AND THE YEAR 2023 IS COMING TO AN END… | PART TWO

“She remembered who she was, and the game changed.”

Lalah Deliah

*YOU CAN READ PART ONE HERE* 

Pimkie Suede Knee High Boot: £51.00

Embellished Jumper: £40.00

Too Faced Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara: £13.00

e.l.f Liquid Glitter Eyeshadow: £6.00

Brave Soul Cardigan: £42.00

THE TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE FAMILY: GRACIE & RUBY

With my calico rescue cat, Emmy, being put to sleep in October 2022, we started off the year as a family of two with just Luna (my black and white mini-Lionhead lop eared bunny) and I. But when Emmy was put to sleep, I asked the Vet what the best thing would be for Luna and almost without seeming to take the time to think about it, she replied with “get her a friend.” As the weeks went by without Emmy though, I found myself enjoying building a better bond with Luna who had always just spent the majority of her time following Emmy around and had never really been affectionate with me. Without Emmy though, she was now following me around the home (my bunnies are free-roam) and was always stretching up on her back feet to nudge me for a stroke or a cuddle. Then she started taking the cat tunnel in her mouth and running with it in circles; myself and everyone else who either saw when they visited the house or watched my videos of her doing it, laughed and thought it was really cute. But actually; it turned out to have been a form of repetitive behaviour that illustrated boredom and loneliness.

DAY SIX OF BLOGMAS UNBOXED 2023: A CHAT ABOUT SPENDING EQUAL TIME WITH LOVED ONES, SOME PHOTOS, A REEL, & MY PURCHASES FROM MY TWO TRIPS TO WHITLEY BAY’S CHRISTMAS MARKET AT THE SPANISH CITY | IN COLLABORATION WITH PHOENIX COVE

PhoenixCove - Etsy UK

https://www.instagram.com/phoenixcove.co/

https://www.facebook.com/phoenixcove.co

https://www.tiktok.com/@phoenixcove.co

Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!

 Last year, I visited the Whitley Bay Christmas Market in their lovely building known as the Spanish City with a best-friend and we had such a good time that we decided to go back this year. Then, in hearing how amazing it was, my Mum wanted to go too so I ended up visiting it on the Saturday (25^th November) with Martin Baker of www.gumonmyshoe.com and then on the Sunday (26^th) I went with my Mum. Doing those two trips has inspired me to chat a bit about the importance and challenges you face in trying to spend equal amounts of time with each of your loved ones. I’ll also be adding some photos from the Markets, telling you about my purchases, and there’ll be an Instagram reel at the end of the post…

HOW I’VE MADE IT THIS FAR | MY NEW BOOK IS AVAILABLE TO BUY NOW!!! | PART 1 OF 4

Buy You’re NOT Disordered NOW!!

*This post is the first of 4 which will be published every day for the following 3 days!*  

If you’ve read I’m NOT Disordered for a while or have seen the cover graphic to the left of the blog posts, then you’ll probably know that I released a book a few years ago called Everything Disordered (which you can also buy on Amazon - just click on the cover!) and I was honestly worried that having already written a book, the importance and meaning would be taken away in publishing another. Fortunately, the entire process of YND – from having the idea for it to the publication party and everything in between! – has (for so many reasons) felt massively different from that which I experienced with my first book. And one of the largest differences has been the sense of achievement and the notion that it really is a true testament to the progress I’ve made; both in my blogging career and in my mental health recovery journey…

EVERYTHING ALL OF YOU MEAN TO ME | I’M NOT DISORDERED’S 10TH BIRTHDAY PARTY

For the third time in my blogging career, I hosted another party to celebrate a milestone I’m NOT Disordered and I have reached (the previous two were for reaching 100,000 readers and then reaching 1,000,000), and I have to admit, I think it was actually my favourite one of them all! With the previous two events being quite large and formal, I wanted to do something more informal and intimate. I mean, at the 100k party, I had 100 guests and a few were merely plus one’s for the people who I did know! And then not many people were able to come to my one million party because of the coronavirus pandemic and subsequent lockdown. So, keeping in mind that nothing ever goes perfectly, I decided to host this party at a local café (Dolly Dimples) for nine of the most important people in my life and it’s that which has inspired this post about how much all of the party attendees, and you (as my readers) mean to me…

MENTAL HEALTH & FRIENDSHIPS | IN COLLABORATION WITH THE DESIGN PARLOUR | DISCOUNT CODE INCLUDED!!!

