the pictures of me used in the programme were probably of me at my lowest weight, which as well as being very insulting, I think it gives, completely, the wrong impression of eating disorders to the public.  The vast majority of eating disorder sufferers are diagnosed with bulimia or an atypical eating disorder, and may not necessarily folllow the usual pattern of anorexic symptoms.  For a while, the documentary was going to be called ‘My Skinny Self-Harm Nightmare’, which obviously didn’t sit very well with me.  After lots and lots of pestering, they finally changed it to the very slightly more palatable ‘My Self-Harm Nightmare’ however, as has been highlighted on twitter, they probably could have thought of something a little more tasteful.  
I have seen lots of comments about the programme being triggering, and I would like to point out that this is an issue I raised to the producers repeatedly.  I was under the impression that there would be a more explicit trigger warning at the start of the programme, however this issue seemed to have been skirted over.  The use of various pictures in the programme is another issue that I raised, however, I unfortunately have no rights over the editing of the programme, therefore there wasn’t a lot I could do.  Some of the descriptions of self-harm were a lot more graphic in earlier versions and I was glad that some of this was cut out, however, it obviously wasn’t enough and I really wish they’d listened to me more about this.
The picture of my arm that was captioned ‘from Becky’s blog’ was taken out of context as this picture was actually posted with a description of how I dislike my scars, rather than glorifying self-harm.  I don’t feel as though I was as much an active member of this online community as was portrayed, as I was always more of an observer than a promoter and I would never post tips or harmful advice online.  I am, very much, against the promotion and glorification of eating disorders and self-harm online and I regularly report blogs of this nature and would urge others to do the same.  

I think it was included, briefly, that I don’t think that the internet caused my illness, but that the internet may act as a catalyst to somebody who is already ill, to some extent, or may cause the problem to escalate.  

There was a whole day of filming, that didn’t feature at all in the programme, where I attended a university open day at Roehampton University.  This was supposed to round off the programme on a positive note, showing how I am moving on with my life and aim to study psychology, with a view to help others in the future.  This was all cut out at the last minute.  I was in hospital for 21 months from January 2012 - October 2013 and was therefore unable to sit all of my GCSE exams, and I missed, what should have been, the first year of my A-levels, putting me a year behind my peers.  I wanted to show, from this university visit, that I wasn’t going to let this illness take any more of my life away from me and show other sufferers that things can get better.  I believe that it is possible to fully recover from an eating disorder and self-harm, but even without a full recovery, things can improve and you can learn to live with and manage your thoughts in a more positive way.  I was very disappointed that the whole of this section was cut out of the programme, however I’m glad they still included the reasoning behind getting my tattoo, and what it symbolises for me (designed by my best friend, and artist, Kate Powell).  
Rather than merely being a programme of shock tactics, I also wanted to highlight my views about the approach of the NHS and other healthcare organisations, in dealing with these kind of issues.  I was recently invited to speak at a conference, educating professionals on how to deal with people who self-injure and I feel that there needs to be many more of these kinds of training workshops.  When I was in hospital, the majority of staff were compassionate and understanding, however, an unfortunate minority were quite the opposite and made my stay feel like hell.  I remember a nurse once said to me that I was ‘selfish for self-harming and it would be easier on [my] family if [I] just went ahead and killed [myself] so it was over and done with’.  Clearly, this kind of interaction was detrimental to my recovery and opinion of myself, as my effect on others is the main thing that drives me to seek help and engage with treatment.  When I was moved to a specialist secure ward - for young women with borderline personality disorder, I felt like we were all grouped together and it was assumed that what worked for one individual would work for us all because ‘we were all there for the same reasons’.  I think that the categorisation of people with mental health problems, dependant on their diagnosis, is a massive flaw in the approach of healthcare professionals and needs to be addressed.  As I mentioned in the programme, people self-harm in different ways and for different reasons and you can’t assume that two people displaying the same symptoms feel the same way inside.  
I feel like there are so many issues that could have been raised in the programme that weren’t, simply because it might not sell as well to the general public.  I think the media have a duty to portray such important issues in a sensitive light, however, this concept appears to be frequently lost, with priority given to what makes a ‘shocking’ story.  B-eat actually have some strict guidelines on  the way eating disorders should be portrayed in the media, and the majority of these seem to have been broken, which I find pretty disappointing.  I know that they had to cut down days worth of filming into 45 minutes, but if done differently, it could have been a very different programme.
This is an addition Becky requested I add at the last minute: the point of the programme wasn't supposed to be about self-harm or eating disorders and wasn't trying to claim that it is the sole cause of these issues, but was merely trying to raise awareness about how harmful these things can be.  I feel like I've been quite harsh to channel 4 but they've actually been supportive throughout the processes of making the documentary and actually offered support from a psychiatrist.

