WHY GAINING RESPONSIBILITY IS ONE OF THE GREATEST REASONS TO HAVE A FURRY FRIEND | FOUR YEARS SINCE LOSING DOLLY

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too”

Paulo Coelho

Four years ago on October 16th, my big, fluffy, four-year-old Maine Coon; Dolly, was put to sleep after battling kidney failure for just over a week (you can read more about her death here). Every year since losing Dolly, I’ve felt the need to concentrate on all my good memories from my four years with her, because I recognised that if I didn’t – if I allowed my head to be consumed by all of the sadness and grief – there was every chance that I would fall apart. And this is a coping mechanism I found so helpful that I actually used it in the death of my Lionhead bunny; Pixie in 2021. From doing this, and from the fact that I now have a rescue, calico cat; Emmy, and a mini-Lionhead bunny; Luna, I found the inspiration for this blog post where I’m going to talk about my top four reasons for having pets…

DEAR PIXIE, | ALMOST ONE YEAR WITHOUT MY BUNNY

‘All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.’

Helen Keller

When I first created, I’m NOT Disordered, a huge motivation to do so was that writing/typing is really beneficial for my mental health. I find it so therapeutic to be able to ‘get out’ a lot of thoughts and feelings that I’ve felt unable to verbalise or internally process. And to be honest, I genuinely believe I’ve lost that over the years, and I’ve slowly began to really prioritise my readers interests and needs. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that exactly – I’m more than aware that I (and my blog) wouldn’t be where we are today if it weren’t for all of you lovely people – but I think it’s equally right to remember why I started this. To ensure that I’m still benefiting from the time and effort that I’m putting into my content. And so, with that in mind, I decided to write a post just for my sake and I thought I’d still publish it to hopefully shed light on just how heart-breaking it is to lose a pet and to provide a level of comfort for those struggling with their grief to know that they aren’t alone…

HELPFUL RESOURCES DURING GRIEF | IN COLLABORATION WITH ETSY UK | AD

“We don’t stop loving. We don’t forget. We don’t stop hurting. We don’t get over it. We journey forward. Living the best that we can. We hold them in our hearts. Until we’re together again”

Grieftolife.com

The loss of my bunny; Pixie (you can read more about her death here) has really shown me a lot more about grief and that has included recognising the importance of having help and support…

A huge motivation in me maintaining I’m NOT Disordered and my safety, is my hope that my experiences are helping others in some way. The notion that I didn’t go through all that I have for no reason has been massively reassuring and a positive step in my mental health recovery. It has given me hope. Hope that all those hard lessons I’ve had to learn, were worthwhile. Like they were thrown at me for a reason.

So, similarly to my mental health, I want to use my experiences around grief, loss, and bereavement to help others safely navigate (in my opinion) one of the most difficult emotions you can go through. Having lost Pixie almost two weeks ago, I’ve turned to numerous things to help and support me to cope with my grief in a healthy way, and I thought I’d share what I have found the most beneficial for my mental health:

So firstly, practical items – chosen from Etsy…

SELF-SOOTHE:

Learning the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skill of self-soothe in the section of the Therapy labelled ‘Distress Tolerance,’ I was initially kind of reluctant to tell people how helpful I found it because I was so worried it would give others selfish, materialistic connotations about me. As though hearing that washing my hair could help my mental health meant two things:

1.       I can’t have been that unwell if something so simple could make a difference

2.       I must be really shallow and self-obsessed if I felt I had to do something for me to help me

Gradually, though, I began to warm to the idea of telling others what I found helpful because I found that sometimes, when I was in a mental health crisis, I needed to be reminded by others of the coping skills and mechanisms that were helpful. As though my head was so focused on being unsafe that there was no room to entertain healthy thoughts like those around what I could be doing to keep myself safe. So, telling the hospital staff, and then the professionals who would continue my care in the community after being discharged, was pretty necessary and in recognizing that, I had to just swallow my pride and ignore any concerns as to what others would think of me.