So, this post has been a long time in the making! Its inspiration actually came when I was gift hunting for the Birthday of three of my five best-friends who were all celebrating in the same month (March!). So, I found some lovely customisable prints on Etsy from The Design Parlour, and we decided to team up to bring you this blog post of a chat about the impact mental health can have on friendships, and we’ve even thrown in a huge discount code…

WHY IT’S AN ACHIEVEMENT TO MAKE FRIENDS WHILST EXPERIENCING TRAUMA

“A best friend is the only one that walks into your life when the world has walked out”

Shannon Alder

The best friend I met first was Sophie in 2006/2007. Now, if you’ve read, I’m NOT Disordered for a while now, you’ll know that the abuse I experienced started in 2006 so meeting Sophie around that time was pretty special and important. I mean, whilst the years my mental health was at its most poorly were horrific and challenging, the time during the actual abuse was the most overwhelming and difficult in my life. I was so full of anger and hatred towards almost everyone who mattered in my life because no one recognised what was happening to me and so, no one stopped it.

Meeting Sophie during that really frustrating time meant I felt a whole lot less isolated and alone. I mean, she didn’t know about it either, but to see that I was capable of building a new friendship whilst feeling the way I did and thinking the things I did? Well, that gave me hope. It left me thinking that if I could challenge those lonely thoughts and emotions by adding someone to my life, I might just get through it. I might just survive. Sophie made me feel stronger and more positive at a time when it felt like I had been feeling the exact opposite for forever!

BUDGET BLOGMAS | DAY FOURTEEN: BUDGET GIFT GUIDE: FRIENDS

Hello and welcome to I’m NOT Disordered’s Budget Blogmas!

I’ve decided to use today to share with you all a little gift guide filled with a range of gifts for all of the friends in your life, and for a whole range of budgets!

The Little Jar of Happy Quotes about Friendship: £12.99

Wooden Coaster: £3.99

Our Adventures Scrapbook: £13.99

Customized Friendship Print: £10.95

Friendship Keyring: £8.99

 

VALENTINES WITH MY BEST-FRIENDS | HAPPY VALENTINES DAY 2021

In the past, being a single Blogger on Valentines Day made creating content on your blog and social media slightly more difficult than if you had a partner who you could write about or share the day with. Now, though? There are so many versions of the day where people are starting to acknowledge the importance best-friends (or even friends and colleagues) can have on a person and why that makes it completely reasonable to show your love and gratitude to them on Valentine’s Day.

So, here I am taking this opportunity to show my love for my best-friends…

Lauren, because of her way of making everything into something aesthetically pleasing:

“Women are the largest untapped reservoir of talent in the world”

Hillary Clinton

 

For Georgie, for her difficult days at work:

“Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn”

Harriet Beecher-Stowe

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK 2020 POST THREE | SPENDING TIME WITH OTHERS

“If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you”

Winnie The Pooh

The abuse started whilst I was in High School and when I began acting out at School because of the pent-up frustration of keeping it a secret, I quickly lost my friends. To them, I was either being a drama queen (a phrase I hate!) or a rebel. Either way, they found my attitude and behaviour annoying and I began getting bullied by the people I had once called my friends. Unlike a lot of people, I spoke up about the bullying straight away and unlike a lot of occasions, the telling off they had from a Teacher actually got through to them and the bullying stopped. 


When it did, I felt so alone and was desperate to build new friendships, but I was also very cautious too. I had the thought process that I didn’t want anyone getting too close to me because it would make it harder for me to hide the abuse from them and it felt as though – for so many reasons – telling someone wasn’t an option. I was also worried because the person who abused had built a relationship with me first and I’d trusted and respected him (the Police labelled this grooming), so I was nervous that building that sort of friendship would make me vulnerable for them to hurt or upset me. 