My Self-Harm Nightmare - Channel 4

As someone who has self-harmed, the title of this programme caught my eye, and then I read it will be focussing on the belief that social media and blogs are encouraging and promoting self-harm.

I'll be writing this blog as I'm watching the programme and before it comes on, I'd just like to say that my belief is that you will find on the internet whatever you are looking for. If you wan tips on how to cut deeper, it'll be there. If you want to know how to fight the hunger pangs, you'll find it. If you want support with you Disorder, that's available. If you want to read of people's recovery from mental illness, you can. If you search the internet for positive things then that is what you shall find and I believe that publicising the negative side, just teaches more people that it's available. People don't need that; they need to me more aware of the support networks online, the #BPDChats on Twitter and blogs like mine. 

That being said... Here we go!

• The amount of people being diagnosed with an Eating Disorder has increased by 110%
• 38,000 young people were admitted to hospital for self-harm
• Over 1 milion people with an Eating Disorder look at pro-ana media
• 1 in 4 people with Eating Disorders also self-harm 
• 25% of those diagnosed with an Eating Disorder suffer chronically from this, 75% make a full or partial recovery

Charlotte, 18
Charlotte felt that everything's about appearance in her family with her Mum being a hairdresser and her Aunt being a beautician. At family meals she was often complimented and told she looked thinner, she believed this was 'adding fuel to the fire.' Charlotte also thought that another cause of her Eating Disorder was being at an all girls schools when they'd change for PE and pass judgements on one another's body.
When using social media to look at pro-ana photos, she said: "I like the fact that you see the collar bones, and the hip bones, thigh gap..."
When asked why she wanted to be 'small' she said that she felt that being smaller meant you were safer as no one would want to hurt you if you were thin.
Charlotte battled her parents over what internet content she could access and felt in competition with others to see who was the thinnest and believed that being the thinnest meant that you were the strongest. She told of how you'd think you'd made a friend who'd say they would help you lose weight but they wouldn't; because they wanted to be the thinnest.
Charlotte would put food in bowls to make it look as though she had eaten, and she wore oversized clothes so her parents didn't notice how much weight she'd lost.
She felt that she'd achieve a weight goal and still wouldn't be happy so she'd set another for a lower weight and the voices in her head would convince that this was the life she wanted.

Charlotte first cut with a razor and at first, she said that it hurt but as she saw the scar it began to feel good and she felt that she was strong for doing it. She learnt how to cover the scars with make-up and began cutting as a punishment for eating or not exercising.
The turning point came when Charlotte felt she could no longer self-harm or starve herself and she told her Mum. She was taken to Hospital where she was told that they body was beginning to shut down and that if she'd continued the way she was, she would have died. At the Priory, she Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Group Therapy, Individual Therapy and Family Therapy. When asked if they had worked she nodded and said "at one point i was happy and in control of my Eating Disorder." She was asked how she felt now and admitted that she felt the Disorder was beginning to grip her again but that she hoped she was strong enough to stop it from going too far.
She now studies performing arts and said that "when I'm on stage, the voice can't touch me."

With hindsight, Charlotte's Mum said that she shouldn't have had a laptop, she should've been using a communal computer so that everyone could see the content she was accessing. 

Becky, 18 

Becky came into the programme making a joke after a cameraman offered her a drink of water and she said "I'm a Bulimic smoker; my voice is never good!"
Her Mum explained how Becky was viewed as 'weird' as a child and bullied when she was the first one to need braces, had to wear glasses and had other physical disabilities.
Becky's Eating Disorder begun with diets and weighing herself every day and admitted that she wanted to be invisible. She was constantly on the internet; using it at College and then when she got home, and if she wasn't on her laptop then she was on her phone and often engaged in 'competitions' with others to see who could lose the most weight that week. Her and her friends had a book of excuses that they'd use for missing lunchtimes at school and when her Mum found bags of vomit in Becky's room, she worried. Being a nurse, she knew the dangers of bulimia.
Becky began self-harming because she felt that she was showing power over her body and believed that the depth of a cut shouldn't reflect the level of distress as different people self-harm for different reasons. At her lowest point, Becky cut through a deep vein that had to be stitched without anaesthetic because she was losing so much blood, there wasn't time to administer any. At this point, Becky's Mum phoned CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) and they acknowledged things were getting worse and that they could no longer keep Becky safe; she had to be hospitalised. During the admission she became suicidal and at one point her parents thought that the only end to the situation would be if Becky succeeded in committing suicide. "That's when this nightmare would end. And the nightmare would end for Becky too because she was in such pain." 
Becky's sisters sent her letters in hospital to help motivate her into being discharged and although she is now out of hospital, her family still worry for her safety; after drinking one evening, Becky was found by Police on a bridge.