“SHE’LL BE MISSING HER BESTFRIEND” | LOOKING AFTER A GRIEVING PET | IN COLLABORATION WITH CATS PROTECTION | AD

in memory of Pixie

‘Although grief in animals is not well understood currently, you may recognise changes in behaviour in your cats, which may be attributed to grief.’

Cats Protection

So a little while ago, my cat’s best-friend, my lop-eared Lionhead bunny; Pixie, was put to sleep (you can read about her death here). Since losing her, Emmy – my cat – has become more and more upset and distressed. I wanted to take this horribly painful situation and somehow turn it into something that was – in some way – positive. So, I thought that talking about what happened might help others to feel less alone and that collaborating with Cats Protection, could provide professional advice for anyone confronted with a similar instance…

A taste of life without Pixie…

It started almost as soon as Pixie was first admitted to Critical Care on the weekend; at night-time Emmy sat outside the door to the room (the Kitchen) Pixie slept in, meowing over and over again until I called on her to come lay with me in bed.

When Pixie was allowed home, the Vet recommended keeping her and Emmy apart, but I explained how upset Emmy had gotten and voiced my belief that if anything, it would distress each of them further if they hadn’t seen one another. The Vet agreed it would be ok to just show them one another so that they knew they were sort of together again. So, I put Pixie in her carrier onto the bed where Emmy was lying, and they sniffed each other before I quickly put Pixie back into the Kitchen.

It ended up being quite challenging to get into the Kitchen without Emmy either already being sat there meowing at the door or her hearing me open the Kitchen door and coming running to it! There was one time where I’d gone in and hadn’t shut the door behind me, so I had turned around to see Emmy edging gradually and gently toward Pixie who was huddled in a corner under the dining table. I got the immediate impression that Emmy wanted to say ‘hi,’ but that she also knew that Pixie was poorly, so she was being cautious.

The absence of goodbye…

SOME OF THE COMMENTS MADE IN LOSING MY BUNNY | IN LOVING MEMORY OF PIXIE

Wrapped up, so consumed by all this hurt

If you ask me, don’t know where to start

Anger, love, confusion

Roads that go nowhere

I know there’s somewhere better

‘Cause you take me there

Came to you with a broken faith

Gave me more than a hand to hold

Take Me Home – Jess Glynne

 

If you follow my social media accounts, (particularly my Twitter: https://twitter.com/aimes_wilson) this post probably seemed inevitable and just a matter of time before it was written and published! I guess it’s fairly obvious that I find blogging soothing and therapeutic so it’s probably a given that I was going to use it as a coping skill in the death of my beloved lop-eared Lionhead bunny, Pixie.

 

“I said that I had a bad feeling!”

For a long time, my poor mental health meant that I was really out of touch with having accurate and fair instincts around my physical health. I think this largely stemmed from the abuse and how much pain I experienced from it because I found myself cutting myself off from that harsh, painful reality. It meant that once my mental health started to improve through hospitalisation, medication, and therapy, I found that actually; I could be in tune with my body and not fall apart in doing so.

Becoming more aware of my health, also meant that I found myself to develop very good instincts where my pets were concerned too. One key example of this was with Pixie. It was only early afternoon one day a few years ago so Pixie had only really been exhibiting symptoms (no appetite and no passing of poop) for the morning, but I had a bad feeling, so I called the Vets. The Vet was reluctant to give me an appointment for Pixie because she believed she should be given longer at home to check if she really was poorly. I remember telling her that I knew my bunny better than anyone and I knew something was wrong. Fortunately the Vet agreed to do an examination and within five minutes of it, she said it had been very lucky I’d insisted on the check-up because Pixie had Gut Stasis; which can be fatal for rabbits.

