5 THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH

“Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together.”

Taylor Swift

Having recently experienced a relapse in my mental health journey (you can read more about it at its very worst in this blog post: TW | “SHE’S ACTUALLY JUMPED! GET AMBULANCE ON LIGHTS & SIREN!” | WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE, DURING, & AFTER YOU JUMP, LESSONS LEARNT, & LOTS OF ADVICE | I'm NOT Disordered), I’m finally in a much better and safer place mentally and, a few days ago (at the time of writing) I was discharged from the caseload of my local Crisis Team. The entire relapse really brought home the fact that professionals tend to miss out or skirt over the fact that recovery isn’t linear and so, they’re often promoting this idea of once you’re in recovery that’s it; you’re better forever. When this simply isn’t true, and – I feel – it does more harm to not prepare someone to still need to face difficult days. So, with this in mind, I was inspired to write this blog post about other things professionals leave unsaid about mental health…

TW | EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BEING UNDER THE CARE OF THE CRISIS TEAM | PART THREE OF THREE

*This is Part Three of Three, you can read Part One here, and Part Two is here!*

So, if you’re put on caseload, almost from the offset, the Team will want to try to work with you to create some sort of plan – this can refer to a regime around changes they may want to make to your medication, the number of visits they want to offer you, and even when they think they can foresee your discharge from them as being. This – the bit about discharge – can seem counterintuitive when you’ve just been put on caseload, and you can often and understandably get the feeling that they’re already trying to ‘get rid’ of you! But that’s not why they do this.

TW | EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BEING UNDER THE CARE OF THE CRISIS TEAM | PART TWO OF THREE

*This is Part Two of Three, you can read Part One here!*

TW | EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BEING UNDER THE CARE OF THE CRISIS TEAM | PART ONE OF THREE

“Successful people recognize crisis as a time for change - from lesser to greater, smaller to bigger.”

Edwin Louis Cole

*This is Part One of Three*

As you may know from a previous blog post titled ‘TW | “SHE’S ACTUALLY JUMPED! GET AMBULANCE ON LIGHTS AND SIREN!” | WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE, DURING, & AFTER YOU JUMP, LESSONS LEARNT, & LOTS OF ADVICE’ (which you can read here), I’ve recently gone through a very big, unsafe relapse in my mental health recovery. On August 24^th, as a result of a delusional belief to jump from a bridge near my home, the Crisis Team told me they would be out within the next 24 hours to assess me. At their assessment – after I had jumped – they decided to prescribe Zopiclone (as one reason for my relapse was a lack of sleep) and put me on caseload stating that it would be for at least one week. As it happens, six days later, things are improving and on August 30^th, I was officially discharged. My week with them – and previous experiences under their care – have inspired and informed this blog post where I’d like to provide insight and advice around working with the Crisis Team…

TW | “SHE’S ACTUALLY JUMPED! GET AMBULANCE ON LIGHTS & SIREN!” | WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE, DURING, & AFTER YOU JUMP, LESSONS LEARNT, & LOTS OF ADVICE

“…Like, it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do... So, you just keep quiet.”

Ned Vizzini

In the early hours of August 24^th, 2025, I jumped from a small bridge near my home which crosses a disused railway track. In this blog post, I’d like to share everything that happened before it, during it, and after it. This post is not intended as ‘attention-seeking’ but instead, to raise awareness of a lot of different issues which crop up throughout it and I want to do that (raise awareness) to help others. To help those who have also jumped, to feel less alone. To help professionals see good, helpful, and supportive work. To help provide the loved ones of those who have jumped with some sort of insight. The content also is definitely not intended as any sort of negative or unsafe influence. Nor do I want it to upset or trigger anyone – hence the ‘Trigger Warning’ in the title; if it does, please visit the blog’s Help Directory and reach out for professional support where relevant/necessary. With all of that said, thank you all for providing me with the platform to hopefully do some good with my content and to experience the personal, therapeutic benefits I receive in writing like this; I might have created I’m NOT Disordered, but it wouldn’t be where it is today without all of you – and for that, I am eternally grateful…

EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT DISPUTES IN MENTAL HEALTH | INCLUDING ARGUMENTS AMONGST PROFESSIONALS & HELPFUL LINKS

“The only part of an argument that really matters is what we think of the people arguing.”