Chrissy, 20
Chrissy felt comfort in seeing others on the internet who had the same trouble as her and was quickly 'sucked in' to an unhealthy community. On her old blog she had 10,000 followers and she said that although you'd get comments from people saying they were worried at how thin you are, you felt they were saying that because they wanted to be thinner. Chrissy struggled with the fact that she was gaining followers and attention for being a 'negative icon.' 
"Very quickly it became the answer to everything" - on inducing vomiting. When the habit got to 15-20 times a day, Chrissy had a seizure during the night from de-hydration.
After abusing laxatives, in the Christmas of 2011, Chrissy became unable to attend college. Se began to feel that she would die and said that in the mornings she would "wake up that I hadn't died during the night."
Chrissy felt she'd become obsessed with cutting in the way that she had her Eating Disorder, she found it best to cut her arms but soon found herself cutting wherever there was room including her stomach and chest. She was incredibly poorly but refused any medical interventions.
The turning point came when Chrissy realised there was nothing more she could do; no more weight she could lose and she threw herself into recovery with the same passion she'd used to harm herself. She has since gotten 2 A grades and one A* at A Level and will be attending York University.

Chelsea Clarke, RIP
Chelsea was always believed to be more mature than her years but she told teachers that she didn't want to grow up.
It became clear Chelsea was self-harming when a sibling found the implements and as her Mum began looking through the internet history. She would scrub at the blood in the bathroom and her parent's said they thought she was a typical teenager wanting to spend time away from family. Her Mum explained how there would be some support from people online but Chelsea focused on all of the nasty, spiteful ones.

When Chelsea's Mum found two belts in her daughter's room she told her husband 'you mark my words; she'll try and hang herself.' Her husband said she was over-reacting.
Her Mum recalls one day when she asked Chelsea to come and walk the dogs with her, and she refused so she went alone. When she and her husband returned home they checked on their children and realised they couldn't open Chelsea's room far. She'd blocked her door with a desk and when they managed to break in, she was found hung from her wardrobe.
Her parents followed the ambulance and were told in A&E that she'd died, her father said to the Doctor "I have one question; how do we tell her brothers and sisters?" The Doctor told them that they'd find the strength.

There were a lot of mixed views on this programme on Twitter with some voicing that the images were triggering for them and that if you watched the programme with no real knowledge of what they were talking about, you'd learn a lot of dangerous 'tips.' Personally, I struggled to understand why they were trying to get across how detrimental the images are on social media but they programme not only showed such emails, but they showed the girls who were so affected, looking at them! That baffled me.

I vlogged in the ad breaks of this programme, you can watch the vlog here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?edit=vd&v=ShucVHJhE1c

I'm also very excited to say that Chrissy and Becky who were featured in the documentary, contacted me on Twitter and will be writing guest posts that will go up ASAP!

And finally, I received a tweet from the trend people to say that #MySelfHarmNightmare was first seen on my TimeLine and was now trending in the UK! Job done :) 

Eleven Steri-Strips

Trigger Warning

On Saturday night, my thoughts got strange.
My Funder has asked me to write down what was going on in my head over the weekend so she can better understand and use it to get me an urgent appointment with my new Consultant. So, I did. . .
The last thing I remember was cuddling up to Dolly, and then there was blood dripping down my leg. The night before I'd picked up a shard of glass from the car park behind my home, and I used it... I called the organisation providing my 'floating support' in the community and was advised to call an ambulance. No way. I called my Mum and she talked to me whilst I stopped hysterically crying and packed a bag to stay at hers for the night. Once I got through the front door, I sunk to the floor in tears; it was one of those moments when just breathing is hard work and tiring. All the old thoughts were there; I wanted to cut away every piece of me that had been touched by the bastard, and I wanted to die. I imagined my Mum being told and her being sad but ultimately, realising that at least I'd find happiness. Needless to say, I took all of the PRN available to me and my meds, and went to sleep, worrying that when I woke, I'd regret cutting.
Mum had helped me put plasters on my leg but I knew it needed steri-strips (stick-on stitches) so, on Sunday morning, I went to minor injuries at A&E. The Doctor made me have an x-ray to ensure there was no glass in the cuts and then it was dressed.
Now, fellow 'service users' will understand when I say; I'm not a cutter... You see, for those who don't; people who self-harm, will often have a particular method or preferred way to do this. For one person, they might cut, daily. For me, it was always about overdosing. I did cut, but that wasn't my go-to self-harm. So, for me to need 11 steri-strips is the worst it gets for me.
I think my one regret is regarding the scarring. I had begun to feel confident about my legs and the biggest cut, which needed all of the steri-strips, is literally about half the length of my thigh! It's one of those things though where you have to judge how acceptable it is to moan about these sort of things when it was you who caused it... I also feel bad for cutting whilst Dolly was in the house, and I missed her so much when I slept at Mum's. I've been trying to make it up to her today!
I was given an urgent appointment with my new Consultant but for all the fuss I put up in wanting her advice on my meds, the appointment barely did me any favours.