DEAR DOLLY & SOME ADVICE | TWO YEARS SINCE THE DEATH OF MY CAT | IN COLLABORATION WITH CATS PROTECTION | AD

And now your song is on repeat

And I’m dancin’ on to your heartbeat

And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete

Symphony – Clean Bandit

 

Two years ago today, I lost a best-friend when my four-year-old, Maine Coon cat; Dolly, was put to sleep. Today, I’ll be marking her two year anniversary (you can read the one year mark here) with a letter to her and some advice on how to cope with the loss of a pet.

I’m honoured to say that this post will be in collaboration with Cats Protection – it’s kind of a light to all the difficult moments in this post… 

Dear Dolly,

You knew how much I enjoyed writing, but this letter is one of the hardest things I’ve ever wrote. However, I think that in the long run, it’ll be helpful to me and my mental health because it’s a bit of a relief to feel that I’m getting out everything I want to tell you and what I want you to know. 

Did you know that the pink and white spotted collar that was around your neck for a long part of your life, was actually hanging from a photo frame in my hospital room for months before I got you?! My Mum had the idea that maybe buying the collar and having it to look at, would keep me motivated in working hard at my mental health recovery because having my own home, and having you; would be my prize at the end. Being in that hospital over 100 miles away from everyone I loved, having that collar was also comforting because it prompted me to consider all my loved ones if I was struggling or about to self-harm. And it reminded me that doing something like that, would make having you even further and further away, out of my reach. And I couldn’t stand that.

MARKING ONE YEAR WITHOUT DOLLY

When I think Back On These Times,
And The Dreams We Left Behind,
I'll Be Glad 'Cause I Was Blessed
To Get To Have You In My Life.
When I Look Back On These Days,
I'll Look And See Your Face,
You Were Right There For Me,

In My Dreams I'll Always See You
Soar Above The Sky,
In My Heart There'll Alwys Be A Place For You
For All My Life,
I'll Keep A Part Of You With Me,
And Everywhere I Am There You'll Be

Faith Hill - Everywhere I Am

[the advert photo from pets4homes] 

I’m going to be so cliché right now and say that I can’t believe it’s been a year since Dolly was put to sleep and almost a year since I adopted Emmy because it feels like just yesterday that it all happened!


I’ve recently had a friend on social media have to go through a similar experience of deciding whether to have her cat put to sleep. Initially, it was really triggering of the memories of being stood in the clinic room at Robson and Prescott Vets and having to agree to lose my best-friend forever in order to end her pain and suffering. After a little while, though, I realized that instead of allowing my friend’s suffering to trigger the memories, maybe I could use my experience to help her through this difficult time. I remember in the first few days after Dolly was put to sleep and I said to a friend that it was the hardest decision I’d ever had to make before correcting myself and realizing that I was probably only saying that because it’s what everyone says in these situations. But actually, it wasn’t ‘hard;’ it was easy. There was no debating whether to put Dolly through one final battery of tests and treatments – that might not even have worked - just to give myself an extra day with her. The decision just wasn’t nice or fair.

THE TEN BIGGEST IMPACTS ON MY PERSONALITY | IN COLLABORATION WITH FUTURE LEARN AND MONASH UNIVERSITY | AD

I wrote recently (here) about my thoughts on personality after beginning the Monash University course (via futurelearn.com); Introduction to Psychology: The Psychology of Personality. On completing week two of the course, I got thinking about all of the things that can impact a person’s personality. I mean, I talked in my first post about how I believe that ‘personality’ is who you are but that doesn’t mean that I think it’s ingrained in you – that it’s natural or always stable throughout all kinds of circumstances and situations. I 100% believe that your personality can be shaped by external events and how you internalize these, how they change your views on the world and the way you react in different situations. 

FIVE COPING STRATEGIES FOR GRIEF AFTER FIVE MONTHS WITHOUT DOLLY

'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

-          Labrinth – Jealous

Firstly, has it really been six months since I lost Dolly?!

I thought I’d check-in with people because I obviously blogged about it so much in the beginning (here and here and here and here and finally, here) and then so much has happened since October 2018 that these other things have been what I’ve blogged about.