Kim Stanley Robinson

 There was a point in my mental health journey – not necessarily the recovery part – where I had this sudden realisation that disputes were becoming so frequent that they were almost natural reactions to anything even slightly worthy of disputing. The development of that automatic response meant that I actually wasn’t even realising or aware that I was doing it half of the time it was happening! Through having Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) as a psychiatric hospital inpatient, I learnt a lot about properly handling yourself to be the best possible version of yourself during a dispute, as well as learning the whole saying of choosing your battles and these are lessons, I still stand by. I – and my mental health in particular – have benefited a lot from this improved understanding and change in attitude and behaviour so I wanted to spread the new-found knowledge to others…

ALL MY CURRENT THOUGHTS & FEELINGS AFTER TWO MASSIVE FAILINGS BY THE CRISIS TEAM

A lot has gone on recently in my mental health journey, and as I came to recognise that I hadn’t posted any new content in over one week and started trying to think of what to blog about, I realised that it’s been a long time since I’ve talked about recent goings on! Like, I feel as though a lot of my most recent posts have largely been collaborations and reflective, regarding advice I’d give or things I’ve learnt rather than what’s actually currently happening in my life. And now that a number of pretty big things have happened this past week, I felt inspired and – to be honest – compelled to blog about them. I really want for this post to take I’m NOT Disordered back to its very roots in the fact that it was created to blog about my mental health and what was happening for me in the psychiatric hospital I was an inpatient in at the time, and I don’t want the very valid fact that blogging is (still) therapeutic for me, to get lost among adverts, awareness dates, freebies, events, and complimentary experiences…

AN INTERRUPTION TO BLOGMAS UNBOXED | TW: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE

I honestly can’t believe what I’m about to blog about… I mean, it happened over a week ago, but it still feels surreal. And I still find it extremely difficult to actually even just say the words because they continue to feel dramatic and unbelievable. I mean, a little while after I first became poorly – and right around the time I was given the Personality Disorder diagnosis! – I was labelled an attention-seeker and dramatic countless times by mental health professionals. And in all honesty, the sentence I’m about to say feels like I’m fulfilling all those remarks… In the early hours of Friday 8^th December 2023, I jumped from a bridge…

DISCHARGE AFTER 35 DAYS ON THE CRISIS TEAM’S CASELOAD

“The power we discover inside ourselves as we survive a life-threatening experience can be utilised equally well outside of crisis too. I am, in every moment, capable of mustering the strength to survive again – or of tapping that strength in other good, productive, healthy ways.”

Michele Mosenthal

Having had a horrific psychiatric hospital admission in February this year (which resulted in filing a complaint to CQC and discovering the ward I was on ended up on the news because they had actually been put under ‘Special Measures’ in their most recent inspection) I found myself briefly under the care of the Crisis Team before being transferred to the Step-Up Team. However, I quickly established the realisation that they were actually making things worse – I felt that I was almost feeling pressured to be poorly so as to not waste their time and to feel deserving of their efforts! Apparently upon discharging me, the Step Up Team told my Mum that I self-refer back to them so when – a few months later – I found myself struggling again, I gave them a call, and on August 23^rd I had an assessment with someone from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). She validated that my current symptoms and the reasons for my lack of safety are completely different to those when I struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and said she would be recommending I go under the care of the Crisis Team. Two days later – August 25^th – I was put on their caseload…

WHAT IT’S REALLY LIKE TO BE UNDER THE CARE OF THE CRISIS TEAM

“Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When ‘I’ is replaced with ‘we.’ Illness becomes wellness”

Shannon L Alder

The Crisis Team are definitely an element of mental health which is misunderstood, and the Teams are often the ones who receive the most negative feedback. In this post, and as someone who is currently under the care of the Crisis Team, I hope to promote a better understanding of them and instil hope in others to utilise their local Team for help and support in a mental health crisis.


The first instance

My first memory of an interaction with the Crisis Team is from 2009 when I had attempted suicide through taking an overdose. Somehow my Mum knew I had done it and she tried to convince me to go to hospital for the potentially life-saving antidote treatment. I refused and she asked what she was supposed to do, and I remember telling her “ring the Crisis Team because it sounds like you’re in a crisis!” To be honest, I don’t remember actually speaking to the Crisis Team, but they came to the house and arranged for me to have a Mental Health Act assessment with two Psychiatrists and an AMHP (Approved Mental Health Practitioner). I was detained under Section 2 of the 1983 Act and the Crisis Team opened the door to allow six Police to march in, restrain me, handcuff me, and carry me out to their van.