Important Changes and Dates

So, the big news of the moment is that this morning I got my discharge date!
SEPTEMBER 15th!!

On my way back from Home Leave today, I was thinking about all of the changes I've made... I used to love the thought of me killing myself and everyone blaming the person who hurt me. Everyone thinking it was his fault. But now? He's not that important! Yes, he took a piece of my life but that's all it was; ONE piece! And that would be a massive amount if I died so young but having a long future ahead of me means that the piece? Is tiny. Miniscule, compared to how much is ahead.
It's also now important to me that people know I have done more. I am not just my trauma and my reaction. I'm not just BPD. I'm not just the sectioned girl in bedroom 11. I'm not just the 'poorly' friend or family member. I'm not just the girl with scars.
I don't want to die and have my Mum just remember finding me that time in the bathroom. I don't want to die and have the girls on the ward reminiscing about all those times I jumped over the fence and managed to sneak paracetamol to my room. I want to be remembered for more than my ill mental health and amount of scars and overdoses.
When I finally pass away; I want people to be saying "wow that girl overcame so much" and "what an inspiration." I want to be remembered for helping others in getting help quicker than I could. I want to be remembered for helping minimize the stigma of mental health. I want to my remembered as the Co-Founder of YDM. As a successful blogger. And ultimately, as a good person.


Whilst I was on home leave 27th-29th, I attended an interview at a college near to where I'll be going to on September 15th. It went well and I was offered an unconditional place on their Counselling course.

Honestly - A guest blog/poem by Laura May

Nobody wants the truth.

Just picture
the look on their faces if I declared,
bold as brass,
that I did this to myself.

Yes, honestly,
I made these incisions,
Up and down
My own tender arm,
It is a ladder,
to my truth.

Imagine, imagine,
The gasp in their mouths,
Should I confess
that only I
am responsible
for this criss-crossing map.

Honestly, the truth

is a dagger, a shaft,
it will slice deeper
than you want it to,
I promise,

You don’t want it, my loves.


Laura May
@lauramaywritten

"The scars that you have made mean you have to lie" - A guest blog by Stacey Dymond

1. Can you remember when you first realised you were mentally ill? What made you realise? How did this make you feel? And what did you do in response?

I first realised that there was something 'wrong' when I took my first overdose. This made me feel guilty, ashamed, upset, angry, hurt and scared because I didn't know what was wrong and I hurt my family by attempting to take my life. I talked to my mum and the professional at A+ E which helped me a lot and reassured me that people do care.   

2. Which of your 'symptoms' of your mental health diagnosis bothers you the most? And why?

There are two symptoms of my mental health that bother me the most; the first is the auditory hallucinations that tell me to hurt others; I don't want to be a violent person and I don't want to hurt other people. The second, is self harm because afterwards you have to deal with the guilt of what you have done to yourself and also, you have to deal with the scars. Gone are the times when you can be 'normal' and wear what you want; the scars that you have made mean you have to lie and constantly cover up or you risk being stigmatised.     

3. Have you experienced any stigma because of your mental health?

Yes; when people find out that you have got mental health problems, the minority of the people will say nasty comments which make me feel ashamed and guilty.  

4. Have you had any positive experiences as a results of your mental health? (e.g. meeting new people etc)

Positive experiences have been making new, lasting and positive friendships due to being in hospitals. Also, it has helped me to be a stronger person and given me ideas for a future career.

5. What was your 'lowest' point and how did you overcome it?

I have had a lot of low points but the lowest point was when I first found out that I had mental health problems and got sent to a specialist place miles and miles away from my family and friends.    

6. What have you found most useful in aiding your recovery, and why?

Therapy because it has taught me the skills to cope and manage my mental health problems. Also having the support of close family and friends because it given me the strength and motivation to carry on.         

7. What would be your advice to anyone struggling?

My advice to anyone struggling would be to tell them that they are not alone, talk to someone they trust and get the help they need by going to a professional such as their GP. In an emergency, go straight to A&E because there will be people there such as a social worker that they can talk to. If there is no one that you trust ring a helpline such as the Samartians on 08457 90 90

8. What are your plans for your future?

My plans for the future are to study to become a mental health social worker so I can help other people with mental health problems.

Stacey can be contacted on Facebook.