BLOGMAS 2019 – POST NINETEEN : LALEELAND LDN | ETSY COLLABORATION | AD

Thanks to a poll on my Twitter back in November, my wonderful followers decided that I should publish a blog post and film a vlog every day for the entirety of December! 

So welcome to December 19th…

Today is all about my collaboration with one very special brand on Etsy, in this post I’ll be reviewing the products they sent to me and on December 23rd you can enter a competition to win these products and the remaining one that I’ll be reviewing in two days’ time!



This post is in collaboration with the incredible London-based Etsy store; Laleeland LDN who kindly gifted me a few products; namely the Serotonin and the ‘keep going, be brave, be strong’ bracelets but also some other bits that will be a surprise for the lucky competition winner!

For this post, I thought I’d concentrate on taking inspiration from the Serotonin bracelet which has a purple band and is made up of the chemical symbol for Serotonin (which I think is such a genius idea!). So, I’ll be talking about the top five things to make me happy…

1.    My Mum

Of course, Mum come first! For my entire life it has been Mum and I as a little team but boy, do we make a strong team! Hopefully, just saying that will help you to understand the magnitude of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away from home for two and a half years. To be honest, in the beginning, I think that I was so mentally unwell that it really didn’t hit me being so far away from Mum until a few months into my admission.


Getting leave to go home every so often wasn’t enough and it was so incredibly hard to then leave Mum all over again and go back to the hospital where I didn’t know when I’d next be allowed to leave (I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act).

BLOGMAS 2019 – POST THIRTEEN : YANA UK | ETSY COLLABORATION | AD

Thanks to a poll on my Twitter back in November, my wonderful followers decided that I should publish a blog post and film a vlog every day for the entirety of December!

So welcome to December 13th…

Today is all about my collaboration with one very special brand on Etsy, in this post I’ll be reviewing the products they sent to me and on December 23rd you can enter a competition to win these products and the remaining four that I’ll be reviewing every other day this month!

In recognition of the slogan on this YANA UK t-shirt (‘you are not alone’), I thought I’d take this opportunity to talk about finding your tribe of people who can help to make you feel less alone, and I wanted to recognize - and thank - the people who do this for me.


I was brought up as the only young person in a really small family with just five immediate family members – no cousins, one Aunt, one Uncle, one set of grandparents, and one (fantastic) parent. On the one hand this was brilliant because it meant that we had more special relationships and had the opportunity to have a varied support system with each family member bringing something different to my life. On the other hand, it also meant that any disagreements were magnified and tended to affect and impact the entire family.

BEHIND THE SCENES: CHRISTMAS ON A PSYCHIATRIC WARD

Even with the startling statistic that one in four people in the UK will experience mental ill health at some point in their lives, the chance that someone will be in a psychiatric hospital at Christmas, is minimal and I’d like to think that my blog is largely about providing insight into aspects of mental health that lots of people might not really comprehend. I hope that in doing so, it will help people to be a lot more understanding for those of us who do have these experiences. So, I thought it might be interesting to give readers an insight into what it’s actually like to spend Christmastime in a psychiatric hospital…

For new readers and to give a bit of background… 


Two years after being abused from 2006 until 2007, I began hallucinating and within ten days I became suicidal and took an overdose. I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act and spent the following three years in and out of hospitals – both medical and psychiatric. Finally, a Psychiatrist recommended that I be admitted to a long-term, specialist hospital and I began undergoing assessments with some such hospitals. The first two hospitals weren’t secure and wouldn’t accept my flight risk but when I heard that the third operated on timetabled day with intensive therapy, I refused to go. Then, in July 2012, I attempted suicide again and refused to have the lifesaving antidote to the overdose I’d taken so I was detained under the Mental Capacity Act and sedated to be put on life support for the duration of the treatment. When I woke up, the first thing I was told was that I’d be going to the psychiatric hospital I’d refused to go to, over 100 miles from home.