A CHAT ABOUT TRUST IN MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES | TW

After self-harming over a week ago I was put under the care of the Northumberland,Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust Crisis Resolution Home Treatment Team (or the Crisis Team basically!) and on the day before I was discharged from their caseload I self-harmed again. When I did it the staff arrived to see me and ended up taking me to A&E for stitches. When they went on to their next visit with another service user, they ended up leaving my care plan at that person’s house and as soon as they realized they returned to the house and got it back. Then I got a phone call with an apology to tell me what had happened and that the Team had reported the breach of data protection. The support worker who called me asked if I wanted the complaints procedure and it didn’t take me long to reply with ‘no.’ I think he was surprised but I came to that conclusion because I knew that the Team had done all that they could to rectify the situation; they’d realized what had happened, gotten the care plan back, reported it, and apologized to me. It was that last bit that really helped in my decision not to make a formal complaint. I’ve talked before about how important apologies are to me and how I think they’re essential in mental health because they’re the cornerstone of building – or maintaining trust in a person or a service. The Manager of the service called me and asked if there was anything else they could do because she didn’t want me thinking that I couldn’t trust the Team and therefore wouldn’t utilize them as support in a crisis. But that trust has been maintained with the apology.

MY THOUGHTS ON DISCUSSING DISCHARGE IN MENTAL HEALTH

“Are we talking about discharge right now?!”

“Well it has to happen eventually!”

After my recent mental health crisis, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust’s Crisis Resolution Home Treatment Team carried out an assessment at my home and I was admitted to their caseload. From the offset, the plan was that I’d be with them until Tuesday (today!) when my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) returned to work and they would have a discussion to review whether I still needed to be on caseload and it’s made me think about the subject of discharge in mental health…



CLARITY

I’ll be honest, that first year of me being poorly is a bit of a blur; but I do remember that my first admission to a psychiatric hospital was the epitome of confusing and scary. I hadn’t long turned 18 so I was admitted straight into an adult ward and having had no contact with the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS), I had no understanding of anything mental health - including the Act of law that I was being detained under (Section 2 of the Mental Health Act 1983)! To be fair, I think that everyone was so busy being worried about me that they didn’t have the time to explain anything and inevitably, after two weeks, no one explained the discharge process either. I didn’t know that after being sectioned you have to be allocated a CPN in a Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and I didn’t know what that even meant - what it would entail.

THANK YOUS IN THE MIDST OF A BLIP

Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game

-          Gravity from Wicked

I’m happy to finally be able to say that the most recent ‘blip’ in my mental health recovery seems to be coming to an end! Just like the beginning of this, I can pinpoint the trigger of it. I’ve talked a lot about how my abuser’s new job role sparked off a lot of old thoughts and feelings that led to a lot of old coping strategies but now I can finally talk about the causes of my stabilizing.

I think that the first thing was when I was asked whether there should be a phone call to the RSPCA to get my pets rehomed because if I was so intent on committing suicide then it wouldn’t be fair on them. Another trigger was the impact my suicidal intent had on those closest to me. It was a bit of a wake-up call – a common feeling for those who are suicidal is the belief that their friends and family will be better off without them. I too had this thought, but their reactions became evidence to the contrary. I realized – the hard way – that I was loved and when my Twitter was flooded with positive messages and hopes that I ‘feel better soon’ I really learnt that my work – this blog – was helping others and was told that without it, people might just give up hope. Sometimes, when you don’t want to be alive, the only way to move through it is to stay alive for the sake of others. That, at least, buys you some time to work on your thoughts and feelings until it you actually, finally, begin to feel better about yourself. The final trigger for this stabilization was the negative interaction I had with a particular Police Officer from the Northumbria Police force.

“MENTAL HEALTH COMES IN EPISODES” “MINE FEELS LONGER THAN A MOVIE!”

S

So, I’ve talked a few times now (here and here) about the news I got that the person who abused me now has a higher role in his job, but unlike most things I’ve blogged about, I still haven’t seemed to have worked through it. I’m having the same view on it as I did with the actual abuse; I could talk about it until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t make it go away. It won’t make it un-happen! So, I’m left with ‘well how do I cope with it?’

Through my mental health recovery, I’ve gotten used to moving through things by talking or writing about it and using my Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills effortlessly. So effortless that I’ve not had to make a conscious decision to use them or a choice as to which I do use. They’re just there!

Understandably, this new thing has really thrown me off balance, because all of the healthy coping strategies are no longer so easy to come by. And I guess that’s why I sort of fell apart on Saturday (02.03.2019). I self-harmed and called the Crisis Team. They were brilliant, but then they said they’d have to send an ambulance I ran away, and they called the Police.

GETTING AN UPDATE ON MY ABUSER | HOW I COPED & WHAT I DID

So, yesterday I found out that the person who hurt me, now has a new role in his job that potentially gives him an even higher chance for him to do it all again to someone else!

I had some very confusing and contradictory emotions and thoughts about it all last night and now that I’ve powered through them and come out the other side feeling much safer, I thought I’d blog about what those were, in the hope that it'll show people just what you can make it through.