I thought it important to write now after I was at my neighbour’s the other day; she has two cats and one is very fluffy. Like Dolly was. I love going to see my neighbour; we get along so well that it’s not as though I can avoid going to her home because of the similarities. And I can’t and I shouldn’t. If my mental health journey has taught me anything, it’s been that you need to face things head-on – don’t avoid them or block them out because they just come back to bite you. And it’s so much harder than if you’d just tackled it at the beginning!

Have I done that with losing Dolly? I thought not. I thought I’d blogged so much about it that perhaps it was all ‘out of my system’ but I guess I’ve learnt that grief can never really be out of any system! And it is because of this that I’ve had learnt some coping strategies to manage my grief into preventing it from becoming overwhelming. I realise that the death of my cat means very little to some people and it – by no means – makes me an expert of coping with grief but if one of my coping mechanisms can help just one person that I thought it worth putting them ‘out there.’

NINE LESSONS YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY

It’s my God-Daughter’s Fourth Birthday very soon and it had me thinking about the things I wish she could know now to save from her having to learn them the hard way – through experience…

(I decided to throw in some light-hearted lessons too because otherwise, it wasn't going to be a very fun post!)

1.       Your heart has to be broken to strengthen it

It’s no secret that I went through a very monumentus relationship break-up last year (2018) and I remember in the early days of it, I would have panic attacks whenever I thought about what had happened. Finally, though, I can see that the heart does repair and even though you might still be able to see the cracks, the rest of it will be stronger than before.

2.      It’s impossible to not receive ‘junk’ emails

I’m one of those people who religiously goes through her junk e’mail inbox every time I check my e’mails because I can’t stand it saying that I have sixty-odd unread messages! I think the only way you could ever avoid spam would be by not being online at all!

3.      Asking for help doesn’t make you weak

To learn this lesson you’ll have your determination and independence tested. I was someone who wouldn’t ask for help; no matter how dire the situation! Sometimes that meant insignificant situations like being lost and refusing to Google Map directions; and sometimes it meant not wanting to ring the Crisis Team when I was hallucinating. Through my mental health, I’ve learnt that needing to ask for help isn’t something to be ashamed of; in fact, it takes a lot of strength to do so.

HOW IT REALLY FEELS TO BE SUICIDAL

So, I began writing this post and things became a little familiar, so I went back through recent posts and lo behold there was one on suicide from less than two months ago! I debated doing another but decided that since the previous one was so popular and that I’ll be writing this one with different/new content and in a different format, maybe I can get away with it…?!

After having consulted on Richmond Fellowship’s Social Media Guidelines, I was recently asked to look at the Suicide Prevention Policy to provide comments on the different aspects of it. In completing the feedback form, I realized that it must be difficult for organizations to devise such policies when the chances are that the majority of staff developing these actually don’t have any experience in what they’re trying to prevent. And I guess that’s why Richmond Fellowship consult with Service Users – they recognize that we can provide an insight into such a difficult topic that could better their care of others. Thinking up signs that a person is feeling suicidal, has the potential to save the life of someone exhibiting those signs who staff might have previously ‘overlooked.’ And sometimes there are signs that only someone who has experienced feelings of suicide can point out.

TW: A DISCUSSION ABOUT SUICIDE | FROM THE WARNING SIGNS TO THE STIGMA

A little while ago I got a phone call on the train telling me that someone, I’d worked with at a few events had just committed suicide. There’s no easy way to say it, is there? Suicide. You can’t really sugar coat it with ‘we lost him’ or ‘he passed away.’ It’s almost as though the act of committing suicide is so… honest(?) - it’s such a stark reminder of the darkness and unhappiness that can lurk in the people we love and care for - that it deserves to be spoken about as equally honest. Though there is controversy and… discussion(!) around the term ‘commit suicide’ with some feeling that it insinuates the person has committed a criminal offence. *Personally, I believe that ‘commit’ is purely referring to the action of it as opposed to it having any legal definition but out of respect for others, I’ll be avoiding using the phrase in this post*

GOODBYES - THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY

At 27, I think I’d still be classed as young but at the same time, it’s kind of expected – at my age – to have at least gone through some challenging ‘goodbye’ situations. I mean, I think you’d struggle to find a 27-year-old who could say they’ve never experienced the death of a loved one, or a relationship break-up. The sad truth is, goodbyes are an inevitable challenge in life. We will all face one eventually.