When I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act (1983) within twenty-four hours of being in the hospital, I realized that there was little chance of me being discharged before Christmas. Then, in November 2012, when I was recovering from an overdose I’d taken after going AWOL, I realized that there was equally as little chance of me managing to kill myself before Christmas too. So, I began preparing for my first Christmas away from home.

WHY IT’S ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE FAMILY

So, the other night I went to the Birthday party (with live music from We Steal Flyers) of my best-friend (Lauren)’s Mum (Julie) and a lot about the night inspired this blog post.

The Dewars
Since our regular nights out in 2011, Lauren and I have always said her family (namely her Mum, Dad, and Brother) are like a second family because I was constantly at their house and they treat me like a second Daughter! We were all always in Lauren’s room or the Kitchen, drinking vodka and laughing at YouTube fail videos and then there were the very few nights in when we’d watch Mock The Week, drink wine, and play with the dogs!

BEST FRIENDS & MENTAL HEALTH

ps. i have so many pics with my besties that i decided to just include this one because I think it sums up friendship perfectly! 

With it recently being Best Friends Day, I was inspired to write this post all about why friendship is so important in mental health…


Growing up, I don’t think I ever paid much attention to my friendships, and that doesn’t mean I was isolated and didn’t have any. It was just that I wasn’t really conscious of the possibility that I could be friendless and that meant I wasn’t very appreciative of the fact that I had three best friends who I’d do everything with! 


I felt like this all through First School until we started Middle School and each of us found their own friendship groups. It seemed to be fairly natural and with us all being in different classes anyway it’s kind of just made sense that we’d find other friends who were in our class. A huge milestone and test in the group’s friendship came when one of my friends lost her mother very suddenly. Our other two friends had no real reaction – that I know of – but I (and my Mum!) were there for her and her family in a flash, and our friendship seemed to repair itself a little for the duration of Middle School.

THE TEN BIGGEST IMPACTS ON MY PERSONALITY | IN COLLABORATION WITH FUTURE LEARN AND MONASH UNIVERSITY | AD

I wrote recently (here) about my thoughts on personality after beginning the Monash University course (via futurelearn.com); Introduction to Psychology: The Psychology of Personality. On completing week two of the course, I got thinking about all of the things that can impact a person’s personality. I mean, I talked in my first post about how I believe that ‘personality’ is who you are but that doesn’t mean that I think it’s ingrained in you – that it’s natural or always stable throughout all kinds of circumstances and situations. I 100% believe that your personality can be shaped by external events and how you internalize these, how they change your views on the world and the way you react in different situations. 

MY TOP TEN FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT BLOGGING

1.      Being able to meet like-minded people

It’s obvious that you won’t always see eye-to-eye with everyone in life but having huge aspects of your life in common with others gives you a pretty good opportunity of meeting people who you’ll identify with. I only have one friend who has a Blog (Marty from gumonmyshoe.com) and I’d honestly be lost without him! It’s so helpful to have someone who truly understands some of the challenges and accomplishments I go through from having I’m NOT Disordered. He knows that when I’m on my phone while we’re out together it doesn’t mean I’m being rude or prioritizing my notifications over friend-time. And he appreciates what a huge achievement it is to land a new collaboration with another organization/individual.

2.      Having the opportunity to empty my mind

When I started to blog from the Psychiatric Hospital in 2013, it was all about getting my thoughts out of my head and it especially became about venting through the drama that would go on between other inpatients and staff. There was a lot of explosive relationships on that ward and sometimes hiding in my room wasn’t enough of an escape from the yelling, aggression and swearing. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that I was never a part of the arguments, but blogging gave me a more productive outlet and helped me reign in my frustrations when things were getting really heated.

CELEBRATING TWELVE YEARS WITH LAUREN | MY VISIT TO COLDSTREAM

If you didn’t see my last post, then you may have missed the reason that last weekend was special to me. April 20^th is twelve years since the abuse I suffered, ended. 2007 was also the year that I first met Lauren Dewar. We’ve been best-friends now for twelve years. And I decided that she was one of the few people I wanted to spend such a significant and important day with. Some people might be surprised that I wanted to spend the day with anyone; like I should have taken the day to myself to think about things but twelve years ago, April 20^th was probably the loneliest day of my life. Telling my abusers’ ‘boss’ what he had done and being called a ‘manipulative liar’ resulted in me feeling like I had no one in my corner. Like there was literally no one in the world on my side. So of course, I wanted to spend the anniversary with one of the people I love the most in the world.