At first, I think I was in shock but then the contradictory feeling was that I also wasn’t surprised. His job title is an absolute joke in light of what he’s been accused of and arrested for; but at the same time, there was no evidence so how can anyone deny him of such an opportunity in his career? Then it’s like the Crisis Team said when I called them, although he’s been granted those new responsibilities, it could purely be so that the organization he works for can’t be sued for unfair treatment because he was never found guilty! The Crisis Team also pointed out that his colleagues will be aware of the allegation because he was arrested in his place of work and they may be keeping a closer eye on him because of it.

ALL OF MY THANK YOU’S FOR 2018 | HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

Previous New Years with I'm NOT Disordered:

2013/2014 featured a list (what I didn’t achieve from it, carried on to 2014/2015) but now, in 2017, I’ve now achieved/completed the entire list - 12/12!

2014/2015 was a list of goals for the year ahead – and if you go read it and are wondering, I did/have done 9/10

2015/2016 featured a short list of upcoming projects, plans, and goals for the year ahead.

2016/2017 I celebrated with a completely new design – I can’t believe I’ve had this new logo for a year! I guess I need to stop calling it my new logo! I also asked myself – and some others – two questions: 1. What was one of your favourite things about 2016? And 2. What one thing are you looking forward to in 2017?

To mark the end of 2018, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all those who have made the year so very special.

*To all those not specifically mentioned (you know who you are) I have an equal amount of gratitude for you too! But there’s only so long a post can be before people stop reading it!*

People:

Mum, thank you for: never straying from my side, always trusting me, playing with Emmy when I’m too tired to, putting faith and determination into my recovery, making the phonecalls that would make me anxious, the laughs and inside jokes, the hugs when I cry and the tears when you’re proud.  

WHY I DON'T TAKE MY OWN ADVICE

“If there was someone else in this position, what would you say to them?”

This is something I’ve been asked so often by all manner of different professionals (mainly the Police though) in my recent mental health relapse. And so, this has been my motivation in writing this blog post.

Because usually my answer would be “I’d advise them to contact the Crisis Team” or “I’d tell them it’s important to take your medication unless otherwise instructed by a Doctor” and even “I’d say that they should co-operate with staff.”

And yet, in all the situations where this advice has been relevant; I have done the exact opposite. I’ve been reluctant to call the Crisis Team. I’ve stopped my medication without medical approval. And I’ve been uncooperative with staff.

FIVE LESSONS MY MENTAL HEALTH RELAPSE HAS TAUGHT ME

1.     To ‘self-soothe’ more

      Self-soothe is probably one of my favourite – and most used – Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skill. For so many years I was hard on myself and blamed myself for everything that went wrong in my life. Even the abuse. I thought that I was a bad person and had deserved all of these bad things in my life; the abuse, the bullying, the self-harm, the hallucinations… everything! For a while, I believed that I didn’t even deserve to be alive. So – perhaps – understandably, self-soothing was a particularly difficult skill for me to put into practice and even harder to eventually master. But being nice to myself felt so good that I fought the voices in my head that were trying to convince me that I should be hurting myself and not helping myself. I told them that I’d punished myself enough and that after all these years of self-harming and attempting suicide, I deserved to enjoy simple things. And that’s what my self-soothe techniques are; simple things. Like, lighting a candle, having a shower, doing my makeup or my hair, playing with my pets, spending time on The Sims, writing, reading, watching America’s Got Talent on Netflix… little things like that can sometimes make all the difference when I’m struggling with voices telling me that I’m useless and worthless and deserve to die.

2.     The importance of medication

The catalyst for this relapse has been that I stopped taking the medication I’m on for my mental health (Mirtazapine, Lamotrigine,

FROM CUTS TO CARLISLE | HOW I CHANGED MY MENTAL HEALTH AROUND IN A WEEK

*Note: This post contains talk of self-harm*

Last Friday (15^th June) I had a complete mental health crisis in the form of two dissociative episodes within hours of one another.

One minute I was at home watching Netflix and the next thing I knew I was staring at a huge cut in the palm of my hand, blood dripping from it and covering the floor; which was littered in pieces of a broken cup. I still can’t for certain that I smashed the cup on purpose and cut myself but since I’ve done that in the past it seems like the logical explanation(!) I think that the only thing stopping me from accepting that as the case is the fear that comes with it. If I’m capable of completely switching off from the world and self-harming without knowing it, then what the hell else am I capable of doing?!

24 HOURS WITH A CRISIS TEAM SERVICE USER | VLOG

You guys know how I love to vlog and you probably also know that I’m no ‘YouTuber.’ I can edit small clips together into one long video and that’s it! So, excuse the messiness of this but I wanted to illustrate that people – including myself (years ago), have a perceived idea of what a person who is under the care of the Crisis Team might look like, sound life, and act like.

I hope that this video demolishes any assumptions and stigma on this.