It’s difficult to rank the goodbyes I’ve faced into which was the most challenging because I don’t want to say one and for the others to seem meaningless or ‘easier’ to cope with. So I’m not going to talk about the goodbyes I’ve experienced in any particular order; no one experience was harder than the other – each of them were completely different and challenging in their own way…

LEARNING THE LINE BETWEEN DENIAL, DISTRACTION & ACCEPTANCE

Losing Dolly has got me thinking about how one of the key reasons for my two-and-a-half-year admission in the Psychiatric hospital Cygnet Bierley, was so that I could be taught Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – the recommended support for those diagnosed with a Personality Disorder. When I was first admitted to the hospital my only coping skills were through several different methods of self-harm so being unable to do that yet still only learning the healthy, safe coping skills DBT teaches you; was more than challenging. It felt impossible.

Our group DBT facilitator would have us keep a diary of which skills we’d used on which days and under which circumstances. She told us that we’d know that we had mastered the skills when we could no longer remember which skills we’d used during the day because they’d just come naturally. Something I wasn’t told, however, was that even when the DBT lessons were done and I was discharged, I would still be learning about it. I’d still be developing my skills, favoring different ones and using them in different ways. Where I’d once loved distraction techniques, and hated mindfulness, I’ve now learnt that sometimes I use distraction to an extreme, unhealthy and unsafe level and have found that mindfulness is massively helpful in grounding me when I’m overwhelmed by hallucinations or thoughts of self-harm.

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO GRIEVE" | WHY THE 'FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF' DON'T MEAN A THING

IN MEMORY OF DOLLY I'VE SET UP A JUSTGIVING PAGE TO RAISE MONEY FOR HER VETS BILLS. IF YOU CAN CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING AT ALL IT WOULD BE HUGELY AMAZING!

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/dollywilson

So once upon a time, there was this fantastically clever lady called Elisabeth Kugler Ross who came up with a theory. She thought that there are five stages of grief that a person can experience.

As you’ll know – if you read one of my most recent posts – I recently lost my four-year-old cat (Dolly). Some of you might read this and think “oh my God it’s just a cat. She’s grieving over a cat?!” but I’d like you to continue reading and see if you feel the same by the end.

MY LIFE IN LYRICS

MY CHILDHOOD:

‘Can't nuthin', bring me down (happy)
I said, let me tell you now, unh (happy)
Bring me down, can't nuthin', bring me down (happy, happy, happy)
My level is too high to bring me down (happy, happy, happy)
Can't nuthin' bring me down (happy, happy, happy)
I said

Because I'm happy’

-       Pharrell Williams - Happy

THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH OF THE ABUSE:

TODAY I LOST A BESTFRIEND | REST IN PEACE DOLLY 12.10.2014 - 16.10.2018

I’m so sorry to have to tell you all this but today (16.10.2018) my cat, Dolly was put to sleep.

Last Monday (07.10.2018) Dolly got poorly so I took her to the Vets and she was put on an IV drip of fluids to help ‘flush her system out’ after blood tests showed that her kidneys weren’t working properly.

She came home Friday but on Saturday she had four episodes of diarrhea and two of vomiting, so I took her back in and initially the Vet said they could send her home with some medication for the nausea and vomiting but my Mum suggested we do a blood test to put my mind at ease. Even the Vet was surprised with the results; her kidney function was really bad and so she admitted again for a weekend of fluids and the plan to do a repeated blood test on Monday (15.10.2018). Again, the Vets were surprised to find that her kidneys had worsened. They told me that she could come home, and I remember asking “are you sending her home to die?”