WHY I USED TO TEST PEOPLE

Draft number two of this post; here we go!


So, a very good friend of mine; Martin Baker, wrote a blog post recently titled ‘Or Maybe You Were an Asshole’ where he talked about people pushing one another away and I thought that based on my experience, I could maybe expand on it from a different angle…


One of the many ‘symptoms’ of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, but now called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) is unstable relationships.  I learnt of this when my diagnosis of BPD first became official and I began to research the Disorder then read about the numerous ‘symptoms’ that made up the diagnostic criteria (at that time). I might have learnt about it then, but I don’t think I’d ever experienced it in my life until I actually began to suffer from the mental health Disorder! Up until I my first overdose, my relationships with family and friends had always been stable and secure; if I made a commitment to them, I kept it. If I told them I cared about them, I meant it. If I wanted to show them how much I loved them, I did. 

AN OPEN LETTER TO MARTIN BAKER OF 'GUM ON MY SHOE'

Dear Marty,


After reading one of your recent blog posts, I know that you’ve been feeling sort of lost recently and have been questioning your place in the mental health world so I thought that perhaps this letter might motivate you through these doubts and struggles. 


Firstly, I wanted to say how glad I am to have met you at that Time To Change event – it’s always nice and fun to meet someone who you’ve connected with online, in person. But there was something special about you – something different. You were genuine. I think that, these days, it’s incredibly hard to find someone who is the same in person as they are online, not a lot of people are genuine and of course there those who hide behind a keyboard but I feel like you and I are both learning that there’s also a huge number of people on social media who can be of invaluable support online. And you have helped me to see this as I’ve gotten to know you – especially during a recent visit to A&E(!) – I’ve seen how many people you support through social media. Learning that number really did leave me speechless! It’s inspiring to think of the strength you have in order to be there for so many people.

NINE LESSONS YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY

It’s my God-Daughter’s Fourth Birthday very soon and it had me thinking about the things I wish she could know now to save from her having to learn them the hard way – through experience…

(I decided to throw in some light-hearted lessons too because otherwise, it wasn't going to be a very fun post!)

1.       Your heart has to be broken to strengthen it

It’s no secret that I went through a very monumentus relationship break-up last year (2018) and I remember in the early days of it, I would have panic attacks whenever I thought about what had happened. Finally, though, I can see that the heart does repair and even though you might still be able to see the cracks, the rest of it will be stronger than before.

2.      It’s impossible to not receive ‘junk’ emails

I’m one of those people who religiously goes through her junk e’mail inbox every time I check my e’mails because I can’t stand it saying that I have sixty-odd unread messages! I think the only way you could ever avoid spam would be by not being online at all!

3.      Asking for help doesn’t make you weak

To learn this lesson you’ll have your determination and independence tested. I was someone who wouldn’t ask for help; no matter how dire the situation! Sometimes that meant insignificant situations like being lost and refusing to Google Map directions; and sometimes it meant not wanting to ring the Crisis Team when I was hallucinating. Through my mental health, I’ve learnt that needing to ask for help isn’t something to be ashamed of; in fact, it takes a lot of strength to do so.

HOW IT FEELS WHEN THE VOICES HAVE GONE

re·lief

[rəˈlēf]

NOUN

1.       a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.

2.       assistance, especially in the form of food, clothing, or money, given to those in special need or difficulty.

3.       a person or group of people replacing others who have been on duty.

4.       the state of being clearly visible or obvious due to being accentuated in some way

I don’t know if anyone can remember but I once wrote a post when I’d been struggling with auditory hallucinations and I talked about how it feels after I’ve taken Lorazepam and it kicks in and the voices go. I explained that before the medication it was as though there’d been stormy seas in my head and when the sedative had kicked in, the waves were calm and quiet, and everything was peaceful.